Blood trickled down her hands, cascading off her fingertips, like the tears that fell from her face. She wanted to move. She wanted to stop looking. Yet, she could only see the man’s skull, that was caved in. He was dead. All because of her.

She woke up from the nightmare in a cold sweat. Nausea hit her like the brick, and she ran to the bathroom. She splashed the freezing water on her face and looked at herself in the mirror. The haggard expression that stared back was how she felt. She repeated the mantra she had been saying to herself.

She didn’t mean to do it. She didn’t mean to. She didn’t do it. She didn’t.  

However, staring at her clean hands, she could still feel the stickiness of the warm blood. It clung to her like the feeling of guilt. She washed her hands furiously, until her skin was raw. Stripped of any attachment to that night. She would never repeat those events to anyone ever again. Even if it killed her.  

SOLAR

When I woke up, I was somewhere I didn’t recognise. Slowly I sat up, clinging to my throbbing head. I glanced around and I realised I was in a dressing room. I wasn’t sure how I ended up on the sofa, but it’s not the first time I’ve woken up somewhere odd. I thought about finally getting my concerns seen to, but with my constant demotivation and busy schedule, I kept delaying it. 

Steadily, I stood up. I’m about to open the door but then I hear voices. I paused when I heard my name.  

“Can you believe Solar’s outburst?” someone said. "I heard the yelling outside the door. It sounded like they were having a fight." 

“It’s a good thing she’s pretty.” The other person replied.

“I wonder how Eric reacted.”

“Knowing him, I bet he was really nice.”

“Maybe it was a lover’s spat!”

“Do you believe that article?”

“I would like it if it wasn’t true. Then, I could at least try to get Eric’s attention.”

“Please, even if they weren’t dating, there is no chance he would even look at you.”

The voices laughed and they continued their banter as they headed down the corridor. Their presence faded but I didn’t even want to leave the room. I didn’t want to see anyone. I’ve always wondered what people thought about me behind closed doors. When I got my wish, my desire changed. If all doors were open, then at least people would think twice before thoughtlessly saying whatever they wanted. Words enlighten but can also hurt. Especially written words.

I thought back to the article and my confrontation with Eric. I really didn’t know what to do or how to act around him anymore.

If Wheein was here she would know what to do.

If Moonbyul was here, she may not know what to do, but at least she would listen to me.

From all the times I woke up from my fainting spells, Moonbyul would somehow appear next to me. I had come to expect her there. Moonbyul would hold me. Not with her arms but with the warm words. They always reassured me. Even if I was anxious, scared, her voice would encircle me and remind me where to place my feet. She helped me stand and look at myself with new respect.

However, her absence also reminded me how insignificant I was. I was just a patient. I was nothing more. She’s made that clear over and over again. Yet, if my feelings are a mistake, like a record, I want to play it over and over again. Eventually the needle of pain will have smoothed over the grooves so I am blank all over.

*

HWASA

In the small hall, vacated for the weekly event, I sat in one of the plastic chairs in the intimate circle. It was my first meeting and I was nervous to say the least. There were a few empty spaces but from the twenty chairs, there was more people than I expected. Thankfully, the seat next to me is filled. Moonbyul nodded at me encouragingly.

“Thank you for making today’s meeting.” said Hyunwoo, the facilitator of the meeting. “I can see we have a couple of new faces today. To start of with, let’s introduce ourselves. I’ll start. Good afternoon, my name is Hyunwoo and I have been teetotal for nearly seven years. Next please.”

The person to Hyunwoo’s left stood and said their introduction. One by one the circle closed in and then it was my turn to stand. I cleared my throat, my skin pricking with all the eyes on me. It even more nerve-wracking than when I stood on the stage at my bar. At least there was alcohol to distract the onlookers. Here, everyone was much too sober for my liking.

I cleared my throat. “My name is Hwasa. It’s been one week since I’ve had a drink. I’m a singer. And I own a bar.”

Gasps resounded through the hall. The only person, other than Moonbyul, who isn’t surprised is Hyunwoo. He simply smiled kindly.

“Thank you Hwasa. Does anyone want to start the session?” Hyunwoo asked.

An older woman put up her hand. Her name was June. She had smile lines and crows’ feet. Marks of a joyous life. I wondered how she ended here.  

“Today I saw my son after five days. Even though it hasn’t been a week, I can’t believe how much he’s grown. He said he likes school a lot and that living with his grandmother is fun. But he asked me when I was coming home and I said only when I’m better again. Yet, when I see his face, my resolve weakens. I just want to be with my son, and not at my flat. But after that one time, I can’t bring myself to look after him alone.”

“Well done June.” Hyunwoo praised. “It’s hard when we come to those who may not understand our circumstances. We are constantly faced with temptations and we might find ourselves being weak. However, you showed us that you can be strong, even when it involves the ones we love. You knew that if you went back too soon, you might relapse. It takes a strong person to realise the flaws they have and recognise they need more time and to speak on it. Thank you for sharing that story June.”

Everyone clapped and I joined in. Soon, stories are shared and we all listen respectfully. People who haven’t touched a drink for two years. A person that relapsed yesterday and had a shot of soju. Someone that got drunk last week and couldn’t remember turning off their stove and how they could have died in their own house. People that were there in support because they’ve had enough of seeing their friend in a puddle of their own vomit. It turned out, everyone had their own struggles, despite all the different appearances. For once, I felt I had something in common. I was not the only one that wasn’t perfect.

“Hwasa, did you want to share something?” Hyunwoo asked.

I thought for a moment. “I’m not sure what to talk about.”

“It can be about anything. What you’ve been feeling, any event that’s happened.”

I didn’t answer. Finding something to talk about, in a room of strangers, was difficult. Hyunwoo must have sensed my internal struggle.

“Why did you open your bar?” asked Hyunwoo.

Everyone seemed to lean in to that question. Why, if I was an alcoholic, would I choose to throw myself into hell every single night?

“I was sad. I was really sad for a very long time. I thought the world was taking everything away from me. I didn’t think I would survive. I found I was closing myself off from everybody. I thought I deserved to be alone. I was being punished. So, I thought I would do something that would make myself feel needed. Make the horrible world a slightly better place. I opened the bar to give people a safe place to open up, healing themselves, even if it was just a little. I think a bar gives people a place to be themselves. Unwinding after a long day with a shot of soju, while listening to live music, letting their nerves loosen. It was one of the better parts of the day for some people.”

“Why do you want to stop drinking?”

“I realised that really, I wasn’t opening the bar to help people. Just because I take away their car keys doesn’t mean I’m just saving someone. I was saving myself. I wanted to be needed. I had to believe I was doing something good because otherwise all that I have worth staying alive for is myself. And I’m not good enough to keep living for. At least, that’s what I thought when I was drinking. I would sink into myself, the same hole that I thought I had covered. Then, I would get to a point where the alcohol just numbed everything. It felt good to feel nothing.”

“Do you still think you’re not enough?”

“I think I’m better. I realise I’m just not living for myself. And I think, that makes it a lot easier. Knowing someone will miss you if you were gone.”

“That’s great. So, is there something you want to accomplish from this new perspective?”  

“I want to drive a car.”

*

MOONBYUL

I sat in silence. I had no more meetings or appointments. I didn’t know what to think or do. When I saw Wheein’s missed calls, I called her back. Then, all I could hear were her words.

“Where are you?” Wheein had almost yelled down the phone.

“I had an appointment. What is it?” I asked. “Is Solar okay?”

“She is now. No thanks to you.”

Wheein’s words were like a hot rod poking me through the chest. Painful as they went in, but also signing every part of me, scarring my heart. A constant reminder that I had failed Solar. Again.

“What happened?”

“She had another episode. But this time, it was while Eric was here. She choked him.”

“Oh my god.” I exhaled. “Is everyone okay?”

The shock was tremendous. I never knew that any of Solar’s personalities could be violent. I didn’t know she could harm someone. Worst of all, I wasn’t there to stop her. If I had just answered my phone, would it have changed the outcome?

“He’s fine.” Wheein answered. “Thankfully he didn’t decide to press charges. I think he knows he did wrong. We’ve even planned a press conference to also sort out this dating rumour.”

I’ve tried my best to keep things in life as orderly as possible. However, factors were distorting my life. I just couldn’t keep up.

“You know, I don’t approve of your relationship with Solar, whatever it is. I think it’s extremely unprofessional and I don’t want you to see her outside your office hours. However, I expected you to be at least a good doctor.”

When Wheein hung up, she also wrapped the noose around my neck. I felt breathless and suffocated. The rope tightened and I was dying. I was losing control.

In my last attempt of sanity, I exclaimed and pushed the papers off my table in frustration. I might as well be surrounded by chaos, that matched my state of mind. Then, I knelt down and one by one, I reordered the papers. I focussed on this one task so I could calm down. My coping mechanism.

Wheein was right. I’m Solar’s psychiatrist. I should at least be able to do that. I won’t take advantage of her. I won’t blow my cover. I would be her doctor, her psychiatrist or whoever she wanted me to be. As long as she was better.

*

WHEEIN

Since that day in the dressing room, Solar hadn’t had any other episodes. Thankfully she hasn’t been requesting to see Moonbyul or make any other appointments. When I told her about the press conference, she wasn’t even worried facing Eric again. In fact, she had been coping well and has carried her schedules flawlessly. Then, it was the day where she had to be on top form.

I explained to Solar that the conference would mainly be about the upcoming film but the announcer would open the topic about the dating situation. When we met Eric, he greeted Solar as normal. I was expecting him to also be at least tense, but he was the perfect gentleman. It was odd but like most people, he was probably burying the traumatic event. However, it wasn’t my concern. The only thing I cared about at that moment was for Solar to survive the press’s questions.

The event carried on as plans, the questions light and focussed on the film. Then, it changed.

“This is not part of the panel, but I would like to address the situation between Mr Nam and I.”

In an instant, all eyes were on Solar and Eric, cameras ready to go to capture any expression, good or bad.

“We’ve all seen the headlines about you two being a real-life couple. Of course, there have conflicting articles and now no one knows what’s true. Can you two clarify the relationship?”

There was a brief silence. It seemed natural but it was practiced. We had already discussed what was to be said. Eric started it off.

He begins to chortle. “I’m sorry for laughing but I didn’t think the article would get so much publicity.”

Solar lightly joins in the chuckle, along with the director.  

“It was a ploy to make the film gain more attention.” Eric continued. “A marketing tactic. I think it worked a little too well.”

There was a chortle that came from the audience as Eric laughed.

“I would like to clarify that, even though she’s perfectly lovely, that Solar and I are just friends. It is our characters that are in love, and that’s it. I hope it comes across in the film.”

There’s a polite clap and the announcer was just about to wrap up.

However, a reporter suddenly stood.  

“I heard that there was a scuffle in the dressing room.” she said. “There were even rumours that said Miss Kim attacked Mr Nam. Is this true?”

That was an unexpected question. I thought it was just us three that knew about the incident. I could see Eric eyes widen with surprise. I frantically tried to think of an answer that I could somehow communicate to Solar. However, she wasn’t looking at me. She was looking forward.

“It is true that I had a brief disagreement with Eric and it might have ended up with me raising my voice. But like most filming sessions, constant filming with the same person for hours on end can cause tensions, especially when you can’t even sleep in your own bed.”

The light-hearted response caused a few laughs from the audience.

“But rest assured, we’ve since made up and I’ve apologised for my outburst. I sincerely respect Eric as an actor and my senior. And I think the argument helped with my acting, especially in scenes where I’m annoyed at him.”

Eric laughed and everyone joined in. I almost breathed out a relieved sigh and my body physically relaxed. The announcer brought the talk to an end and the audience clapped as the cast and director exited the stage. Immediately, I went to Solar’s side.

“That was great.” I praised. “That went much better than I could have wished for. How are you?”

“Can you drive me home?”

Obviously, Solar didn’t share my enthusiasm.

“Right.” I said. “You must be tired. I’ll take you home.”

Just before we left, Solar got Eric’s attention. He looked at her and she offered a small smile.

“I’m sorry. And thank you.”

Eric nodded. “It’s fine. Get home safe.”

On the car journey home, Solar was still quiet. Before I mustered the strength to ask what she was thinking, she beat me to the punch.

“Am I really that good of an actress?”

It wasn’t the first time that Solar questioned her capability as an actress. However, going through her journey of being an extra, to having small lines in dramas, to actually being a lead in a film has proven to me that she can do anything.

“I think you’re a very good actress. Oscar worthy.”

She smiled at me. “Thanks Wheein. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

That night, I dropped off Solar and I wanted to celebrate. I couldn’t be happier. It was perfect.

*

HWASA

The music stopped and there’s a soft applause from the few patrons left in my bar. Gratefully I bow and step off. I couldn’t remember the last time I was on the stage. I didn’t know if it was my clear head or the high of singing, but it felt amazing.

As I returned to the counter, I saw a familiar figure. Wheein sat on her usual stool, pouring herself a drink. She poured me one but I shook my head. Wheein looked at me, but she didn’t say anything. She probably knew, but was courteous not to highlight anything.

In two quick shots, the alcohol was down Wheein’s throat.

“Tough day?” I checked.

She shook her head and beamed her usual imperfect, perfect smile.

“It was a great day.”

I held out a hand and Wheein immediately put her keys in my hand. Like a repeat episode, I knew she would be staying in my apartment. Thankfully, it was in a much better state.

As the night continues into the early hours of the morning, my bar emptied and I started to lock up. It was just Wheein and I. She had started slurring her words and giggling at her own wonderings. I wondered if I looked like that. Most of the times I would have joined Wheein but it was nice observing her for once. All her cute drunken antics, like how she stuck out her pinkie as she drank from the shot glass, or how she sleepily leaned on her elbow. I observed the way Wheein tucked the stray strand of hair behind her cute ear.

“You’re so pretty.” I couldn’t help say.

She immediately scoffed. “If you knew who I was, you wouldn’t say that.”

“I’ll always like you.”

“How can you like someone like me?” Wheein asked. “I’m not perfect.”

“Perfect is boring. It’s a celebration of human nature to have a different look. If we were all symmetrical and perfect, life would be so dull.”

“And do you think I’m perfect? I’m nowhere near.”

“You’re perfect in my eyes.”

“Perfect is in the eye of the beholder.”

Exactly.

*

SOLAR

I didn’t how I found myself there. Like a bird on migration, my body told me to go to the destination and I found it by instinct. When I’m in the building, it’s like I’ve reached home. It was oddly comforting, even if it was the doctor’s reception.

During the week, I haven’t seen or heard from Moonbyul. I thought that by being apart, it would make getting over my feelings much easier. Out of sight, out of mind. However, instead, I was thinking about Moonbyul constantly. From breakfast to dinner, from waking to my dreams, Moonbyul was there. The memory of her consistently lingered and without tearing out my brain, I couldn’t forget.

I knew Moonbyul didn’t feel the same. Her absence solidified that fact. I shouldn’t have come. I should have stayed at home and prepared for my next project. That’s what it should have been. Wheein had lined up a load of auditions. I should’ve been at my place. My actual home.

Just as I was about to leave, the door to Moonbyul’s office opened. There she stood, jacket on and briefcase in hand. She was going home. Where I should have been.

Moonbyul spotted me and she froze. I couldn’t read her expression but it definitely wasn’t a happy one.

“Can I help you?” Moonbyul asked. The coldness pricked at my heart.

“I just wanted to talk.” I replied. Even if it was cold, it was still nice hearing her voice.

She hesitated. I prepared to be sent away.

Instead, Moonbyul opened her door again. “Come inside.”

Like all the previous times, I sat in front of Moonbyul. She watched me as I sat. Like before, she waited. Patiently. She never rushed me to speak. She never pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to do. She wanted me to be at ease. Perhaps I felt too at ease.  

“Am I just pretty?” I asked.

Moonbyul’s eyebrow rose. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve read the comments about my acting. I know people think I’m just pretty. That I don’t deserve to act next to Eric. Sometimes I don’t even believe it. I don’t know if it’s because I’m actually a good actor or if I’m just very lucky. I understand that it’s nice to be told that I’m pretty and I should appreciate it but is it wrong that I want to be more than just pretty? I want to be known as an actress. And a good one at that.”

As usual, Moonbyul just listened and let me go on until I finished. She mulled over my rant, tasting the flavours of my words as if it were wine. Then, she opened to give her review.

“Did you know there are over 7 billion people in the world?”

I waited. There must have been something more to the rhetorical question. There always is.

“That’s a sea of people, all different but also sharing commonalities. But you, Solar, are not a drop in that ocean. You are an entire ocean in a drop. You’re pretty, but you’re not just pretty. You’re much more than that. You’re kind hearted, and gentle, and dangerous. You’re an angel, but a devil. You’re intelligent yet silly, shy yet hilariously funny. You are passion personified as a human being. Pretty isn’t enough to describe who you are. So, don’t think you are simply one thing. You’re everything.”

In the confidential space, I found myself saying the words I didn’t want to hide. The secret that I didn’t know I was hiding.

“I love you.”

A/N:

Finally an update. And finally a confession!

This story is always interesting to write and it helps to see comments that also find the story good to read. Thank you for the kind words and keep it up, they're great motivators. Hopefully I'll update soon and hopefully help with some confusion, or cause more XD