June 19. The day GOT7 will be having their concert in Guangzhou, the same one I got invited to, but declined rather rudely. Most importantly, it is the day I will be turning twenty five, a quarter of a century, two and a half decades, and I feel overly frustrated of myself. The same reason I declined the offer. I want to wallow in misery.

 

My biggest insecurity is that I don’t think I’ve got my life together at this point in time. My life is one messy thing to deal with, and so, I’ve decided there won’t be a big celebration like the past years since I turned eighteen. It’s always been a big event, but not this time.

 

The night before, I’ve decided that I won’t be wired for the whole day, but it wasn’t successful. My no-phone, no-internet day was a big failure. I didn’t want to see greetings and well-wishes. I’ve got issues with my age and I felt depressed about it, not because I’m a year older, but because I think I haven’t gotten anywhere. I planned for the day to just be another day, extra ordinary, nothing special, but the world won’t let me have it.

 

Before I was supposed to turn my modem off, I received a message from Sehun at exactly midnight. We used to countdown to midnight on our birthdays and those two anniversaries we’ve had. I think he hasn’t changed his routine regarding said matters, and I don’t really know why the hell he still does it, but I’ll let him have his time of the day. I did the same for his birthday last April anyway.

 

His greeting was really nice. He wished me a great birthday and talked about how he wishes me all the best things in life because, according to him, I deserved it.

 

‘I miss you, but I know we can’t be together like before,’ he wrote. ‘I am happy because you are a part of my life and I think that’s good enough.’

 

However, he had to add other unnecessary things like, ‘I still love you.’ I took it good-naturedly since we parted in amicable terms anyway, and I thanked him for remembering my birthday despite the fact that we’re no longer together. Still, did he really have to say he still loves me? It’s absurd.

 

Oh Sehun. Where do I start? He’s a good guy, one of the best ones I’ve ever known, and my opinion about him hasn’t changed. As a person, he’s this happy kid who finds joy in the simplest things. He was a brat, especially as a son, but filial just the same, even to my mother. He extended that familial love to my father who disliked him on so many levels, not that it mattered what my father had to say about anything that involved me.

 

As a boyfriend, he’s all about affection and sweetness and effort. He did everything to keep me happy, or what he thought would make me happy. I’ve always appreciated that, but Sehun never learned to handle the person that I am. Not once did he impose on what he wanted about our relationship. I am domineering and he is docile. It looked like that, but really, I was just waiting for him to lead me.

 

Oh Sehun is the same person I disillusioned about relationships when all he wanted was to be happy with me. I’m his first girlfriend and it wasn’t good because I ruined his idealistic side and I broke him so many times, mainly because we didn’t see eye-to-eye. We had different understandings of things and where he’s positive, I’m negative, but we lasted for as long as we did because he loved me so much, smothered me with it, and I learned to love him, too, when I was thinking that our state would be temporary.

 

Despite all that, we endured until the time came when he snapped and dumped me over the phone, kicked me out of our apartment only to come running back, wishing to patch things up. We did get back together for a few weeks, but nothing’s quite the same. Everything felt out of place. I especially felt out of place being around him, so we ended things officially.

 

It’s a strange circumstance. I’d usually get jealous whenever he worked with female talents. It’s irrational cause I know it’s his job and I entered a relationship knowing the repercussions, but still, I got jealous, but I always pretended that I’m not and didn’t make a big deal out of it. Days would come when I’d burst and it would come out of my mouth much to his delight. I was never affectionate to begin with and I guess he reveled in the fact that I actually loved him enough to get jealous.

 

But, I remembered getting up in the morning and realizing that I don’t feel anything for him. I was browsing through Twitter and I saw this photo of him and Irene of Red Velvet, one of his label mates, from a magazine shoot. I just stared at the photo for a good moment, waiting for that familiar feeling of jealousy and annoyance to rise like bile up my throat, but nothing. Nothing! I felt nothing.

 

I remembered setting my phone down and getting out of bed, feeling confused myself. Why? Because it wasn’t anything like I felt I was not feeling jealous because I matured enough to realize that it brings nothing good. Hell, no. I think I’m still childish as , but it was the kind of feeling that was blank with a goddamn question mark over it and you just don’t know what to do with it.

 

I took that as a sign that I fell out of love for him. I still love him as a person, one of the people I cherish, and I think that wouldn’t change, but the thing is, I’m not in love with him anymore, and I was already moving on from the idea of it at that point. I just needed a trigger to realize that.

 

Before the year was up, we were done.

 

I woke up on the morning of my birthday to the sound of my phone ringing along with loud knocking on my door and my doorbell being abused. I could also hear some wild screaming from the same direction. When I opened the door, I found my female friends outside the door, six of them, holding groceries.

 

“Happy birthday!” they all shouted, making my ears ring, before declaring that they will be cooking breakfast for me. I can’t say no, besides, four of them – Hwayoung, Yubin, Huijin and Jongyeon – were older than me and they’d box my ears if I refused. Mei and Yeonhwa were both younger than me and I was sure they were forced into this, too, but I appreciate the fact that they find joy in doing things for me on my supposed special day.

 

They are close friends, but not the type I would tell my worries to. Mei is an exception I guess, but I’ve shocked the girl too much since we became acquainted that I thought it would be better if I just laid off on giving her mini seizures. They’re the type of friends I would grab lunch with, go shopping with and attend weddings and all those family-oriented activities with, drinking included, but they’re not on the same level with Jungkook or Mark. It’s not that they won’t listen. It’s just that they have worries of their own. I don’t want to add to that.

 

And they are too dramatic with so many issues about themselves. I can use a little less drama.

 

We had waffles and then they left me after helping clean up. At lunch, Seulgi picked me up because she, along my staff of fourteen, organized a luncheon for me. I have such nice employees. Instead of me treating them for lunch, they did so instead. It was fun.

 

And then the onslaught of greetings came when we came back to the office. The part-time receptionist had been moving a plethora of things from the front desk to the lounge, ranging from baskets of flowers or edible arrangements, shopping bag after shopping bag, envelopes of different sizes, all of which says Happy Birthday outside, bouquets and wreaths, several boxes of cakes and other gift boxes.

 

I began rifling through the arrangement that she made out of the birthday perks I’ve got, quickly plucking the notes and envelopes which came with the gifts. Most of the wreaths and cakes came from companies I invested in. The biggest flower arrangement of oversized tulips and carnations, no doubt, came from Sehun. The other came from personal acquaintances and business partners.

 

I took a photo of the whole arrangement and took the notes and envelopes with me to my office, scanning them when Sooyoung came in. “There’s more, and Nara said Mr. Oh’s mother left a message. She prepared something for tea at two at their house.”

 

I shrugged, taking my phone out to respond to Sehun’s mother, telling her I’ll be there. “More flowers?” I asked.

 

My receptionist nodded. “But nothing like the usual. It came with a huge teddy bear.” I arched a brow at her. “It’s from a certain Mr. Tuan.”

 

“What?!” I didn’t know how to feel about that. He’s not supposed to know it’s my birthday, much less send presents. I did not tell him on purpose. Just then my phone began ringing. It’s an unknown number, but the area code says somewhere in China. It could only be a choice among four people, Mark Tuan included.

 

‘Did you like it?’ It was Mark after all.

 

“I haven’t seen it. It just arrived, according to my receptionist. I’m on my way to see just what it is,” I responded rather coldly. “How the hell did you know about today?”

 

‘The proper response should be something like ‘thank you,’ but you’re you,’ he said. ‘Go check it out now.’

 

“I’m just surprised that you know at all.”

 

‘It’s on my calendar and it’s gonna stay.’

 

I walked to the front desk and found the obnoxiously huge, but nonetheless cute bear. With it was a box of black roses. BLACK ROSES! “Oh my god, you outdid yourself! OH MY GOD, TUAN!”

 

‘Are you happy or am I on death row?’

 

“Are you kidding me? I love black roses! Damn it, you’re annoying.”

 

‘Told you.’ He laughed at my reaction. ‘I’m heading for rehearsal so I’ll talk to you tomorrow. And no, you can’t refuse the late celebration I’m throwing.’

 

“Fine and thanks. They’re pretty.”

 

‘Anything for the birthday girl. Laters, baby girl.’

 

Sooyoung smiled knowingly at me as I lifted the box and the bear myself with a wide grin plastered on my face as I walked away. They’re definitely going home with me.

 

“Suddenly, you’re enjoying the fact that it’s your birthday when you were moping just moments ago about how, what did you say, a quarter century old you are? And now you’re cuddling with a stuffed bear – a present obviously – when you just looked at your gazillion presents without any feelings,” Seulgi said, entering my private space.

 

I showed her the box. “Black roses in a box. I guess turning twenty five has its perks. They give you pretty presents.”

 

“They as in..?”

 

“Tuan.” As much as I hated to admit it, he understands me more than anybody I’ve known for a longer time. Of course, my mom and my younger sister, Chichi, are exceptions. That makes three of them. Sehun didn’t come close to half of how much they know me, Jungkook refuses to understand me and just settles with my preferences even if he is so against it, and my closest friends are the same as Jungkook.

 

Mark’s pretty much the only one outside the family I have mental telepathy with. He doesn’t necessarily agree with me all the time and we don’t really share mutual feelings about everything, but he knows what I want and the other way around. I am a pea in a pod with most of my friend, but Mark’s probably one of those people I can consider I’m mashed potatoes with.

 

My ever faithful but meddlesome secretary narrowed her eyes at me, crossing her arms as she leaned against the doorpost. “Just what kind of relationship do you have with Mark Tuan?” she demanded. “And don’t tell me it’s similar to Jungkook.”

 

I chose to be sarcastic with her. I didn’t have any intention of divulging other things to her. “Well, it’s never the same thing with the same person, much less with two different individuals.”

 

“Is he Sehun’s replacement?” she asked. Seulgi is one of the few people who knew of the details of my relationship with Sehun before and now. She knows just how much I still treasured the guy as a person.

 

I shook my head. Sehun was my cure after spiraling to depression and I don’t think anybody can match up to that, but like I always say, I will never have the same exact thing I’ve shared with someone with anybody else, just like nothing will replace the fact that I loved him in a unique way different from any other person I’ve loved and will love.

 

I smiled at the thought of the flowers he gave me. “You know where Sehun stands, and nobody can replace him. New people in my life are never just replacements.”

 

Seulgi nodded in agreement. “This one’s very attentive to detail, and I guess he’s that special.” I asked her why and she said, “You’ve obviously been avoiding him, and this is just me talking, alright, but I think you can’t stay away that long.”

 

I knew just what she was talking about. I’ve developed this weird separation anxiety where Mark is concerned. I need to talk to him at least once every single day or it would be incomplete. “He feels like home.”

 

She laughed and handed me a small bag. “Here, dongsaeng.  Your birthday present.”

 

I took it from her and quickly opened. “You shouldn’t have.”

 

“You won’t say that once you see what’s inside.” And as expected, my beloved henchman is right. It was the limited edition resin action figure I’ve been meaning to buy but it’s always out of stock. I was so happy that I just hugged her, which is weird cause I don’t do that, but this one’s called for.

 

That day ended well with a few bottles of beer with all of my friends. I wished my family was there, but of course, t