The chopstick snapped painfully against her open palm. A welt quickly formed on the young skin, but her mother was relentless.

“You should know better.” her mother chastised. “I know you can do better.”

The young girl sniffed, her nose aching as she tried her best to stop her tears from flowing. Her lips quivered as her mother held the chopstick tightly in her hand. Suddenly, she felt a large palm cover her tiny shoulder. It was warm and reassuring.

“Come on, you’re scaring her.” her father’s gentle voice said. “You can do better.” he softly comforted, repeating similar words to her mother. “You can do it.”

SOLAR

The grass was green, the sharp blades rising high, reaching towards the sun. I shielded my eyes as I stared out into the open field. When I breathed it, the clean air filled my lungs and I let out a sigh of refreshment, the fresh air purifying my body. I wondered if this was what I felt when I took my first breath as a new-born baby. The plains stretched so far that I could only see green and blue. I couldn’t remember the last time I wasn’t in the city, inhaling the congested smog. This was a whole new experience for me.

As I stepped forward, the leaves poked the bottom of my feet, making my skin itch. It was bright and unforgivingly hot, the sun blazing down as I squashed the plants which praised the higher being. However, it didn’t bother me. I just felt excited. I couldn’t wait to begin.

“Are you ready Solar?” called the director.

I turned round and saw the dozens of crew members waiting at attention. The plains weren’t so plain anymore. The horse trainer brought Brown towards me.

“Yes.” I happily returned.

I headed up the large stool and carefully sat on Brown who patiently waited for me. The hard saddle was uncomfortable under my puffy hanbok. However, I still didn’t mind. Acting in a historical film was one of my dreams. It was an even bigger shock to find out that I was to be the lead female. In no way did I expect after two years from my acting debut that I would be able to tick off two items from my bucket list.

“Okay… Action!”

With one month of constant horse riding, I easily led Brown away from the stool and into a steady trot. Soon, we sped up and we were galloping. The wind blew and the grass waved, dancing to the steady beat of Brown’s hoofs. The breeze cooled my neck down to the tips of my hair. The sun warmed my face, filling my body with ease. Even though I was meant to be working, acting my heart out, I never felt so free.

“Okay, now Eric!”

Suddenly, another horse rode in and joined me and Brown. Eric, dressed dashingly in his male hanbok, easily guided Black next to me.

“Chun-hyang!” Eric called.

“Mong-ryong!” I returned, feigning surprise.

“Finally I found you. We should head back before your father discovers you are missing.”

“Only if you catch me!”

I laughed, giddy, as Brown broke into a sprint, his pace matching my racing heartbeat. Eric gave chase, amused as well at my antics. The line that I gave was an improvisation but I thought it matched Chun-hyang who I was portraying. In the story, she is made out to be timid and angelic, but I thought that she would also have a bit of brashness, being a village girl.

“Cut!” the director suddenly yelled.

We both slowed down our horses when we heard the mega-phone. We quickly returned to the centre of the fields where everyone was set.

“It was good, a very nice scene.” the director said. “But Solar, don’t ride as fast. The cameras can’t keep up.”

All of a sudden, I felt guilty. It was my first lead role and I was already causing trouble.

“Sorry.” I said, bowing my head down with shame.

However, the director reassured me.

“It’s fine. The chemistry was good. I like the line. Let’s go for another take.”

I couldn’t help but grin at the praise. It was mine and Eric’s first shoot together and it was going well. I didn’t have to worry about it last night. However, it’s a bit late now, especially when I only got about three hours of sleep.

The horse trainers guided the horses, and us, back to their marks. As they checked Brown and Black’s condition, I quietly sat and went through my lines. Suddenly, I felt a familiar pang between my eyes. Automatically I squint. Despite myself, a hard frown formed on my face.

“Is everything okay?” asked the director.

I immediately felt embarrassed and composed myself. I smiled back, replying, “It’s nothing. Just the sun got into my eyes.”

The director nodded in understanding and I breathe a sigh of relief. However, I’m wpndering if anyone else caught sight of it.

*

WHEEIN

I saw it. I saw the frown that pasted across Solar’s usual calm face. Being Solar’s manager for two years, and having been best friends with her for three years in university, I could easily read Solar because she expressed everything on her face. That was one of the qualities that made her a good actor. However, it also made it easy for others to pick up on Solar’s true feelings, especially if she didn’t like something. Therefore, she did her best to display a neutral expression to exude professionalism when her acting career started. However, even if others couldn’t, I could still read her. And that frown, I’ve seen it too often.

Stepping forward, I was about to ask the director for a break, but he had already called action and the pair and their horses were off again. I sighed. I could only watch with concern and hope no incidents occur.

*

MOONBYUL

I waited for Mr Lee to talk as he lied on the chaise lounge, staring up at the soft blue ceiling. It was his second session and after establishing his personality, I found that he was a quiet, thoughtful 50 year old man. However, for a slight man, he carried a lot of depth. I wanted to know how deep his thoughts could go.

“I had a dream.”

I patiently held my words. I allowed him to talk at his own pace, as slow as it was. I was trained to listen, and only to speak and prompt only when necessary.

“It was of my fiancé.” Mr Lee said. His voice was soft, but broken, like his heart. “It was of the day she came home from her final law exam. I was so nervous for her that I asked to leave work early. I prepared her favourite dinner – bibim naengmyeon – and I waited. When she came home, I immediately stood up, excited and scared. She didn’t give me a chance to ask how it went. She jumped into my arms and spotted kisses all over my face.”

Even if I only saw his profile, I could hear the lightness in his voice, lifted with happiness. Mr Lee took a quiet breath and I heard the tremble in his throat.

“Her body felt so warm. Her kisses so soft. She felt so real… I wonder why she left me.”

“She didn’t leave you Mr Lee.” I finally said.

“No?”

“No. She died from cancer.” I frankly said. I wanted to see what type of reaction I would receive from Mr Lee.

He just looked at me and said, matter of factly, “Isn’t death a type of leaving?”

 “Do you think it is?”

“Well, I’m alone now aren’t I?”

Even though I only referred to my patients with their first or last names – never both – I knew of Mr Lee’s past. He had spoken about it during our last session. He was to be married to his girlfriend of 6 years. During the journey of their relationship, they had to persevere through a lit. She waited for him to come back from the army. He waited for her when she went to law school. They lived frugally but they were never unhappy. They had each other and they always believed that good things come to those who wait. However, they didn’t expect to have to overcome another hurdle, in the form of cancer. They waited for good results but they never came. She was only 32 years old when she passed away. That was 10 years ago.

I still didn’t know her name.

“What about your family?” I asked. “Your friends?”

Mr Lee released a scoff, which accidently caught in his throat, turning into a deep chest cough. I practically felt the tar dislodge from his lungs. In his personal details, he had noted down that he was a smoker. A heavy smoker at that. I hadn’t asked if he was a smoker before his fiancé’s death, but I had the feeling that Mr Lee if he was a smoker before, he was a heavy smoker now. Every time he would come to his appointments, I could smell the smoke which clung to him, like his grief. I wondered if he wanted the same disease as his fiancé, just because it brought him closer to her.

“What family? What friends?” Mr Lee laughed. “They’ve left me long ago. They don’t care about me. She was all that I had.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Absolutely fine.”

“Really?”

 “Yes. I feel absolutely nothing.”

Mr Lee’s slightly wrinkled and scarred hand, carrying the signs of years of manual labour, covered his own chest. It was as if it was to check if there really wasn’t anything there, feeling for his own heartbeat.

“When someone leaves, they take a part of you. Bit by bit, until there’s ultimately nothing left. I have nothing left to take. She was my everything, so how can I feel anything but nothing?”

I paused and waited for Mr Lee to continue. However, he didn’t. He just lied there, looking up. I wonder if he was looking at her, or waiting for her to come back down.

“Have you been taking your medication Mr Lee?” I asked after checking my notes.

Although the cause of his depression is known, and is grief, his road of recovery has been difficult. Therapy sessions were not helping as much as doctors had hoped, so he was prescribed antidepressants. They helped, but even so, Mr Lee had a tendency to not take his antidepressants. He claimed they gave him headaches, made him sick. I knew this was possible for some patients, where side-effects were common, but I knew better. Being the third psychiatrist that Mr Lee was referred to, I knew that Mr Lee didn’t like taking his medicine because he didn’t want to get better. He wanted to stay in the same place, in the same time, before his fiancé died.

Mr Lee did feel something. However, that something wasn’t a good thing.

“What would you do if I said no?” Mr Lee answered.

I saw the side of his small, cheeky smile. It lightened my mind knowing that he could still joke, even if it was mild and about a very serious matter. It was a start.

“I can’t do anything Mr Lee but emphasise the importance of taking your medication. As much as we like to believe we can handle everything ourselves, sometimes we need to let other’s help.”  

“Okay, I’ll start taking them again. Only because it’s you Dr Moon.”

“Thank you.” I gently replied. I admit that I felt happy when he said that. It always made me glad when I knew I was involved in helping someone recover. As horrible as it sounds, it was a gratification that I enjoyed. I gave meaning to my job. I’m not compassionate enough to say that I help people just because I want to. I want to be rewarded for my kind deeds.

Mr Lee sat up and suddenly asked. “Have you got a boyfriend Dr Moon?”

I hesitated. I rarely revealed anything about my personal life, especially not to patients. However, there were those few times, for specific patients, where I made exceptions as I thought it would help with their recovery. I thought Mr Lee was one of those exceptional people.

“No, I don’t have a boyfriend at the moment.” I answered.

“Good. They’ll only leave you anyway.” he curtly said.

I inwardly sighed. It was one step forward and two steps back.

“Take your medicine Mr Lee. I’ll see you the same time next week.”

He smiled. “I look forward to it.”

*

SOLAR

The sun rays that were so welcoming were now driving me insane. We were on our third take now, this time the cameras moved to a different location to obtain footage from a different angle. The slight headache I had before had turned into a full blown migraine and I was even finding it difficult to keep my eyes opened. However, I pushed myself to keep on shooting. I was an actress with an extraordinary chance. I had to make it work. I had to be professional. I was the lead, and I had to act like it.

*

WHEEIN

I watched as Solar galloped away again. I was becoming more and more anxious. Even though Solar was delivering her lines perfectly, I could tell the expressions were forced and I think the director was becoming dissatisfied as he wasn’t getting the emotions he was looking for.

All of a sudden, Solar drew her horse to a stop. She gripped her head tightly and I felt panic rise in my chest. I was already rushing forward when the director yelled cut. However, an extra got to Solar before I could. I watched as the extra reached up to Solar, who suddenly sat up very straight.

“Don’t touch my stallion you wench.” Solar exclaimed, staring at the confused woman with disdain.

I stopped.

“Solar is fine. I think she’s finally captured the emotions.” I heard the director announce. “I like it. Let’s keep filming.”

Solar began riding again, carrying a new air of elegance. I retreated back to the shade of the tents and watched. I was too late.

However, the shoot was going excellently. Solar called out her lines, pronouncing each word as they would in ancient times, exuding a calm beauty. The director wanted to do more and more scenes to make the most of a productive day. However, I was getting anxious.

“I don’t want to marry the village governor.” Solar said on top of the still horse.

“I won’t want that either.” Eric said, portraying Mong-ryong.

“Maybe we should run away.” quietly suggested Solar.

“I would follow you to the end of this earth Chun-hyang, if it meant that I could be with you forever.”

I could see Solar’s expression change to that of confusion and I was about to jump forward.

However, I was not the only one that jumped. Before Solar could reply, Brown suddenly neighed loudly. He had had enough. Before the handlers could calm him down, the horse suddenly rose to its hind legs, removing the weight from his back. Unfortunately, that weight was Solar. She screamed and I watched as her body fell backwards onto the ground.

I dashed forward as Brown galloped away, with his trainers quickly running forward to relax him, while the other trainers ensured that Eric’s horse did not trample Solar’s fallen body. I really hoped this was all just a terrible dream.

*

SOLAR

The next thing I knew was that I was looking up at the clouds, noticing how big and blue the sky was. The back of my shoulders and my tail bone hurt. The grass blades poked the back of neck, as well as my hands. Carefully, I sat up but my head began to spin. I must have hit my head pretty badly. To get up, I shifted my weight onto my hands, but I immediately yelped with shock. The pain was so sharp it took my breath away. My right wrist throbbed and I could see that it was already red and swollen. Suddenly, I was surrounded by people, but Wheein was the first in front of me.

“Are you okay?” Wheein urgently asked as she knelt down, checking my superficial wounds.

“Are you okay?” Eric repeated, on my left side.

“I’m fine.” I forcedly smile, even though I knew I had at the very least sprained my dominant wrist.

“Someone bring Solar’s bag.” Wheein commanded. She was in manager mode, and she definitely wasn’t buying my act. “We need to go to the hospital.”

“Wheein.” I began, but she cuts me off.

“Director, will it be okay if Solar takes the rest of the day off? I’ll contact you as soon as I know about her condition.”

Sometimes I hated it when Wheein spoke about me as if I wasn’t there. I was fully capable of making my own decisions. However, in the state I was in, there was no point in arguing. I just kept my mouth shut, allowing Wheein to be my manager.

“Of course.” the director said. “Just get better Solar.”

“Thank you director.” I returned, even though I hated that I caused trouble for others, even delaying filming.

However, it was my defeat because my body decided to break on me. I allowed Wheein and Eric to help me back to our van. Eric opened the door for me and I carefully sat in the front seat, while Wheein hopped into the driver’s seat. Yet, Eric didn’t close the car door.

“I should come to the hospital with you.” he said.

“It’s fine Eric.” I replied. He was kind and sweet, but he was the other lead. “Continue your scenes. Hopefully it’s not anything too serious and we can get back to finishing the film.”

After some deliberation, Eric complied. He closed the door and he said, through the window, “Message me.”

“I will.” I said.

As we drove away, I waved at him with my good hand. He waved back until I could no longer see him in the rear view mirror.

Now that it was just me and Wheein isolated in the van, I turned to her.

“What happened?” I asked.

I watched as Wheein take in a deep breath, as if readying herself, while her eyes remained concentrated on the road.

“You fell off your horse during the shoot.”

“Really?” I gasped. I couldn’t imagine Brown doing such a thing. He was so docile. “I don’t remember.”

“Of course you don’t.” Wheein replied. “It happened so fast, no one could react. And I think you hit your head quite hard. We need to make sure you get a CT scan.”

I didn’t say anything but nodded. That would make sense. Hopefully I haven’t forgotten something else important.

*

WHEEIN

I released an exhale of relief when I saw Solar nod. I finally could breathe again. Lying always made me breathless.

*

MOONBYUL

I watched as Jin-hee paced the length of the hospital room like a caged tiger in a zoo. The 28 year old had recently awoken from a coma after a workplace accident which resulted in her falling down a flight of concrete stairs. Thankfully, she wasn’t too seriously injured, considering the circumstances. However, when Jin-hee awoke from her short coma, the medical team found that she couldn’t remember anything but her name. Even her friends and family were strangers to her. There was no longer friendship or fondness. For Jin-hee, there was only anxiety and uncertainty.

Jin-hee was obviously distraught. All Jin-hee knew for sure was that she had a broken arm and her name. Therefore, the hospital sought out my assistance.

I sat on the only chair in the white room, waiting for her to speak. I always waited for the other person to speak first.

“I can’t remember a single thing.” exasperated Jin-hee.

“There’s no need to rush.” I said. She only woke up a week ago.

“But there is! My parents keep telling me I like this, or I hate that, but I have no idea what they’re talking about. People message me but I don’t know who they are and I just reply with the same generic message. I can’t even go outside yet. It’s suffocating me.”

“Have you told your parents to give you some time to adjust?”

“How can I when they desperately want their daughter back after one months of being in a coma? How can I leave them when, after all that waiting, they finally get her back, they find that she doesn’t even recognise them. How must that feel?”

There was a look of intense anguish on Jin-hee’s face that I recognised. It was the expression people had when they started losing hope.

“How do you feel Jin-hee?”

Jin-hee looked at me, surprised. It’s as if it’s the first time someone asked her how she felt, rather than the people around her. Sometimes that happened. People care more about how the third party are affected, rather than the person who is the victim.

Finally, Jin-hee sat down on her bed. However, she clasped her face in her hands, as if she was trying to hold herself. She was starting to feel despair. I witnessed it all and I waited.

“It’s like, I’m dreaming.” Jin-hee muttered. “Every time I try to reach into myself and pull out anything that resembles me, it slips through my fingers like sand. Just as I’m about to catch my memories, I wake up. When I try to close my eyes, to see it again, to feel it again, it’s already gone. And I’m here, in this reality, this hell, where I can’t even recognise my own mother.”

Jin-hee’s voice caught in as she pushed down her urge to cry. “I just want to know who I am.”

“Jin-hee.”

She glanced up at me. I knew she thought I was too young to be a psychiatrist. I saw the doubtful expression when I first came into her room and introduced myself. However, Jin-hee looked at me like everything depended on what I had to say next.

“Even people with all their memories don’t know who they are.”

I offered a comforting smile. She understood Jin-ee’s frustrations, as well as her parents’ fears. They all just needed time to readjust.

“Take each day as they are Jin-hee and I’ll see you next week at the same time.”

She thanked me and I exited the room. The session ended exactly after an hour and I moved quickly to my car. I had to get back to the office before the end of office hours. I just had to.

I drove quickly, but carefully, back to the office building. I breezed through the waiting room and saw that I made it in time. There was no one in the waiting room.

“Do I have anyone else for today?” I asked Soo-ji, my receptionist.

“No Dr Moon.”

I nodded and I walked into my office. It was nearly 6 pm and I began to pack my things. There’s was a knock on my door and Soo-ji poked her head through. I expected her to bid her farewells as she usually does, but instead she looked worried.

“There’s someone to see you Dr Moon.” she said.

I was confused. But Soo-ji continued, “They don’t have an appointment.”

I glanced at my digital clock. It was 17:55. My hands twitched as I try to control my agitation.

“Can you tell them to make an appointment? Or to come by tomorrow?”

“They said it was urgent.”

I glanced at the clock again. It was 17:58. My skin pricked as uncomfortable builds inside me.

“She said that you knew her.”    

“Who is it?” I quickly asked.

“She said her name was Wheein.”

Even though my hands were clammy with sweat, my body froze. I stared past Soo-ji and into the waiting area, where I imagined Wheein would be standing.

“Let her in.”

Well, this is the edited chapter! Thank you for everyone's interest and patience! I should be uploading the next chapter by tomorrow ^^