He’s always there for me, and one has to wonder why.

 

I couldn’t discuss all the reasons why I don’t deserve Mark Tuan. He’s a ray of sunshine though he is quiet, always positive and he radiates life, my complete opposite so to say. While he’s all that, I’m this selectively social person who es about every little thing I don’t approve of. I’m just quiet cause I think I don’t have any idea what to say anyway.

 

Don’t get me started on my appearance. I don’t consider myself pretty or anything close to it though my friends always tend to remind me of it. I feel like they’re lying to me all the time when they say those things. I am satisfied with how I look and I don’t think I’ll even try changing my look and my style. Hell, I have no sense of style and just wear whatever I want even to business meetings. I don’t look anything extraordinary. I probably look “unconventional” as mark would put it. He, too, tells me I’m beautiful. I think it’s a load of bull. I think Mark deserves more.

 

I’m kind. I’m such a nice, forgiving person, too. These are things no one would ever hear me saying about myself ever. I was never a good daughter although my parents are proud of my achievements in my studies and work. I always gave my parents heartaches and I don’t think showing them a good report card makes up for it.

 

To my siblings, though they say I am the most supportive sister, I think I’m this stranger who’s always absent from their lives. I support them from everything they want to do and say, because really, I’ve no right to say anything to contradict their wishes. To my friends, I am this sarcastic little who doesn’t want to hang out and would rather do other things. I see them only when I feel like it, they know that and they never asked me to change. Of course I am there when they need me, but if I don’t find it necessary to meet, I just don’t see them.

 

To me, I’m this short-fused person with a foul temper more often than not. I am cold and I am too straightforward that I think I am rude. Throw in control freak and choleric. I have such a dark and negative perception of the world I move in that I tend to infect others with my cynicism and pessimism. I am a generally selfish person, I think, and I don’t trust anyone fully outside my sphere.

 

Why does he like me at all?

 

I asked this question to Emi and she said, “Because you’re intelligent, independent, pretty, witty, a very nice friend and person in general.” I don’t get it.

 

I don’t hate myself. I actually like me like this, probably the reason why I don’t do any effort to change who I am, but I’m very unforgiving to myself, which makes me think I don’t deserve such a good thing like Mark Tuan.

 

Mark is every woman’s dream. I mean, there are better-looking, more capable guys than him, but it’s not every day that you come across such a sensitive soul. He cares a lot about the people around him though he looks like this cold person who doesn’t give a damn about the world, but really, once I got to know him, I’ve realized that he made everyone he cared about his business and made sure they are well taken care of.

 

Just like he made me his business and takes care of me. I’ve never quite met anyone outside my family and small sphere of friends who would go out of his way just to do things for me, fitting me into his busy schedule, even coming straight to my flat from an overseas activity and replacing my wilted flowers for me.

 

He was also a very good son and brother. I knew from his stories. He doesn’t think he is a good son either, but the way he speaks and thinks of his parents made me want to be a better daughter to my parents. He worships the ground they step on and basically tried his best to make them proud. He’s just very filial and beyond that. He never goes against his parents’ wishes though they don’t really tell him what to do. 

 

He’s also a good brother because he makes himself very much present in the lives of his siblings even if it’s just on social media. Hell, my siblings and I are close, but we don’t follow each other on social media. Sure, we call each other once in a while, but not to the extent that Mark involves himself in their lives. They probably speak every single day on the phone, all of them. And they love him just as much, enough to fly out to Korea just to see him.

 

It’s not too different where I am concerned. That guy acquainted himself to everything that’s me, took his time to learn just who and what I am without judging me for it. He’s probably the only person who gives me my space when I want it without resenting me for ignoring him when I just didn’t feel like talking.

 

“Are you okay to talk?” is always his question whenever he wants to spend time with me, and would take whatever I answer I have for him, no matter how harsh.

 

We fight, too, but unlike other people I know, he would stay with me and sit there quietly until I am ready to resolve our differences. He never leaves without making up with me. Never. He never walked out on me on my worst tantrums, not even when I couldn’t make sense of anything he was saying because I was not listening to his stories which he would enthusiastically tell. He’s patiently say things to me again and attribute my short attention span to how I had so many things to think about because of business.

 

Really, he just says things to make me feel better about myself. When I would share secrets I have never told my closest friends about me or my family, he would always have something good to say and would make things up just to make me look less bad. He tries to understand with a positive outlook, even the most outrageous things I have done in the past.

 

I could be the worst person in the world and he would try to make things look much better than what they really are.

 

He tried to be as involved in my life as he could be without invading my personal space and crossing the line like my family would. Of course, my family is always there for me and I appreciate that from the bottom of my hypothalamus, but sometimes, they cross lines that would definitely set off landmines.

 

He learned my schedule and only calls me at the most convenient time and steers clear of my way when he knows I am busy. When I am not working, he makes sure I rest and not venture to doing something work-related.

 

Heck, he even acquainted himself with my biological cycles. Sleep habits, my allergies, my temper, my health condition, my cognitive process, my emotional erraticism, yes, my menstrual cycle. He knows everything so well that I don’t even have to say anything for him to know how I feel. He knows just what to say and do.

 

Just like now.

 

‘Seulgi said you’re home.’

 

He called out of the blue again, and for some reason I think he has this radar which goes off whenever I’m feeling down. Well, I am. After that episode with Wonwoo, I couldn’t think straight. Damn it, worrying about him alone and our status as of the moment did not make me illegible for Mark’s attention and constant doting.

 

“Yeah. I let her take over today.” I wouldn’t discuss the matter with him at all.

 

‘What’s up? No conference?’

 

“That and I hate being female.”

 

‘Naww. You want ice cream?’

 

Sometimes, I wish he wasn’t this good. It makes me remember all those times I have treated him bad and makes me feel guilty. Really, where do you find a guy who doesn’t complain about female biological cycles? Even Sehun made sure he was a good ten feet away from me when it’s that time of the month just in case I suddenly decide to bite his head off. Mark called me a jerk for sassing him when I was being menstrual, but he never complained about it at all. He’s like, “God, are you on your period?” and when I asked him how he knew, he said, I’m just like his sister on her period.

 

Instead of fighting me like any other guy would, he asks me if I want ice cream. That’s what every woman wants to hear on their period, not being told about how she turns into a seven-headed monster when she’s ing out.

 

“Sondubu jjigae,” I told him, feeling better already just thinking of my favorite Korean dish. “I want some now.”

 

‘Alright. Wait for me.’

 

He came half an hour later with my soup and I swear I couldn’t have been happier in all those years since I’ve gotten my period. He went straight to the kitchen after saying hi and giving me a kiss to the forehead and a pat on the shoulder. He told me to sit down while he reheats the dish and even went through the motions of getting me a blanket and a hot pack.

 

Mark finally placed the food in front of me and turned the television on while saying, “Be careful, it’s hot.”

 

He watched me eat from the other end of the couch, my feet on his lap. He rubbed my feet, making them warmer before taking out something from his jacket pocket. It was a new pair of socks, yellow and brown stripes with a bear printed on the toe part.

 

I laughed out loud when he put them on my feet, smiling like a kid who just got a birthday present. “Oh my god, Tuan, I hate you!” He found out my for cute socks. This is unbelievable!

 

“You do?”

 

“No, I meant…” I just chuckled. “You know what I mean.” I raised my feet a little. “These are cute.”

 

Out of the blue he asked me a question I would have never thought would come from him. “What do you hate about me?” he said.

 

I arched a brow at him. “Why are you asking?”

 

“Nothing. I just want to know.”

 

“Okay.” I set the empty bowl on the table. “I don’t like your hair.” I ed about it when he dyed it blond on the opening day of their concert. “And I think you got a tattoo without thinking about it.” I couldn’t stop laughing when he said he got a cross tattoo on his leg and showed me. I honestly thought it was idiotic.

 

“But…” I couldn’t think of anything. I don’t hate anything about him. Nothing.

 

“But what?” he prompted, watching me intently.

 

“But they’re not such big parts of who you are and they are not enough grounds for me to have anything to hate hate about,” I told him, cause really, I can’t think of anything.

 

I can never hate him if it saves my life. As good as he treats me and other people around him, he deserves no hate at all. If anything, I love everything about him. He deserves it. “And how can I hate you when you bought me my favorite?” I giggled at that. “You don’t have to worry about people hating you, least of all me.”

 

“Thank you,” he said quietly, smiling at me through the loose fringe that covered his eyes.

 

“I still hate your hair.”

 

He laughed at that and moved closer to me, cradling my leg on his lap and covering it with the blanket. “Do you feel better now?”

 

I nodded. “I wasn’t really feeling bad or anything. I just can’t move much cause I feel like Niagara down there.”

 

“I’m glad you feel okay.” He snickered. “You won’t bleed to death though, right?”

 

I smacked him on the arm. “What the , dude? Didn’t you learn about this in high school?”

 

He narrowed his eyes at me. “I don’t like dwelling on the particulars.”

 

“You’re an idiot, do you know that?” I shook my head at him, focusing on the TV.

 

“No. You’re just too smart, and hey not all idiots get to cuddle with you.” He leaned down so he was resting on my shoulder. I placed an arm over his shoulder. “I don’t deserve you.”

 

He shook his head. “No, you don’t, but I’m here anyway so deal with it,” he joked.

 

I shrugged. E