Grief is like a plate that can never be cleaned. No matter how hard you wash it, with a sponge and soap, as shiny as it might look, there’s always a speck of grime that clung on. And that dirt, made her feel disgusting.

She had gone through the first three stages of grief. Denial – she delayed going to the funeral home until two weeks had passed since their deaths. Anger – she snapped at anyone and everyone like a rabid dog that asked about her wellbeing. Bargaining – she went to church every night and prayed at the pews, pleading with God to exchange her life for her family’s. What was left was depression, and acceptance.

She was stuck on fourth stage.

Depression is as intense as love, but instead of being uplifted into the air, you’re pulled down into the darkest depths. Each thought was the weight of a pebble. However, instead of them disappearing, they replay over and over again, each pebble piling on top of each other. The weight of regret and despair constantly lugged her down. She sometimes wondered what would happen if she really did load pebbles into her pockets until they outweighed her, so her body wouldn’t instinctively float to the surface. Sometimes she would daydream about the afterlife. The pebble thought of suicide so tempting, so smooth, so soothing. Dreaming about that sweet relief, as all the air in her lungs bubbled out of and upwards, the sadness gradually draining from her lips. Her lips would be blue, the colour of sadness. The emotion which consumed her.

Then, she would remember that wasn’t what her parents envisioned for her life. But then again, she didn’t imagine her parents would be gone before she turned sixteen.

MOONBYUL

Mr Lee stared up at the ceiling as he lied on his back, his usual adopted position on my therapy chair.

“Are you still thinking of her?” I asked him.

“There’s not a moment that I don’t.”

“What do you think about?”

He waited to reply, as if picking up each memory like an autumn leaf. Crisp and delicate.

“I think about what I regret.”

I’ve had never related to someone as much as that moment. I really shouldn’t have stayed over at Solar’s house. The look of shock on her face was unforgettable. I never wanted to be the cause of that fear ever again.

“There were a thousand moments that I had taken for granted. Mostly because I just assumed there would be a thousand more.”

It had been two weeks since I changed his antidepressant, but grief still wrapped around him. However, he wore it on him like a belt. Like it was part of him. If only he could realise he could take it off at the end of the day.

“And now I just relive the moments, replay it like my tape recorder. But I know I’m getting old because each time I try to remember things, it turns fuzzier and fuzzier. There might be a time when I don’t remember anything. I hope that moment doesn’t come. I’ll rather be dead before that happens.”

I jot that down on my patient notes – ‘Consider increasing dose’.

“Mr Lee, I’ll make an appointment for you to see me in two weeks. And if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone, please call me.”

Then he looked at me with the fatherliest expression; a parental warmth which I hadn’t felt in many years.

“Don’t worry Dr Moon, I’ll make sure to keep you company.”

Even though he tried to reassure me, it felt like he was lying. That frightened me more.

*

SOLAR

In a single bite, I stuffed the final piece of rice cake into my mouth. Almost not chewing, I swallowed, enjoying the lump it formed as it travelled down my throat. It was strangely satisfying.

“You sure love your ddeokbokki.” Eric said, with his characteristic grin.

I liked the way his eyes would curve when he smiled, the way the lines around his eyes would crinkle with joy. The lines weren’t of age, but rather a statement of how much he has enjoyed his life. I wished I could say the same.

“It’s my favourite dish.” I said. “I think at one point, I had it three times a day.”

“You’re a rice cake fiend.” Eric sounded. “Maybe I should learn so I can fatten you up.”

“What are you trying to say? I haven’t worked out in so long. I can’t even do yoga now.” I complained.

Not only was the injury affecting my work life, it was affecting my social life. Not being able to exercise and relieve the pent-up stress was making my body feel heavier than ever.

“And you shouldn’t go, not with that injury.” Eric said, telling me something I already knew.

“How’s filming going?” I asked, changing the subject.

I didn’t like being told something I already knew. It felt like I was being treated like a child, even though I knew he only meant well.

“It’s going rather quick.” Eric replied. “My scenes are actually nearly finished. When did they say you could come back?”

“I’m due back on set next week. I’m not going to be doing any action scenes though. As long as I wear my long sleeved hanbok, it should hide the cast. But I can’t wait. It’s driving me crazy being at home all the time.”

“That’s good. It will be nice to have you back on set.” Eric’s quietly said. “It’s quiet without you.”

I smiled. His words touched me. They made me feel appreciated, which was something I hadn’t felt in a while. I reached over and placed my hand over his surprisingly soft hand.

“Thank you, Eric.”  

I don’t think he must have heard those words from another person often because his cheeks slightly pinkened at my words. He really was a sweet guy.

*

WHEEIN

I pushed open the door of the bar and was immediately hit by an awful scent. The smell of vomit burned my nostrils. I imagined the way the acid must have burnt his throat and clogged his nostrils. I felt a familiar pit in my stomach that almost caused me to throw up myself. I had to get out. I immediately spun round and stepped back into the fresh air. I squatted down by the entrance, my head between my knees and breathed in and out. I did my best allow my lungs to become filled with the cool night air, rather than the stench of poor choices.

I jumped when someone pats my back. The relief I felt when I saw Hyejin’s face was unbelievable.

“You alright?”

She helped me onto my feet. Her cool hand touched my forehead and I realised my skin had turned clammy. My face must have been pale and ghostly.

“Yeah… Yeah I’m okay. Just…”

My voice sounded shaky but I did my best to swallow down the anxiety.

“I know the smell was terrible. I knew I shouldn’t have given him those shots.” Hyejin said, giving me a bottle of water which she pulled out like a magician.

I chugged down half the bottle, appreciating the way it refreshed my parched throat, washing away the feeling of disdain.

“But I mean, are you okay?”

I knew what Hyejin’s question meant.

“I am. It just… brings back memories.”

Memories that I would rather have forgotten.

“Why do you do it Hyejin? Even after everything, how do you get through every day?”

Time solves most things, but what it can’t solve, you have to do it yourself. I knew Hyejin had far more reason to be affected by what just happened. Yet here she was, forcing herself to withstand factors that would have damaged a normal person. However, why was it that I had to keep seeking help when my issues did not compare to hers?

“I just get on with it.” Hyejin shrugged.

I almost hated that response. It was so dismissive, while I had to struggle.

“I think, what if I wasn’t there. What if I didn’t take their car keys? What if I let them wander home not knowing left from right. I just wouldn’t be able to sleep, knowing that one more drunken idiot was on the roam.”

“I wish I was as strong as you.”

“You are strong Wheein. Maybe even more than me.”

I snorted.

“You are. Look back and think about how far you’ve come. You don’t even realise how amazing you are.”

I didn’t answer. Self-pity can be deafening sometimes.

Suddenly, Hyejin’s arm was around me. “I’ll just to always be there to remind you of just how brave you are.”

I genuinely smiled. I couldn’t imagine being without my best friend.

“Thanks Hyejin.”

“Always. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I embraced Hyejin and her arms tightly wrapped around my waist. They were so tight, I felt the pressure around my ribs.

“Hey, you can let go now.”

Hyejin immediately released me.

“You don’t know your own strength.” I laughed. “Good thing I’m here to remind you of that.”

“Yeah, good thing.”

She then led me back inside her pub, which smelt of lemons and Hyejin’s perfume. It reminded me of home.

*

MOONBYUL

I sipped at the freshly brewed tea. Mrs Kim smiled at me, and then shuffled away.

“Where is Jisung?” I asked Nari, expecting him to be there for my home visit.

“He’s at his after-school lessons. Lately he’s been coming home later.”

Nari’s finger rubbed the rim of her tea cup – a sign of anxiousness.

“I think it’s harder for him to be at home.”

We glanced at Mrs Kim, who sat in the living, quietly watching a new episode of some daytime drama I did not recognise. Seeing her small body, I instinctively wanted to wrap a blanket around and keep her safe and warm. People have a distinct draw to protect the vulnerable.

“Her back was the biggest mountain, but now it seems like a small hill.” Nari said. “She was just a happy person. She was-”

Nari stopped, as if she accidently bit her tongue. She looked at me and I knew she was going to cry.

“I wonder when I started saying ‘was’?” Nari asked, directing the question to herself, rather than me. “She’s hasn’t even died.”

I passed her the tissue box, and she grabbed at one, doing her best to rid the evidence of her distraught. However, my job wasn’t to help her hide her worries, it was for me to help her overcome them.

“She’s still here Nari.”

Nari shook her head in disagreement.

“She rarely recognises me or Jisung anymore. We can’t even call out mother ‘Mom’. She only responds to Mrs Kim now.”

Nari opened , but she hesitated. I waited, knowing she was about to say something.

“Sometimes I wish my mother had cancer instead.”

I did my best to appear unfazed. However, it did catch me off guard. “Why?”

“Because she can survive that. There’s a cure for that. This disease is a death sentence. She can’t get better. She won’t just suddenly get all her memory back. She’ll just keep forgetting us, piece by piece until there’s nothing left that she or us can recognise.”

Nari sobbed into her tissue, doing her best to keep it muffled to not distress her mother. I carefully rubbed her back as she shook.  

“She won’t remember Jisung’s graduation even if I were to take her next month.”

Before I met Nari’s family, I took memory for granted. I learned that I would have to cherish as well. However, it’s difficult when a lot of your memories are filled with things you would rather forget.  

*

SOLAR

I couldn’t stop replaying it over and over in my brain. I ruined everything. Why did I do it?

‘It’s okay.’ I told myself. I just had to act normal. I was a professional actress so I was sure I could hold a relatively easy-going conversation with Dr Moonbyul. It’s just the weekly check-up. It was routine. No need to even think about how you became attracted to your doctor and had your crush trample you without their knowledge. I just to keep it cool.

However, those thoughts were completely dashed when I was sitting in front of Moonbyul.

Her fingers delicately bent my fingers. It didn’t hurt as much as it did before but another part of my body ached which Moonbyul couldn’t touch.

“It looks like you could take off the cast soon.” Moonbyul said. “I’ll refer you to Dr Ahn. She’ll take good care of you.”

“That’s good to hear.” I replied, though rather stoically.

I wondered if Moonbyul would bring up the other night. We haven’t spoken since then but the amount of times I wrote a message to her was ridiculous.

‘How are you? Did you eat lunch? Are you doing anything tonight? Should we talk about that night?’

So many questions I desired to ask, but with no courage to actually send the words. I wondered if Moonbyul thought about it as much as I did.

“How are you feeling?” Moonbyul suddenly asked. “Are you going to be filming soon?”

Even though it was just casual conversation, I never felt happier. Simply talking to Moonbyul made my insides jump with glee. What was wrong with me?

“I heard from the director that they want me to start filming next week. There won’t be any actions scenes though. Not until I’ve fully healed. He’s very kind.”

“I’m glad to hear that. It is important that you recover properly before you put your body or mind through any stress.”

I liked that Moonbyul also talked about my mental health. It’s not often that doctors asked about that aspect of my being, even though it makes up half of me.

“How are Moonbyul?”

The way she looked up at made my heart jump.

“Sorry, I mean Dr. Moon.”

She smiled and I felt my heart move in a wholly different way. I don’t know if it was my imagination, but her cheeks looked blushed and she cleared like she was trying to gather herself. It was completely to the usually stoic image she had. It was adorable.

“It’s okay Solar. It’s just us two. No one can hear our conversation.”

I didn’t know why, but I became nervous when she said that. It was just us two. It’s been like that many other times, but when she said it, it made it real. If only it could have been just us two for longer than just less than an hour.

“Moonbyul, can I ask you something?”

“You have still over half an hour with me.” she joked. “We can talk about anything you like in this time. Or any time after that. I’ll listen.”

Her saying that touched me in ways no other words have. I’ve never had someone so entirely want to listen to me. Even Wheein would sometimes become tired of me. However, if I was to spill everything, reveal all my thoughts and opinions, would Moonbyul really listen, or she was just being polite? I had to take my time to find out.

“Are you with someone at the moment?”

My curiosity and own aching heart knocked my logic aside. However, I didn’t want to regret not knowing, before I commit to get over my infatuation.

Moonbyul stared at me, shocked at me again. My heart pumped painfully against my chest as I anticipated her answer.  

“I’m not. I haven’t dated in a long time.” she laughed.

The relief I felt when she said those words was unreal. But then, who was Seulgi?

“How about you Solar? Someone as pretty as you must have someone in their pocket.”

My cheeks reddened at the compliment.

“No, I don’t.” I answered, maybe a bit too quickly.

“Really? Well, I guess as an upcoming actress, a scandal wouldn’t be worth the risk.”

“I would risk everything if it was for the right person.”

Moonbyul gazed at me again. In those dark eyes that I have so often become lost in, I saw something deeper. I couldn’t put my finger on it because before I could identify what it was, Moonbyul looked down. However, déjà vu hit me, like I’ve seen that emotion before.

“However, it’s hard to know when you meet the right person.”

I had to agree. Nevertheless, I would rather jump forward than stay back, rather than not knowing what lied ahead. You can’t know you made a mistake, until you actually make the mistake.

*

HWASA

It rained the day I went to the cemetery. I placed the bouquet of bright flowers, contrasting against the grey of the headstone. When I stood, I simply stared down at the gravestone, listening to the rhythmical thumping of the rain against my umbrella. I imagined it was the sound of the dead knocking on the door that separated the living and the other side.

The sound was doubled. I turned and saw Wheein standing next to me, under her own umbrella.

“What are you doing here?” I quietly asked, as if, if I were to raise my voice, I would wake the ghosts.

“Paying my respects.” Wheein simply said. “And seeing if you were okay.”

“I’m okay.”

“Hyejin.” Her tone was serious.

“What else can I say?”

I think I’ve said those words for so long that I finally started to believe it.

“You don’t have to always be fine Hyejin.”

I didn’t answer. I had to be brave because if I wasn’t, if I were to go back into that hole again, I didn’t think I would have the power to did myself up again.

“Right, let’s make a deal then. You can be ‘okay’ every other day of the year, but today, I give you permission to not be okay.”

I stared at the gravestone as Wheein stood next to me. The solid pillar in my life who has supported me for so long. I don’t know when I started to cry, but it was not rain that poured down from my face. Suddenly, my resolve crumbled. Shame engulfed me as sobs wrecked my body. My hands went to my face and I don’t even realise when I dropped my umbrella. I didn’t even notice when my clothes became moist.

However, I did notice the arms that wrapped around me.

The sound of rain echoed over me again, as well as my sounds of crying muffled in Wheein’s jumper, and the sounds of my thumping heart. It drowned everything else out. All that I was, in that moment, was Hyejin, desperately holding onto Wheein as she gently my back. In that moment, I selfishly hoped Wheein would never leave me alone.

A/N: Finally made an update! Thank you for supporting this story and waiting for this chapter! Another chapter filled with angst and drama. The story should move steadily along after this chapter. Hope you guys like it, and I'm going to do my best to update more frequently :D 

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