I've struggled. A lot. But I finally managed a chapter, yay!

Warning, includes smoking.

There, be warned XD

Enjoy! <3

Namjoon had had his dark moments in the past. 

He was no stranger to drowning desperation and the ill feelings of never being enough, not even to yourself. He had went through it, too. He had had a time where he wanted to run away and just forget being alive even for a second to be at peace. 

It was when he was about to stagger over the line of sickness, when he openly shouted at his friends to just shut the up and leave him alone, that he met eyes with Yoongi.

They had never talked before, nor did Yoongi even try to approach him at any time, but Namjoon could see something in his eyes that made his feet walk over to the smaller man: Understanding. 

Yoongi didn't say anything. He didn't greet him or tell his name, he did nothing, and Namjoon was the same. He just stared at him in the eyes, oddly comfortable in the unusual silence that never surrounded him before.

He didn't need words to get his point across because he could see, in Yoongi's eyes, that he wordlessly understood what went through his mind. And that was enough. That was all Namjoon ever needed. That's all he ever wanted, for someone to understand him without having to ask for it. 

His friends could never offer him what that stranger could with just one look and that had felt pathetic to him. But he fixed it by becoming friends with the only person that could give him the strength he needed to pull it through and someone that shared the same passion as him for what they did. 

And now Yoongi needed him as much as he had needed him. 

"Hey."

Yoongi turned around and was surprised to see Namjoon standing by the door to his room, a bag resting on his shoulders and a small box of stuff in his hands. 

"Hey," Yoongi greeted again, trying to hide his bad mood by looking away. Namjoon wasn't a fool this time. He could see how down he was and for the first time in a very long time he felt like he could actually understand his friend again.

All it took for him was to stop pretending like he was fine in the first place. "You came here to get the rest of your stuff?" Yoongi asked as he vaguely motioned towards the box. "'Cause I can go get them for you so you don't have to wait too long."

Namjoon looked down and drummed the sides of the box with his fingers, trying his hardest not to make this too awkward. 

"Nah, I thought I should just... Stay," he explained, rendering Yoongi speechless. 

Yoongi narrowed his eyes, "Did you two fight?" 

Namjoon chuckled, "No. I'm just going to stay, Yoongs."

Yoongi gave him one more suspicious look before giving him a small nod. Namjoon could swear he heard him think 'whatever you say' with the most suspicious voice a man could own. He sighed. There was nothing he could do now but to prove himself to be the friend he had claimed to be before. 

"Good night," he sincerely wished after Yoongi told him he'd go to bed now.

He knew the older was just trying to push him away from him, still suspicious of his words and act, but Namjoon had no one but himself to blame for his mistrust. 

How could he ever let himself become a man, who couldn't be trusted?

He shook his head. He wouldn't be surprised if Yoongi expected him to leave overnight with half the house with him.

And it was true. Yoongi did doubt him. He didn't believe him when he said he'd stay, he refused to. Namjoon would stay with him? Yoongi? The infamous loser Min Yoongi? As if. He was just trying to sweet talk his way out of meeting him and Yoongi didn't let him. He didn't dare to get his hopes up. 

But when the morning came and he hesitantly looked around after a night of barely any sleep, he could see Namjoon up and awake in his room.

Real, he thought, was he real? Or had he finally fallen asleep before the morning came? He was going mad, wasn't he? There was no reason for Namjoon to stay with someone as pathetic as him.

He shook his head with a click of his tongue. There was no use trying to make sense out of his mind. To his amazement though, the figure turned around on the tiny balcony. It was only then that Yoongi noticed the smoke coming from something that he could only guess as a cigarette.

"Mornin'," Namjoon greeted with a smile and turned around again as if there was nothing odd about this.

Yoongi blinked a couple times as he just stared at him, trying to figure out if he really was dreaming or not. Then, with a soft sigh, he walked through Namjoon's room and approached his roommate.

It was chilly, he noted and wrapped his hands around his waist. He must've been up for a while now. 

"I didn't know you smoked," he remarked as he leaned against the railing and took a deep breath of the smoke filled air. 

"I didn't."

Yoongi sufficed with that, silently staring at the depressing view of the city. Or maybe it was just him that felt so caged with it when there were so many people that hated him around him. 

"A cigarette?" Namjoon offered without actually looking at him. 

"No thanks. I don't do things I can't afford."

"Yet you sound like you've been smoking for years."

Yoongi groaned, a bit surprised by his comment, "Oh shut up, you are one to talk."

Only then did it occur to them how casual it was. The small talk, the teasing. It was as if nothing ever happened. This was what Namjoon had had in his mind all these years.

Yoongi tensed. In all honesty, he hadn't expected Namjoon to reply back at all after he had said he didn't want a taste. But now they were actually almost chatting? 

Namjoon eyed him carefully before taking a draft of the cigarette, gathering his thoughts. He'd have to ask the unavoidable sooner or later anyway, so he decided for once to just get it over with. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" He could hear Yoongi sigh. "I'm going to punch you in the face if you say 'you didn't ask'," he quickly added as an afterthought, pleased at how smooth he was leading the conversation now. 

Yoongi snorted, seeming a bit more relaxed now, "I wasn't going to say that."

But he stayed silent. Namjoon decided not to rush him. Giving Yoongi the time to speak and explain himself was something he didn't give him in the past, so it would only be fair to give it now even if Namjoon didn't actually need an explanation anymore. Yoongi just deserved a chance to speak his mind. 

"I guess I just didn't think it would blow up to be this big in the past. And when it did... It just seemed so futile to try to do something about it, you know. If I had known how much it would affect my life..." Yoongi scoffed, "No, I would've still done it. It had nothing to do with you and it worked fine for some time, and it would've worked well for a longer time too."

Namjoon nodded silently to himself while he tried to digest those words. He stomped the cigarette against the railing and slowly blew out the last puff of smoke he had kept in his mouth. Would he have blamed Yoongi if he had learned about it later? 

No, Namjoon decided. Because he would've done the same damn thing to live even a bit more comfortably for even one day longer. Didn't he, after all, end up only pushing his friend away once he found out? Did he really have the guts to claim he wouldn't have wanted his friend to stay for even a bit longer by his side without judging him?

He couldn't even imagine what Yoongi was going through right now, but Namjoon knew that he'd understand nevertheless. He just wished Yoongi could see the same look he had given him back then in his eyes now, so that he'd wordlessly understand he would be there for him even if it didn't seem like it. But when he looked at his friend, Yoongi refused to meet his eyes. He sighed.

"I would've done that too," he assured in the end, trying to get rid of the tense atmosphere. Yoongi cast him a surprised look but said nothing.

A beat passed and still nothing. Namjoon could feel himself getting nervous again. He took a deep breath of air before clearing his throat.

He was getting a bit cold and he didn't even know why he lighted up that smoke in the first place. But it had calmed him down enough for this conversation, so he let it slide. Seokjin would kill him if he'd pick up the habit though. 

"So you think we'll be fine?"

Yoongi hummed in wonder and stayed silent for a moment too long again, but Namjoon urged himself to not to care. "I think we could," Yoongi replied after some time, and Namjoon found himself smiling.

"Cool." 

_____

Yoongi wasn't surprised to find himself there again, the cold stairs and a freezing draft as his companion as he leaned against the wall, all too familiar with this setting.

He just had to run away. From Namjoon that was. Yoongi had nothing against him knowing, it was like a huge boulder had been lifted from his shoulders. But sometimes... Most of the times... He sort of hated that Namjoon knew.

He couldn't stand the way the younger tried to include him into the conversations he had with others, or the way he'd try to put in a good word for him to soften the blow of his presence. It seemed desperate, and even if that was Yoongi's whole existence in one word, he didn't want to seem like it. In fact, he straight up hated it.

Especially the look in Namjoon's eyes when the crowd ignored everything he had said about him. It had never happened to Namjoon before, he hadn't thought it could ever even happen. But it did, he was talking about Yoongi and none of the people around him wanted to hear about it.

Everyone was uncomfortable with it.

Everyone but Namjoon.

The murmurs were softer this time for the sake of their idol, but it didn't take a genius to know what they were talking about. Or more precisely, of whom they were talking about.

So Yoongi just took off, too sick of hearing Namjoon's words himself. The younger was stupid if he thought he could change the world in one day. Yoongi knew better, he didn't expect a miracle even with Namjoon by his side.

It wasn't like he hadn't lived with this for years now. Forcing Yoongi on them would just make things worse, and he wished Namjoon would realize that soon, too.

Yoongi sighed as he softly hit his head against the wall, forcing himself to calm down and stop thinking about it. Now that Namjoon actually had come back and seemed to tolerate him seemingly well again, Yoongi's self hatred had diminished a bit, but it only gave more room for his social anxiety again.

He was still suspicious as to why Namjoon had even come back in the first place. He couldn't help to be a bit cautious, a part of him questioning what was wrong with Seokjin for the younger to act this way.

He hit his head a bit harder, slightly guilty for thinking the way he did. The pressure of the situation earlier was starting to catch up on him, and he had a hard time trying to swallow the lump in his throat again.

Look at him being pathetic again, he thought bitterly to himself, crying alone in the emergency exit for no reason at all. He was not meant for this, he wasn't meant for this life – if living at all.

While he was busy calming his racing mind, he didn't hear the door open and someone approaching him. He flinched when a hand came to rest on top of his left shoulder, and he turned to look at a familiar brunette behind him, wide eyed.

"I knew I'd find you here," Taehyung said with a boxy grin.

Yoongi turned his eyes away, feeling small under the other's towering figure, unconsciously shrinking to himself. He heard a deep sigh coming from next to him but he ignored it as the thoughts of 'what if Namjoon would've come to look for him instead' invaded his mind.

Half of him had even expected it and he felt so stupid for childishly feeling disappointed by the fact that he didn't. Namjoon was still not his babysitter and he had no right to assume he'd be out there, looking for him when he was the one to walk away.

"I think I owe you an apology."

Yoongi paused his thoughts. Say what again? He cringed when he was hit with a small deja-vu from their first meeting, but shook it off fast because, what? The apology had really caught him off guard.

"What for?"

Taehyung took that as a permission to sit down next to him, "I heard what happened between you and Namjoon because of me. And I.... I felt so guilty about it. I know we aren't exactly friends, but... I still felt the need to apologize. I haven't been able to sleep well since I couldn't find you anywhere and... I didn't mean it, I'm sorry."

It was true, part of the guilt did fall on Taehyung now that Yoongi actually remembered his involvement in this mess. He was too used to everything always falling on his shoulders, so he forgot that not every mistake people did was automatically his too.

In a way he was actually sort of glad that Taehyung had forced him to come clear about his pathetic life without having to say a thing about it himself, and risk coming off as the attention seeker people had recently started to blame him as thanks to Namjoon.

But the most important thing was that no one had ever apologized for him. No one. Not even Namjoon when he found out, not anyone that had insulted him or the people that had come for him when they thought he'd hit it big.

Yet there was Taehyung, a complete stranger that actually did nothing wrong because how could he know Yoongi never told Namjoon anything, apologizing him for making his life harder.

He was at a loss of words, but just one look at the other's disheveled figured forced his mind to come up with something, anything. The poor boy looked so tortured and Yoongi did, strangely enough, feel a bit bad for letting him go through that for someone like him.

"You're not a bad guy," he ended up admitting in the end.

Taehyung, who had hung his head low in his shame, snapped his head up so fast that he hurt his neck, "What?" he croaked through the pain.

Yoongi rolled his eyes, his mood taking a turn to his normal, crappy one, "Look, you have no reason to apologize. Yeah, you did meddle with something you shouldn't, but it's not like it wouldn't have come out sooner or later anyway. I appreciate your effort though. So, umm, I don't know, thank you?"

Taehyung's smile turned unbelievably wide and Yoongi would've asked if his cheeks hurt, but he wasn't that social, so he didn't.

"Great! Now that we have that out of our chests," he started and pulled Yoongi's hand to him against his will, placing a piece of paper on it, "Here's my number. I think we're both a bit too busy now, but once things start clearing up, give me a call. Or you can call me at any time you want, really."

Yoongi cocked his head to the side with an incredulous look on his face.

Well, wasn't this sudden.

"Sure?"

Taehyung grinned, "Great, I'll be waiting."

Yoongi lifted his hand as a goodbye as Taehyung told him he needed to get going again, and then got up himself, stretching his arms and legs.

The talk had seemed to relax him for some odd reason, and going out there seemed a bit less uncomfortable than it had just a moment ago. He felt like he'd even be ready to put up with Namjoon's ridiculous act again.

Nodding to himself, Yoongi took one last breath and left, trying to forget how he slid Taehyung's number in his pocket.