so what do i do now?

ㅡ

And after weeks passed by, Yoongi was the only one who actually knew about the secret he was hiding from anyone. Yoongi was the only one who knew the whole story and what Namjoon was about to do. In fact, Namjoon indeed was sick, but he refused to take treatment as he figured there was no reason to, and wasting the money for something that probably wouldn’t even work wasn’t what he had in his mind. Yoongi often tried to talk him into taking the treatment, but Namjoon never even paid Yoongi’s words any attention. Yoongi indeed was sure Hoseok would have been able to make his best friend taking the treatment, but he had been forced, by Namjoon, to never talk about it to anyone.

To be honest, Yoongi had his own problems as Jimin was acting as if nothing happened, literally. As if they never happened. He acted like they had always been best friends around Yoongi and it hurt the older to a level beyond imagination. Namjoon saw that, watched it and found himself unable to help any of them at all. Up until now he had never gotten to know what their breakup had been about, and he wasn’t one to ask them. He wouldn’t force any of them to tell him. He just wished they wouldn’t be as foolish as he himself and actually talk to each other.

He sometimes thought about the possibility that Hoseok was actually wishing for him to come talk to him. But then again, why would Hoseok want that? He broke it off, so why would Namjoon be allowed to make that step? And after all, Namjoon had promised to not bother the slightly older any longer. He would make the best out of his life and dedicate it to Hoseok.

At this point, he actually even grew egoistic. He had thought about sparing his friends the pain of him being gone. But, nowadays something was just there that made him feel like they deserved it, even though they clearly didn’t. He wanted them to feel the pain of somebody be gone. They didn’t understand, well maybe beside Yoongi and Jimin, and he was just selfish enough to make them experience it, make them feel at least partly what he felt like ever since Hoseok left him. But, then again, Hoseok had been the love of his life. Namjoon wasn’t the love of his friends’ lives, but at least he was a beloved friend, so it would hurt too.

However, he did feel bad. He knew he was being so, so selfish and he felt really bad because of that. However, he had now reached that point where he