It's okay, it's not okay.

Luhan finally got him to himself - but Sehun refused to open up much to his dismay.

It was just another moment in their life wherein they find themselves mentally gasping for breath and grasping for words that were not even acceptable nor friendly, and both of them felt as though they were trapped in one narrow place together even with the obvious space between them. 

It was hard for them to find each other's voices, or hear other people's voices but one's own loud thoughts - again - as they thought of ways to calm their unsteady hearts, although Sehun's coldest expression doesn't show that. 

And it all just seemed intimately familiar. And maybe, a little bit awkward.

Like they'd been there before.

At that moment, they both felt it. The former lovers missed this feeling, this situation, and this atmosphere. The cute and adorable feeling of being in one's first date or the horrible feeling of a face-to-face break up which they never actually had. 

They were in the nearest food court. Two glasses of orange juice just sat on top of the table that stood in between them, it remained untouched as the awkward silence dawned on them. They waited, waited for either of them to start the conversation. They looked into each other's literally puffy eyes, face to face, wishing words would just flow naturally without having to think about it. But they had to face it first, the loss of words and fantasy. Again. 

Luhan hated Sehun at that very moment, not like he hadn't hated him for years already. Sehun failed to explain again. Perhaps, Sehun didn't even try to explain. Luhan thought. That made him hate Sehun even more, for thinking he didn't deserve an explanation and for trying to fool him with words that were unlikely to be true since he'd abandoned him. Luhan hated Sehun, or at least his mind thought so as his heart desperately tried to change course. And yet he couldn't say it.

He couldn't say the words I hate you Sehun or punch him again like the last time he did. He couldn't say I wish I never met you or You shouldn't have impregnated me or You shouldn't have left me, you should've chosen me  or Don't make me feel like you might actually still want me back no matter how much he wanted to. Because he didn't want to ruin a relationship or break a child's heart or anyone's heart but his own. 

Luhan lowered his head as he placed his fists on his lap. He invited Sehun in that place. He was angry and eager to scold the taller man for being. . . just Sehun. Mean, stupid, confusing, and a coward. . . He was anticipating and hoping Sehun would speak up first though - or at least ask him what his problem was - but Sehun was the same as always, staying mum. Boring his eyes into Sehun's dark and hollow orbs was merely pointless, it wasn't compelling the latter to explain, and actually, none of his efforts ever did. Sehun was still the same mysterious guy with the most unreadable eyes and often misinterpreted gestures and attitude. Luhan failed to understand how Sehun always managed to frustrate him and make him nervous. The smaller boy grumbled underneath his breath and decided he needed a drink to cool his burning throat. He grabbed his orange juice and swallowed a big giant gulp, enough for him to choke on his starting words when he informed, "I met Zhiyu today."

"Good." Sehun's reaction was enough for the smaller boy to burst out in fury and swear. 

"How can you act so calm right now? I can't ing believe you, Sehun," Luhan blurted out exasperatedly then he added before Sehun could react, "what is wrong with you? Do you have any idea what your son is going through?" His words only silenced the other man, probably because what he just said then was true and might have offended the other man. "I know I don't have the right to talk to you like this, but I'm sorry okay? I can't help it," the smaller boy continued helplessly and honestly, then his voice came out smoother than ever with a note of clear sincerity. 

He remembered Sehun's child crying in his arms, hurt and heartbroken. He wanted to tell Sehun how it broke his heart as well, but he knew that wouldn't make sense. I mean, who am I to act like this? Sehun isn't my boyfriend. And his son... His son with that woman isn't mine. He's got nothing to do with me but... It bothers him, anyway.

Luhan looked up from his drink to Sehun, then finally he said, "I'm just... I'm worried. Zhiyu cried today, he's confused and he's worried about losing both of his mother and father."

Sehun wasn't looking back now. His eyes were fixed on his fists, he noticed he was shaking. He stuttered, "I... I'm sorry."

"No." Luhan shook his head disapprovingly and yet, gently. "Don't say that to me. Instead of me, say that to your son and fiance," his voice broke for a second or two and then he carried on, "as much as I want to hear you explain. . . I'd rather just hear you say that you'll fix your problem with Airin, Sehun. Forget about what you said last night, okay? It doesn't mean anything to me so... Let's continue to see it like that. You have a family, and a child."

Sehun doesn't say anything, his expression didn't look convinced and it somehow scared Luhan that he might refuse. 

So Luhan added, "Sehun, Zhiyu is just a child. Don't do this to him." 

"I'm trying not to hurt him."

"Then try harder!" Luhan demanded eagerly. "Look, I don't know what your problem is with your girlfriend, but Zhiyu needs the two of you together. He needs his parents. I'm sure you can fix it for him. If you don't, those kids are gonna continue bullying him just because his parents apparently fell out of love or something." 

"I'm doing this for him," Sehun said and took a deep breath before finishing, "and for you." His voice was smaller than a whisper, yet readable on his mouth.

Hearing those silent words at the back of his head halted Luhan's breath for merely a second before the latter dropped his unfocused gaze on the table. Setting aside the urge to throw his orange juice at Sehun's face, Luhan bit his lip tightly, letting it bleed as he asked, "What are you talking about? I... I don't wanna be one of your stupid reasons why you're doing this. I don't wanna be-"

"Luhan, please." Sehun cut him off, pleading for a chance to just drop it then and there. "I need you to just trust in me. I want you to know that I'm not only doing this for myself." 

"No, I won't. I'm so tired of trying to understand you. Because you're doing it again, you're trying to make me see you as a good person, that you're making the right choice b-but you're just making choices that can break others, Sehun. It's gonna break your girlfriend, your son, and... " me. "You're only making this choice because you've fallen out of love with that woman and you probably just want to play with me before she calls you back and then you come running back to her later again. You're just going to make me hate you more. You're just going to make your son hate me, and I'm not ready for all of that, Sehun." 

"That's not it."

"I hardly think so. You never really shared anything with me, am I wrong?" How could he trust Sehun if the latter couldn't even trust him? How could he understand if Sehun couldn't even tell him anything except 'I need you to understand'? Sehun agreed to that, which is why he found himself drowning again. In guilt, in hatred, in bewilderment, in his lack of bravery and confidence, he was drowning with the words he couldn't say just yet. . . only because he was scared. What would happen if he tells him everything he knows now? What would he lose? Who would he lose? He wasn't ready for the answers either. 

And then he was saved by his ringing phone. It was a call from an old friend in college. Sehun had called him for help the night after he heard from Airin's mom. This old friend of his has always been the best computer hacker Sehun knew who graduated in Police training and knew people from the Police Department, but never really pursued his dream to be one of them nor was he trained to hack or be a secret criminal. Sehun remembered that this person might be able to help him find the answers about his child and the reason of Luhan's hospitalization five years ago at the same hospital with Airin. Like, how did it happen? And how come he'd never noticed? 

Before taking the phone on his ear, Sehun took a quick glance at Luhan and almost spilled out about the latter's pregnancy, unfortunately he didn't have enough gut. Figured he should find a solution to things quietly without having to bother Luhan, hence excusing himself and answering the call. "Yes, did you find something?" 

"Dude, you won't believe what I just found." The guy on the other line said, and under no circumstances was he scared but amused. Sehun didn't let him continue though, and asked to meet instead. 

After the call, Sehun immediately stood up and shoved his phone into his pocket then apologized afterward, "I'm sorry but I have to leave first," and then he added thoughtfully, making sure it was clear and promised, "I'll call you later."

Luhan waited hopelessly for the taller man to turn around whilst whispering almost straightforwardly from behind the man's back, "Stop leaving me like that." Sehun stopped, and Luhan hoped he'd spun around to face him, but he didn't. Just like the other night, only this time it was during the daytime and took place in a food court. Only this time, Sehun's voice was brittle and his ambience was as dark as the atmosphere of the said place.

Instead of Luhan's vain wishes coming true, Sehun continued walking away from him, promising his return in silence and the best for his ex-lover once everything's all solved and done.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 Meeting an old friend felt like he was back to College. Sehun didn't have a lot of good friends in college, most of them were bad influences and only few were not into smoking or drink