Laughter circled around the group of girls as they giggled at some random story or indecent joke. Honestly, she wasn’t paying attention. She just kept her head down, her gaze on the ground, as she hurried past hoping with all her might that the girls wouldn’t turn to look at her.

 

“Hey Elephant!”

 

She felt her heart jump and heat instantly rushed to her cheeks. She did her best to pretend she didn’t hear the girl’s taunt. However, she couldn’t help but bring the books in front of her, closer to her chest – her subconscious effort to hide her large torso.

 

“Where are you stomping off to?” one of the girls called after her.

 

It was cruel but she should have gotten used to it by now. However, after months of this abuse, she just couldn’t build a resistance. Instead, she just did what was best - walk away as fast as she could. 

 

“Oh god, look at her thighs shake. How gross!”

 

Their malicious laughter rang in her ears, even though they were far behind her. Shame quickly manifested into hot tears and they fell down her round face. Frustration made her arms quiver as she resisted throwing her books onto the floor. She hurried to the classroom where she would dump her books and head to the bathroom where she frequently retreated to sob alone.

 

Sometimes suffering is just suffering. It doesn’t build character, it doesn’t make you stronger. It just hurts.

 

DECAL

 

Comani rushed to the door when it rang. She’s so sweet, always doing her best. It was cute to watch her. I don’t remember when I met her but I knew instantly she was a nice person and I wanted her as my friend. Then, as if fate had planned it out, this beautiful girl became my best friend, and I was hers. We were each other’s guardian angel. We were each other’s mirror image. Without her, I wouldn’t know what I would look like. Who knows how my high school life would have been.

 

However this was the first time Comani had invited someone over. This was the first time I knew about her having any other friend other than me. Strangely, I felt a stirring in my chest. Even though Comani was there, I felt lonely. It was a new and unsettling emotion.

 

Yet that changed as soon as I saw her.  

 

Instantly I perked upright from my slouched position. The way she strolled in, I knew she was the type of girls that carried herself and didn’t care about what people thought of her. A rarity in high school girls. She had an unapproachable aura that drew others in.

 

When she smiled at me, my heart stopped, like I was the chosen one, blessed by her presence. I was an angel, but she was god.  

 

“This is Moonbyul, my friend from middle school. Sorry for not letting you know she was coming but she needed to get away from her home.”

 

Her small smile was like a delicate flower. I thought if I held it too tightly, I would crush its beauty. I wondered what her smile was hiding. What type of people were around her that could make such a beautiful smile. I knew I had issues with my family. There were no photos of them anywhere in my apartment and they never called me. I was abandoned. At least, that’s the only logical explanation. A nerve in my eyebrow twitched and I stopped thinking about it. I shouldn’t pry about her family history, even if it’s in my head.

 

“Not at all, please make yourself at home.” I said. “Nice to meet you Moonbyul.”

 

“Nice to meet you So-”

 

She cuts herself off and she glanced at Wheein. Moonbyul cleared and looked at me again. I wished she didn’t stare at me so earnestly because it felt like my chest was going to explode.

 

“Nice to meet you Decal.” 

 

The way she said my name was smooth and went through my ears and down my throat like melted chocolate. She sat across from me and Comani easily started conversation which I tried to pay attention to. However, every time she met my gaze I would furiously blush and act positively awkward and I would berate myself internally. Yet I wanted to know about her more, more than anyone else I’ve ever met.

 

I finally understood what people meant by having a ‘crush’.

 

“So what school do you go to?” I shakily asked, finally my first question directed towards Moonbyul.

 

She wavered but Comani jumped in.

 

“She goes to Seocho Girls High.”

 

“Oh that’s quite far from here then.” I said.

 

“Yes, I live around that area.” Moonbyul said. “I used to live in Bucheon but we moved.”

 

“Why did you move?”

 

Moonbyul hesitated and my breath caught in my throat when I saw it. It was brief, a fleeting moment, but it impacted me so deeply. I recognised it because I always saw it on my face, when I looked at my reflection. Behind those bright eyes, for a flash, was a deep loneliness that only other lonely people can recognise. However, that smile put a lid on the box, hid away the darkness which I witnessed.

 

“Due to family matters, we moved.”

 

Before an awkward silence fell, because I didn’t know how to respond, Comani took charge of the flow of the conversation again. She really was my guardian angel.

 

We talked and talked. It wasn’t about much, almost about nothing, but we managed to just enjoy each other’s company. I discovered Moonbyul’s likes and dislikes, her interests, food preferences… they were all similar to mine. It felt so comfortable yet exciting.

 

However, even though Moonbyul made me feel on edge, my eyes soon felt dry and my eyelids heavy. I caught my yawn. But I wasn’t the only one.

 

“I think it’s getting late. I should go home.” Moonbyul said.

 

“No, no it’s okay.” I quickly replied. “You and Comani can stay the night. I don’t want you travelling late by yourself.”

 

She smiled and again I felt the urge to hold her. That urge had grown since knowing, potentially, she could be similar to me more than anyone else. Even more than Comani. It was a terrifying thought, letting someone else in. Were crushes always this intense?

 

“Thank you Decal. I hope I’m not imposing.”

 

“It’s fine. As long as you don’t mind sharing the bed with Comani.”

 

“Oh I couldn’t take your bed.”

 

“It’s fine. You guys are the guests.”

 

Her reluctant face was cute, but I insisted so strongly that she couldn’t help but accept. I gave Comani and Moonbyul my spare pyjamas and we got changed. When I saw her, I realised how good she looked. I wondered if any of my other clothes would look good on her.

 

“Night.” Comani said.

 

“Night.” I said in return.

 

“Goodnight.” Moonbyul softly spoke.

 

The way she said that word was so different from Comani. I wanted to always hear it before I went to bed. The last thing I hear before I fall asleep, dreaming of her.

 

“Goodnight.” I replied.

 

The two entered my bed and closed the door. Even though it was quiet, I was now fully awake with thoughts of Moonbyul, sleeping in my bed. Yet when I finally closed my eyes, even with a pounding heart, I fell asleep. My last thought was how Moonbyul would greet me in the morning.

 

*

 

WHEEIN

 

I opened the Solar’s bedroom door. Carefully I stepped towards the sofa, and as expected, Solar was in a deep slumber.

 

“She fell asleep quickly.” I said.

 

Moonbyul followed me and stared down at Solar. I wondered if she knew how gentle she looked while looking down at the actress. I wondered if that was how I looked, when I gazed at her.

 

“I think mentally, it must be tiring for her brain to maintain all her different personalities, while suppressing her memories. Eventually it’s going to be detrimental to her physical health.”

 

Even though I knew this, when Moonbyul voiced it out loud, I felt my heart pound. My chest scrambled together in a cluster of anxiety. That feeling of helplessness was all too familiar. I suddenly didn’t want Moonbyul there, the person who could read me like a book. I wanted to keep my pages closed,

 

“You can go home.”

 

“Are you sure it’s okay to leave?” asked Moonbyul.

 

The way Moonbyul responded so quickly, I felt rather disgruntled. Did she always act like this with a patient? Did she turn her head like a meerkat when she heard news about me? Was she concerned for Solar as a patient or something more? I couldn’t help but feel suspicious. Especially from the way she was acting earlier, how easily her eyes found and lingered on Solar. I know Moonbyul is a good person, but I didn’t want any more trouble for Solar. She’s already having a tough life as it was. And a scandal was something Solar needed the least.

 

“It’s fine.” I replied. “She’s already asleep. I’ll keep an eye on her for tonight.”

 

Moonbyul finally nodded and headed towards her door.

 

“Wait, you’re still wearing Solar’s clothes.”

 

Surprised, Moonbyul stopped. “You’re right.”

 

“Actually, just keep them. She won’t notice.”  

 

She hesitated but she agreed. “I’ll wash them before I return them to you.”

 

Wrapping herself in her massive padded jacket, Moonbyul bid goodnight to me.

 

“Thank you for coming tonight Moonbyul.” I said, even though I wondered if she came for me.

 

“It’s nothing, it’s my job.” she replied. I thought she was trying to convince herself, rather than me. “Call me if anything happens.”

 

I nodded and closed the door when she left. I sighed then because I knew it would be my turn to move Solar to the bed. Having performed the act many times before, I knew the weight of Solar’s full body. It’s as heavy as the thoughts that weighed on my mind.

 

*

 

SOLAR

 

I jolted awake. I was in my bed. I knew something was wrong. It was the fact that there weren’t any clothes scattered across my room as there normally was, and the fact that there was light shining through the curtains. The last thing I remembered was that I was falling onto my sofa. Groggily I grabbed my phone and just as I feared, it was the next morning.

 

There was a post-stick note on the bed.

 

I found you on the sofa.

Please don’t overwork yourself.

I left a script for you in the living room.

 

Wheein x

 

A gleam of joy shined through me. Wheein, instead of my manager, was like my guardian angel. I wouldn’t know what to do without her. I couldn’t believe we’ve been working together for over three years now. It seemed like yesterday when I first met her, when my past agency introduced me to her. Now, as a freelancer, Wheein still decided to stick with me, which I was forever grateful, and slightly sorry, for. She could be working with someone far better than me, from a solid agency. However, she was beside a rookie actress who really didn’t know anything.

 

I remember that day I was forced to resign. It was during the time where I had so many frequent migraines and fainting spells that I could barely go to work, let alone the rare auditions. Amongst the medical appointments and referrals, I barely had time to answer the phone, which was usually the CEO screaming voice, asking why I didn’t go to another audition. However, if I was knocked out, there was no way I could go to the auditions, even if Wheein drove me. And even after all the check-ups, the doctors could not diagnose my condition. By then, it was too late. The CEO called me to his office. I broke down crying, knowing exactly what his facial expression meant. I begged but he just berated me, saying that in all his career he has never met such an ungrateful actress like me. Then, my contract which I worked so hard to obtain, was ripped in front of me, made obsolete like I was. People say the worst thing is not reaching your dream. However, they don't know the pain of having the dreams in your hands, only for it to be ripped from your tight grip. 

 

Yet, even after all that, Wheein still chose to leave with me. I was sent through a spiral of despair but Wheein was still there. With Wheein’s support, I was able to eventually go to a new doctor who prescribed a new anti-migrainal drug which actually did reduce my migraine attacks. Nevertheless, this drug was expensive and to receive the medication, I had to work. And Wheein got me the work. I don’t know how she did it, but she made a good-for-nothing like me, get multiple acting jobs. I’m even a lead in a small film, which I would have thought would be unbelievable where I was three years ago. It was all because of Wheein.

 

Suddenly, a shock of anxiety made my stomach turn. Selfishly, I hoped Wheein never left me. I didn’t want to be alone. Never again.

 

As I sat there, gradually waking up, another wave hit me that made me sweat, like I’ve forgotten something dire. When I checked my phone, I knew exactly what it was. I rushed to dial her number.

 

The phone rang a few times. A lump formed in my throat which I tried to swallow. Moonbyul would never want to talk to me again. That’s what I thought and that made my chest tighten. It continued to ring, and I knew I had blown my chance to become her friend. It was over.

 

Just when I was about to hang up, I heard her voice.

 

“Solar?”

 

I wanted to hear her say my name again, but instead, I replied.

 

“Yes.” as if to say it’s me. Look at me. Listen to me. Recognise me.

 

“How are you?” Moonbyul quietly asked.

 

Her voice was just as smooth over the phone as it was in person.

 

“I’m fine.” I quietly replied. “I just wanted to say I’m very sorry about yesterday.”

 

“It’s fine.” she returned, a simple answer which most people said when they either didn’t really mind, or when they were hiding their complicated thoughts which couldn’t be put into words. I wondered what Moonbyul was thinking about.

 

“As long as you’re okay.”

 

Those words turned a switch which lit my insides. Never have I felt so gleeful with such simple words.

 

“I want to make it up to you.” I said. “Please, come to my house tonight. I’ll cook you dinner.”   

 

The pause in the phone was astounding. I could not believe how much I wanted to hear someone speak. She was the siren and I was the sailor, and she was luring me in. I just hoped it wouldn’t be to my doom.

 

“Okay.” I suddenly heard.

 

And just like that, I was trapped. However, I couldn’t have been more thrilled.

 

*

 

MOONBYUL

 

Jin-soo didn’t say anything. The recently turned 20 year old sat there, silent, his arms crossed, his massive black hoodie blanketing over him. My eyes glanced to his hands, how they tightly held over his wrists, even though his loose sleeves covered them greatly. His entire body language screamed he didn’t want to be there, which I knew was true.

 

I remember when two parents almost burst into my office and before long, they broke down into sobs when I sat them down. They begged me to help their son to get better and their desperation was like a fish splashing in a drying puddle.

 

Finally, after a long bout of trying to get Jin-soo to sign the consent form, I finally was able to see him face to face and if I didn’t know any better, I would not have picked this young man to be the one to have cut his wrists multiple times, drawing so much blood that he might as well have a permanent bed in his local hospital. His handsome young face stared at the clipboard in my hands. I saw his fingers tighten around his wrists. When someone thinks the world is judging him, you become suspicious of everyone.

 

“It’s nice to finally meet you Jin-soo.”

 

He looked up at me and I realised that even his sharp features could not hide the dark bags under his large eyes, the type that was evidence of many sleepless nights. 

 

“I’m Dr Moon. You can call me Moonbyul if you like.”

 

I saw his mouth open but he stopped. I could literally feel the words become entangled in his throat, the way his Adam’s apple bobbed. Jin-soo swallowed and looked down. He wasn’t ready.

 

“Can you tell me about yourself?” I try to make it sound as less patronising as a can.

 

Jin-soo doesn’t answer. I looked at me and he couldn’t even meet my eyes.

 

“Do you want to be here Jin-soo?”

 

He shifted in the couch, but doesn’t say anything. Jin-soo wasn’t the first patient to not say anything in a session, and nor would he be the last, but I think he was definitely one of the few who were most unwilling. However, there’s always one single reason that outweighs everything and makes my patients come to me. My sessions aren’t cheap. I would like to say they were – they definitely were amongst the more modest priced consultations – but the building fees were expensive. The only universal language is money and from the moment I saw Jin-soo’s parents – their worn clothes and callused palms – I knew the single reason which brought Jin-soo to my office. And I had 52 minutes left of the hour session. I had to make it worthwhile. 

 

“You know, I used to be a practising surgical doctor in a hospital and it’s amazing what people go through to stay alive.”

 

Jin-soo again didn’t respond but I didn’t expect him to. It was enough that he listened.

 

“A human’s body has a million defence mechanisms to fight off bad things and even if you lose everything else, your body's main priority is keeping you alive. When you’re drowning, your body pumps as much blood carrying oxygen around your veins, as much as it can possibly fit. When there’s a billion bacteria trying to invade your skin, there’s a billion more particles keeping them out. Until that final beat, your heat keeps pushing. It’s pretty intense. That there’s so many systems there, innately in your being, trying to keep you here.”

 

It takes a second, when I stopped talking, for Jin-soo to meet my gaze. They’re wide like his father’s, but a light brown like his mother’s, and amongst his deep eyes was a mix of wildness. It reminded me of a deer that doesn’t know whether to hide or run, in front of an approaching car.

 

“Maybe, it would be nice to start being kind to yourself.”

 

*

 

HWASA

 

I poked between her eyebrows, at the crease that formed.

 

“Worrying is going to give you wrinkles.”

 

Wheein looked at me and smiled, but I knew better. She was still concerned about something, from the way she twirled her glass of beer.

 

“Tell me sweetheart, what is a pretty lady doing here all alone?”

 

She stared at me incredulously as I simply wiped my glass, acting like the bartenders we saw in the films. A giggle bursts out of her like a firework, just as bright.

 

“Well, I’m not alone am I? I have a pleasant bartender keeping me company while she opens up shop.”

 

“Just pleasant?”

 

“Don’t push it.”

 

I smirked. Wheein always lived up to my banter, knowing when to push my buttons, and when to avoid them all together.

 

“So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” I asked.

 

“Not today.”

 

My heart stopped so fast my hand froze mid-way cleaning the glass. It was like she dangled a treat in front of me, and I jumped to bite, but she pulled away at the last minute. However, Wheein doesn’t notice. She was still staring at her half-empty glass. Was it possible to feel this hurt from two simple words?

 

“It’s just something to do with work. Don’t worry about it.”

 

We changed the subject and talked about different topics, but Wheein’s words still rung in my head. How could I not worry, when she was worrying? I wish I had an answer for myself, rather than just pretending not to notice.

 

*

 

MOONBYUL

 

Anxious is an understatement when I heard the alarming sounds coming from Solar’s apartment. I urgently thumped on the door with my tightly clenched fist as the fire alarm continued to ring from the apartment. When the door flew open, I was hit by the overwhelming scent of burning, as if I walked straight into a wall of smoke.

 

“I’m so sorry.” gasped Solar, before rushing back inside.

 

Coughing, waving away the trails of grey, I entered the home. I rush to throw open the balcony door. I couldn’t help but release a gasp of shock as Solar threw the black pot into the sink. A hiss of defiant came from the dark mass as it was flushed with cold water.

 

Solar looked at me, hair askew and flustered. My heart pulsed. Flowers were pretty, even with a couple of petals missing.  

 

“Should we order in?” I said.

 

Solar smiled, agreeing earnestly.

 

It was awkward sitting at a table in which I had to pretend I wasn’t there before. Solar bustled around the kitchen, emptying the takeout boxes into dishes. She laid them out in front of me, as earnest as you can with take-away Chinese food.  

 

“I’m really sorry about this.” Solar said rather abashedly. “I tried to make something from a recipe I found online but I fell asleep and…”

 

“It’s fine, I love Chinese food.” I honestly answered.

 

Solar sighed in relief. “That’s good. I’m glad our tastes are similar.”

 

“I agree.”

 

There’s some silence as we get settled, dotted with words of affirmation for the ordered food. However, even though we weren’t saying much, it felt oddly comfortable. Perhaps it was the food, and the strangelyy paired glass of red wine, but I felt relaxed. More relaxed than I’ve done in a long time. And it seemed Solar was definitely relaxing with her growing rosy cheeks. It was strangely endearing.

 

“What is this bracelet?” Solar suddenly asked, pointing to the red and gold bracelet around my wrist. It’s an item that I rarely remove.

 

“My mother gave it to me.” I said, holding out my wrist. Her fingers tentatively touch it, her fingertips just grazing the epidermis layer of my skin. Even though it was just the top, her fluttery touch penetrated deep within me.

 

“My mother also has one.” I continued. “And… my younger sister.”

 

“Do you have siblings?”

 

I didn’t have time to reply because Solar suddenly dropped her spoon, causing some sauce to splatter. I quickly stood up and dabbed at the spot on Solar’s jumper with a knapkin. I was used to doing this; my sister would do the same when she couldn’t hold her cutlery properly.

 

Leaning across the table, I didn’t realise how close my face was to hers, until I felt Solar’s on eyelashes. I looked up and saw Solar’s eyes on me. I didn’t know eyes could shine so brightly. It was like looking at the sun, blinding and yet, warming.

 

Suddenly, Solar’s eyes scrunch closed and I was broken from trance. She grasped her forehead and I sat back down.

 

“Are you okay?” I asked, from a distance. However, my concern closed the gap between us.

 

“I just have a bit of a headache. It should go soon. I get them all the time.”

 

“How long has that happened?”

 

“Maybe… two years now.”

 

Two years was a long time. I saw her jaw clench and I knew instantly she was in great pain.

 

“Just rest Solar. I’ll clean up.”

 

“I can’t let you do that. You’re my guest.”

 

“It’s fine. I have two working wrists.”

 

I knew Solar felt bad, but her pain must have been high on the scale as she carefully padded towards her sofa. Another thing that was high was my urge to help Solar. I’m sure it was just my instinct, as a healthcare professional. That’s what I thought as I tried my best to push down that impulse. I took an oath to help patients to the best of my abilities, to put there care at first. Although, I'm not sure cleaning plates was part of it. 

 

Methodically I cleared the dishes until her dining table was spotless. I looked over and Solar was fast asleep on the sofa. Slowly, I head towards her and kneel down in front of her. Relaxed, her cheeks seemed even more pinch-able, her lips forming a small pout. I saw the shine on her lips which I wasn’t sure was from her lip-gloss, saliva, or the oil from the noodles we just had. All I knew was that I wanted to wipe it clean. With what, I didn’t know.

 

I hesitantly touched her arm. She felt so cold. Immediately, I entered Solar’s bedroom and saw a lone blanket on top of her duvet. It was surprisingly colourful and looked quite old. However, it was clean and unexpectedly soft. The perfect blanket to do the job of keeping Solar warm.

 

*

 

DOREMI

 

I stared at the pretty auntie who held my favourite rainbow blanket.

 

“You’re awake.” she stated, heading towards me.

 

“That’s my blanket.” I bluntly said.

 

She stopped.

 

“Who are you?” I asked.

 

“I’m Moonbyul.” she answered.

 

“Byulie.” I said, giving her a new nickname. It was easier to say.

 

“Where are my parents?”

 

I noticed Byulie hesitate but then she smiles, like the hosts on the children’s TV show.

 

“They’re out, but they hired me to babysit you. You fell asleep while watching a film before I arrived. They’ll be back soon.”

 

I’m relieved, realising that Mum and Dad were probably on a date, and I was once again left at home.

 

"I want sweets."

 

"You shouldn't have sweets before bedtime."

 

"But I want sweets!"

 

"No you cannot have sweets. It's bad for your teeth." 

 

Byulie sounded just like Mummy, and I hated it. I felt my mouth twitch and tears sting my eyes. Tears quickly fell down my cheeks and my mouth curved into a deep frown. A sob escaped from my mouth. 

 

"Okay, okay." Byulie rushed. "I'll give you a sweet." 

 

Immediately my crocodile tears stopped. My Mummy always said I should be an actress. 

 

"But just one."

 

I agreed. Sometimes it was too easy. 

 

After Byulie made me brush my teeth after my sweet, I suddenly felt super tired. She sat next to me ob the sofa and sighed, like Mummy does after a long day. 

 

“I want to sleep on my bed.”

 

“Okay.” Byulie said.

 

She took my hand and led me to my bedroom. She had small hands, because they fit into mine perfectly. I jump onto the bed and I yawn immediately when my head hits the pillow. Byulie draped my rainbow blankie over me, and my eyelids felt so heavy. She walked towards the door and was about to turn off the light.

 

“Don’t switch off the light.” my quiet voice said.

 

Byulie hesitated, looking at me.

 

“I don’t like the dark.”

 

She nodded, and carefully dimmed the light instead. She again turns to leave the room. I suddenly felt so lonely.

 

“I don’t sleeping alone.” I called out.

 

Byulie quickly returned to the room, but hesitated at the door frame.

 

“I’m scared.”

 

My whimper brought Byulie towards me. Before I know it, her body fits next to me. I snuggled into her, and even though her body was stiff, it felt so comfortable. So comfortable that I almost instantly fell asleep, before her arm carefully draped, like my protective blankie.

 

*

 

SOLAR

 

The smell of coconut awoke me. It’s sweet yet musky, like a warm summer’s day. After another dreamless sleep, it was strange being alerted with the new smell. I wasn’t sure when I fell asleep – probably from a deep food coma. I was even unsure when Moonbyul left, but I hoped she enjoyed her stay. I certainly did.

 

Little did I know, when my eyes fluttered open, I would come face to face with Moonbyul’s sleeping face.

 

I jumped up, sitting next to her. Moonbyul stirred but remained sleeping. Questions tornado-ed into my head, sweeping aside any reason.

 

What was she doing here? When did she come inside my bedroom? What did I say to her last night? How on earth did she end up in my bed?

 

I stared at her for what seemed like an eternity, wondering whether to wake her or not, thinking about how she would react. Realising that I was gazing at her, I noticed the minute details of her face. Her lashes clustered together like spider legs. Eyeliner pooled under her eyes like she hadn’t slept for a thousand years. Her foundation spotted on her pores like tiny snowflakes. Red lipstick smeared across her cheek like a lash. It was far from a perfect face like Moonbyul’s usual professional appearance.

 

However, each imperfection made her perfect.

 

Again Moonbyul stirred. I froze, expected her to wake, but this time, she muttered something.

 

“… Seulgi.”

 

It was barely a whisper, but that was all it took for my heart to shudder like an earthquake and I dropped between the crevices, deep into the blackest depths. All of a sudden, I truly wanted Moonbyul out of my house.

 

I shook Moonbyul’s shoulder, not gently like a lover, but firmly as if she was imposing. Her eyes opened and I saw the way the sleepiness clouded her eyes. Regret is like a blanket, it covers your eyes from reality, making you almost forget what was done to you before your actions. However, the truth is, behind that blanket, life is still happening. You just can’t see it’s leaving you behind.

 

Now fully awake, Moonbyul jumped away from me, as if I was disgusting. I suppose I would appear to be that, if I wasn’t the person in her heart.  

 

“I-I-“ stuttered Moonbyul.

 

“It’s okay.” I hear myself saying. “I know you got tired after dinner and I must have insisted you stay. It’s only right to help by doctor, who has helped me so much. You don’t need to explain.”

 

Tears stung the corner of my eyes as the lies pricked my vision. I wasn't an actress for nothing. It was my profession to hide my true feelings and replace it with a mask. 

 

Moonbyul accepted my explanation and she quickly gathered herself. Like a whirlwind, Moonbyul zoomed through my home, until she was ready to leave. Then, with a quick goodbye, Moonbyul closed the door, like I closed myself to any opportunity for anything more.

 

*

 

MOONBYUL

 

The only sounds that filled the silence were the clicking chopsticks and crunching of food. Awkward was an understatement for the dinner. It was a striking difference to the dinner I had yesterday.

 

“How is she?” my mother suddenly asked.

 

I’m surprised she was the one that brought up the taboo topic. I’m a psychiatrist and even my conversational skills could initiate the conversation. I glanced at my mother. I wondered what she was hiding behind her expressionless mask. Even though it was an off-handed question, it was heavy with meaning.

 
“She’s fine.” I replied, looking back down at my rice bowl. “You should visit her.”

 

I didn’t want to see if my mother’s expression changed. Even if it did, it would have meant no different. Most likely it wouldn’t have, after years of mastering the art of subduing her emotions. I remember when I was going through my foundation training for psychiatry, we were told that we should remain professional at all times. I was exceptional in our professional workshops.

 

However, I think if my mother and I were in the same class, she would be a far better student that I was.

 

“You know me and your father are busy with the business.”

 

It was a poor excuse and we both knew it. However, what did I expect? It was always the business, even before everything happened. You can’t put a piece of paper together once it’s been torn.

 

I felt the familiar swell of anger build in chest like a swollen insect bite. It’s an itch that I can’t help scratch.

 

“I think she’s ready to come home.”

 

I already knew I was starting an argument but I couldn’t help it. I heard my mother stop and the clink of her chopsticks on her bowl.

 

“Byulyi, we talked about this.”

 

My eyes met hers and it’s the blank slate. The clean white paper which I wished to screw up and throw away.

 

“She can’t just stay in there.” I said. I feel my voice raising. “She’s better now. Especially with the medi-”

 

“Stop.”

 

Her voice struck a chord, one that I buried a long time ago. However, I guess it wasn’t deep enough because her stern voice made the anger quickly disappear, instantly replaced by defeat. Even when we try our best to hide something, the past still exists. It’s just a matter of time before someone brings it out. In my profession, we call in trauma.

 

“We can’t.”

 

I knew what that meant. It wasn’t that they couldn’t. It was that they didn’t have a desire to.

 

“She can live with me.”

 

“How? You have a full time job. You don’t have the time to look after her.” she reasoned.

 

Once a judge, always a judge.  

 

“I’ll make it work.”

 

“Byulyi-”

 

Finally, the subdued anger burst through again. I abruptly stand up, slamming on the table like a child having a tantrum.

 

“She’s my sister!”

 

“And she’s my daughter!”

 

It was like a pulled back the veil and for a slimmer of a moment, I finally saw my mother. A middle-aged woman who built her career, while trying to be a loving wife and a caring mother. However, she wasn’t superwoman. Something had to give.

 

She regained her composure and so did I. We both sit down, returning to our trained, focussed states. I guess I learnt from the best.

 

“It’s better for everyone, especially her, if she stays there.” my mother said. “She can receive proper treatment. She always has help.”

 

“What good is it if her family can’t even give her help? We can’t even support her.”

 

It came as a whisper but I know, a whisper can be as powerful as a punch. It just depends on how strong your words are. However, even if my words were a jab, my mother doesn’t react.

 

“I know how you feel Byulyi, but it’s for the best.”

 

It was for the best, but for whose sake?

 

Blood is thicker than water but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t run dry like water does. Even though we are family, I couldn’t do anything. Even though I became a psychiatrist just for her, she couldn’t get better. Not everything works out. We just have to pretend it does.

 

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I'm baaaaaaack! I'm so so so soooo sorry it took so long to write this! My training year was far too busy, but it's finally over and my results are tomorrow morning! (Please pray for me!) 

Thank you to all the peeps that have remained subscribed and hello to those new to the story - I am always grateful for the support! Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter, and please leave a comment :D (Hopefully the next chapter won't be as long)