It was as if he hadn’t slept at all when he woke up from the faint noises the man made in the kitchen. Once again, it was early, and he felt dead tired. Still, he sat up, rubbing at his eyes and stretching his aching back. Sure, he was used to sleeping on the floor after so many years doing it… But that didn’t mean that it was comfortable.

His mind sleep-dazed, he found his eyes wandering to the bed… It looked so much more comfortable. He didn’t remember much from when he’d woken up in it the night the man had rescued him from the shelter, but he was sure it would be so much nicer than the floor… So much softer, warm, his limbs wouldn’t hurt…

A shiver of fear ran down his back and all thoughts about how comfortable or not the bed might be vanished when they were overrun by the memory of the last time he’d laid in a bed before coming here. Bile rose in his throat as the memories of what had happened returned, and he dug his sharp nails into his legs as he pulled them up to his chest, hugging them tightly. He didn’t want to go there, didn’t want those memories to return! He shuddered again, and only the tenseness in his whole body kept him from shaking violently.

His stomach revolted and he gasped as breathing became painful while his memories held him captive, tormenting him with images and feelings from a time he’d sworn to himself to forget.

He didn’t hear the knock on the door, and he didn’t see it opening as his eyes stared unseeingly in the general direction of it. He didn’t notice the man coming in, nor did he smell the no doubt delicious breakfast he was carrying in and setting down on the chair next to the door.

It wasn’t until the man had crossed most of the room and was standing almost within reach of him that he registered his presence, and it startled him into hastily scrambling backwards, just to feel his back collide with the wall before he could put anywhere near enough distance between them.

He stared up at the man fearfully, unable to distinguish what was memory and what was reality, and even more afraid to find out. Dry sobs heaved in his throat as he tried to focus on the man towering over him while his face distorted into another one he wished he’d never seen. At any moment, he expected him to reach out to him, and he would be unable to stop him as pain consumed him.

“P-please…” He choked, his eyes burning with tears that would never come. “P-please… do-don’t…”

The man frowned, and his lips moved, but he couldn’t hear his words. He wanted to hide, wanted to close his eyes and pretend he wasn’t where he was and nothing was happening, but he knew it would change nothing. The images would still be there, probably even worse.

The man moved, and he was sure this was it, this would be where his pain-free streak ended- but the man didn’t come closer. He lowered himself to the floor in front of him, still out of reach, and none of his movements indicated he would come closer.

His breathing halted as he observed the man, his actions so different from his memories there was no way he could confuse them, and he blinked rapidly, trying to comprehend what was happening.

Through his confusion, the buzzing in his ears lessened and he could hear what the man was saying. His voice was soft, gentle, and something that sounded like worry coloured his tone.

“I know you don’t believe me, but I won’t hurt you. I won’t come any closer if you don’t want me to; here, I’ll sit down right here. I can’t reach you from here. You are safe.”

He blinked, trying to focus on the man’s words, questioning every single one of them. He wasn’t coming closer, that much was true. But could he reach him from where he was sitting? No, he couldn’t, not even if he leaned all the way forward and stretched his arms out. He couldn’t even graze him, and certainly not hurt him. The way he was sitting with his legs bent to the side was disadvantageous for him, too; he couldn’t get up quickly, and he couldn’t shuffle forward easily. For the moment, he really seemed safe.

“Can you even hear me? Do you recognize me? Do you know where you are? Do you remember the last few days?”

Confusion came back hard, but it was different. What was it with the questions? Of course he could hear him! And of course he recognized him, and the room, and why shouldn’t he remember the last days-…

His thoughts halted.

That was now.  But only a few moments ago, none of that was true. And if it hadn’t been for the man’s uncharacteristic actions, it would still be that way.

A bout of shame came over him as he realized the man had just saved him from his own personal hell that were his memories. If it wasn’t for him, he would have spiraled deeper and deeper into his mind, only escaping it when he eventually passed out from screaming his throat raw. And waking up from that was never pretty. Suddenly, he was incredibly thankful that the man was there, and finally the tears that wouldn’t come earlier came loose.

He felt himself relax, not despite the man being there, but because he was there as the first tear rolled down his face.

His throat closed up, but he forced the words his whole being felt obligated to say past the heavy lump.

“T-Th-Thank y-you…” They were barely above a choked whisper, but the man seemed to hear them.

Confusion spread on his face, and it was his turn to stammer.

“Wha- what for?”

He couldn’t answer though, he could never get all the words necessary to explain why he was thankful past his closing up throat, even if he knew them; which he didn’t. Instead, he just shook his head, burying his face against his arms as he unwrapped them from around his legs and settled them on top of them instead, trying to fight the onslaught of tears that didn’t seem to want to end.

“Ah-… damn. Uhm… Hey, it’s-… it’s ok, alright?” The man sounded more unsure than he had ever felt, and he felt bad for him. He’d just helped him, and he didn’t want him to have to feel that confused because of him in turn, but he didn’t know what to do.

“Hey, I don’t know what you thanked me for, what I did that warranted it, but… but it’s ok now, right?”

He wondered if the man was trying to comfort him, because it sure felt like he was, even if he sounded as if he needed comfort himself. Taking deep breaths, he tried to get his tears under control and look back up at the man; only on the edge of his thoughts he realized how absurd it was that he had been letting the man out of his sight while he was this close in the first place, showing such a vulnerable side. He quickly dismissed it, though.

He didn’t quite manage to stop the tears from flowing completely, but he quietened his sobs as he looked back up, and the sight he was greeted with nearly took his breath.

The man’s face was a mask of pure helplessness and worry, and there was no way it wasn’t genuine. It didn’t make sense to him, but he couldn’t deny it, either. He didn’t know where it came from, but he felt a sudden urge to comfort the man himself; he just didn’t know how, since he’d never done it before, and he couldn’t remember anyone ever comforting him.

Instinctively, though, he wiped at his tears, hoping intently that they would stop flowing now, and tried to find the man’s gaze.

It wasn’t easy, though, as everything in him screamed to avert his eyes and not lock them with the man’s, remembering one too many occasions when locking gazes with a human had brought him nothing but punishment. Still, he managed to brush those memories aside, weirdly enough not caring if he’d be punished this time, and his eyes found the man’s.

“It is… ok…” He managed to whisper, wondering for a second what he even meant.

The man’s eyes widened, clearly surprised, but he was fast at regaining his composure.

“Is it? Are you ok?”

He nodded, his eyes finally darting away from the man’s again, and his own sigh of relief got lost under the louder one from the man.

“Good, I’m glad… I… , I need to get going! Will you… will you be ok?” The man suddenly sounded distressed again, and he didn’t want to be the cause of it. Hastily, he nodded.

“Really?” The man still didn’t move from his position, despite his obvious restlessness, and he nodded again.

The man exhaled slowly.

“Ok… I’m going to get up now, please don’t be startled. I won’t come near you, I promise.”

He furrowed his brow slightly, finding that he wasn’t even worried about that possibility now. It didn’t make sense… nothing made!

He didn’t flinch when the man got up, slowly, but he didn’t let him out of his sight, either. But contrary to the times before, he didn’t feel relief when the man left the room; this time, he felt empty, except perhaps a slight twinge of regret that he also didn’t understand.

He wasn’t able to form a single thought that made sense to him as his hearing focused on the noises the man made elsewhere in the apartment. He wasn’t surprised and even felt almost indifferent when the man’s steps returned down the hallway towards his room after a while. Without fail, the knock sounded on his door, but it wasn’t this time that he managed to invite him in before he opened the door himself.

“Hey… uhm, are you still ok?”

He nodded minutely.

“Good, I’m… I’m glad. Uhm, I was wondering… Your bandage. Would you be ok with me checking it now? Or should we wait until lunch time?”

Confused, he raised his hand to his neck, feeling the bandage. He had forgotten about it completely for the time being.

“Is it hurting?” The man asked, and he shook his head.

“That’s good. Is it wet anywhere? Itching?”

He felt along the soft white gauze around his neck, using his other hand, too, but he found it dry everywhere. He shook his head again to answer the man’s question.

The man let out a sigh of relief.

“That’s good, really good. We should be safe to leave it until lunch if you prefer that, but it’s your choice.”

He pondered over the man’s words for a while. Would it make a difference if he let the man check now or when he came back during his lunch break? It didn’t, he would have to let him come close to check on him some time either way; leaving the wound untreated was not an option he was considering. He didn’t want another fever and the pain to return. He was about to shrug to indicate his indifference when he took notice of the man’s body language.

It was subtle, really subtle. He only shifted his weight minutely from one feet to the other while picking at a bit of loose skin on his thumb with the middle finger from the same hand at his side. The glance to the watch on his wrist was also almost unnoticeable, but all that betrayed the man’s impatience as he looked closer.

Right, the man had to go to work, and he had to be there in time! It was probably getting late for him…

He shifted his gaze upwards, not quite meeting the man’s eyes and instead focusing on his chest as he answered.

“Lunch.”

The man tried not to show his relief, but it was obvious in his eyes.

“Alright. But if it starts bothering you… The first aid kit is in the bathroom. There are scissors in there with which you can cut the bandage. If it starts to hurt it’s better to take it off until I return than to leave it on, ok? Just don’t get dirt into the wounds.”

He nodded in understanding, and now the man showed his relief.

“Alright. I’ll be going now; I’ll see you at lunch.”

The man hesitated for a moment longer before closing the door behind him and leaving.

He could hear his steps leave down the hallway, pause at the front door, then the door opening, closing, locking, and then there was silence.

Once again, he didn’t feel the same sense of relief at knowing he was alone now than the days before. He felt nothing.

For a while, he just sat there, until he remembered the breakfast the man had brought in. It was delicious, and he wondered briefly if he’d ever get used to such delicious food; and then, how long he would have to get used to food like that. Surely it couldn’t last forever!

*#*#*#*

Taekwoon spent the morning in a state of restlessness that didn’t allow him to get much work done, nor to bring up the patience to deal with Hakyeon when he busted into his office.

“Do you not have any work to do yourself?” He sighed as he put down the rather useless pen he’d been holding, given that he hadn’t been able to get a single word down in over an hour, and would get none down while Hakyeon was here.

“Nope. There isn’t a single choreography I don’t know by heart already, I finished my workout, and all of my groups are out today. I have all day to bother you.” Hakyeon chirped happily as he sauntered over towards the chair opposite Taekwoon’s desk.

Taekwoon sighed again, shaking his head.

“Please don’t.”

Hakyeon’s brow creased as he gauged Taekwoon’s mood correctly and sat down quietly instead of flopping down like he’d originally planned.

“What’s wrong?” He asked softly, all playfulness gone and just concern for his best friend showing.

Taekwoon looked up from his desk, and Hakyeon understood without further explanation when their eyes met.

“Your… roommate?”

Taekwoon nodded.

“I’m worried about him…”

Hakyeon’s brow creased.

“Why?”

A long sigh answered him.

“I’m worried about having left him alone today. He… He had a bad moment this morning.”

“A bad moment? What happened?”

Taekwoon was well aware that the concern in Hakyeon’s voice was most likely directed at him and not so much at the boy, and he shook his head, needing to make sure he didn’t let the boy stand in a bad light in Hakyeon’s eyes.

“He got stuck in some kind of waking nightmare this morning. I’m guessing a bad memory of some sorts. He was really out of it, didn’t even notice me coming in, and then didn’t recognize me at first. When he did, he thanked me and cried. I don’t know for sure, but I guess I must have done something that helped him get out of that memory… I don’t know. I just know I don’t like leaving him alone for this long. What if he gets stuck in another bad memory when I’m not there and I don’t even have a chance to try and do something that makes him snap out of it?”

Hakyeon rose an eyebrow at Taekwoon’s outburst, not used to hearing him say so much at once. He didn’t get a chance to say anything, though, because Taekwoon was already continuing.

“I mean, he’s probably had that happen before and somehow lived through it, but… I don’t want him to have to go through something like that. And especially not alone. I want to be there to help if I can. He doesn’t deserve to be left alone to suffer like that…”

Hakyeon sighed, sitting up.

“Then why don’t you finish up early and go home? Pack your things that you were going to do today and finish them at home.”

“I can’t…” Taekwoon shook his head, subconsciously sitting up straighter in his chair.

“Yes you can! I know you’re out of the clocking system and have permission to come and go according to your needs. Make use of that privilege, for your and the hybrid’s sake!”

Taekwoon’s brow furrowed automatically at Hakyeon’s words.

“News sure travel fast around here… Where the hell do you know that from again?”

“From Eunkwang himself. He gave me a ride home last night, but then we decided to go to the movies together with Sungjae. The boy has the weirdest taste in movies, I swear…” He shuddered, then perked up. “Hey, you should find out what kind of movies your hybrid likes! Maybe he and Sungjae have the same weird obsession with flashy, bright, fast moving movies… I wonder if it’s a cat thing… Anyway, if they do, you and Eunkwang can take turns taking them to the movies together. Sungjae is obsessed with the theater, but Eunkwang rarely has enough time to take him there.”

Taekwoon shook his head as Hakyeon managed to stray away from the topic so fast.

“I doubt he’ll be going anywhere anytime soon… He’s still hiding in his room and only just lets me come close long enough to change the bandage on his neck. It’ll be a long way until he’s ready to leave the house again, and I fear it’ll be an even longer one until he’s ready to get near crowds…”

“Once he comes out of his shell I’m sure he’ll open up real fast.” Hakyeon contradicted him with a shake of his head, but Taekwoon wasn’t in the mood to argue.

“We’ll see…”

“Mhm. And you should go home and look after him now if it’s bothering you so much to leave him alone.”

Taekwoon glanced at the clock. It wasn’t even an hour until lunch anymore… Surely it wouldn’t hurt if he skipped just that bit and went home now, right?

It was Hakyeon who ended up making the decision for him as he unplugged Taekwoon’s computer.

“Oops…” The older grinned, while Taekwoon glared at him. It would take about half an hour to start up all the equipment hooked up to the computer again… It really wasn’t worth it.

With his lips in a thin line, he shoved the couple of papers sitting on the desk in front of him into his briefcase and closed it, rounding his desk to chop at the neck of his grinning friend.

“’Thank you, Hakyeonnie! You make the best decisions! I shall bring you some leftovers from lunch for dinner when I come back this afternoon!’” Hakyeon mocked, and Taekwoon could only shake his head as he held the door open for his friend.

“You are the worst…”´

“But you love me! Now go, run, don’t let my rival wait!”

Taekwoon would never admit that he was having trouble keeping his lips in a thin, straight line and not smile at his stupid best friend as he shook his head and hurried down to the parking lot.

*#*#*#*

Taekwoon had found the boy sleeping when he came home, but he’d woken up while he’d been making lunch for the two of them (and maybe a little more to have enough leftovers for Hakyeon). When he went to look at the wound on his neck, he was once again simultaneously surprised and pleased about how quickly it was healing, though he remembered Sungjae mentioning something about hybrids healing faster than humans the day before.

In his wondering, he failed to notice the significantly reduced tension in the boy as he covered the wound again, but he did notice the exponentially higher tension in him when he returned from his afternoon shift later that day.

The hybrid was once again sitting in the furthest corner, his knees pulled up in front of his body, cowering behind them with wide, fearful eyes as Taekwoon peeked in.

Taekwoon frowned.

“Hey… What’s wrong? Did something happen while I was gone?”

The boy tensed further, his shoulders starting to shake lightly as he didn’t let Taekwoon out of his sight while the fear in him mounted.

Confusion prevailed as the main emotion as Taekwoon entered the room, but worry joined it as the boy looked more and more as if he was about to pass out from fear. Was he stuck in another nightmarish memory? But he didn’t look like it, Taekwoon was sure he had recognized him…

Still, he decided to do as he had in the morning and sit on the floor in front of the boy, still far enough away to be out of his reach.

“Are you alright? This is not the same as this morning, right? You can recognize me. You know who I am. What is scaring you?”

The boy took a couple of quick, shaky breaths that did nothing to calm him, but eventually he stuttered a reply.

“I- I’m s-so-sorry…”

Taekwoon blinked in confusion, not understanding why the boy was apologizing now.

“What are you sorry for?” He softened his voice considerably. “Hey, there is nothing you need to fear of me, ok? Whatever it is you’re sorry for, I won’t punish you for it. I’m not going to hurt you in any way. Please tell me what is wrong?”

The boy shook harder, gripping his legs so tightly Taekwoon wondered if he might not be bruising himself. Eventually, he closed his eyes, swallowed hard and managed one word.

“Bath.”

Taekwoon blinked, but he figured it was the best he was going to get from the other. He stood up slowly, wary of startling the boy and retreated slowly out of the room. As soon as he opened the door to the bathroom, though, he understood what the boy was talking about.

The bathroom was a mess. There were towels hung over everything that looked even remotely fit to hang them over. And there was possibly not a single towel left that wasn’t dirty or soaking wet, or both. And so was the floor in front of and around the sink, as well as the top of the counter next to it.

Taekwoon could guess pretty accurately what had happened here: the boy had once again tried to clean himself. He must have gotten further than his face and hands this time, if the amount of towels and the grey footprints on the white tiles were any indication.

Just why was he wearing his same old, dirty clothes, still? Taekwoon shook his head, the answer pretty obvious. He must have panicked at some point and not been thinking straight from then on. There was a part of the floor that looked like he’d been trying to wipe it clean with one of the towels, then given up on that when the towel became the dirtiest of the whole bunch. The toppled laundry hamper in the corner suggested he’d tried to hide the dirty towels at first, then remembered what he’d told him about hanging the wet towels up, which he’d done then…

He must have either forgotten or not believed the part about him not being in trouble if he dirtied the towels, though.

Taekwoon shook his head sadly. Poor boy…

With a few quick moves, he gathered the dirty towels from their makeshift drying racks, finished wiping the floor clean with a couple of them, as well as the sink and counter, and quickly shoved the whole load into the washing machine. In no time, the bathroom looked spotless again, and he returned to the boy’s room.

He was shaking uncontrollably now, covering his head with his arms when Taekwoon stepped inside the room.

Taekwoon’s heart clenched painfully, but he decided not to let his thoughts show and managed a small smile instead.

“Thank you for remembering to hang up the towels.”

The boy tensed, ceasing the shaking, and then looked up carefully, incredulously, from between his arms. When he saw Taekwoon stand close to the door, still, he lowered his arms, even, as he lifted his head.

“But…”

Taekwoon cocked his head, blinking questioningly as he didn’t continue.

“But… I… They are so dirty… Everything… I made… everything… dirty…” He choked out, close to tears, but Taekwoon waved it off with a nonchalance he didn’t feel; not that he was upset about the dirt or the towels, but about the boy’s fear because of such a small inconvenience.

“That’s alright. It’s all clean again, and the towels will be, too, soon. It’s nothing to worry about; hey... you’re not in trouble, ok?”

The boy was confusion personified as his eyes fixed on a point somewhere next to Taekwoon’s shoulder, wary of meeting his gaze.

“How?” He whispered, and Taekwoon sighed softly.

“It wasn’t that dirty…” Taekwoon lied, for the other’s sake “And even if it was… Getting the bathroom dirty is not something to get in trouble over. You don’t need to worry about that, ok? You can use everything and as much of it as you need from there. You also don’t need to wash yourself in the sink; you can use the shower, too. It’s easier.”

The boy lowered his gaze again, and Taekwoon almost cooed when he saw him bite the corner of his lip in an incredibly adorable manner. He chastised himself silently for that, though; was he becoming Hakyeon or what!? Shaking himself out of it he took a step back towards the door again.

“Please don’t worry anymore…”

*#*#*#*

He stared at the door that had just closed behind the man as if it was the eighth wonder of the world. He couldn’t believe it. For the longest hours, he’d expected himself to be nothing but a bloody heap on the floor by now, and yet… He remained unharmed. He didn’t know how to comprehend it.

Earlier that day, when the man had left for work again, he’d finally decided to clean himself. He’d felt it was then, or never.

Without making a single sound, he’d made it to the bathroom, locked the door and taken the first towel. Turning the water onto the hottest setting, he’d wetted the towel, but still cringed and flinched when dragging the wet fabric over his skin. He didn’t give up though, and eventually his dirty clothes had landed on the floor as he scrubbed at the dirt covering his body. Soon he didn’t find a clean enough spot on the towel anymore to wash his body with and took a new one from the cabinet by the door, discarding the first one to the floor next to him. The second towel followed the first one quickly. So did a third and a fourth and a couple more, until eventually he deemed his body clean enough.

Not so much his hair, though, but he had no idea how to get that clean. It didn’t look as if rubbing at it with a wet towel would help… Not that he didn’t try, though. As he gave up, deeming the effort useless, the reality of what he’d been doing caught up to him.

Suddenly, he saw all the dirt everywhere, grey water splattered everywhere on the floor around him, his feet leaving ugly prints on the one once white tiles, and the huge pile of towels… all wet, all dirty, an irrefutable proof of what he’d been doing…

He’d gathered them quickly, shoving them into the laundry hamper as quickly as he could… But then the state of the floor looked even more catastrophic, and he’d tried to wipe up the prints his feet left with one of the towels.

It soaked through in no time, becoming even darker and dirtier, and he buried it in the depths of the laundry hamper, under the rest of them…

And remembered what the man had told him the last time he’d done that.

Wincing, he’d taken the towel back out and hung it up. It swayed in its spot as if to taunt him, waving the proof of his guilt in his face… He tore it down again, balled it up, ready to hide it, somewhere, somewhere where it couldn’t be found… But he couldn’t think of anywhere, and wouldn’t it be better to just hang it up? It was what the man had told him to do…

He took a deep breath, then hung the towel up again. He didn’t stay to look at it, instead turning to get the other wet towels from the hamper and hang them up, one by one.

When he was done, he made the mistake to look back at the bathroom around him... And panicked. Before he knew what he was doing, he ran and took the towels down again, throwing them in the hamper and closing it tightly.

But the bathroom was still dirty, and he had no way to clean it… So if he got in trouble for that… at least he wouldn’t get in trouble for not hanging up the towels if he hung them up, right? So, he hang them up again, every single one of them. Just to tear them down again as soon as he was done, and hang them up again later.

In the meantime, the sun sunk behind the city skyline, and it became darker in the room. Not that it bothered him, he had excellent night vision; but it also meant the man would be coming home any second now.

Without wasting another second he grabbed his clothes and darted back to his room; with the towels still up in the bathroom. He didn’t dare go back to take them down again, though. He didn’t want to risk being caught out of this room, even if it was painfully obvious that it had been him who’d made the bathroom a mess.

He didn’t notice how dirty his clothes were as he put them on mechanically, freezing when he heard a key in the lock of the door. Panic welled up in him again, and he crumpled to the floor right where he stood, barely managing to bring up the energy to drag himself to the corner and steel himself for the punishment he was sure would come but wasn’t sure he would survive.

Only it didn’t come. And now he definitely noticed how dirty and repugnant his clothes were. He gagged as the smell registered in his sensitive nose. Gah, how had he not smelled that before? But now that he did, he wished he could go back to not being able to smell it.

*#*#*#*

The stench emanating from his clothes was so horrible he found it hard to even eat while wearing them. The man must have noticed something was different about him, he’d asked if the food hadn’t been good as he’d eventually left something behind on his plate. Well, left almost everything behind because his stomach revolted violently and made it impossible for him to eat. The same happened the next morning, but he made sure to hide the food he couldn’t eat so the man wouldn’t notice.

Even after the man had left, though, he couldn’t find a moment where the smell wasn’t bothering him too much to eat without gagging. He already regretted ever having washed himself if this was the result of it…

Thankfully, the lunch the man made had a strong (and delicious!) scent that managed to overpower the stench of his clothes for long enough for him to eat. Once it was all gone, though, the stench was back and he seriously debated throwing the clothes away. He ended up deciding against it, but only because he feared being thrown out for some reason at any given time, and he’d rather not be then.

It was a pitiful situation; one he didn’t know how to escape from.

He forgot all about it, though, when the man returned that afternoon, once again loaded with shopping bags.

The man knocked on his door, opening it far enough to look inside seconds later, before pushing it open further to step into the room.

He wasn’t exactly cowering in the corner, mostly because he didn’t want to bring his nose closer to any piece of fabric that clung to body, but he still scooted away just that little bit further as the man came inside.

“Hey… Ah~ I went out and bought something, uhm, for you. See, I can’t help but notice how uncomfortable the white bedsheets and towels make you, so… I figured… I hope you like blue better.”

The man reached behind him into the hallway, lifting the bags he’d set down there and placed them inside the room.

“I was hoping… Well, white is a stupid colour, really. You touch one spot that isn’t pristinely clean and it already looks catastrophic. Blue is… more subtle, and I was hoping you wouldn’t worry as much about getting it dirty. See, here!” He lifted a big dark blue towel out of one of the bags, shaking it out to showcase the size and colour.

“Wow, I didn’t know they were this big! Anyway, there are five of those, and a couple of the smaller ones, too…” The man bent down again to rummage in the bag and pulled out a smaller version of the towel, in the same colour.

“These are yours now. I’m going to make some room in the bathroom cabinet and put them there. Of course you can still use all the white towels, too, if you want. But, as I said, I thought you might be more comfortable with these, so, there. Oh, and…!”

Under the boy’s curious and overwhelmed stare, and seemingly completely oblivious to it, the man picked up the other bag, taking out a stack of more blue fabric and set it on the edge of the bed, before picking up just the top piece of the pile.

“I got you blue bedsheets, too. There is a pattern on it, I think it’s woven in… Here!” He held the pillow case up in front of him, and the boy had to squint to see the pattern in the half light. It was pretty.

“I can change the sheets for you later, I just thought I’d make dinner first after putting the towels away.” He folded the pillowcase haphazardly and put it back on the pile.

Before the boy knew how to react to any of all that, the man picked up the bag with the towels and left the room. He could hear him rummage around in the bathroom, then the kitchen.

He shook his head, still not knowing what to think. The man had gotten him towels and bedsheets. Just for him. Because he thought he was uncomfortable with the white ones…

It was absurd.

The idea that he’d done that to make him feel more comfortable was absolutely absurd.

He’d probably done that so he wouldn’t keep ruining his white towels and bedsheets… But he couldn’t deny that the blue was pretty. Very pretty. And the towels looked so fluffy!

Carefully and listening out for footsteps, he approached the bed and the pile on top of it. He dared to stretch out his hand and touch the new fabric there, even though just shortly, as if it had bitten him. He half did expect it to bite him or turn on him in some other way, but… He was curious, and touched it again.

It felt so soft, too. Warm, but silky. It felt wonderful, and he found himself wanting to wrap himself up in those sheets…

The thought was like a bucket of cold water and he returned to his corner. He wouldn’t wrap himself in any sheets, not in these clothes. He had his blanket and that had to be enough… even if it reeked almost as bad as his clothes by now.

He pulled said blanket close to him, noticing it wasn’t as nice and fluffy as it had been a few days ago anymore. Sad, he wrapped it around himself anyway, seeking for the comfort it still managed to provide him with. It might be dirty and not smelling nice anymore, but it was still warm and comforting, as well as the only comfort he might have dared accept in a moment of weakness but wasn’t going to let go off voluntarily.

He needed to be more careful, though, he reminded himself. He couldn’t just blindly trust the man. He shouldn’t. And he shouldn’t blindly accept everything he was offering. Food, clothes, towels, bedsheets… even this whole room. There must still be something the man was trying to gain out of all of this. And he still didn’t know what it was.

He shuddered as flashes of possibilities ran through his mind, and decided that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t that bad that he stank so badly. At least that should keep the man away from him for most of the time…

He only picked at the food the man brought for dinner a little later, almost ready to revoke his decision that his stench was a good repellent; it also repelled most of his appetite, and he mentally prepared himself to spend the night hungry.

When the man returned to pick up the tray, he frowned, and the same worry he’d seen on the man’s face the day before returned to it.

“Did you not like the food? I can bring you something else if you want to… Or are you sick? Are you not feeling well? Are you hurting somewhere?!” The man took a step closer, but froze as soon as he tensed.

“If there’s something wrong, please tell me so I can help you… I don’t want you suffering in silence…”

He just shook his head though, whispering a barely audible “I’m fine.” when he relaxed enough to form words and the man had retreated again.

His tension returned tenfold, though, when the man approached the bed next.

“I’m just going to change the sheets real quick; don’t worry, I won’t come close again. How’s your neck doing?”

He couldn’t have answered him even if he’d wanted to. Seeing the man next to the bed, stripping the pillows and duvet, followed by the mattress brought back wretched memories, and he pressed himself rigidly into the corner of the room as he watched him with wide eyes. Desperately, he was trying to not lose focus on reality, on this moment, to not let his memories take over. But the scene he was watching was so similar, so incredibly similar to another-…

Until the man frowned and rounded the bed to lift the mattress a bit on one end, bending down next to pick something up.

He gasped as another memory, a much more recent one flashed in his mind, and he knew exactly what the man had just found there; the sandwich he’d hidden there a couple of days ago! He’d all but forgotten about it!

The man wrinkled his nose shortly as he picked it up and inspected it, until he recognized what it was.

“I wouldn’t recommend eating this anymore. I’m pretty sure you’d get sick from it.”

He set it down on the chair by the door, then returned to the bed to put on the new sheets.

Meanwhile, the boy in the corner was sure he’d faint from the stress, soon. His breathing came in quiet, short gasps and he had trouble focusing on the scene in front of him.

Was he in trouble for the hidden sandwich? Did it ruin the bed? His head swam dizzily as his thoughts returned to the bed, which the man was still too close to. He should have just protested against the man changing the sheets, told him not to bother since he wouldn’t use it anyway…

As if he could ever do that.

He could never directly cross the man like that, he wasn’t suicidal! But damn, did he want him to step back, just leave the bed alone so he didn’t have to focus on it, and leave, just leave. Just let him breathe again, give him a break from those haunting memories that tried to replace his sight of reality…

Eventually, the man did step back from the bed, now covered in the dark blue sheets.

He blinked, hard, to focus on the new sight.

If the piece of furniture hadn’t been so big, he’d almost say it didn’t look as threatening as before anymore with the new sheets. The dark blue was a stark contrast from the white of his memory…

And then, he remembered the sandwich again that the man was just picking up carefully, wrinkling his nose again.

He could understand his reaction; it really hadn’t been a good idea to hide and forget a tuna sandwich, of all sandwiches. How he hadn’t smelled the putrid stench of slowly rotting fish before… He could only blame it on his clothes, who smelled differently but none the less repugnant.

“I’m going to throw this away, if you don’t mind…” The man didn’t wait for a response to see if he would mind, but he wouldn’t have given one anyway.

He was positively surprised, though, when the man returned shortly after with a box of crackers, setting them on the chair where the sandwich had been before.

“I thought these would make for a much better emergency food stash. They won’t go bad as quickly, I think you have… 6 months to find them should you forget where you put them before they go bad. If I were you I’d eat them before that, though; they taste better when they aren’t stale. If you like them, I’ll make sure to keep a stash in the kitchen as well.”

It was too much, and his knees started to shake. Against his will, his back slid down against the wall until he was sitting on the floor. He wrapped his arms around his legs protectively as he tried to hide behind them, shaking his head.

The man took a tentative step towards him, then seemed to think better of it again and stood rooted in place.

“Oh no… are you alright? Is there something wrong? Do you need anything?” Desperation creeped into the man’s voice, and he shook his head harder.

“I don’t… understand…” He choked out, more to himself as to the man.

“What… What do you not understand?”

Out of the corner of his eyes and despite his swimming vision, he saw how the man slowly lowered himself to the floor, sitting down facing him, although half across the room.

He tried taking deep breaths to calm himself; the fact that the man was no longer standing, towering over him even if on the other side of the room somehow helped, and his head cleared even if just a bit.

“Everything. Why… why… all this…”

The man took a slow but deep breath.

“I told you why. You deserve it and you need it, and if I can give it to you, I will.”

“I still… don’t understand. Why…” He shook his head, trying to clear it. “Why do I… deserve it? It makes… no sense. Never… I never…” He couldn’t go on.

The man sighed, and he was sure what he heard was sadness in that sigh.

“That only makes you deserve it all the more… You shouldn’t spend one single day more in your life starving or freezing or in fear for your life and health. I know I can’t change it all from one day to the other, but I hope I can help.”

He shook his head again, hugging his legs tighter, until his stomach hurt from how hard he was holding on.

“I can’t… believe… Can’t… trust…”

The man clearly couldn’t be sure if the boy was talking to him or to himself.

“I don’t expect you to. Trust takes time and effort to gain, I know that. But if you could accept what I can give you for now, that would be good enough.”

He looked up sharply, though not meeting the man’s gaze. Instead, he stared at the bed with piercing eyes.

“I won’t… sleep… there!”

He saw the man shrug his shoulders minutely.

“That’s up to you. It’s your bed, your room; and your choice where you sleep. I’m just making sure it’s in a condition that would make it a good choice should you ever decide you want it.”

He shook his head again, hiding his face. He didn’t want the bed. He wanted it gone. He didn’t want it to keep tempting him, then send him down a path in his memories that was littered with nightmares. But he was too tired to try and explain it, so he just gave up.

Eventually, when he didn’t say anything else, the man stood up again and left, wishing him a good night before closing the door behind him.

*#*#*#*

He’d fallen asleep quite soon after the man had left his room, but he didn’t expect to wake up with him already gone. A tray with food stood on the chair, the box of crackers balanced on the edge of it after he hadn’t put it away the night before.

He couldn’t believe he’d slept through the man’s rummaging in the apartment and him coming into his room!

Shaking his head, he made his way over to the tray, but his movements rustled his clothes enough to send wafts of their disgusting smell up that once again succeeded in ruining his appetite. His stomach was growling, though, and he knew he had to eat.

He sighed, laying back on the polished wooden floor and staring at the ceiling. He’d never expected to have to fight himself to eat when there was food available; yet here he was. All because he couldn’t get over the nauseating stench of his own body and clothes.

He shook his head; it couldn’t go on like this. He had to change this while he still had the chance, no matter how terrifying doing it would be. But maybe he’d be lucky; maybe there wouldn’t be any bad consequences if he did it… And if there were… Well, it was bad the way it was now, too.

He sat up again, careful to breathe through his mouth and not his nose as he scooted closer to the tray and started eating. He didn’t have anything better to do, anyway. At least not while he didn’t know when or if the man would come back for lunch.

Without fail, though, the man came back during his lunch break, serving him lunch and looking after the wound on his neck.

“It’s all scabbed over now… It seems to be healing nicely. Is the collar bothering you like this?”

The man asked after he’d removed the bandages and taken a good look at the healing wound circling his whole neck. Carefully, he let the collar fall into place where it would rest normally if there wasn’t a bandage blocking it.

He moved his neck tentatively, feeling the weight and coldness of the collar on his skin. He wanted to tear it off, wanted it gone, it felt so wrong! He shifted uncomfortably and the man nodded, more to himself than to him.

“You don’t need bandages to cover the wound anymore, but I’ll put a light one on that keeps the collar away from your skin, ok?”

He didn’t object. Technically, the bandage could be seen as a collar of sorts, too, but if it kept him from feeling the monstrosity that was the restraining collar on his skin he would gladly take it.

After a while, the man left again, and it was then or never, he decided, that he would put his plan into practice.

Well, there wasn’t much of a plan, except that he was going to have to get rid of the stench clinging to him once and for all.

As quiet as always, he traipsed into the bathroom, indecisive as soon as he locked the door behind him.

The man had said he could use the shower… and it certainly would be easier…

His stomach knotted up slowly, until it was nothing more than a tight and heavy lump just below his ribs. Would he dare…?

Slowly, he made his way to the cubicle. At least the walls were made out of glass, it didn’t look like a cage… Tentatively, he reached out, inside it, to turn it on.

A drop fell off the shower head and hit the floor in front of him, and he jumped back with a muted cry, his heart beating frantically.

Once he calmed down a little, he approached the shower again, succeeding in turning it on. He jumped back again, though, before any of the droplets could hit him, and stared at the cascading water.

His heart beat heavily in his chest again, and it only seemed to get heavier by the minute, his chest constricting around it as air became scarce.

The rushing sound of the water as it left the shower head, the splattering sound as the droplets hit the floor and glass walls… His heart was beating so hard against his ribs that it hurt, his lungs burning from lack of oxygen as his vision began to darken and unfocus.

With a valiant effort, he shook his head and darted forward, only just managing to ignore the water falling on him until he managed to turn the shower off again.

He shivered at the uncomfortable wet feeling, shaking himself in an attempt to get rid of the water still clinging to him.

It took a while before his breathing normalized, his heart rate slowed down and his stomach unknotted. By then it was clear to him that the shower was and would continue to be out of question for him. So, the sink it was, again.

This time, though, he prepared better for what was to come: one towel was spread out on the floor in front of the sink, underneath him; it would keep the floor from getting dirty. One towel, he’d save for the end, to dry himself off with. He hung it over the towel drier to warm it up in the meantime. The rest, he’d use to get himself clean; really clean this time.

In no time, he shed his clothes and went to work washing himself. He even tried washing his hair, but it was such a tangled mess… and when some water went into his right ear, he gave up. He was clean enough for the time being.

He couldn’t be quick enough to get the warm towel and wrap himself up in it, inhaling the clean and warm smell, and something akin to a smile flitted over his lips as he allowed himself to close his eyes and relish the feeling, even if just for a moment.

He quickly pulled himself together though, listening closely to make sure he was still alone in the apartment before unlocking the door and rushing back to his room.

This clean, he finally dared to go over to the dresser the man had filled with the clothes the other day, pulling open a very specific drawer he hadn’t been able to forget. He still made sure to inspect his hands once more, just to verify that they were really clean, before he touched the neatly folded clothes inside.

He bit his lip as they touched the soft fabrics, and again he allowed himself to appreciate the feeling for a moment. He was after a specific piece, though, and soon began to look carefully through the folded clothes, until he spotted it: the black and white striped long-sleeved shirt. It felt as pretty as it looked, and he had already pulled it halfway out of the drawer when he halted his movements.

Maybe he shouldn’t go for the clothes he liked best right from the start. What if the man had some kind of evil intentions after all with the clothes and took them away from him again? And then it would be a shame if he took the ones he liked most…

He shook his head, finished pulling the shirt out of the drawer and set it aside neatly. He would find a place to hide it, just in case. But first, he had to find something else to wear… Just… what? He liked all the clothes, somehow!

Worriedly, he watched the sun outside, finding it was getting dangerously close to the horizon. He had to decide, and quickly! And so he did, rushing the choices of his underwear and stalling just a little before going for a pair of plain black sweatpants and a dark grey hoodie with red and blue letters on its chest. He hid the black and white striped shirt in the upholstery of the chair by the door, then rushed to clean up the bathroom.

It didn’t look as bad as the last time, and he had ended up not using all of the towels, putting the dry and clean ones back neatly and hanging up the others after using them to clean up what water had splattered out of place. It calmed him a bit to see the towels really didn’t show the dirt he was sure was on them now.

The only thing left to clean in the end were his dirty clothes… The thing was he didn’t even want to go near them. He didn’t want to touch them and risk getting dirty again, now that he was clean for once. He cringed, debating what to do, when he heard the key in the lock of the front door.

Without a second thought, he rushed out of the bathroom and ran back to his own room, the door falling shut behind him just as the front door opened.

For the first time, fear crept up in him, and he pressed himself into the far corner. His blanket lay next to him, and he picked it up to hide the clothes he was wearing with it, at least for now, for a little bit… But the blanket stank and he wrinkled his nose, putting it back down and shoving it a bit further away from himself. He might as well reveal what he had done now, there was no use hiding it… There wasn’t even a chance to hide it.

His heart beat somewhere up in his throat when the man eventually knocked on his door and came in after not hearing a reply.

“Hey, I’m ho-… Oh…!”

He watched as the man’s face seemed to light up and a happy smile played over his lips.

“You put on the new clothes. Do you like them?”

His heart was still beating frantically in his throat, so he just managed a small nod. It was enough for the man, though.

“I’m so glad you do. Do they fit well?”

Again, he nodded.

“Perfect! They look good on you, too! Ah, I’m happy you decided to try the new clothes; I hope you’ll like the others, too!”

The man smiled warmly, then left.

Slowly, his heart started beating at a normal pace again, and in its usual place. So far, nothing bad had come out of him wearing the new clothes.

He swallowed and a new little bit of dread settled in his stomach: he still didn’t know what would come his way for leaving his old clothes on the bathroom floor, though.

In the end, it really wasn’t anything he would have expected. A soft knock sounded on his door, and the man peeked only his head inside.

“Uhm, what do you want me to do with your other clothes? They are pretty torn, I don’t know if we can fix them up properly anymore… Do you still want to keep them?”

He had no answer for that, and the man hummed in thought.

“Hmm, I’ll wash them first; you can decide later.”

And with that, he disappeared again, only returning a good while later with dinner. He didn’t leave right away after setting it down on the chair, though.

“Did you make sure the bandage on your neck didn’t get wet when you washed yourself?” He asked as he leaned against the doorframe.

He shook his head no, but the man furrowed his brow.

“Are you sure? Because the last thing you need is a wet bandage covering the wound now. It would only rub the scabs off and possibly infect it again…”

He nodded.

“I know… It didn’t… get wet. I was careful.”

The man smiled warmly as he pushed himself off the doorframe, turning to leave.

“Good. I said it earlier, but I’m really glad you did this for yourself, accepting the clothes. You look more comfortable in them, too.”

Like always, he waited until the man had really left and could be heard at the other side of the apartment to approach the tray and start to eat, but he found himself wondering if it wasn’t becoming just a habit now. The man never made a movement that indicated he’d take the food away from him before he was done eating. He never threatened to do that, either. He seemed genuinely happy when he saw that he’d eaten.

Slowly, he was starting to doubt if it made a difference if he started eating while the man was still close by… Or even in the same room. He might not trust his intentions with the clothes yet, but he was starting to doubt he was going to try anything with the food.

On the other hand, even with the clothes… Could the man really pretend that wholeheartedly that he was glad he’d started wearing the clothes he had brought in? Why? The more he thought about it, the less it made sense that he would just pretend.

Of course the man could always be genuinely happy because it played into some kind of plan he’d made, but… At least he wasn’t feeling as uncomfortable as he had in his old clothes anymore. And he wasn’t hungry or thirsty, or cold or in pain.

Eating only enough to be comfortably full and leaving the rest on the plate, he went to sit into the far corner of the room, where his blanket lay. He only had to wait for the man to come pick up the empty tray now, then he could finally sleep…

He pulled his blanket close to wrap himself up in it and get ready to sleep soon, but wrinkled his nose as it landed in his lap. It smelled almost as bad as his clothes had. Unimpressed, he pushed it off to the floor again. It wasn’t that cold that he needed it, anyway. His new clothes were warm enough. And soft enough.

He just waited until the man came to pick up the tray again, almost asleep already when he did. He didn’t bother getting up, though, when the man came in. He didn’t have to, either, as the man only picked up the tray and directed a small smile at him, wished him a good night and left again. After that, it took no longer than a few heartbeats until he fell asleep for good.

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Hi, I just wanted to leave a quick note saying that from now on I might not be able to stick to the biweekly update schedule anymore. Updates might take a little to possibly way longer from now on, and I'm hoping that no one gets discouraged by that if I don't update for two months. I'm not saying that WILL happen, but it COULD happen, and it doesn't mean I gave up the story! *makes puppy eyes* Please be patient with me!