"Are you still afraid of the rain? / You still have your short hair?" --- "Don't Be Afraid" Pakho Chau

Studio

 

N slams his fist against the studio’s mirror. He squints his eyes so they are three-quarter smaller than usual, exactly like how Mrs. Nam instructed him to act.

“Jihwa,” N says her name in a low voice. He glances down at the floor before clearing his throat. He allows himself to breathe out a long sigh.

He remembers vividly about his promise to himself: he will make an effort to delve deep into Ravi’s backstory. This is his purpose of coming to Daejeon in the first place.

Regrettably, his acting skill cannot keep up with his determination to walk in Kim Wonshik’s shoes. He glances at the ticking clocks. The filming starts again in two hours at seven a.m. N yawns. He puts both palms flat against the mirrors. He stretches his eye sockets as wide as he can. Losing sleep is only a small sacrifice for getting to know Ravi and Ken, plus making a popular movie.

N closes his eyes, he realizes how much responsibilities land on his narrow shoulders.

He whips his head up again quickly, he wills his facial muscle to relax before making another attempt.. “Jihwa…” His voice trails off when his eyes lands upon the person reflecting on the mirror---the actual person that embodies the essence of Jihwa. “Ken, you’re early,” says N.

“That kid dragged me out of bed at four a.m,” Ken presses down on Hyuk’s messy crown.

“Morning, N hyung.” The younger rushes towards his idol’s side and digs his soft digits into N’s tendons in the shoulders. “Save me,”

he mouths the words.
 

N meets Ken’s eyes and they burst out in laughs.
 

Hyuk takes his hands off and sulks.
 

N feels a little bit guilty for teasing Hyuk. “Go to work, Hyuk,” he says in a gentle voice, a sound that usually pushes his fans over the edge at the fan meetings. “I'm sure there's a lot of preparations to do before I arrive at the location. Don’t you have clothes that you need to iron? Coffees to buy?”

Ken starts laughing again. He snorts. N has a double-take when his old friend let down his guard; he chuckles like a careless child. His eyes are full of adoration for the youngest.

N can’t dwell on Ken for more than a second as Hyuk lightly thumps on N’s chest. “I’m not an errand boy. I am the Social Marketing assistant.”

Ken walks over. He leans on Hyuk’s broad shoulder. “I’m sure you’re the best assistant at Jelpi. What would N do without you? Right, N?”

N nods. “Hyuk, really, you’re the best, but you can go now. Ken and I need to practice a scene.”

Hyuk looks from N to Ken, and then back to N. “Fine,” he says, then he lowers his voice. “Take care of Ken hyung. He's weaker than he looks,” says Hyuk in a much more serious tone.

“Yah. Come here.” Ken approaches Hyuk like a predator, but Hyuk dodges his kick on the way out of the room.

N’s smile is slipping off as soon as Hyuk is out of sight. His hand beckons Ken over, “Jihwa, come act with me.”

Ken shakes his head. “I’m not sure I can be Jihwa. I act as bad as you.”

N glares at him. “I’ll pay you.”

“How much?” Ken crosss his arms. He leans against the row of mirrors on his on his side.

“More than what you earned at the host club.”

“Stop it, N. No one should hear you talking about host club or drag queens.”

N saunters over. His face is close enough to touching Ken’s fine tall nose. “I’m not ashamed of it. I love the time we had together.” He grins.

Ken slaps his shoulder to push him away. “Stop ing around. Where's the script? I thought we are acting.”

“I already am. That was Kim Wonshik talking.” Still, N moves away to pick up the two scripts lying around on the floor. He passes one to Ken. “Page thirty. Line three hundred and one.”

Ken’s expression has the slightest shift towards the dark side of the spectrum. Good. Let him suffers Ravi’s life story as much as I have.

Ken held onto Ravi's hand while trying to trek through the thick undergrowth in the wood. The low branches proved to be the greatest obstacles for the two giants as each step sank into the muddy ground. The air was mixed with damp soil and something wild, like animal feces. Something bloody. Something sinister. Ken shivered. Ravi's back had a shadow hovering him. The shadow seemed threatening. The crowding plants did not ease Ken’s nervousness either. Ravi turned, flashed him a reassuring smile that lasted a brief second. Ken’s steps grew firmer, more assertive. He would follow Ravi wherever they went. No question asked.

At one point in their hike, Ken gave into his sluggish speed. He let Ravi pull  him along to somewhere less claustrophobic. Ravi grunted from the extra weight, but he never once complained. The quickened breaths were in sync. Steps unmatched, but somehow, Ravi made it all work and brought them back to safety. The two arrived at the heart of the forest, where the shrubs and trees mapped out widely across the floor. By now they were panting. They gazed upward to the ambiguous canopy, half shielding the late afternoon sun. Dusk was approaching, but they were not stopping. They were determine to beat time. The sound of water hitting rocks streamed to their ears. By the rushing river, the air was colder. Ravi plopped down onto a damp log and fished out a notebook and a pen from his knapsack. As soon as he found the page, he was the single living soul on Earth.

Ken wandered off on his own when it was evidence that Ravi was ignoring any distractions. Ken kicked off his shoes and socks. His whole body trembled in delight when his feet hit the freezing surface. He waddled to a large smooth rock to settle on. There, he sat, admiring Ravi from afar. He was absorbed in his passion, brows knitted in concentration. It was irrefutable that Ravi valued his world of words more than Ken. But Ken did not mind. All good writers needed to love their creations like their own flesh and blood, right? Besides, Ravi was the most charming while working.

What about Ken? What did he want to do? Nothing, except watching Ravi for as long as he could without worrying about what he wanted to do. He shouldn't worry about the black dog sitting on his beating heart and told him “no, you can’t love him.” Ken whipped his head away towards the water when Ravi looked up from his notebook. It's all cool, bro. I'm not hopelessly in love. Ken told his distorted reflection. The corner of his lips would not stay straight. He buried his stupid grinning face in his hands. The bright smiley face was so extremely rare that it intimidated Ken.

When was the last time he was in an euphoria? Not because of a guy, obviously. Ken’s lips tugged downward. Not like any girls had made him feel this great either. Everything Ken had known and confident about was erased the moment Ravi walked into the party, and into Ken’s life. Before his magical appearance, Ken could not have imagined burying his face into a man's chest and holding onto his waist lovingly. With Ravi, he could play out any romantic scenarios frame-by-frame in his mind, though he would not dare to make his fantasy into reality. He was too inexperienced. But what about now? When they were in a forest that was isolated from civilization? Whatever they did, no one besides themselves would have to know. Ken face flushed. He put a foot down into the shameless water. He glanced at Ravi, luckily, he was still lost in his own little world. Ken hopped from his spot.

Barefooted, Ken settled down besides Ravi. He peeked over to his quick scribbling. Ravi rotated his body away inch by inch the closer Ken was. His arms protected his notebooks from prying eyes.

"What kind of story are you working on?" asked Ken.

Ravi shrugged. “It’s a secret."

Ken pursed his lips. He watched him scribble some more, getting away  from him.

Ken shuffled to the other end of the log. He picked up a pebble and threw it towards the open space. The only sound was the rock hitting the ground. He hated to relate that sound to their relationship.

Ravi closed his notebook. He looked to Ken who was sitting a way off, he slid closer, "I bet you didn't know this place exists." His arm hung lightly across Ken’s hip.

Ken returned a faint smile, "No. I didn’t."

Ravi bumped his fist against Ken’s temple, "Pabo, how could you not know? It's on your school map."

Ken clamped his hand over Ravi’s jaw. He squeezed and molded his pointy chin playfully,  “ You're too good at finding secret places. Do you have any place like this at your school? Any pretty girls you’ve brought there?"

“No. Never.” Ravi caught his hand. “You’re the only one who knows.”

Ken withdrew his hand, broke contact with his shining eyes.

"Besides, this is my favourite place."

Ken was about to ask why, but he did not want to meet those eyes that were filled with expectation for something that Ken could not give. Ken also liked to think that he was the reason why he loved this place… His eyelids grew heavy when the dusk began its descent. His eyes were pried open again upon feeling something weighing down on his lap. Ravi had his eyes shut already, his mouth slightly hanging open, ever so inviting. Ken bent down, inhaling his exhaust, everything about him was lovely. His face was so near... their lips would touch if Ken leaned closer… Ravi yawned. Ken fell back, trying to give off an aura of nonchalant.

Ravi sprung straight up, "Let's go, pabo.  It's getting late."

If Ravi noticed what Ken had attempted earlier, he did not acknowledged it. He pulled Ken’s outstretched hand instead and held onto his hand. They trekked back the way they had came in disappointed silence.

“You look distressed,” says N.

“Acting is tiring,” said Ken.

N hands him his water. Ken can be honest with him like he did before, but he can tell that Ken will likely to keep his feelings towards Ravi close to his heart. “Are you mad at me?”

“Why should I be?” Ken would not touch his water.

“Because I’m with your boyfriend as much as you do. And at this point, I know him as much as you do because I am him.”

“ off, N.”

“You don't have to be jealous. He loves you, not me.” N stares at the floor.

“You don't get it. Ravi’s more complicated than you think.”

N grabs his water back. “You’re the complicated one. Why are you so insecure?” He drinks a big gulp of water.

“I was scared.” Ken bites his lips, as if he said the wrong thing. “I’m not anymore.”

N tiptoes towards him tentatively like he is approaching a flighty kitten. He takes one of his hands in his. “I will make Ravi go back to you. He will never leave you with or without me anyway.” His eyes are unwavering.

Ken tries to pull back. N holds him in place. “You deserve better, Ken.”

Ken’s eyes widen. “I'm not Jihwa. You are feeling bad for a fictional character that Ravi created. I'm not her.”

“To Ravi, you are. You mean the most to him.

“Ravi is the writer. And he knows better than anyone. Jihwa belongs to Wonshik. Ken belongs to Ravi.”

Ken grabs N’s wrist with his free hand. “That's messed up. You aren't really Ravi just because you play his younger self. You don't know what he wants. No one does.”

N lets go of Ken’s hand. His index finger brushes along the edge of the script. “I learn a lot every time I read the script before acting the character out. The more I read it, the more I know what happened to Ravi, and the more I know why he did each thing. The new shoes fit better the more I wear them. I know how his mind works.”

Ken scoffs. “His memoir is fictional. This is not really what happened.”

“But the people are real. That's what matters.”

“You think you’re a psychologist now? I'm done here.”

N huffs. “I'm not done with you. Your flight-or-fight system has been activated because I'm dangerous. And you are running-”

Ken throws N a middle finger before slamming the door shut behind him.

“-away.

“You are running away, Ken.”
 

Market

The barbecued beef smokes the air in the market, overwhelming the tteokbokki and spicy fried tofus being pushed around on the iron flat. The aroma of spices hang above the families and couple lingering around the plastic tables and chairs.

Ravi stirs his beef braise soup with his chopsticks with his good arm so the chili paste would soak every molecules of his food.

Ken reaches over to take the spice from him. Ravi doesn’t relent.

“Stop it. Your stomach is going to hurt. Are you trying to kill yourself?” asks Ken sternly.

Ravi puts down the jar. He slurps on the bean thread noodles quickly and ends up choking.

“Are you okay?” Ken’s frown grows more prominent.

Ravi waves his hand. He takes the tissues from Ken’s hands to wipe the soup dripping down his chin. “What did you do when I was working?” he asks after his coughing ceased.

“I went to the park with Hyukkie.” Ken puts on a smile for him. “The park was huge. We tried bird-watching but then it rained. We got hungry and ate grilled ducks.”

Ravi bursts in smile. “Sounds like a blast.”

“I would ask you to come with us if you weren’t busy.”

“Oh, Jaehwannie. I won’t be busy any time soon.” Ravi tilts the soju bottle towards his glass. He drains it in one shot. “I’m going out of work now everyone thinks I’m having a scandal with N.” He pours another glass and empties it. He cringes. “Sorry, Jaehwan. I shouldn’t have brought it up. Workplace dramas are boring.”

Ken touches Ravi’s hand. He saw the way Ravi rushing out to stop N from leaving the crew’s dinner. He also witnessed that N shook Ravi off. Since he couldn’t figure out how he felt about their tension, he willed himself to stop replaying that scene over and over in his head. “You’re going to get sick.”

Ravi slams the bottle down. “The art director will be the third person leaving the job because of N.” He buries his hands in his face. “People can be so cruel.” He picks up the bottle again. “We’re going back to Seoul early.” He fills up the third glass.

Ken grabs for Ravi’s glass. He drinks it. Ken snatches the soju bottle and drains the rest. “I’d rather you punch me to make you feel better.”

“You know I won’t do that.”

“And you know I won’t really let you.”

Ravi grimaces. “Don’t joke around like that."

“I’d stop joking after you picked yourself up.”

“I will tomorrow.” Ravi takes up his chopsticks and slurps on his warm noodles.

“I can ask Hongbin to be the new art director.”

“Don’t.” Ravi looks at Ken sternly.

“You probably wanted him in the beginning anyway. He matches with your artistic vision and he knows your story very well. Your ideas won’t piss him off. You guys think the same.”

Ravi’s gaze blackens. “We are not the same.”

“You both think that you owe each other. You guys still care about each other. It’s a good sign.”

“You don’t get it. We had the worst break-up of the century. I can’t talk to him again.”

“I thought our break up was the worst.”

“Jaehwan…” His name sounds like a warning, telling Ken off of a territory that he does not belong. He would never belong to Ravi wherever he is.

What did we have, Ravi? What were we?

Ken swallows his questions. He knows the answer already. Ravi would tell him that he loves him over and over again, though Ken won’t believe his words.

The box of pills rest wordlessly on Ken’s laps. He crosses his ankles and leans back into the bench, waiting for Ravi to finish his nasty business in the washroom. He warned him that spices and his stomach wouldn't get along. The birds sleep and no one shuffles in the small park that composes of low green bumps and a swing and a slides in a sandbox. Only the wind whistles against his freezing ears. The sole street lamp around is a few meters away. The yellow beam barely reaches him. The edge of the light source touches him like a ghost’s fingertips. Goosebumps spread up and down on Ken’s arms.

Something soft lands on Ken’s laps and he screeches. A hand clamps on his open lips and his eyes are bulging from his eye sockets. His teeth instinctively clamps onto something meaty. Something howls next to his ears.

“Let go, Ken. I’m not a kidnapper,” says the deep voice. When Ken finally releases him, Ravi curls into a ball lying down.

Ken slaps the head lying on his laps. “Served you right. It’s so creepy here.”

“Karma for asking stupid questions.”

Ken hits him again. “Stupid questions? I was serious.”

Ravi holds onto his wrists. “I’m serious too. I loved you, and I still do.”

Ken pulls his hands from Ravi. He drops the painkillers onto his chest. “. I forgot the water.”

Ravi cups Ken’s cheeks in his palm. “I don’t need water to live; I need you.”

Ken ignores his cheesiness. He rips two pills out of the foil pack to pop them into Ravi’s mouth.

“Are you mad at me?” asks Ravi.

Ken blends into the silence all around him.

“You don’t believe that I love you.”

Ken captures his hand and brings it back to Ravi’s side. “It’s kind of hard to believe that you’ve always loved me after you left.”

Ken hates that Ravi now stares at him with hollow pupils, like he is beholding the old Ken. Back in that evening, Ravi was lying on the couch just like this, head in Ken’s laps. Ken was humming to a ballad song on the television. His hands flipped through the travel magazine advertising Hawaii being an ideal honeymoon spot. He could feel the hot sands digging into his toenails. That would happen one day, Ken promised himself. His fingers ran through the soft black threads of his lover’s hair. Once an investor picked up Ravi’s script and make it to a movie, Ken would pack their bags right away. He could not recollect the last time they had a trip together. Or ever going out on a date. Absent-minded, his eyes landed on the Cartier rose gold rings on the left page. His heart thumped hard against his chest. Though they could not afford them right now, he could not help but heard the confetti booming and arching over the two grooms arm-in-arm striding down the aisle. Telling them-

“Congratulations, N,” said the music program host. Slips of golden confetti fluttered around the tall singer in the middle of the crowded stage. His eyes smudged with damp eyeliner.

Ken’s heart soared higher when N held his first trophy that embodied his three years of hard works on stage and many years of polishing his dance moves and musicality as a poor trainee. Ken would have leapt on his feet if there wasn’t Ravi’s head weighing down on him. He saw Ravi watching his happiness blooming.

Ravi’s eyes looked haunted like he does at this instance at the park on the bench.

Ken remembers the next morning. Half of the drawers were pulled apart and Ravi’s clothes and socks and colognes fell over. Ravi told him that he couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t drag him down anymore. How long could he leech off of Ken? Ravi shoved all of his forty-seven rejection letters in his suitcase. He kissed Ken on the forehead. He apologized over and over.

Ravi wipes the tears off his nose. “Ken?"

Those tears pour forth along with a single realization. Ken gets it now. It all makes sense somehow. Everything bad happened because of N.

Ken pushes Ravi off of him. “You couldn’t stand being the loser, so you left me.”

Ravi wouldn’t look at him.

“N’s always your first priority. Can you really love someone else?”

Ravi rubs his shoes on the pavement. A guy who`s good with words suddenly lost the war of tongues.

“You’ve always wanted him, but you don’t want to admit it.”

Ravi whipped his head up. He clings on Ken’s shoulders. “No. I don’t. It’s you. It’s always you.”

Ken stands up. “You don’t make sense. I never felt loved when I was with you. I’ve always cared for you more than you cared about me.”

“I was there for you when your mom attempted suicide. I was there when your dad kicked you out. You were the one I wanted to be with.” He holds on to his shoulders. “I was ing dumb, okay? I just wanted to get famous fast and beat him, I should have known better.”

Ken shakes him off. “I should have known better too.” Years pass, it is his turn to leave.

Lost Land

Under the rain, Wonshik says goodbye to Ken.

Under the roof of the bus stop, Wonshik folds the umbrella. Ken catches up to him. His hair is damp and sticking to his forehead. Wonshik is dry throughout.

“I told you to wait up,” says Ken.

“I wish I had a car. It would be so much easier for you,” says Wonshik.

“Not this bull again.”

Wonshik memorizes the droplets sliding off Ken’s cheeks. He hides his hands behind his back. “I’m serious. I’m not the guy you should be with. You deserve to be with someone who can love you with their whole heart.”

“You have someone else.”

Something sharp slides its claws into the layers of tissues that protect him. Wonshik stays quiet. He won’t defend himself. It won’t do them any good. How can he explain to him about Hakyeon? He cannot tell him how he truly feels while he fails to understand it himself.

He lets Ken pounding his fists on his chest. He deserves to be hurt over and over. “So you do have someone else. I hate you, Kim Wonshik. I hate you so much.” He clings on his denim jacket.

Wonshik has to go when the bus arrives. He will let Ken think that this is just another of their rough patch and they will be back together tomorrow. He will show up to their apartment with his favourite strawberry cheesecake. He will have to let Ken hope, so he will never forget about Wonshik.

Ken doesn’t see Wonshik again until five years later.

“Cut,” says the director on set under an umbrella.

Staffs rush into the bus stop to put towels around Eunji---the actress playing Jihwa. While they all fuss around her. N wipes his face with the back of his hand. They are raindrops. They are tears. He can’t tell. But his heart clenches so tight that he can’t breathe. At the moment, N and Ravi share the same senses, the same memories; he finally knows how much Ravi loves Ken. It is not something trivial that N can deny over and over. Do you regret it? He wants to ask Ravi. How can you still love him after all these years? Why did you leave him when you loved him until it hurts?

This is a love runs so deep that Ravi can’t escape from, no matter how hard he tries to let go of the past. N suddenly has a hard time walking upright. He doesn’t know who he feels more pity for, Ken, Ravi or himself.

N opens his plastic umbrella and marches over to the makeshift tent across the street. A car honks at him but he can care less. Ravi perches on his director chair. He listens close to his phone. He dials on his phone again. Then he glares at it. His ears are all red. No matter how hard his fingers punches his phone, it seems like nothing shows up, basing on his clouded expression. Was he even paying attention to N’s heartbreaking performance? Though it probably hurts to witness his own dark history playing out in front of his eyes.

Ravi glances up from his phone. “You did pretty good back there. I got tears in my eyes.”

“Thanks.” N takes a seat next to him. “Who were you calling?”

“Ken. He didn’t pick up.” Ravi’s phone vibrates. He unlocks his phone to check his message. “. He went back to Seoul.” His fingers dance on the screen. He doesn’t get his reply right away.

“You really love him.”

Ravi’s smile is light like candle flame, wavering.

But whatever N says next won’t be pleasant. “Aren’t memoirs just fictions?” He challenges Ravi like Ken asked him the same question. “They are based on true story, but they aren’t all true.”

Ravi spins his phone between his fingers. “They aren’t all fake either.”

“Only you would know. Be honest with him.” N can’t stop what he’s saying. He has been thinking that he would help Ken out ever since he falls deeper into his character. “So he can trust you.”

“I tried.” Ravi peeps through the rain longingly, like he can see Seoul from his chair on a street at Daejeon.

N looks around and spots two staffs whispering. They only look away when he glares at them. “Is it because of me? I’ll go tell him we’re not ing.”

Ravi grimaces. “I tried that too. He doesn’t believe me. He thinks that I love you.”

That three words came out of his mouth too easily. N’s heart shouldn’t be sinking so fast. “Easy. Just stay away from me.”

Ravi gapes at him as if Nessie the Monster surfaced from the concrete road. “You’re the main character of my movie.”

N wouldn’t look at him. “I don’t have to be.”

The frustrated air goes out of his mouth like exhausts being released through a pipe. “How many time do I have to tell you? You need this for your career.”

“Oh. Please. If you could be successful without me, I can make it on my own too.”

Ravi makes no sound. He is calculating something. “I promise I will make up with Ken. You don’t have to quit. I want to protect your career as much as I want to be with him.”

“Deal.”

Ravi looks surprised.

“If you get back with Ken as soon as we got back to Seoul, I won’t talk about quitting anymore. I will be Kim Wonshik.” N spits on his right palm before extending it to Ravi.

Ravi suppresses a spontaneous smile. It seems like he never forgot their contract ritual. Ravi does the same and signs the promise with his palm.

Looking at his innocent smile, N pretends that it is not his career that is at stake in their sealed promise. He beholds their clasped hands. They promised each other that when Hakyeon went to steal berries at Mrs. Kim’s backyard, Wonshik would guard him under the tree.

 A/N: Wow, we got a long chapter this week! I think it makes sense to close up the Daejeon episode with all the connecting scenes. Was the trip revealing much to you? How do you think Ravi will win Ken back (if he tries)? Is N really getting Ravi now?

Please comment, upvote and subscribe if you like the story. Please let me know what you think.

If it's final exam's seasons for you, good luck! :)

Your dreamer,

suzyelf