It was like the ground was moving from under her. Someone was stealing the rug right from under her. However, it wasn’t the floor. It was her own legs that shook. They quivered as she tried to walk.

In the rehabilitation centre, along with other patients, she struggled along a short walkway. Her arms were aching from the strain but even when she used all her might to move her feet, they just wouldn't move as much as she wanted them to. Willpower wasn’t enough to defy physics.

"You can do it." her friend cheered.

Instead of being encouraging, it was humiliating. She had always been the alpha. She was the strong one. She was the brave one. Now, she could barely hold herself up. She was like a defenceless, vulnerable, baby. She despised it.

Especially in front of her.

She was meant to be the protector. However, she realised, that she couldn't protect anyone. The people dearest to her were all gone, and she was the only one left standing - and she could barely even walk.

MOONBYUL

The steel doors buzzed opened and I was allowed onto the secured grounds. In amidst all the flowers and greenery, the patients casually strolled around with their family and carers. It would seem like a normal enclosed park, if it weren’t for the uniformed nurses and armed security dotted around.

I patiently waited on the usual bench that faced the beautiful water fountain. It seemed out of place against the grey building.

“Byulyi!” I heard.

I quickly stand up and embrace the approaching body and I allowed to sink into the warm embrace. Even though she’s smaller and slimmer than I, she was softer than I was. She had always been more tender than I ever was.

Eventually we had to break apart and I took Seulgi’s hand. As usual we walk around the garden, following the path, uncaring that we were simply walking in circles. All I wanted to hear was Seulgi’s cheerful voice. All I wanted to see what Seulgi’s gentle smile. All I wanted to know was that my younger sister was okay.

I was not going to make the same mistake. I wasn’t going to choose anything else over my sister again.

*

SOLAR

When I woke up, I was alone. Then, I remembered everything from last night. Everything Moonbyul said to me.

I was a mistake.

A tsunami of despair washed over me. I didn’t know why or where it originated from, but it stemmed from underneath and engulfed me. It was a familiar dread and one I wished I wasn’t accustomed to. I wrapped the duvet around me and cocoon myself. At least there was one good thing about being alone. There was no one else around to witness me crying.

*

WHEEIN

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I reread the article over and over.

‘Eric Nam has confirmed his relationship with Kim Solar, fellow actress on upcoming film‘

“What is this?” I exclaimed at our publicist.

“I don’t know.” he responded.

“I told you there was nothing going between the two. How can this article come up?”

I was fuming. I knew Solar wasn’t the type to lie. However, I didn’t think Eric was the type to do such a thing too. It must have been a lie from a netizen or a backward source. It was the only explanation.

“I need to speak to him.” I had to sort this out before Solar saw anything and had another breakdown.

“Let’s wait. We need to think about our next move. We need to be strategic.”

I paused. He was right.  If we outright call him a liar, who was going to believe us. Eric Nam was the nation’s beloved flower actor while Solar was just a newbie. There would be no doubt that haters were already digging up Solar’s past and posting ridiculous hateful comments. I had to make sure Solar was closed off from the world. However, in the day and age, would that be possible?

It felt like I was the doctor because it seemed as of recent, all I was doing was damage control.

*

HWASA

I hated myself. I always have. Even if I seemed confident and relaxed, I was everything but that. However, I was comfortable. I was familiar with self-loathing and I didn’t want to break away from it. Any change was scary and I didn’t want to venture into it. It meant risking my wellbeing and falling lower than I had ever been.

However, that day when Wheein came over, I had the chance to look at myself in the mirror. I mean, really look at myself. In the afternoon light, it highlighted everything I had been avoiding. The huge bags under my eyes, my stained clothes, my straggly hair, my clammy but dry skin. Everything about me said malnourished and unkempt. I don’t know how I allowed myself to become that way but my reflected image made me cringe. It was the image that Wheein saw. If this is what she saw every time she met me, how could I ask for her to like me? How could I ask anyone of that?

It was strange. Even though I might have looked at the mirror multiple times, and saw the same thing, it never struck me. Perhaps, I wasn’t ready. I had to hit my rock bottom before realising the only way was up. I decided I really did need to change. I couldn’t continue this way. If I did, I can’t imagine what my family would think. Rather than a blessing, I turned my luck into a curse.

However, I knew I needed help. Sometimes people were too prideful to admit that they need help from others, but I had thrown my pride away a long time ago. It was obvious. I wasn’t strong enough to do it on my own.

When I sat in Moonbyul’s office, nostalgia hit me. However, I was usually the one to sit outside.

“I think I’m depressed. And maybe an alcoholic.”

Moonbyul looked at me with absolutely no judgement. It was refreshing. I can understand why people find they can speak to her. People only tell me things when they’re drunk or wanting someone to talk to. I was just a wall to bounce things off. Moonbyul was an actual person that was there to listen.

“What makes you say that?” Moonbyul asked.

I describe how I feel when I’m down. It’s like I can’t see above my head. When I look up, I don’t see the clouds or how blue the sky is. I just see the endless possibilities where a plane can fall from the sky and kill me. I can only think about the number of ways the world can hurt me again.

When it’s the worst, I remember the time when I wanted to end everything. When I felt like there would never a day that I would actually smile. I had no passion to sing or dance or even get up from my sofa. It hurt just to open the curtains. It was a strain just to leave the house. It was simply a pain to be alive.

I describe that alcohol makes me forget those negative feelings. I used it like anaesthesia. It numbs everything. Good and bad. I’m just a blank slate where every emotion slips off my body. I don’t have to worry about anything because alcohol was my friend and would always be there for me.

“Obviously, I would suggest you don’t go to any environment where there’s alcohol.” Moonbyul first stated.

“Then I’m really testing myself with being a bar owner.”

“Wasn’t that always the reason?”

Since the accident, I never wanted to drive. It took me years to even get into a taxi without getting goose-bumps. It took me even longer to want to drink any sort of alcohol. I thought I would always be teetotal. However, one day, I just wanted to know what it was like. To know what made people want to drink. Why they would choose to endanger themselves and others thoughtlessly. When I had alcohol and felt it’s effects, I understood.

I always wanted to test myself. I convinced myself I opened the bar to keep from drivers from leaving drunk. I believed I was doing it for a good cause. However, in truth, I was adding to the problem. I wanted to know I wasn’t as terrible as the drunkards that came into my bar. That I wasn’t as low as my patrons that were paying my bills. However, I was the lowest. I was a self-righteous brat who didn’t even know herself. I shouldn’t have judged other people’s circumstances.

“Have you thought about going to Alcoholic Anonymous groups?” asked Moonbyul.

“Who would sponsor me?”

“I can.”

“Why would you do that?”

It was a bit more abrupt than I would have wanted to come across. However, even though Moonbyul has been a frequent patron to my bar, I wouldn’t have called her a friend. The only true friend I had was Wheein, who knew everything about me. I didn’t want to trust the woman who barely knew anything about me.

“As much as you might think you’re alone Hwasa, you should know there are people who do care about your wellbeing. As much as you try to damage yourself, you have friends that want the best for you. I want to do this for you.”

I had been alone for so long that I thought I had forgotten how to let people in. I thought I had forgotten to be friendly or how to share a laugh with someone. However, Moonbyul was telling me something different. She was saying that she was a friend. As a friend she would support me, like the times I had listened to her and offered her the same.

When Moonbyul pushed her box of tissues to me, it was only then did I realise I was crying.

*

SOLAR

I knocked on the dressing room door. I didn’t think I would be here but I needed to speak to him.

“Come in.” his voice called.

I opened the door and saw Eric at the dressing table. The stylist stopped curling his hair and he turned to me, smiling. Carelessly. It irritated me. That feigned innocence is something I couldn’t stand.

I threw the paper on the table.

“What is this?” I demanded.

He glanced at it, his smile faltering. Eric then sighed.

“Do we really have to talk about this now? I have a scene to shoot.”

I glared. “Yes.” I seethed.

He signed again and dismissed the stylist. She looked between the two of us, but then left. Hopefully she didn’t think too much of it. If she was one of those people, I could imagine another story appearing tomorrow, one talking about us in a room together, alone, at work.

“Look Solar, I’m sorry it had to turn out this way.”

“It really was you that consented to this?”

I couldn’t believe it. It was all false. I trusted this man. It seemed all my confidence in people was disappearing. I couldn’t rely on anyone.

“You know what really happened.” I said. “How can you lie?”

Eric looked at me. “But what if it’s true?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, even more confused.

“You must feel this connection we have? It can’t be just me.”

I was speechless. Where was this all coming from?

“What are talking about?”

“Exactly. Let’s talk about it Solar.” Eric said, leaning in.

Immediately, I felt a wave of discomfort. His words, his actions, his entire being was invading my personal space. I wanted to get away.

“I don’t want to.”

I stood up, ready to go. Next time I would go with Wheein. At least I would have back up then.

“Come on Solar, open up to me.” Eric pleaded, standing up as well.

“I said I don’t want to!”

Suddenly, Eric grabbed my wrist.

“Don’t go.”

“Let me go!”

I tried to shake him off but it only tightened his grip. He shouldn’t be doing this. It was wrong. My clothes felt wrong. My skin felt tight. I just wanted to burst out of my body.

I was trapped.

All of a sudden, am ear splitting buzz shot through me. A blinding pain struck my head. I felt my legs buckle but I couldn’t comprehend what to do. It felt like her brain was about to explode. The ringing continued. I wanted it to stop. I needed it to stop.

“STOP!” I heard myself scream.

*

WHEEIN

When I heard the scream, I immediately recognised it. It’s sad to say I’ve heard it before. I ran.

“Solar!” Wheein exclaimed, hearing her shout. I threw open the door and was shocked to see what I found.

Solar was holding Eric down, her hand crushing his windpipe. His eyes looked at with panic, his hands grasping Solar’s wrist as she held him down. Eric tried to say something but he all he could offer was a gagged choke.

“Where is my client?” Solar coldly demanded.

I knew who it was. Before I was overwhelmed by my own fear, I rushed forward. I tried to pull the bodyguard away. This was an emergency.

“Ahjussi, let him go!” I exclaimed, pulling on her slim body.

However, he was unusually strong, even if he was in Solar’s body. Eric’s face was going extremely red. His eyes were dangerously bulging. He was like a rabbit, terrified, caught in the wolf’s jaws.

I jumped to face Solar, holding her face until I met her empty gaze. Anything I could to distract him from killing Eric.

“Solar, please look at me.” I desperately said.

I shivered as his coldness shot through me. I didn’t know not being seen was this impersonal.

“Look at me!” I cried.

Then, deep in the darkness was a there was a single flame.  A flicker of recognition.

“Come back.” I beseeched. “This is not you.”

Suddenly, a flame burst and Solar had risen again. The light in her eyes had returned. Solar let go of Eric, falling back. But instead, she held onto her skull, as if attempting to keep her head from splitting. I immediately take Solar into my arms and cradled her as she moaned in pain. It broke my heart hearing her pain. If only saving Solar was as easy as running towards her.

“I didn’t mean to…” Eric coughed, clutching his throat.   

I looked at Eric, sad for him. He didn’t know. He didn’t know anything.

“Good intent doesn’t always have good results.”

*

MOONBYUL

I sat in the office that was not too different from my own. Minimal, clinical. I liked it. However, in a high security psychiatric hospital, it was suitable. As a psychiatrist, I wondered for the first time if I needed to redecorate my office to appear more… welcoming.

“It’s unusual to see you twice in one day Dr Moon.”  Dr Lee said.

“I want to discharge my sister.”

Dr Lee did his best to maintain his gaze. However, as I trained professional like him, I could see through his mask. His eyes slightly widened with shock and his posture straightened. He turned into a stern headteacher.

“We can’t do that.”

“Why?”

Seulgi’s sentence was over. She didn’t have to stay in the facility anymore. I should have been able to take her home and take of her. Seulgi was taking her medication and she hadn’t had an episode or change in months. She no longer had to be punished. It was time.

“Seulgi has signed the no release form.”

This was news to be. Surely why would she actually choose to stay in this place for longer than she had to. She shouldn’t have been punished in the first place. It was torture for me.

When I entered Seulgi’s cell, she smiled at me as she usually does. As usual, it breaks my heart all over again. I’ve gotten so used to putting myself together that I knew how to fit the broken pieces together.

“When did you sign it?”

Seulgi’s smile didn’t falter, it just turned softer. Even though she was younger, she babied me as Seulgi brushed my hair, moving it from my downcast face.

“I’m going to stay here.”

“But why?”

My phone vibrated in my pocket. For once, I ignored it. Seulgi was more important. She always should have been.  

“You should live your life Byulyi without worrying about me.”

Seulgi allowing me to make amends for something I should never be forgiven for. I’ve already lived my life. We should allow her to continue hers. It wasn’t fair.

“I’m getting better. I feel safe here. Once I know I’m okay, then I’ll leave with you.”

I didn’t want to accept Seulgi’s words. I just wanted to do one thing for my sister but she wouldn’t let me.

“I don’t blame you.”

She never let me take the blame for anything. Even since then, she didn’t blame me.

Seulgi gently laughed as she suddenly wiped my cheek with her thumb. I didn’t know I had started crying.

“Seulgi.” I whimpered. I hadn’t heard my voice so unstable.

My phone rang again but once again, I didn’t care. I just wanted Seulgi to hold me because I didn’t know the next time, we could be like this. Even though I should be cradling her, it turned out, I wasn’t strong enough. Not to face her or the truth or its consequences.

“I think there are people who need you more than me.”

Even though I thought it was over, even though I though I had redeemed myself, I was wrong. I was still being punished. However, at that moment, in Seulgi’s warm embrace, I just wanted to be selfish. Only she would allow me to focus on myself. That was what got her imprisoned in the first place.

Even though they guilt was killing me, I promised that I would be stronger. Seulgi was the reason why I became a psychiatrist. I would do more work to prove myself that I was worthy to help Seulgi, my patients, and myself. As soon as I was selfless, I would be worthy of forgiveness. That was what I convinced myself. Even if it was an excuse.

A/N:

Hope everyone enjoys the chapter! Keep reading and stay healthy :D