Beach

Hongbin runs straight for the water in his swim shorts. The fine-grain but poky sand scrap under his feet. He shivers against the wintry wind but persevere past the freezing cold and dives into the icy sea water. He sinks further but not fast enough to touch the sand. No strong arms bring him up above the surface. It is only silence and the impure water wrap him like an embryo. Time ticks on, and he won’t save him.

His head breaks through the surface and shakes the water off. Leo stands a way off. His pale torso is translucent under the white sun. He hugs himself tight, making himself vulnerable. He takes small steps. Hongbin swims towards him and takes his hand. It’s okay. I’m here. Though his smile is more like an Americano than milkshake. He yanks him to his side and dunks Leo’s body into the water. He jolts up immediately. “Holy .” Hongbin cracks a smile as if saying we will survive this cold together. “I’m going back up,” says Leo.

Hongbin pulls him back. “The water will warm up. Move your arms around.”

Leo stretches his arms out and makes small circles with his arms. In a few seconds, he is already lying his body flat and slicing the water with his tones arms, swimming away from Hongbin and to the horizon. The beads glistening off his muscular back against the sunshine makes Leo a white dragonfly gliding off of a pond. Hongbin sneaks up on Leo and hugs his body to his bare chest, waves splash around them, startling Leo. Hongbin places his cheek on his shoulder. His breath down his back tickles Leo. For a moment, Taekwoon feels real in his embrace. Taekwoon’s heartbeat pounding against his ear is the best evidence that he’s alive in flesh and blood. If Hongbin cut him, and he will bleed instead of shredded like paper. Leo turns around and cups Hongbin’s face in his palms. He stares into his glossy eyes. “Are you crying?” asks Leo. “Don’t cry.” His eyes land on his slightly parted lips and he dips his head sideway to capture his mouth in his. Their contact is lush and hot and tender. Something spark behind their lips and inside their head. The current pulses stronger when Hongbin responds the kiss with hunger. He holds Leo’s head closer to him. He presses their bodies as tight as they can until no air or no worlds exist between him but that’s foolish. Leo’s warm breath on his skin and whines to his ears are going to make him come right there and then. They have to be apart to breathe.

Leo smiles against his face as Hongbin caresses his cheek. He loves Taekwoon. He truly does. Leo tugs him back to shore.

The bonfire cracks bright against the dawn. Hongbin his paper with different shades of marigold, russet, and pumpkin colours. They burn through the paper. The fire surrounds a tiny moth in the water and fire. They are consuming it. Hongbin wants to break the painting apart, to pieces, so he can free it.

“Try the marshmallow.” Leo waves the metal stick in front of him.

“It’s kind of burnt.” He scrutinizes the black shape.

Leo humphs before picking it out and feeding it to the fire. The gooey thing melts in the heat, joining his family.

Hongbin puts down his work and grabs the stick from Leo. He slides two marshmallow in and places far but close enough over the fire. Leo scowls, light amusement dances on his face. “What’s up with you and your ex? Did you really go crazy?”

Hongbin watches the marshmallow with utmost concentration. “Yes.”

Leo’s face falls. “Did you love him that much?”

“No. I didn’t love him. That’s why I lost it. I felt so guilty after I left him. He really loved me.” The flames reflect on his pupils light Hongbin on fire; he is too hot to touch. “He was my best friend and I hurt him...” His sentence trails off to a black hole like their past love. “But we’re different, Taekwoon.”

“How?” His voice is small. He is almost too scared to ask.

Hongbin’s smile is tight. “I just know.”

Leo reclines back on the sand. An invisible weight crushes his body. The fire suffocates him as he lies next to Hongbin longer.

“Everything is so surreal with you, Hongbin. I met you because I thought you were someone else, but it turned out you were...um...Hongbin. You are hot and we and we have a great time. But you said you knew me from before? I know nothing about you until I know now you were crazy.”

Hongbin slides nearer. He runs his hand up and down his cold arm, tickling his senses. “You’re overthinking things. Me being crazy is in the past. Doesn’t matter if I still am. If I’m not insane already, real life is trying to drive me insane. Like our good friends Ravi and N; they are probably doing some crazy things out there at Daejeon while we are having cake by the ocean.” He leans over and smooches Leo. “I like hiding in my happy place.”

Leo feels himself smiling, but he still shivers. “Do you have a for voyeurism?”

“You have a very dirty mind, Taekwoonie,” says Hongbin. “Look into the picnic basket and you’ll find a Tous les jours cheesecake.”

“I hate you, Hongbin.” Leo’s lips find their partner to spar with. If only his kiss can make the terror in his mind goes away.

Studio

Ravi asks N to dance for him. The four reflections moving on the two sides of the mirror give N an illusional experience in the small musty dance studio back in Daejeon. On his left, he studies the two figures dancing on the glass surface. The young ones smile their exhilarating smiles after a serious dance battle. Sweat rained everywhere, supplementing their growths. They passed the water bottle to each other. They could survive the expectation that their parents placed on them as they had each other. They were chummy now, but when they danced, they treated dancing like their pride was on the line. Ravi would always try to win. N was more relaxed about competition because he always loved dancing. He would dance whether there are competitions or not.

N looks to his right. Those two people he knows so well are unrecognizable. They will be at the age that no one would suspect them as being dancers. N would like to think that he will still dance when he is fifty, sixty, and well into the seventies. He will die trying. And Ravi will not dance at all. It will be something to reminiscent about while dozing off on his lounging chair. N wonders if Ravi will accidentally think about him.

Ravi turns on a slow song. It is a soft R&B song that N has always liked. It picks up its melody in phases of waves. One look from Ravi urges N to start surfing the bars. So he lifts his arms while Ravi observes.

N would normally get lost in his own intricate steps than notice himself spinning in the mirrors. Three figures spread their wings out simultaneously like butterflies breaking out of their cocoon---clumsy but they are born to fly. N pauses to recompose himself. He closes his eyes to focus on himself. In complete blackness, he moves through the universe where stars dance with him. He is hopping from comet to comet to catch the sun.

“Open your eyes, N.” The sharpness of Ravi’s voice brings him back to the dusty studio. He sees both of himself sheening and still remains graceful. “Do you see what I see, N? Do you see why Kim Wonshik wants to bring you down?” Ravi walks up to N while he is still spinning. N never breaks eye-contact with the beautiful dancer in the mirrors. “Wonshik wanted Hakyeon, but Hakyeon doesn’t belong to anyone. Wonshik loves to keep the rare gem that he can never have. Look at you. He’s desperate to have you.”

N halts his dance altogether, startling Ravi. He moves in onto Ravi so quick that he falters in his steps. “What about now?” asks N, breathless. Though they are not touching, N is near enough to see his wavering pupils. “Do you still want me?” He drops his voice.

Ravi does not shift away from his fiery gaze, though he can’t stand still. “No.”

N smirks. His slender tanned fingers grazes Ravi’s cheeks lightly. “Look at me. I am still the same. How can you not want me?” He leans in nearer, pushing Ravi towards the mirrors. The air stops breathing between them.

Ravi flicks N’s hand away. N flinches.

“We might stay the same, but everything’s different. There were things happened that we didn’t share. We shared them with other people. Kim Wonshik is trying to walk away from his past.”

“But you can’t.” N presses in even closer. His lips can almost graze Ravi’s stubbles. “That’s why you keep coming back to me.” His hands squeeze a little on his chin and cheeks. “Wonshik wants Hakyeon. Who are you trying to fool, Ravi?

“You should know yourself first before teaching me how to be Kim Wonshik.”

Ravi shoves him back ruthlessly. “Shut the up. Don’t act like you know me, N.” He spits his name out. “You were never there for me.”

N pushes his shoulders back harder than he did to him. “You didn’t bother looking for me.”

“You didn’t either.”

N laughs.  He is dumb to say something that would be used against him.

N was young, but he wasn’t stupid. “I wouldn’t want to have a boyfriend when I was a trainee. You saw what happened to me and Leo. You saw how scandalous everything was. If I found you, we would suffer the harsh consequence. I wasn’t ready to ruin everything I worked hard for.”

Ravi retreats. “You wouldn’t know that for sure.”

“Maybe not. We will never find out.” N stares at their shoes, like anyone would have an decent answer for them. Those shoes wouldn't have anything to say back to him, though his mind does. He already glided past the opportunity for him to be with Ravi. N chose something that he thought was better for himself. He shouldn’t have felt any regret. He bore a path that he insisted on. And he tried his best to be alone.

Ravi doesn’t agree nor disagree with him. He turns his back on him and takes out the CD from the stereo. He unplugs himself from the room, taking away N’s favourite music.

Daejeon

Her hug feels like home.

The short woman mutters into Ken’s chest. “Welcome home, son.”

Something rushes forth from deep inside Ken’s soul. The warmth moves him to tears. It has been awhile since a woman calls him her son and welcomes him home.

Ravi’s mother guides him towards the tableful of foods. The decorations in the room are minimal. Besides a worn sofa, a TV’s set, there are only Buddha statues line up by her walls. Ken is at ease sitting at the dining table like a faithful practitioner meditating on a plump lotus flower.

She still clings onto Ken. “I’m so lonely in this house.”

Ravi hugs his mom from the other side. “I told you to come live with us in Seoul.”

His mom glances at Ken. “I don’t want to get in you guys’ way.”

“No way. Jaehwan loves having his parents around. He will buy you a lot of statues. Right, Jaehwannie?”

“Yup. That’s all I’m going to buy.” Ken grins.

Ravi reaches around and touches his hand. “So you’ll live with us?”

Ken hits his hand. “I will live with mom, not you.”

It looks like as if Ravi is about to whine cutely, but his mom stops him. “You guys are okay now?”

Ken smiles at her only. “We are fine. I was just busy.”

“Jaehwan-ah, I was too harsh on you.” Mom desperately pulls on his hand. “You were the first and only boyfriend he brought home. I didn’t know what to do when you two were on your knees. I’m sorry for hitting you with a broom, Jaehwan.” She cups his cheek. “Come back often, Jaehwannie, even if you don’t want my son anymore. I would trade sons with your parents.” She finally breaks into a smile.

“Mom,” says Ravi, really whining this time.

His mom Ravi’s cheek too. “I only have him. I want him to live his life the way he wants it.”

Ravi gives her a look, as if warning her to stop the “I raised you all by myself” cheesy talk.

Mom glances at a black-and-white photo on the tiny table leaning against the wall. Ravi’s young father is forever trapped. She looks sorry, like she owes him a lot. She wants to do a lot more good for him and Ravi. “Aren't you glad I didn’t marry my Wonshikkie off to a nice woman?”

Ravi snuggles into his mom’s neck. Ken can’t tell who’s sorrier; who’s more guilty. Ken is the guilty one, the sinner.

“You are the best mom in all of Korea,” says Ravi.

“Only in Korea?”

“Fine. In all of Daejeon.”

Ravi’s mom slaps his hand. “Shut up and eat.”

Ravi takes a seat across from Ken. He winks at him, telling him that he welcomes him home too.

Ken stares down at his bowl of warm rice. His mom cooked it for him dry, exactly the way that Ken prefers it, despite that her stomach can’t digest them well. She and Ravi try to emphasize that he never left them. Their story has been continuing inside their hearts. This moment is suppose to be perfect. There’s no stupid boss. There’s no N. There’s no mom and dad who haunt Ken’s dreams. Ken takes a small bite. He looks up and gives them a wide smile. He wishes that the supper doesn’t end.

Hotel

Hyuk curls into a ball on his side. A crushing stone presses against his side. All his rib bones are going to crack. His face grows so long that his chin is going to touch his neckline. All he ever knew in the past five years of his career is write, write, and write articles. He wrote about what happened to the people. He conjured long, winding dramatic stories about how poor got richer and how the rich got even richer; or how the ugly duckling transformed to a unbearing diva swan by selling their bodies. Hyuk would called himself a creative reporter. What did he know about making advertisement?

His boss asked him to write something to inform people the contest for a chance to get a to meet N in person. In Hyuk’s hands, that nice one-liner turned to an essay full of that no one cared about. He crumbles the piece of flyer in his hand.  “Buy your album now for a chance to win a fansign ticket!”---that’s all he needed to type in the square box. He forgot that people are uncomplicated, stupid at their best. One effective line is all they would need from him. Hyuk punches the mattress as if that is his own birdbrained soul. How could he mess up with something that easy? In the morning, he it up and tried everything to pull through his first assignment that’s due in three hours. In the afternoon, he opened his email, and there it was, the flyer in completion, different from what he had sent in, all done by his supervisor. It screams: “You are a failure.” Hyuk thought he would die from a heart attack right then and there.

He buries his face in the pillow. All he knows is writing.

Maybe he should have stayed where he was. He should be by Ken hyung’s side and help him to achieve what he wants. Hyuk is good at stalking anyway. He didn't have to put himself through the unnecessary ordeal of being chewed and spit out again, trying so hard while no one appreciated him. He is at the lowest position in the company that is useless to everyone and earning the salary that he doesn't deserve. It is like his first ty job all over again. He shuts his eyes tight. Maybe when he wakes up again, that would be a humiliation that only happens in dreams.

The door beeps open. Hyuk rolls on his other side, facing the door. Ken wears his baggy black sweater and white shorts. He strides over to Hyuk and flops besides him. They meet eye-to-eye on a parallel. “Hey, kid. You forgot our lunch date.”

Hyuk shoots up. He peers at the clock at his bedside. It shows the time of two minutes past five. He was so into his work that he forgot about Ken hyung completely---another reason why he should quit his job ASAP. He presses the heels of his palms against his eyes. “We can get ready for dinner.”

“You didn’t bother me today, what’s going on?.”

“I want to die, hyung.” Hyuk buries his head into Ken’s chest. He rubs his greasy hair against the fluffiness of his sweater. His hyung doesn’t seem to mind.

Ken digs his hands through his thick hair, massaging his scalp. “You don’t like your work?”

“I’m so incompetent. I should go back to you.” Hyuk feels his chest heaving. He can be tougher tn front of the adverse situation. N hates him because of his betrayal. Hell. He had been yelled at as a cashier by a customer at the checkout line. This should be nothing.

“It’s too late for that now.” Ken his back. “And you’re not useless.”

Hyuk stares up at him. “My boss did my work for me. I feel bad.” His head flops back onto Ken. He can’t bear to see the disappointment flashing in his eyes. He pulls on his clothe. “Take me back, please. Or else I will burn your four-hundred-and-two panama hats collection. They make me puke.”

Ken gasps. He pushes Hyuk away. “You think they are hideous? You haven’t seen my fried chicken magnet collection yet.”

Hyuk groans. Nonetheless, his lips curl up.

“They need you to screw up so you can learn. Who doesn’t make mistakes at their new job? You probably messed up when you started out as a reporter.”

Was he always a moron? “I don’t remember.”

Ken flicks his forehead. “Exactly. You’ll forget about this terrible feeling soon. Just don’t forget what you learned from it.”

Right, as if everything is as easy as Ken hyung said. He cuddles into Ken. At least someone cares about him in times of crisis. “So you won’t take me back?”

Ken slings his arms around his waist. His touch was light in the dip of his waist. “No. Remember why you agreed to the job in the first place. It’ll all worth it in the end.”

Hyuk thinks of N. He remembers his distaste in his eyes as he utters the word “paparazzi”. And how his eyes lit up the first time he met Hyuk at the Jellyfish office. He remembers the noonas showed him around in the office and the tea leaves imported from Japan at the bottom drawer in the pantry. They told him with smiles that oolong tea is the best for nerve calming when deadlines are suffocating. He remembers failing to create the perfect advertisement before the deadline. “I can’t go to work tomorrow.” He coughs into his shirt. “I’m sick.”

Ken sits straight up, nudging Hyuk to do the same. “We’ll worry about that tomorrow. Go out with me. You said you wanted to hang out.”

Hyuk lets his Ken hyung to pull him off the bed. Like a loser without vision, he follows someone else’s lead.

Park

The gazebo covers Ken and Hyuk from the bullet-size rain hitting the bushes and the evergreen trees. Hyuk can feel the moisture creeping on his skin. Ken has his back against the red pillar. His eyebrows come together. “I thought today is going to be fun for you.”

Hyuk bumps shoulders with him. “It is fun not working. I took some pictures. Wanna see?” He shows the small display screen in his Canon camera. The cluster of pink lotus flowers float on the ponds, a group of ink-black crows soar through the gray sky, a troop of children march past them hand-in-hand following their teacher. The two smile upon the group pictures. Hyuk envies their easiness with one another. They fall together in perfect harmony creating an effortless, pleasing image.

Hyuk throws his arm around Ken’s shoulders. He aims the lens at themselves. Ken draws out his face and squints his eyes while Hyuk beams into the camera. Hyuk checks the photo. He punches Ken in the arm. He redoes the picture again. This time they both smile. They are harmonious too.

Tap. Tap. Tapity. Tap. Ken’s shoes hit the floorboard. He swings his arms around like an ape. Hyuk chortles. His hands press against his stomach from laughing too hard. Hyuk hops around like monkey too. They crack up under the rain.

Ken ends up chasing Hyuk around the gazebo in his monkey form. He jumps on Hyuk’s back and grabs his camera. He takes pictures of Hyuk while squatting, bending, sitting, recording Hyuk from the strangest angle. Hyuk is a good sport so he poses like a model on those cheesy public announcement posters---he raises his hand to a “V” sign for example. Then he puts his hands at his hips and sticks his chest out proudly like a Nobel Prize winner for literature.

Ken laughs so hard that he slaps Hyuk’s shoulders. Hyuk loses his balance and tips towards the railing. The stormy rain pounces on him and he is soaking throughout already. He screeches and pulls Ken out into the rain with him. Ken falls onto him chest-to-chest. Hyuk looks down at his hyung. He appears to be smaller than he is at this awkward angle. If Hyuk can, he would take a snapshot of Ken right now when the raindrops sliding off of his damp strands of hair. Ken shoves Hyuk off before he can do anything to him.

Thud. “,” says Hyuk. He rushes out to the camera that crashed into the floor. He presses the “on” button, but the screen remains dead. He shakes the water out of the camera before trying to turn it on again. No response. Hyuk whines. “They are going to yell at me again.” Tears rush to his eyes. If the flyer won’t cost him the job, this will give him a death sentence. He lets the rain seeping into his skin. All he wants is to be a good use to N, but he only ruins everything. Why should he stay at Jellyfish if he’s not contributing at all?

Ken pulls Hyuk up by the shoulders to drag him back to the gazebo. “I know someone who can fix this. Hide it until we get back to Seoul, ‘kay? I will fix this.”

Hyuk turns to him. Ken looks as worry as Hyuk does. He forces a smile. His hyung tries to make the day fun and memorable for him. “Alright. You’ll fix it for me.”

They don’t fool around anymore. They sit and wait until the clouds lift; the rain stops.
 

A/N: Angst. Angst. Angst. Leobin is kind of awesome compare to RavixN, at least Hongbin is a honest person.

Anyway, what do you think?  Should N not be involved with Ravi anymore like he did years before? Or should he gives his heart a second chance? :O

 And for the reader who asked for Hyuk: here you go, you got baby Hyukkie trying hard to navigate new workplace and not be a disappointment---an emotional state inspired by real life :/ I wish I had a Ken hyung too :').

Sub and upvote if you like the story. Comments are much appreciated.

Thank you for reading. Love you!

Your dreamer,

suzyelf