Chapter 12

I Wanna See You
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I Can't Stop Loving You

 

He could have just laughed and left. He could have just said Sehun deserved it. He shouldn't have laughed then cried. He should've restrained, walked away and vanished in the dark alley. Instead, he was lost in Sehun. Like unconsciously going around in circle, he'd always find his way back to him.

Luhan actually laughed so hard that it made him tear up. He cried harder when Sehun muttered something about the world hating on him too. 

"Looks like the world hates me too," Sehun had said as he tried to wipe off the ice cold water that fell from his bangs down to his face. He sounded so sad and broken - to the extent that he had wanted to cry but not in front of Luhan. He held back those icy tears and tried to appear brave and not easily moved - like he was supposed to be the dominant one between them. He tried so hard.

Luhan could see how hard he was trying. And because of this, Luhan's eyes stung more and burned with tears from all the angst, the sadness, and the small hint of sincerity that the other was desperately showing him. One moment Luhan burst out laughing at Sehun's pitiful state, and then the next, he was hugging his knees, sobbing painfully.

Sehun didn't expect Luhan to suddenly cry, he seemed genuinely surprised upon witnessing it with his own eyes - how Luhan's smile faded and how Luhan's laughter abruptly turned into small whimpers - echoing in his ears like a sad song. 

I hate you. I hate you. Why do you do this to me? Luhan wanted to say out loud, but the harder he tried not to cry the more he mewled like a baby trapped in a cage or a little bird stuck between a fridge and a wall. He couldn't look him in the eyes. He couldn't calm down. Everytime he tried, he'd feel like being swallowed down into a rabbit hole and he'd stop breathing. 

Sehun tried to help Luhan up by offering his hand and even by rubbing his back to console him, making Luhan wonder why he was doing it again - acting nice, acting weird, tricking him, confusing him, and making him fall all over and over again. As if it was that easy to step on him, his feelings, and take advantage of his vulnerability. It must have been that easy to leave him too.

After a while - he stopped crying. Luhan stepped away from Sehun who was so close, too close that he couldn't breathe. He took back everything he had said earlier, considering it then eventually asking Sehun to explain and give him answers. What he was feeling at that moment, he wanted Sehun to make it stop too. He decided he'd save it for later or for last, at least before saying goodbye - if there was ever gonna be a goodbye or if he could even say that to him. 

Luhan sat on the swing in silence and Sehun did the same on the other swing, both leaning their heads on the chains. They were in a park, just nearby Luhan's apartment. Luhan doesn't even remember how he managed to get there with Sehun quietly following him from behind. Luhan was still sniffling, but he wasn't crying anymore. Good. You better not cry now. He thought before taking a quick glance at Sehun hugging himself from the cold breeze cutting through his pale skin. Luhan could have had cried if he didn't do anything about it. He was that weak and soft-hearted when it comes to Sehun. When he took off his jacket and gave it to Sehun, he felt so much better and he could finally breathe. When Sehun whispered a small 'thank you' to him, he could only nod his head, not a smile or a frown on his face. 

But why? He knew that this man was getting married soon, and he even had a son with a woman. Why did he still care about him when he had suffered such heartbreak because of him?

"Zhiyu wants to apologize to you too... Can you forgive him?" Sehun asked, and Luhan answered a yes in his mind. "He wants to see you too. Can you see him?" Luhan nodded his head slowly. In fact, he was dying to see Sehun's child as well, but he didn't have the gut to show that. Not in front of his ex-boyfriend nor in front of his ex-boyfriend's son whom he wished was his own.

"Zhiyu doesn't deserve to be punished. Just punish me," Sehun continued, he sounded tired but determined, "can you do that?" And yet he couldn't get straight to the point. How should he even say what happened? It was so difficult. Everything seemed difficult and risky, like a chess game which he didn't even know how to play without a guide. "I'm sorry," he breathed out, not ready to say what he came for nor hear Luhan's response. Luhan wasn't even sure what Sehun was sorry about anymore.

Could it be that... "You're getting married soon, aren't you?" asked Luhan, albeit he already knew it was going to happen in a few days. "Please take care of her and don't cheat on her," he went on when Sehun said nothing at all, "for your son's sake." And he meant every single words he said, albeit he wished he didn't have to say it. 

Sehun wanted to clear his throat, but decided he didn't want to make some noise and make the situation any more awkward than it already was. "I don't think I can do that." His voice sounded sore, very sore, as if he was very sick after receiving the free shower outside. Well, maybe he really was because he was dead set on leaving Airin and marrying Luhan instead. He must be crazy sick. "I'm too addicted about you to do what she wants me to do," Sehun confessed as he fidgeted his fingers nervously, knowing Luhan was staring at him and probably shakened up by his confession. It didn't seem to work on Luhan though. At least, it seemed so. 

"Do you want me to joke with you?" Luhan feigned a laugh, he felt like he was being mocked. He spoke with a brittle voice and blinked with burning eyes as he fixed his gaze on Sehun who couldn't even look back at him. "Is that what you want, Sehun? Do you want me to say that I'm still hopelessly addicted to you while you're still into her and into weed and... and not into me? Even though you didn't choose me back then, do you want me to say that I'd still choose you over and over again like an idiot? 

"Do you want me to believe that you're addicted to me? Why? Since when? No matter how I look at it, it doesn't seem like you'd ever get addicted to me. It's either weed or your first love, and that's not me, Sehun. None of them is me. Do you still want me to believe you now?"

"Yes," was Sehun's faint reply, his voice was loaded with hope. 

"Sehun. This isn't time to joke. You're Zhiyu's father and Zhiyu needs his mother ---"

"I know. I know." Sehun knew. Sehun really believed Zhiyu had his mother until the woman who claimed to be his mother turned out to be an error, a big mistake, a big fat liar. "Zhiyu wants to see you. I hope you come and visit him soon. And I bought a skateboard for you. I left it outside your house. Don't hesitate to use it. Zhiyu thinks it cool," Sehun said anyway, he stood up almost immediately and left Luhan's jacket on the swing before disappearing from the confused latter's sight. Luhan felt his tears coming again, and his words too, but he tried his hardest to keep them all to himself.

Don't just leave like that. Make me understand.

He wished Sehun had stayed and explained everything that didn't make sense, but then all he did was stare at his jacket that now reminded him of Sehun. He'd thought about leaving it at the park and let someone else take it, and then he'd thought about leaving it outside his apartment where he'd left the skateboard and wait for some passerby to pick it up. Once he arrived home, instead of abandoning his jacket that was contaminated with Sehun's touch, he put it on and took the skateboard as well, thinking about everything Sehun had said to hi

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misslulufats
I WANNA SEE YOU / HunHan. Officially ended!

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kekeha
#1
subscribed and bookmarked.....
gonna read soon