I stared at the monitor of my laptop blankly after repeatedly reading the message that Mark sent me. Nothing is registering in my head, and I didn’t know exactly how I would reply to it.

 

His message read:

 

I won’t be around for a while so you better take care of yourself. I don’t care if you don’t shower for the whole time I’m away, but please, I’m begging you, EAT ON TIME! Sorry I couldn’t say it personally. I’ll miss you. Don’t die without me.

 

See, this is exactly what I have been dreading since he told me he will be away for a couple of weeks for the US leg of GOT7’s tour. I kinda resent him for doubting that I would miss him, and I resent him more for sending a message that rings sentimentality. He may think that I am some stone-hearted being devoid of emotions, but in truth, he doesn’t know half of it.

 

Though he understands me as well as he does so far, there are still a lot of things Mark doesn’t know about me. There was a plethora of things he has yet to discover for himself where I am concerned, things that deal with the side of me that has to do with emotions. I have emotional imbalance and most of the time, I do not know how to deal with how I feel, and in turn, they manifest in such odd ways not typical to other people. I think this is the main reason why people get the feeling that I am heartless and cold, even Mark, but really, I just do not know how to express myself. I observed as much.

 

He thinks I will not miss him and has repeatedly pointed out to me that compared to other people, it’s easier for me to deal with the longing to be with the people I love. There is no truth to his words at all. If anything, I am a human beagle with the worst kind of separation anxiety. Others think I am emotionless and often unaffected, but little do they know that I am struggling how to sort things out inside my head. Everyone thinks I’m this cold, apathetic individual who doesn’t know anything about relating to other people; everyone sees me as this strong dare-devil who isn’t scared of offending others with my actions and words, but really, how can anyone blame me if I’ve adapted this strategy to protect myself from this kind of world?

 

Of course, like others, I feel the longing to be with the people I love the most. If things were up to me, I would gather all of them in this one community so I wouldn’t have to miss them. I would do that if only I would get to see them every single day, but such isn’t the way of the world. I cannot take over everyone’s life by dictating them to exist within my reach. It’s an impossibility, and it’s idealistic, the very principle that goes against the beliefs I base my life on.

 

Mark doesn’t understand that in order for me to fight my daily battles, I have to be hard and indifferent. If I let everything affect me, I will go insane. It’s just that I have a hard time reacting to things properly. For instance, if it is called for to express happiness, I would react differently. If I need to be sad, I become apathetic instead. I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t programmed in my chromosomes for me to be very much attached to my emotional side, or maybe I just have psychopathic tendencies like my therapist told me before.

 

He doesn’t know that in order for me to cope with every hard obstacle I have to encounter, I need to be like this. I am apologetic that I seemed to have carried this cold demeanor into my personal life instead of limiting it to my professional and academic sphere. That’s probably the flaw in my strategy, but I found it useful even in how I deal with my personal affairs. I am not saying it applies for everyone, but it works well for me and I survive everyday by being just me.

 

I am emotionally detached. There, I said it. I think that being the kind of person I am is practical. Less drama, less hurt. Straightforward, no bars held. That’s just how I am, but I think I have jeopardized my relationships enough because that’s just the problem. I lack emotions, and now Mark says he is worried if I’ll miss him at all.

 

I shrugged as I took the easy way out again: APATHY.

 

Oh please. I think I know when I’m hungry. You don’t die without me. I won’t be there to pick up your corpse if you decide to drop dead. Take care.

 

And there’s my macabre sense of humor, too. As if the last statement I typed in was enough to sugar coat everything. Instead of replying properly, I sent that very message to Mark, waiting for his reaction, appropriate as always for a sensitive soul like he is. I swear I say the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate time. We’re just so incompatible.

 

Just like always, I promised myself I wouldn’t check on his affairs while he was away, but that’s just something I can’t keep. In the end, after work, I went home and the first thing I did was open sites where I would be able to see his airport photos. I wish I didn’t.

 

Without thinking, I started typing in my message and sent it to him. Your hair…

 

Mark did not reply of course. He was in the middle of a long flight and yet here I am bugging him about his hair. Well, I hated it and I couldn’t sit still without saying anything about it. I’ve always loved Mark’s dark hair and when he dyed it blond, it literally felt like I was looking at a new person. It’s just hair, I know I am exaggerating, but now that it’s pink... I haven’t seen him for the past two days before he went away, and I get bombarded with pink hair. Pink!

 

I’m insensitive like that, commenting on his hair when I should be asking after his welfare. He’s obviously tired and probably bracing himself for jetlag, but the best I could do is comment about his hair. Such a trivial thing that doesn’t even have anything to do with his wellbeing.

 

He was not able to reply to me until the following day after their concert in Dallas. I heard from fans that Youngjae is sick so I asked after him after congratulating them for finishing successfully. Well, I did not allow Mark to reply to me at all, because on top of all the conflicting feelings I felt for being away from him for the past days, I felt the pressure of the flight he booked for me weighing down on me like a ton of bricks. It’s like taking a giant leap forward, a step I am not ready for.

 

And so, I resorted to the tactic that easily got me away from anything at all – evasion. Whenever he would send messages, though I know he would do it on purpose to send them in accordance to my time zone, I would respond to him when I know he’s already asleep and as usual, I’ve got work as an excuse.

 

‘That’s always your excuse,’ Jungkook told me countless times in the past. Well, what can I say? It works for me. But of course, there are outside factors that would never leave me be just when I thought I already got everything sorted out for myself.

 

I have decided that I will not go to LA at all. I have already made up my mind that I would not, by any means, venture as far as another continent on such short notice just to see Mark, but things don’t always work the way I want them to. No. Life is a cruel, cruel thing and the people I thought I could trust are the ones who would conspire with it to go against my will.

 

One, there’s Mark’s mother. The very accommodating and loving Dorine Tuan. I know, because she has been very nice to me despite the fact that I’ve only met her personally once. That woman I refer to as Ayi could be the sweetest, most supportive mother I have ever met apart from my mother with the exception of sweet. My mom is anything but sweet. I got my cold demeanor from the Mother Ice Queen herself anyway, but yeah, Ayi is just such a sweet lady.

 

Through the time she was made aware that I have been associating myself with her son, there wasn’t a day when she wouldn’t ask after me through phone calls and in simple messages. She’s really thoughtful and accepting of my nature and I hardly needed to hide anything from her. She’s just the type of individual who could be my go-to person when the whole world is against me, and show the same fervent affection despite seeing everything.

 

That said, I can’t let her down, or at least not without feeling rather wretched on the inside. Of course, when she found out about the goddamn ticket, she wanted me to go. I didn’t know what to say so I told her I would think about it, noncommittally of course, but yeah, it has been eating me from the inside. She seemed really excited to learn about the possibility of me making an appearance in front of the whole Tuan family, most of whom I have already talked to over the phone.

 

It’s quite unnerving.

 

And two, I had Jungkook to worry about. The boy seems to get the gist of what is happening in my life before I could even figure it out. Since I told him about the trouble with Mark, he hasn’t stopped bugging me about sorting things out with the guy, as if his life depended on it. Every single time he would send me a message or call, he doesn’t fail to ask about my status with Mark.

 

I swear to god, that kid is hell-bent to get me, and I know that he would do anything to work matters out for me. They’re good for me most of the time, but see, I do not like them. The things we need the most are sometimes those that we detest. Jungkook is a living proof to that.

 

A few days after Mark left for the United States, Jungkook visited me on his own accord. He usually doesn’t come to see me unless he is invited or if he is out to annoy me. Such was the workings of that kid’s brain, but this time, it wasn’t all too different. He seemed concerned at first when he walked into my office straight out of a flight from China, but I got what I was bracing myself for when he opened his mouth.

 

“What are you doing here?” I asked rather rudely as he sat himself down on my settee. I did not even look up to know it was him. I would know that cologne anywhere. I gave it to him anyway. I continued to make quick notes on the reports that Seulgi left for me to check while punching number after number into the chart I was supposed to complete by the end of the day.

 

“I can’t visit a friend?” he asked, setting his foot over the L-couch.

 

“Mm. Stop bullting me. You don’t do visits, not even when I was very sick, bored out of my wits. You’re a great friend like that.” I wrote a message on a sticky note and stuck it on top of the page I was currently working on. “So what is it really?”

 

He was silent for a while as he toyed with the glass globe that was supposed to be on top of the center table. “I was bored and I didn’t want to go home with the boys.”

 

“So you came here to bug me? I’m busy.”

 

I could already imagine him rolling his eyes at my direction as he said, “That’s what you say when you don’t feel like being around people.”

 

“Oh you got the hint through that thick skull of yours anyway.”

 

He stood up from the couch and sat himself down in front of my desk. That didn’t stop me from continuing the work I have already started. “You have a team of accountants to do the work for you.” Jungkook glanced behind him, making sure nobody apart from me heard what he said.

 

“Well, I also need to check them after – What the hell?!”

 

He got my full attention after grabbing the pen out of my hand. It caused an accidental line to be drawn halfway the length of the page. He threw the pen across the room. “You need to listen to me.”

 

I leaned back on my swivel chair. “Make it quick. I need to finish that today.”

 

He smirked at the paper. “You work too damn much.”

 

“That is not true,” I muttered through clenched teeth, turning away from him. I fixed my gaze to the view outside. “What do you want?”

 

Jungkook rounded the table and stood behind my chair, placing both hands on my shoulders. I tensed when his hand started squeezing until I realized he was trying to be a nice kid for once. A massage is just what I needed. “You’re tired. You need a break.”

 

“I do,” I agreed, “But I can’t do that now. Besides, what’s left to do but work, right?”

 

“No,” His tone softened. “You have an option, and don’t deny it. I was told.”

 

I kept the tension low by pretending not to have heard what he said, relishing his hands which were doing magic on my aching shoulders. I knew what he was pertaining to, but he was the last person I will discuss that with, not that I would have any say in it if he actually gets started. It’s the Jeon Jungkook way or the highway, so the best solution is to