Without You

He was always on his mind. Day and night, he wondered how he was doing. Is he moving on from him? Did he find someone else already? Is he happy now? Or is he lonely? Sehun wondered if Luhan hated him or moved on like nothing happened. Before going to sleep, Sehun would hope and pray to God that Luhan would still find happiness without him. He thought of him every single day. The flowers in his neighborhood, his bed, his notebook with Luhan's name in it, the pen he borrowed from Luhan and never returned, little things like these simply prompted him to think of Luhan. Partly because he was guilty of leaving the latter, and that's also what made him miss the boy even more. He missed him like crazy; these are the words he couldn't say out loud. Sehun deceived himself into thinking that he didn't missed nor cared for Luhan at all and everyone believed him, so no one knew what he really felt inside. What Sehun really felt after letting him go: an emptiness and loneliness. 

He had to forget him. It's not like he had no other choice, he just failed to think of something; something that would hurt no one but only him. If there was anything, he prayed to God that he'd let him know.

He had to get over the first and only man he ever loved because someone else was expecting him to be by their side. Someone else needed him. He thought someone needed him more than Luhan already did.

And he had to remind himself that he didn't deserve someone as special and pure like Luhan. And even though he wanted so badly to show him off; to his friends, to his family, and to the world they loved and lived in, he knew it would never happen and that he shouldn't even dare for they are both men. Because he'd messed up everything since that night, and there was no way he could change what the future was going to be. It was a future without Luhan. Without him... 

Luhan was the best thing that ever happened to him, he wished he had said that clearly before but his coward heart hid his true feelings in the dark. Sehun had always felt like they connected though, Luhan and him. He always wanted to protect the younger boy, and the latter surely must have felt the same way. He felt protected by him as well. Luhan was the best thing that he'd ever had and yet, he chose to let go of the latter.

Airin was Sehun's first love. She was the reason he had to let go of someone like Luhan, the one person he promised to live his whole life with. It wasn't her fault though he wanted to blame her for making things happen and making him choose. It wasn't her fault he fell for it. Sehun knew he was worthy of the blame himself. 

He thought that no matter how many times he'd been hurt because of her when they were younger, still he couldn't just leave her to suffer on her own, especially when he was the one she needed the most at that moment. Especially his child, his baby needed him. His one and only son, Zhiyu.

The moment Sehun first saw baby Zhiyu's angelic face who was so small and beautiful, instead of saying Zhiyu resembled his supposedly mother, Sehun spotted some resemblance with his child and his ex-lover Luhan's photograph as a child. So he said on his mind as if he were talking to Zhiyu: "For some awkward coincidence, you really look like him. What if Luhan and I were your parents? What if he was the first person to see you? What if he was here instead of her? Would he ever forgive me then? Will we be together in the end?" 

Eventually, Sehun stopped thinking about the past as he focused more on the present. Zhiyu grew up and the older he got, the more Sehun reminded him of Luhan instead of the woman he chose to save. Watching Zhiyu grow so fast never failed to send shivers down his spine, allowing him to dig into the past he thought he had buried deep in his thoughts, of how he fell in love with a man and how he blew it off by disappearing in thin air. Sehun couldn't stop smoking and toking weed then, because he always thought it would keep him sane and make him seem happier than what he was dying to be deep inside...

And now everything have been revealed to him, everything is clearer to him and everything but his family is well. Knowing what he knows now gave him ideas of what he would say and do. But these ideas were harder than he thought. He wanted to fix what was broken. He wanted to complete what was incomplete. He wanted to be honest with himself. It sounded pretty easy, but if anyone were to stand on his feet, you'd realize just how hard it is to be in his position. Confused and scared. He wished he could immediately tell his own son what the latter deserves to know and watch his boy listen to him without crying or questioning why he did that and why he settled on crushing an innocent person's heart instead.

And just when Sehun thought he was ready to tell Luhan about it, an unexpected twist of fate reappeared and tried to take them away from him. . . It happened so fast. Sehun pulled a crying Zhiyu in his arms and tried to calm him down, preventing his little boy from seeing the drops of blood forming on Luhan's forehead. Luhan seemed unconscious, fresh blood from his forehead trailed down to his noseline and onto the ground in a matter of seconds; the latter seemed to have also broken a limb.

"Lu. . ." Sehun managed to whisper, his voice and arms were trembling with fear and worry that his attempt to wake his former lover might fail. "Lu, wake up..." he tried again, shaking the said boy gently but the unconscious man didn't respond. Sehun quickly grabbed his phone to call and soon the ambulance came to pick them up. Sehun didn't leave Luhan's side then. For the first time after years of being apart, Sehun was holding Luhan's hand again, only this time it was colder than normal. He begged Luhan  to open his eyes for him, but Luhan was in and out of consciousness. A paramedic asked Sehun to calm down, but he couldn't stop shouting