Addicted

 

I'm trying to forget that I'm addicted to you,

But I want it and I need it.

I'm addicted to you.

 

There was a song stuck in his mind. Probably the last song he heard before passing out. This song was still playing in his brain even though he was in deep sleep. And Sehun's panicking voice was in it too. 

Luhan slowly fluttered his eyes open, then he jumped at the first person he sighted. He gasped and almost dropped the glass of water on the bedside table, the person who nursed him luckily saved it by reflex though. But who was this person? As far as he could remember, Sehun was the last person beside him. Sehun must have left him obviously, but wait a second - where was he? Luhan darted his eyes to his surroundings. He was in a bedroom with this person watching him in awe. It wasn't a hospital nor his own room. He wasn't in the underground bar either. Yixing or Chanyeol were nowhere to be found too!

Luhan searched for any signs to tell where he was using his eyes. The room smelled bad, like it hadn't been cleaned for months. The closet was wide opened, and some clothes were scattered on the floor as if the owner didn't care. The window was closed and there was a red curtain that prevented the sun from coming in, it was slightly dark in the room too. On the table next to his bed were a glass of water, a towel, and a small bowl of ice water. It wasn't helping him figure out where he was, so he turned back to the person staring at him quietly, as if waiting for him to come back to his senses and speak. 

Luhan started nervously, "Grandma..." Oh, so it was a grandma. Luhan had no clue who's Grandmother she was though, but she seemed displeased now. "I- I'm sorry," Luhan mumbled, "Why am I here? A-And, who are you?" 

Luhan noticed her expression getting kind of worse. From a straight-face to a furious one. By now, she was really burning with madness and Luhan could feel it. It was scary. Luhan didn't want to be the reason she'd get a heart attack - thank goodness, she was calmer than she actually looked, except she pushed Luhan's head lightly while saying loudly, "Are you nuts?! You have an amnesia already?!" 

"But g-grandma, I don't even know yo-"

"I am Sehun's grandmother. You still don't know me?!" 

"Sehun?" Luhan thought he heard it wrong. "Sehun?!" He asked again, and threw his eyes around the room as if trying to recall where he'd seen it before. "This is..."

"Sehun's room," the old woman finished his sentence and continued on with her own, "So you remember my baby boy but not me." 

"B-but grandma..."

"Don't say but!" 

"Sehun never introduced me to you..." Luhan said hesitatingly but in all honesty. He had never even seen her face back in those days when he dated her grandson. 

"How can you not?! I saw your picture!" The frustrated grandma said, now searching her bag for something - probably the picture that she was telling him about. "I had it somewhere here. Our Sehunnie gave me a picture of you and him, like...almost 6 years ago. Oh, I never changed my bag so it should still be here." 

"He gave you one?"

"Of course! Our Sehun and you really looked good!" She exclaimed, taking a break from rummaging her bag to tell him this wonderful - but not a good story to hear for Luhan. "I have no idea why he's up to marry a ed face instead, but I'm really glad that you two are still friends."

Luhan sniffled, looking away from the elder. "Sehun never showed me your picture. I'm sorry, I don't really remember meeting you either..." 

"Oh? Right, of course. Who am I kidding?" Laughing as she talked, she scratched the back of her nape and later cleared . Well, at least she wasn't angry anymore. That was quick though. "Anyway, are you feeling better? Our Sehun was very worried because you refused to go to the hospital." 

Worried? That's funny. 

"Ah, I don't remember," Luhan said. "But I'm feeling better. I just had a brain freeze because of the ice cream I ate earlier. I'm sorry for the trouble, grandma. Thanks a lot for taking care of me. I really should take my leave now-" Luhan stopped when a hand squeezed his own. He looked up and met the elder's hopeful ones. 

"There is someone who really wants to see you. He is very young and innocent. He was very worried when he heard about this mister handsome collapsing," she said. "Don't you want to wait for him?"

"Zhiyu?" The elder nodded at his guess.

To see Zhiyu? I want to see his child, but this doesn't feel right. Being here on Sehun's bed. How do I explain to her?

"I'm sorry, grandma. I'm really tired today." That was true. "I can still feel the freeze that the ice cream gave me." That was an excuse to escape the past - especially Sehun's bed that gave him so much to remember. 

After hearing this, the elder slammed her palm on top of the bedside table, making Luhan jump a little. Wow, she is really aggressive, isn't she? "That's why you should stay here. You're tired. I'm a midwife, so I know pretty well the face of my patients - even non-pregnant people who need to remain on bed for the next 24 hours. I'm telling you to stay here because you have that face." 

"But grandma..." 

"No buts!" She slammed her fist this time, the sound of bones against wood striking each other echoed in the room, finally muting the blonde boy for a moment or two.

 

Luhan waited. He had wanted to get off of that bed, but the elder insisted he stay. Not long after that, they heard a car engine stop at the front door and the elder's face brightened knowing it was her grandson and great-grandson. Luhan was nervous. So nervous. He sat tight until the elder left the room to meet them, Luhan eventually removed himself from the bed and turned around to leave. 

He stopped again. At his front was the door with Sehun's Eaglesire fan shirt hanging on it. He remembered it used to be Sehun's most-liked shirt, the latter would wash it everyday so he could wear it when visiting the underground bar. Luhan would follow him there and they'd go out afterwards. Sometimes Sehun would bring him to that bed as if he were only a buddy. Luhan hated remembering anything that had something to do about Sehun or their baby, yet despite everything - his efforts and tears gone wasted- he still finds himself drowning in this flood of unforgotten memories. Luhan kept crying in his mind and his soul that God should've at least saved his son's life if everything else were bound to be taken away from him. Angel should've lived instead of him.

"Mister handsome?" 

The little boy standing at the doorway called for him. Luhan stayed quiet, but he smiled. It was a sad smile. Because he wasn't sure what he was feeling and what he was supposed to feel at the moment. It was strange because he wanted that little boy Zhiyu and he felt like he needed him. Not caring about the world or the fact that Zhiyu was Sehun's child from a woman, Luhan opened his arms for the little boy. 

A real smile appeared on Zhiyu's face, letting his worries decrease as he ran towards the blonde and hugged the latter. He had been so worried on his way there, but now he was glad, hoping that a simple embrace can take the elder's pain away like magic. "Mister, do you feel better now?" Zhiyu's voice was muffled as he spoke with his lips practically buried against the elder's shirt. 

Luhan was ruffling the boy's soft hair, saying faintly, "Yes. I feel so much better, Zhiyu. Thank you." 

Exactly after Luhan finished his sentence, Sehun bolted inside, breathing heavily and anxiously since he'd heard that Luhan woke up. The taller stammered then and there as the smaller boy just looked at him with a baffled expression on his face. "Luhan? Are you o-okay?" 

No. I'm definitely not okay. Why did you have to bring me here? Haven't you had enough already? Do you really intend to hurt me over and over again? Do you really want me to suffer and not forget about you?

"Luhan?" Sehun took a doubtful step forward and stopped immediately after noticing how it startled Luhan. 

Don't come near me. Don't be weak, Luhan.

"I...was worried about you."

Don't listen to him. He's mocking you, he's not worried at all. Don't lie to me, Sehun. 

"Thank you," Luhan blurted out and then he looked at the child before him. "Zhiyu, I must go now." 

"Why? I thought Daddy said we're gonna eat dinner together? Daddy promised me-"

"Zhiyu," Luhan cut in and instantly felt bad for halting Zhiyu's words but he continued anyway, "I'm sorry. I can't today. I have something important to do. So next time - if there ever is a next time, let's have dinner together, hm?" 

"Why? Won't there be a next time? Don't you want to make sure that you meet me again, mister?" 

Luhan smiled and tried not to let his tears fall when he answered without certainty in his voice, "Of course...  I'll find a way. I'll see you again."

"Can I see you perform tomorrow then?"

"Oh-of course."