Chapter 16

Despite what Hongbin had thought, he got used to Taekwoon working from home easily. Apparently, when the man said he was going to be working, that was what he was going to do, and only that. He quickly found that Taekwoon rarely ever peeked out of his office during the times he had designated work hours. And sometimes, not just those.

To his chagrin, he also had to learn rather quickly that Taekwoon also tended to forget meal times while he was working. During the past week, Hongbin was sure they hadn’t had a meal at the same time two days in a row, including the weekend.

He grimaced when his stomach growled yet again while he finished wiping the bathroom mirror, peeking out afterwards to see if Taekwoon had left the office yet to make some food.

He hadn’t.

With a sigh, Hongbin returned to the bathroom, leaning against the tiled wall. There wasn’t a single chore left in here that he could do to pass the time until Taekwoon’s stomach would finally alert him that lunch time had come and gone already and he would finally start making them a late lunch. How it hadn’t yet was a mystery to him, since Taekwoon had skipped breakfast, too, except for a coffee, before starting to work. He must be starving by now!

Hongbin certainly was, having slept in and waking up too late for breakfast.

His stomach growled again, and he clutched at it. He really hated the feeling of being hungry. Really hated it! He’d gotten so used to not having to starve in the short time he’d stayed with Taekwoon so far, that the return of that gnawing feeling he’d gotten so well acquainted with over so many years really didn’t sit well with him.

He peeked out and around the corner from where he could see Taekwoon’s office again, but the man was still sitting there, in front of his laptop. Hongbin began to wish the stupid thing would break and release Taekwoon so he could make them lunch.

He watched Taekwoon work for a bit, as always with the big headphones covering his ears, which he suspected must make sure Taekwoon didn’t hear much while he wore them. At least he hadn’t heard how he’d dropped the basket with cutlery after taking it out of the dishwasher, nor when he’d sent the umbrella-holder clattering to the floor while sweeping last week, and he also remained none the wiser about the door that had fallen shut quite noisily that one time.

Hongbin sighed audibly, but Taekwoon didn’t so much as blink, confirming his suspicion.

His stomach growled in hunger yet again, and Hongbin was starting to get desperate. So far, he hadn’t dared getting himself something from the kitchen when he got hungry, but today he was tempted. Very tempted.

He debated nervously if he should dare for a while, always watching Taekwoon, who didn’t take notice of his presence at all. Eventually, when there continued to be absolutely no signs that Taekwoon would leave his office any time soon, he decided to risk it.

He made no noise whatsoever as he went to the kitchen and grabbed one of the packages of crackers out of the cabinet with the snacks, nor on his way back to his room. On his way there, he noticed Taekwoon still sitting in his office, as expected.

Dry crackers weren’t exactly the meal he’d been hoping for, but they were better than nothing, and in no time he’d munched the whole package. And he was still hungry, though not quite as bad.

Balling the empty package up in his hands, he snuck out of his room again to throw it into the trashcan in the kitchen, and still Taekwoon hadn’t moved, not even when he came back.

Hongbin frowned. Certainly Taekwoon must be hungry by now, there was no way he wasn’t! How was he still working despite of it?

He went back to his room eventually to lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling, keeping an ear out for when Taekwoon would leave the room. It was boring, but there were only so many chores to do every day to keep him occupied until he was left with nothing to do.

He’d gotten used to the chores quite quickly, too. They weren’t hard, nor too many, and he learned quickly. He enjoyed them, too, since most of them resulted in clean spaces afterwards, and he liked clean spaces. He liked the fresh scent of the cleaning products, and spotless surfaces even more. And maybe, just maybe, he liked the satisfied look in Taekwoon’s eyes when he found something that had been dirty to be clean suddenly.

He definitely still didn’t know if he liked the feeling he got when Taekwoon thanked him for cleaning something, or mentioned it if he’d done something particularly well. On one hand, it was a nice feeling, that flutter he got in his stomach when he did that, but on the other, it was unsettling. It was a minor detail, though, and he was sure he would find out where his feelings stood regarding that eventually. Either way, it didn’t beat the satisfaction of being surrounded by clean surfaces.

A noise from outside of his room caught his attention, his ears twitching as they caught it, and he focused on it immediately. It could have been the headphones being set down on the desk-

Taekwoon’s chair creaked, and Hongbin jumped up. He knew that noise by now, that chair only made that noise when Taekwoon turned around on it, facing the door. In no time he was by the door, slipping out into the hallway and peeking around the corner. A second later, the office door opened wider and Taekwoon stepped out. Hongbin dashed back to his room before he could even see which direction Taekwoon would take down the hallway. He closed his door noiselessly, following the sound of Taekwoon’s steps.

They were coming closer, and ended in the bathroom eventually.

Hongbin closed his eyes, leaning his head against the door while he wished fiercely that he would head to the kitchen afterwards to make some food. He shuddered in disgust, though, when his wishing was interrupted by the sound of the toilet flushing and water running in the sink. Still, he focused on the sounds reaching his ears, and when the footsteps turned down the hallway again he was quick to follow them to the corner of the hallway to see if Taekwoon was going to the kitchen.

He wasn’t, and Hongbin couldn’t keep in a sound that was a mix between a whimper and a groan, born out of pure despair, when Taekwoon turned into his office again instead.

His eyes widened in shock when he realized he’d made that noise out loud, and he quickly dove behind the corner, covering his mouth with both hands, hoping Taekwoon hadn’t heard him.

His hopes shattered almost instantly.

“Hongbin?” Taekwoon’s voice came, questioning, and Hongbin bit his lips, clenching his eyes shut for a second before carefully peeking out from behind the corner.

Taekwoon stood in the door to his office, looking down Hongbin’s end of the hallway.

“Oh, there you are. I thought I’d heard you! You alright?”

Hongbin tilted his head, slightly confused. Had he done anything to let Taekwoon think he wasn’t? His whimper-groan hadn’t been that loud and obvious; or had it?

“Have you eaten yet?”

Hongbin’s heart jumped, starting to race. Had Taekwoon heard something after all? Did he know?

Taekwoon sighed, though.

“Knowing you, you probably haven’t. You must be hungry, huh…”

Hongbin shrunk a little in himself. He might have eaten something, but he was still hungry after all… so, it wouldn’t be wrong if he answered he was, right? He nodded minutely, and Taekwoon hummed.

“Hmm… Sorry, I got distracted again… I’ll make something. You really should go and get yourself something to eat when you’re hungry, though. Or at least alert me so I can make something!”

Hongbin was sure he would definitely not do the latter, but he was tempted to take him up on the first offer again… Quietly, hopefully without being found out.

Still, he jubilated quietly when Taekwoon turned to go to the kitchen and finally make food.

*#*#*#*

Hongbin’s trips to the kitchen to sneak himself something to eat became more regular as the days passed and Taekwoon kept forgetting mealtimes. He was sure Taekwoon had found him out by now, since he had restocked the snacks he had taken out of the cabinet, but since he hadn’t said anything about it, Hongbin dared to hope that it was really ok for him to do that. At least, he became less worried about getting caught.

Instead, something else began to bother him.

Winter was quickly approaching, and it was getting colder. Even inside the house, and with the heating on at all times, Hongbin felt the cold. Especially at night.

At first, he decided to ignore it. He’d spent winters in the streets, without any place to call home and only old warehouses and construction sites to provide him with a little shelter from the rain and snow sometimes! The winter he’d spent in the shelter wasn’t much better, since there was no heating, either, and as soon as his battered clothes had managed to dry in the damp cages, it would be time for the weekly shower again and the cold returned. Compared to that, where he was now was pure luxury.

And still, he couldn’t help but wake up countless times at night because he felt cold, and no matter how many clothes he wore or how much he curled up and how tight he wrapped his blanket around himself, he couldn’t get comfortable.

He felt like the floor was getting harder each day, too, and that even though he should be able to deal with that better now, since he was gaining a little bit of weight so there was more covering his protruding bones than just mere skin.

None of it mattered, though. He still felt cold and uncomfortable laying on the floor at night, and sleep visited him for shorter periods of time each night, until all the sleep he got was a few hours in a near comatose state near dawn when exhaustion finally won over his uncomfortableness.

More than once he started catching himself as his eyes wandered to the new bed standing in his room, looking small and inoffensive in its corner, more inviting with every day that passed.

Once more, he shook those thoughts off, reminding himself that nothing good would come out of him accepting the bed and sleeping in it.

Still, his aching hip protested as he turned around to turn his back to the bed, and he couldn’t find a position for his arm, either. All he could do was lay flat on his back, but not for long before it became too cold and he curled up again on his side, despite his hip and arm protesting.

Annoyed, he ended up sitting up, blanket tightly wrapped around him, and glared at the bed that stood there, so tempting, as if taunting him from the other side of the room. Well, with how tired he was, the look he ended up giving the bed was more of a sleepy glance than an actual glare.

Why did it have to look so inviting, anyway? Couldn’t it at least look dirty and gross? Or hard and scratchy?

No, instead it looked so cozy, warm and soft, and when he inhaled deeply he could still smell the new and clean off it.

He shook his head to clear it.

Beds were not for him. Beds never came without a price; one he wasn’t willing to pay, regardless of how cold and uncomfortable the floor was.

Resolutely, he turned his back to the bed and curled up on the floor again, eventually falling asleep as the first light of dawn began to tint the horizon.

And still, the next night he was there again, glaring at the bed after many unsuccessful hours of trying to find sleep.

The bed wasn’t even that big, just about big enough to accommodate him, alone…

He shook his head violently, raking his nails down his arms to distract himself from the track his thoughts were taking.

Somewhere just before dawn the next night, he stood in the middle of his room, though, blanket discarded on the floor, trying to assess the size of the bed from where he stood. He came to no conclusion, though, and eventually stepped closer, until he was standing right next to it.

He'd been right, the bed would be just big enough for one person, no more. It would fit him almost as snugly as a glove…

Angry at himself, Hongbin stalked back to his corner and sat down with his back to the bed, glaring at the wall instead and cursing himself and the world in general.

It didn’t keep him from reaching out and running his fingers along the edge of the duvet as a thunderstorm threw hail incessantly at his window the next night, chilling the room down despite the heater. He’d given up on sleep altogether for the duration of the storm, he was just too cold, anyway, and the lightning and thunder weren’t his favourite, either.

He jumped when lightning struck and thunder clapped at the same time, his hand involuntarily balling in the fabric he was touching.

It was so soft, so warm… He was sure that he would have been able to sleep wrapped up in that duvet, despite the thunder.

Mentally, he scolded himself. There was no way he was going to take that nice duvet and throw it on the floor to sleep in it. No way!

His resolve faltered with the falling of the first snow.

For some reason, Taekwoon seemed to like the snow, standing in the living room and watching it fall through the large windows with a soft smile, a mug of steaming coffee in his hand, instead of already sitting in his office when Hongbin got up to sneak himself something for breakfast.

Hongbin could only scowl at it, though, since it had been the reason he hadn’t gotten a single wink of sleep that night.

His scowl remained, though slightly lessened, when Taekwoon made him breakfast as soon as he saw him, and included a mug of hot tea with it. Hongbin had since found out that he quite enjoyed tea, whereas coffee really wasn’t his thing.

After accepting Hongbin’s thanks, Taekwoon eventually disappeared into his office, leaving Hongbin alone to eat.

Hongbin’s mood didn’t get better throughout the day, though. He was tired and sure he wouldn’t be sleeping again that night, with how cold the floor had become since it had started snowing.

He was proven right when night came. He didn’t even bother laying down, instead just sitting with his back resting against his dresser, since the walls were cold, too.

His blanket did little against the cold, since he felt cold from within with how tired he felt. A couple of times, he nodded off, his eyelids too heavy to keep open, but the restless sleep he fell into never lasted for long before he woke up again, feeling even more tired than before.

Again, it was incredibly late when he lost the internal battle that kept him away from the bed and inched closer to it. Tonight, more than ever, it tempted him. Surely, it wouldn’t hurt to just try out if the mattress was really as soft as it looked… No one had to know, it was so late that even Taekwoon must have gone to sleep by now… He silenced the voice in the back of his head that insisted he shouldn’t go near the bed, since he doubted anything could be as good as he’d imagined it, and if it wasn’t at least the temptation would finally be gone.

He only planned on testing the softness of the mattress with his hands, finding out it wasn’t even that soft. Disappointed, he sat down on it, and the mattress did dip considerably underneath him.

He frowned, confused. It felt softer now that he was sitting on it than it had when he tried it with his hands. He debated for a while, but then decided to carefully lie down and test how that would feel.

He might as well have sunken into a cloud, he found. It felt too good to be true, and he didn’t feel like getting up any time soon. Maybe his limbs and hip would start aching anyway after a moment, like they did on the floor, he told himself. Maybe it just took a heartbeat longer until they did, and it would make no difference…

Nothing ached, though, and before he knew it, his eyes closed and exhaustion won over.

He didn’t know how long he’d slept, but a noise somewhere outside his room woke him up suddenly, and feeling the unfamiliar softness underneath him unsettled him.

Scrambling uncoordinatedly, he fell out of the bed with a heavy thud that resonated through his bones as well as the floor. His backside ached, and he whimpered as he hastily retreated to the other side of the room.

His heart raced, too fast and too loud in his own ears for him to be able to listen and hear if something moved outside of his room again. He could only hope Taekwoon hadn’t heard him and didn’t come checking on him, but an annoying rational voice in his head told him that there was no one else inside this apartment that could have made the noise that woke him up, and the man was most likely awake.

It did nothing to help Hongbin calm down, on the contrary. When he did eventually hear footsteps in the hallway, his heart almost stopped, jolting painfully before it started to race even faster and his breathing picked up, too. By the time the man knocked on his door, Hongbin felt close to fainting. The bed was very clearly rumpled, betraying what he’d done. If he didn’t answer, Taekwoon would open the door to check on him, see the bed and know everything… He couldn’t let that happen!

He felt sick as the room spun around him when he tried to take a deep enough breath to tell the man no, failing repeatedly to do so, and panicked even more because any moment now the man could open the door.

His vision started to darken, and he remembered the time he’d fainted in the living room and his breathing had stopped. If Taekwoon hadn’t been there then…

“Help!” He managed to rasp out, barely more than a choked noise, ignoring everything else as all he could think of was that he didn’t want to faint, not alone, not without Taekwoon there to make sure he woke up again eventually…

He saw the door fly open through the haze of darkness that was clouding his vision and Taekwoon burst inside, not even stopping to assess the room and coming to his side immediately since he must have heard him despite how weak his call had been.

“Hongbin!” he called out, and Hongbin made an effort to blink his eyes clear, though unsuccessfully.

Taekwoon dropped to his knees in front of him, and only then it dawned on Hongbin that he must have fallen to lie on the floor at some point.

“Oh , Hongbin…! Breathe, Hongbin, it’s ok… It’s ok, just breathe… You’ll be fine, you’re safe, no one will hurt you… Hongbin, try to focus on your breathing, come on! Take a deep breath, come on, deeper. You can do it…” Taekwoon kept talking, his voice a constant, even mumble, worried yet somehow calm, controlled, and Hongbin clung to the sound as his vision went dark for a moment. The sound stayed, he could still hear him, and he refused to let go of it.

He could feel Taekwoon push him onto his back, and suddenly breathing was easier. He gasped for air, again, and again, and his vision cleared a little. Taekwoon was still kneeling next to him, talking to him, encouraging him to take deeper breaths, and he did his best to comply, until the dark spots vanished from in front of his eyes and the room around him stopped spinning.

Then, though, he became all too aware of his disadvantageous position on the floor and tried to sit up. He moved too fast, though, and immediately, the dizziness came back and he threatened to fall back. He didn’t, thanks to Taekwoon’s hands on his shoulders, steadying him.

“Easy, Hongbin… Go slow. It’s ok, take it easy… Don’t forget to breathe.”

It felt silly, that Taekwoon had to remind him to breathe, but he was grateful for it. He took another shuddering breath, as deep as he could, and the room stopped spinning. Still, he swayed slightly, and Taekwoon kept one hand on his shoulder to steady him.

Hongbin cast his gaze down, away from Taekwoon. He didn’t trust his voice to thank him just yet for helping him, for being there when he needed his help… Even though he was the reason he needed help in the first place.

He closed his eyes, trying to block those thoughts. It was too confusing, all too confusing, and the problem was in no way solved yet, the bed was still there, the cover crumpled, and Taekwoon was right here…

“Hongbin, don’t think about it. Whatever it is, don’t. It’s not important right now. Just breathe and calm down, ok? Can you do that?”

Automatically, Hongbin nodded, focusing just on his breathing and Taekwoon’s voice. It didn’t take long before the thoughts came back, though, and his breathing hitched while his body swayed and he might have fallen again if it hadn’t been for Taekwoon’s steadying hand on his shoulder.

“It’s ok, Hongbin, it’s ok… You’re safe, nothing is going to happen to you…”

Hongbin swallowed, coughed, and tried to take deep breaths again. It worked for a moment, before he opened his eyes and his gaze fell on the bed behind Taekwoon again. He tensed so hard he startled Taekwoon into tightening his hold for a second as he threatened to fall again.

Taekwoon sighed quietly, following his gaze.

“This won’t do… Hongbin, focus on me. Just on me… Like that. Don’t forget to breathe, ok?”

Hongbin nodded, fixing his eyes on Taekwoon’s chest in front of him.

“Good. You’re doing well. Let’s try to get up, ok?”

Hongbin doubted he would be able to do that, but Taekwoon’s hands on his shoulders helped him, and before long he was standing, though most likely only because of Taekwoon’s willpower. All he could see when he opened his eyes was Taekwoon, too, and the latter made sure it stayed like that as he coaxed him into taking a couple of steps. He didn’t manage to go far, but it was enough. When Taekwoon helped him sit down again, they were in the brightly lit hallway, just out of Hongbin’s door. At first, the light hurt his eyes, but he got used to it quickly.

“Better?” Taekwoon asked, and Hongbin nodded in answer. Focusing on his body as he walked had helped him get a grip on himself. Now all he felt was tired, that same tiredness as before, coupled with the usual tiredness one felt after a rude awakening in the middle of the nicest sleep.

Taekwoon let out a small sigh of relief, his hold on Hongbin relaxing as he let him lean against the wall behind him for support.

“I’m glad… Do you want me to make you a cup of tea?”

Hongbin was too tired to debate the pros and cons of agreeing to that. All he was able to think of was how nice a hot cup of tea would be as he nodded.

Taekwoon stood up slowly, but didn’t leave immediately, making sure Hongbin would be ok being left alone for a bit.

Hongbin barely noticed that, still focusing on keeping his breathing even and not falling asleep in the middle of the hallway. He stayed staring blankly at the floor in front of him until Taekwoon returned and handed him the mug of tea, just to almost curl around it and its warmth once he held it in his hands.

His focus shifted from keeping his breathing calm to blowing gently at the hot tea until it was drinkable, and so he didn’t notice Taekwoon disappearing into his room and coming out with his blanket in hand, until he draped it around his shoulders. His eyes flitted up shortly, not quite meeting Taekwoon’s in a silent thank you.

After that, he stayed aware of Taekwoon’s presence, sitting close to him but not too close as he started sipping on his tea. It should bother him, he thought, but it didn’t. He was glad, even, that Taekwoon was close now, since he didn’t trust himself not to panic again. Taekwoon’s presence, even though it was the threat that could potentially make him panic again, was at the same time his anchor that kept him calm, reassuring him that even if he did panic, he would be there to ground him.

Taekwoon’s reassuring yet quiet presence, the soothing properties and warmth of the tea and his bone-deep tiredness were what eventually helped him relax.

He didn’t realize he’d relaxed so much to the point where he started crying until Taekwoon gently took the almost empty mug out of his badly shaking hands, which he then balled into fists to will them to stop shaking.

“Hongbin… Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

Hongbin couldn’t answer that question, confused about his own crying and too busy trying to stop it.

“Don’t fight it… Just let it out, it’s ok.”

Taekwoon’s words instantly made him cry harder. His silent tears turned into sobs, and he hid his face in his arms, pulling his knees up to his chest. He couldn’t really tell why he was crying, it annoyed him, but he couldn’t help it. So he just cried, until he was too tired to cry more. When he looked up, Taekwoon was handing him a tissue, which he gladly took to clean his face.

“I’m sorry…” He apologized, feeling something like embarrassment over his behavior in front of Taekwoon.

Taekwoon shook his head, though.

“It’s ok… Do you feel better now?”

Strangely enough, he did, and so he nodded.

“Do you want the rest of your tea?”

Taekwoon was already holding out the mug to him, and he took it gratefully, whispering a quiet ‘thank you’.

Taekwoon just stayed silent as Hongbin emptied the mug, clutching it in his hands even after he was done.

“I’m so tired…” He whispered eventually, not even aware that he’d said it loud enough for Taekwoon to hear.

Taekwoon gave him a sympathetic look.

“You haven’t slept much these past days, have you?”

Hongbin shook his head slowly, and a single, stray tear rolled down his cheek. He wiped at it absentmindedly, and Taekwoon couldn’t help but think how small he looked like this.

“I thought so… Why, though?”

Hongbin pressed his lips closed so as not to blurt the answer, which he thought Taekwoon could easily see as a criticism, even though it wasn’t, and he didn’t want that to happen. For one, he didn’t know how Taekwoon would react to criticism, in any form, and he wasn’t keen to find out. And also, he didn’t want to criticize Taekwoon, when he’d done everything to make him as comfortable as possible.

The solution to his problem was as easy as it was impossible, and it frustrated him enough that more tears rolled down his cheeks again. This time, it wasn’t him who wiped them away, though, but to both their surprise, Taekwoon.

Hongbin couldn’t help but let his eyes fall closed and lean into the light touch, momentarily forgetting everything else under it.

Taekwoon held his breath as Hongbin allowed the contact, wiping at the tears gently. He’d reached out on impulse, not thinking it through, and was positively surprised that Hongbin was even leaning into his touch. He was well aware that the boy was tired beyond reason, though, and wasn’t about to take advantage of that. After only a short while, he retracted his hand again, and Hongbin’s eyes fluttered open, avoiding looking at him like always.

“Do you want to go back and sleep?” Taekwoon asked carefully, watching Hongbin’s reaction closely.

Hongbin’s shoulders slumped, before he shrugged lightly.

“Can’t…” He whispered, and Taekwoon frowned.

“Nightmares?”

Hongbin shook his head.

“Not… not really...”

Taekwoon hummed, but stayed otherwise quiet, waiting if Hongbin would tell him something of his own volition. He seemed to want to, but struggled with the words. Eventually, he gave up with a small sigh.

“Is it something I can help with?”

Hongbin shook his head quickly, and it was Taekwoon’s shoulders’ turn to slump slightly.

“Ok… Are you ok to go back to your room now, though?”

Hongbin tensed, and Taekwoon deduced he wasn’t. On the other hand, he himself was getting really tired, too, having worked unexpectedly long today, and could really use some sleep. He wasn’t going to get that as long as he couldn’t be sure Hongbin would be ok on his own though.

“Whatever it was that scared you earlier… Is it still there?”

Hongbin didn’t know how to answer, shaking his head, then nodding, then sighing and looking away.

“Can you tell me what it is?”

Hongbin shook his head decidedly, then froze and looked close to tears again, until Taekwoon sighed audibly.

“Hongbin… You’re scared I’ll find out about something, isn’t it?”

Hongbin looked really close to panicking, but Taekwoon carried on.

“Is it the bed? Because it’s all rumpled and creasy?”

Hongbin froze, holding his breath, before releasing it quickly as he jumped into apologies.

“I’m s-sorry, I won’t do it again! I just- just wanted to test if it was really that soft and then fell asleep, but it won’t happen again! I promise, I swear, I won’t! I won’t go near it, I’ll just sleep on the floor and-”

“Hey, hey, Hongbin! Stop, it’s ok! Hey…” Taekwoon interrupted him once he’d recovered from the momentary shock of hearing him apologize like that. Hongbin shut up immediately, but there was fear in his eyes as he stared at Taekwoon’s chest to avoid his eyes.

“Hongbin, you are allowed to used that bed. It is yours, and yours alone. It’s cold these days, and the floor must be cold, too. Not to mention that it’s hard and uncomfortable, unlike a bed. You should sleep in the bed to get the rest you need...”

Hongbin averted his gaze, choking on the words as he muttered once more that he didn’t need a bed.

Taekwoon shook his head at that nonsense and decided to opt for a different approach to the topic this time, well aware that it might possibly make Hongbin panic again, considering what he knew from Minhyuk. Still, he tried it.

“Why are you so adamant about that? It’s not like the bed will hurt you.”

Hongbin looked as if he’d been slapped, but hid that look quickly. Taekwoon almost regretted his choice of words, until Hongbin spoke.

“It will… Not the bed, but…” He broke off, eyes glazing over, and Taekwoon forced himself not to regret his words for real.

“Hongbin, look at me.”

Hongbin forced himself to turn his head and look at Taekwoon, fixing his eyes on his Adam’s-apple.

“Don’t go there. Focus on your breathing.”

Hongbin shook his head, trying to follow Taekwoon’s order and focus on getting his breathing, which was speeding up again, under control once more.

Only when he’d managed that did Taekwoon speak again.

“Hongbin, your bed is yours and yours alone. You decide if you sleep in it or not, and you also decide who else gets to get into that bed, or even just close to it. I promise you, I won’t ever bother you there should you decide to use it, nor will I let anyone else come close to it without you allowing it. It is safe for you to use it.”

Hongbin’s eyes widened as Taekwoon talked, but he eventually averted his gaze, wrapping his arms around himself tightly. Taekwoon could tell he didn’t believe him. With a sigh, he got up and walked towards a small side board with a drawer underneath it. He found what he was looking for in there without having to search, and returned to Hongbin’s side.

He sighed again, turning the small object in his hand before he spoke.

“Hongbin… We should make a deal.”

Hongbin’s eyes widened again, his whole posture tensing up slowly.

“A… a deal?”

Taekwoon hummed, taking a little while longer to sort his thoughts before he spoke again.

“I know you still don’t trust me, and that’s ok... But can I trust you?”

Hongbin gave him a puzzled look, chewing on his lip slightly.

“With what?” He asked eventually, cautiously. Taekwoon kept fiddling with the small object in his hands that Hongbin couldn’t identify from where he was sitting.

“I want you to a have a safe space; somewhere where you can relax, knowing that no one can come and bother you. Where everything is yours and you can do whatever you want with it, without having to fear repercussions. Your room should be one such space, but it isn’t quite yet, am I right? That means, we need to make it safer. But there is only one thing that I can do to help, and I can’t do it without a promise from you.”

Hongbin didn’t react outwardly for a while, but Taekwoon could tell his thoughts were racing.

“W-what promise?” The hybrid eventually asked, slightly breathless, quiet, and shrinking in on himself as he asked.

Taekwoon finally stopped playing with the object in his hands, lifting it for Hongbin to see.

“This is the key to your room. I want you to have it, so you can lock the door so no one can come in. I’m hoping it will make you feel safer, when you want to sleep, or when you’re scared…”

Hongbin’s eyes were fixed on the key as Taekwoon spoke, and for a second he looked like he wanted to snatch it and make a run for it, but he didn’t move a hair. Eventually, he averted his gaze, visibly struggling with himself to do so.

“What do I have to do to get the key?” He whispered after a moment, dejected yet at the same time hopeful, while his voice trembled with barely concealed dread.

Taekwoon’s heart clenched painfully, since it was obvious Hongbin expected the worst.

“Promise me you won’t lock yourself in the whole time, and that you will still come out of your room to do your chores, to eat, and sometimes to talk to me.”

Hongbin had held his breath, but now he exhaled it slowly, the look in his eyes becoming confused at first, then suspicious.

“Just that?”

Taekwoon tilted his head, unsure what Hongbin meant.

“What do you mean?”

“That’s all I need to do?”

Taekwoon nodded.

“Yes. All I need is your promise, and for you to mean it.”

Hongbin thought about it for a moment.

“How will you… How will you make sure I mean it?”

Taekwoon sighed sadly, the fear and suspicion in Hongbin’s voice saddening him.

“I’ll trust you, Hongbin. I’ll trust you, and hope you deserve that trust.”

Hongbin stared at him, brow creasing as his thoughts raced. He couldn’t believe it, it didn’t make sense in his mind to just trust someone, someone’s words. He didn’t understand why Taekwoon would just trust him that he meant it when he made the promise that was everything that stood between him and the key.

He could just say the words Taekwoon wanted to hear, grab the key and lock himself in forever. Well, or at least until Taekwoon was asleep or out, to go get food and do the basic things he needed. Once he had the key, he would be safe, even if he didn’t keep the promise. Promises were just words, after all, and sooner or later everyone always broke them, anyway.

Taekwoon sat in front of him motionless, key still in hand out of his reach, waiting patiently for an answer. Hongbin didn’t give him the promise right away, though, thinking his options through. In the end, he decided Taekwoon’s offer was the best he could get, if the key didn’t work he wouldn’t have lost anything since he already came out of his room to do his chores and eat anyway.

“I… I promise not to lock myself in all the time…” He eventually stated, quiet but loud enough to be heard.

Taekwoon nodded, stretching out his hand with the key, and Hongbin took it carefully, avoiding touching the skin of Taekwoon’s fingers as he did so, and hid it in his palm quickly. Taekwoon gave him a small smile, and Hongbin looked away shyly.

“I hope it will help make you feel safe enough to sleep comfortably, eventually. It is the only key to your room, so make sure you keep it safe and don’t lose it.”

Hongbin didn’t answer verbally, but nodded earnestly as he held on to the key so tightly it dug into the flesh of his palm.

“Are you ok enough to go back in?” Taekwoon asked a moment later, barely able to stifle a yawn as he indicated Hongbin’s room.

Hongbin jerked slightly, nodding, and Taekwoon looked relieved.

“Alright… If you don’t mind, I’ll go to sleep now… It’s been a long day.”

Hongbin nodded again, and Taekwoon lingered only for a moment longer.

“Good night, Hongbin.” He turned around, and shortly after, Hongbin could hear his bedroom door close.

He got up not long after, shuffling silently into his room again and closing the door behind him quietly. Carefully, he opened his hand that he had clasped around the key, staring at the small silvery object. He turned it in the dim light, inspecting it closely, but couldn’t find any faults.

Making as little noise as possible, he inserted the key in the lock in the door, turning it around. He could hear the clicks of the lock, and then the louder clack that indicated the bolt had moved. A breath he hadn’t noticed he’d held in escaped him, and he relaxed considerably. Still, he tried the handle, making sure the door was really locked, and to his further relief, the door didn’t budge. He was safe.

Relieved, he sank to the floor in front of it, leaning his back against the wood.

His eyes fell to the key in his hands, and he still couldn’t really believe it. He was safe in this room. No one could come in to hurt him; no one. Not while he slept, and not if he needed to hide.

His hand closed around the key again, holding it tightly. He would keep it safe, Taekwoon didn’t need to worry about him losing it. It was his most valuable possession now, and he would protect it with everything he had.

He listened intently if Taekwoon would decide to come out of his room again, but he didn’t. The apartment was completely silent, and the longer he listened to the silence, the more tired he became. He ended up getting up and trudging to his usual corner, half carrying, half dragging his blanket behind him. Surely it was late enough now for him to be able to fall asleep despite the cold and the uncomfortable floor… or so he thought.

As soon as he laid down, all the more protruding parts of his body started aching again. There wasn’t a single position he could lay in without his bones giving him pain.

He was past the point of thinking too much for too long, though. He was safe, he repeated to himself; he could lay on the bed.

It didn’t take him long to convince himself before he dragged himself over to the bed. It almost felt softer than it had earlier as he laid down, and before he’d finished draping his blanket over himself, he was already fast asleep.

For the first time in days, he slept undisturbed, deep and soundly. Nothing ached, he wasn’t cold, and none of the noises that picked up with the beginning of the day was able to wake him up. He slept through the whole morning, and when he eventually did wake up, it was the smell of food that woke him.

He blinked his eyes open slowly, his brain still too slow to process much, and unable to jolt his body into action when he eventually realized he was laying in the bed. Before he could panic, he remembered the events of the night before, though, and relaxed before his body had the chance to tense up completely.

All that changed, though, when he remembered the promise he’d made and realized the smell of food that was reaching him couldn’t possibly be breakfast, with how high the sun already was behind the grey clouds; it must be lunch time already, and he hadn’t left the room once!

Taekwoon must think he was already breaking his promise, he concluded, and he couldn’t help but fear the consequences, even though Taekwoon didn’t specifically mention what would happen if he broke the promise.

He was out of the bed in no time, and out of his door, too. He didn’t try to be quiet as he ran down the hallway to skid to a halt in the door to the kitchen, finding Taekwoon there, cooking.

He was sure Taekwoon must have heard him from how loud his heart was beating alone, but he didn’t. He didn’t seem to notice his presence at all, and after a moment, Hongbin forced himself to clear his throat to catch his attention.

Now that worked, and Taekwoon looked up from where he was stirring something in a pot.

“Oh, good morning, Hongbin.” He greeted the hybrid, but he barely heard him before he launched into his apology.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lock myself in for so long! I really didn’t, I didn’t know it was so late, I was sleeping and-…”

Taekwoon turned to give him a confused look, before his expression softened and Hongbin broke off mid-sentence, unsure what to think of it.

“It’s ok, Hongbin. You were tired. I’m glad you slept in, you look way better rested than you have all week.”

Hongbin was taken aback a little, stuttering.

“A-ah, you’re-… you’re n-not mad? But I… I promised…”

Taekwoon shook his head, turning back to the stove.

“Of course not. You said you were sleeping. That’s why I gave you the key, so you can sleep in peace. Why would I be mad?”

Hongbin’s entire posture relaxed, and he leaned a little against the doorframe.

“Oh…”

Taekwoon didn’t look up from his pots.

“Lunch will be done soon, but there’s still enough time for you to wash up if you want to.”

Hongbin nodded quietly, retreating down the hallway to the bathroom. That was another room he could lock himself in if he wanted to, but he didn’t. Water was still a delicate subject, and he’d rather know the door unlocked so Taekwoon could come in to help if something happened, than locked to keep him from coming in to hurt him; especially since he had needed his help often enough before, and he had yet to randomly come up to him with ill intentions.

He stood staring at his own reflection in the mirror over the sink for a while before realizing what he was doing. He looked different than when he’d first arrived here. His hair was still a mess, but a different kind of mess. It wasn’t a dirty mess anymore… As he ran his fingers through the strands, he cringed, though. It was getting dirty again, after all. Not quite as dirty as before, but still. He wondered if Taekwoon would help him wash it again…

He gritted his teeth at the thought. As much as he’d liked the feeling of Taekwoon’s hand in his hair… he still couldn’t help but remember the scar he’d left on Taekwoon’s hand in turn the last time he’d helped him every time he thought about it.

Clearly, he did need help washing his hair, though, since his own efforts to keep it clean turned out rather futile, if the mop on his head was anything to go by. But, would Taekwoon dare help him again? After what he’d done? He flinched, since he was well aware he would only deserve it if Taekwoon refused and told him to take care of his hair by himself.

Sighing, he went to retrieve his towel from the drying rack, wetting one corner under the faucet to start washing up before Taekwoon called for lunch. He wouldn’t know if he didn’t ask, and he didn’t want to ask but he kind of had to.

He just couldn’t escape the stress that kind of decision insisted on putting him under.

----

A/N: Hello, I'm back! The promised two month hiatus isn't quite up yet, but since it was my birthday two days ago, and almost all my favourite fics updated that day or the day before or after, I thought I should give back, since I did manage to finish this between my busy schedules. Unfortunately, I can't say when the next update will be done, because my schedule doesn't show any signs that it will clear any time soon, but I'll do my best to not let it take too long.

In the meantime, I've been uploading three other fics that I had/have chapters already written for that you might like:

A Tale of Magic: Child of Light - is the first story in a series that I have enough planned for to make it 11 books (not kidding, it is really going to be that long eventually). It's a story about a magic world reigned by sorcerers that exploit other magic creatures to extinction. Hakyeon is a sorcerer, but not the usual kind. Our other 5 favourites... are not lucky enough to be sorcerers. It's going to be OT6-ish since Hakyeon loves everyone, but with most focus on neo, kenvi and hyukbin eventually. 

Our Fathers' Plans - a Neo story in which their father's arrange their marriage, but with the plot twist that Hakyeon is forced to pretend he's a woman by his lunatic father and Taekwoon and his family can't find out. 

Wrapped Around His Fingers - A Jaehwan-centric a/b/o that revolves around the time pre-debut and how the group eventually came to be (and how Jaehwan managed to wrap everyone around his fingers and his legs around their waists. It's ty, obvs). This story already has a sequel planned out, too.

Phew, that's a lot to write and keep updated... Not that I'm complaining, I love my stories - I wouldn't be writing them if I didn't. If you'd like to support any of my stories upvotes, subscriptions, comments and spreading the word are very highly appreciated (That makes my day, honestly), and if you feel inclined to leave a more substantial support, too, you can do so at my kofi (that helps me survive, actually). Thank you so much for reading, <3