Words in italics: Past 

Words in Italics/Grey: Thoughts

I Only See You

I regret everyday, I see myself not being myself.

Like a fool, I say words that I don't even mean.

I keep hiding my heart.

I keep hurting you. 

He could only see him. Zhiyu's somewhat disappointed expression, with fear and most likely hate aimed towards him. Luhan could only see that. Then Zhiyu's figure was running away from him - and he didn't know why but his heart was pounding harder and it was so painful as he could not omit the image of an unhappy Zhiyu out of his mind. 

Luhan promised himself that he'd never see Sehun again, and he really wanted to keep that promise. However, he could not. Not like he had other choices. There was none. Luhan had believed he was nothing - he was nothing to Sehun and nothing to Zhiyu, but the following day that he'd gather up the courage to apologize to Zhiyu and make everything alright between them, he went back to the underground bar, hoping to meet Sehun's child there. What he saw was Sehun, alone and drinking all by himself, the bruise he left on his face was still visible and slightly swollen. Luhan told himself that he didn't want to see Sehun, he didn't want to feel bad or apologize for punching him. Luhan told himself that he would try to not care. Luhan told himself that he's gonna make it up to Zhiyu - but to Sehun? No. He swore he wouldn't. 

Sehun noticed someone had been watching him all along, so he moved his head sideways and immediately recognized Luhan from that distance. It was when Luhan closed this distance between them that he spoke with hesitation and yet with eagerness, "I thought you don't want to see me ever again." Hurt was etched on his face. Sehun regretted saying that, he felt as though he sounded so desperate and hopeless. 

Luhan ignored the urge to touch Sehun's face where he'd hit him and replied as he avoided the other's scrutinizing gaze, "I don't want to, but I have no choice. I don't know why but..." He bit his lower lip and closed his eyes as he clenched his fists altogether, then he carried on with uncertainty, "But I wanna see Zhiyu. I wanna see your son. I wanna apologize to him. Whatever is going on between us, I don't want him to hate me because of that."

"Ouch. How annoying," Sehun mumbled and hissed, turning his head back to gaze at his bottle of beer instead of Luhan's figure standing beside him. Luhan was not able to hear him though, which made Sehun feel a little relieved though he would've wanted Luhan to know that he was also hurt not just physically but deep inside. "You know you don't have to worry about anything. I told Zhiyu it was my fault, not yours." 

"I need to apologize to him myself but I don't know where to find him except by your side," Luhan insisted.

"I said it's alright. I'll take care of it. You may leave," Sehun eventually dismissed the smaller boy. He knew he didn't have to be so angry and all that after what he'd done to his former lover, but the frustration filled him up anyway, regardless of how he had hoped that Luhan would understand his situation.

Luhan was now looking at Sehun. The latter was simply acting like he wasn't there and even asked the bartender for one more drink. Luhan smelled a hint of weed covering Sehun's body, so he fought the irresistible impulse to cough in front of the boy. He honestly never liked its smell even though his father used to toke it in his presence. After a few seconds, Luhan swallowed his pride and tried to apologize for giving Sehun that bruise on his face, but was halted by Chanyeol's sudden appearance and tap on his shoulder. "Yo, Luhan. You left without saying goodbye yesterday, what happened?" The tallest guy asked him, and still Luhan couldn't take his eyes off of Sehun, as if hoping he'd explain for him but that didn't happen."Anyway, Yixing and I were just talking about celebrating at the nearest beer house. I was about to pick you up from your apartment, but since you're already here, let's go," Chanyeol suggested with a grin. 

"We have a lot of beers here," Sehun said with a sign of hostility clearly detectable in his voice.

"Well, that one beer house has steak. I want steak," Chanyeol said, eyeing Sehun as if the latter had just said something wrong to scare Luhan away. "If you're already drunk, then just stay here," Chanyeol advised. "But Luhan has to come with us!"

"I have to?" Luhan asked as he blinked innocently to the man next to him. He hadn't even told him that he wanted to leave the band because he didn't want to see Sehun - he was afraid that they'd discover his secret if he says that. Hence, he decided to think of a better excuse first. "Ah, I owe you guys, right?" Luhan remembered. "Okay then, I'll go." Luhan nodded his head and smiled. 

"You don't have to treat us at all. We won something for winning the second place, remember?" Chanyeol brought to mind while placing his arm around Luhan's shoulder, forcing Sehun to take a peek. "That means we'll pay with the money we won. Alright?" 

"I'm coming." Sehun muttered, eyes throwing daggers at Chanyeol's threatening figure - at least for Sehun this man was singularly threatening to him. 

"You're coming? But there's a lot of beers here," Chanyeol told him, annoyingly repeating what Sehun just said earlier. 

"I'll wait in the car," Sehun decided and walked out on them speedily, leaving his empty glasses on the counter table and both Chanyeol and Luhan a little surprised. For Luhan, Sehun must have had decided to come so he could hurt him again. But for Sehun, it was to make sure Chanyeol doesn't do anything stupid in case Luhan gets drunk - or something like that. Also because he knew he won't be able to fall asleep knowing that the worst-case scenario could happen at any time. It was decided then. He couldn't stop caring. Luhan's punch wasn't enough to shut him up. 

"Aish, that guy is really confusing as hell," Chanyeol said, frustrated. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Hey Luhan, you're eating too fast. Eat slowly or you'll choke," Yixing suggested a little too nicely. Luhan did as he was told, trying not to appear too obvious that he was starving. 

Everyone continued eating, setting their beer aside. Sehun couldn't help but notice how Luhan slowed down though, and it was a little too much for him to just brush it off. "Hey, that's too slow. You're distracting me," Sehun said, seemingly annoyed. Then before he knows it, something unknown pierced through his head. It wasn't something bad, but rather sensational. It was the way that Luhan looked at him with those doe eyes, and the way Luhan opened his mouth but hesitated to say something. It was the sense of deja vu. This intimate scene and the words used in it reminded him of when they were younger.  It was just like a movie. Just like a scene in a music video. 

"Hey Se-Sehun, you're eating too fast..." A shy Luhan had once said on their first date, and he stuttered in between letters and words. "Slow d-down a little..." That familiar voice was soft and shy. Just the way he talked made him seem like an angel and a dream come true for his supposedly other half. Of course, Sehun was a little embarrassed so he slowed down, feeling nervous and afraid that Luhan might get discouraged about him. Sehun just tried to enjoy his burger in slow motion, and as a result, it distractied Luhan and caused the latter to leer at Sehun's plump lips that were the ketchup and mayonnaise off of his lips.

"Sehun..." Luhan wanted to kiss those lips. "Too..." But he couldn't just say that, couldn't he? Luhan concurred to himself. "Slow..." He finished. The moment was in a freaking slow motion. 

"What?" Sehun blinked, wiping the ketchup on the side of his lips with his thumb. 

"Sehun, that's too slow," Luhan stated nervously, "You're distracting me." 

Sehun sneered. "You're so cute, Lu,"  Sehun said in admiration as his lips twitched up in amusement. Once he bit his lip ily, Luhan's face flushed with shame. 

"Don't say that," Luhan snapped at Sehun almost immediately, his eyes became wider, making it look like he was really angry. "Y-You're making m-me feel n-," Luhan started and continued with involuntary parroting of words, "I-I meant my face, now it feels . You telling me cute when I'm not even wearing make-up... Don't joke about something like that."

"Has no one ever told you that?" Sehun asked, putting half of his burger on the side as he focused on Luhan and examined the latter's natural beauty. Luhan's eyes, the eyebrows, the eyelashes, the nose, the lips, the color of his eyes and his hair, and even the somewhat attractive bags under his eyes. No matter how Sehun looked at it, Luhan was still... "You look beautiful." That.

"Actually..." Luhan began averting his gaze, saying hesitantly but frankly, "My face gets oily after being out in the sun for a long time. Sometimes, depending on the weather, my skin color would change from pale to red. If you look closely to my face, you might see my pores. I sweat a lot too. Even when I'm not doing anything. My hands get cold and wet too. Also, sometimes I can't even see properly with my eyes. I was born cross-eyed until one month later. My eyes might look better now, but there are times that they move involuntarily on different sides. I'm not beauti-"

"You are beautiful no matter what you say," Sehun cut in eagerly. He happilly and swiftly leaned his elbows on the restaurant glass table before proceeding with his lines, "I believe you'll still look pretty even with your lack of confidence. I don't care about your oily skin, the red skin, the pores, or your sweat. It won't kill me. I would still like to hold your hands even when they're cold and wet. And your eyes? Don't worry, I'm not afraid of creepy ghost eyes. I think you're beautiful just the way you are. And I'd really like to see your other sides.  I'd like to know and see everything that you don't want me to." 

Luhan wasn't confident of himself. "But if you get discouraged..."

But Sehun unwittingly changed that. "I won't leave you. Believe me." 

Just like how Sehun couldn't forget his adorable ex-boyfriend, the innocent latter couldn't easily forget him too. Luhan is who he is now all because of Sehun, Sehun, and Sehun. Sehun's ways to flirt, Sehun's lies, Sehun's jokes, Sehun's promises, and Sehun's pick up lines. Just everything about S