“Yeah, we’ve just finished. I’ll see you at practice. Bye.” I end the call with Wonwoo.

 

Some prefects asked me to join the student council so I did, but I’m not so sure it was a good idea.Between performing and practice for our first concert, I can barely manage as it is.

 

Just before I start my walk home a guy with a dark grey motorcycle helmet under his arm approaches me.

 

“Hey, do you know where reception is? I’m here to pick up my sister.”

 

“Yeah, just go straight, then right at the trophy cabinet.” I instruct. 

 

“Thanks, you coming from detention as well?” He asks.

 

“Oh no, student council meeting.”

 

“Ah. Glad to see some people are taking school seriously.” He chuckles. “Are you British?” He switches the conversation to English.

 

“Yes, I’m glad my accent hasn’t gone away.” I joke.

 

“Always good to meet a fellow Brit. How long you been here?”

 

“I moved to Seoul this summer but we used to visit my grandparents in Jeju once a year.”

 

“Nice, we moved here from London a few years ago, Seoul is similar in a lot of ways, but some of us are taking the move better than others.”

 

“It can’t be easy, new language, new school new everything. Even if it’s been a while.”

 

“Yeah that’s true, everyone moves at their own pace, gotta remember that.” He sighs.

 

“I hope things work out, it was nice talking to you.” I smile 

 

“Same here.” He holds his hand. “I’m Damien.”

 

“Cami.” I shake his hand. 

 

I use the chat as an excuse for arriving to practice slightly late. It’s a hard session, our dance director is stricter on the details and we have less breaks than normal.

 

It’s easier when we go into our units to plan our performances. As well as our songs, Soonyoung, Jun, Minghao, Chan and I agree to cover Red Velvet’s Dumb Dumb. 

 

I’m cheating a bit cause I’ve already covered it on my channel. But that also means I can help add our own changes to make it just right.

 

We’re the last group to leave, but our dance director holds me and Soonyoung behind. 

 

“Covering Dumb Dumb sounds great but you guys are the Performance Unit, you’ve got to do something show stopping.” He paces a little while thinking of an idea.

 

“I’m thinking you two should do an original song and dance, something y and charismatic, that will make everyone’s hearts flutter.”

 

“Are you okay with that Cami?” Soonyoung checks.

 

“No worries, its a great idea. We can do it.”

 

“Good to hear, fill me in when you have some ideas.” The director finishes and exits the practice room. 

 

“Sooooo” Soonyoung wiggles his eyebrows playfully. I giggle. “What do you think?”

 

“Hmmm.” I ponder with a finger on my lip. “I think the story should be two lovers falling in and out of love. Part of them wants to go, but part of them wants to stay.”

 

“That sounds really good!” Soonyoung praises. “Those kinds of feelings can be expressed really well through dance.”

 

“Have no idea for the music though, that’s more your thing.” 

 

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll show you the ropes.” He gets a laptop from the tech closet. 

 

We get started listening to some songs for inspiration and starting the framework for the song.

 

The nature of the performance meant things we're going to get...close. But it's needed to show the story. Two people who hate that they love each other. Constantly coming together and drifting apart.

 

“So we can start like this.” I sit in the chair, Soonyoung towering over me. 

 

“Then I give you my hand to help you up.” He stretches his arm out.

 

“I take it, but try to walk away.”

 

He draws me close to his chest.

 

“But I want you to stay.”

 

We stay like that longer we should. It’s so quiet he can probably hear my heart beating so fast it could burst, he can probably feel it 

 

“That’s a good start!” I squeak, turning around quickly.

 

“Y-yeah, I’ll get started on the song.” Soonyoung rushes to the laptop.

 

It’s just nerves, yeah.

 

-

 

I can’t stop thinking about it. Weeks have passed but that moment keeps playing in my mind, again and again.

 

We’ve done that move so many times but nothing is like that first time. I’m being stupid, really stupid.

 

But what if I’m not? I really enjoy the time we spend together, more than just dancing and recording. I like the way he flops on the floor with an exaggerated sigh after getting a really hard move. How he always offers me a bottle of water first, even though he sweats more than me. I like the way he bites his lip when he’s thinking of the next move.

 

I like... spending time with Soonyoung. That’s all it is. That’s all it can be.

 

“Cami?” The familiar voice taps my shoulder. It’s Damien.

 

“Oh, hey.”

 

We’d met like this a few more times. Talked about our lives in the UK, our lives here.

 

“You okay?” He stands in front of me.

 

“I’m alright.” I run my hand through my hair. “Just got a lot going on.”

 

“Why don’t you tell me about it? Are you free right now?”

 

Practice was starting a few hours later today. I could do homework or practice my singing, but would I be able to focus. 

 

“Yeah, I’m not doing anything for a while.”

 

“Come on.” I follow him to the side of the school building. We stop in front of a shining dark blue motorcycle. 

 

“You ever rode before?” Damien asks me.

 

“No.” He unhooks a second helmet from the bike’s side, then gently places it on my head, moving a strand of hair behind my ear, so he can adjust the strap securely.

 

“Don’t worry, just hold on tight.”

 

The wind rushed past us as we rode. My arms wrapped around Damien’s torso, my warm cheek against the cold back of his denim jacket. 

 

We stopped near a park, walking for a bit before sitting at a bench that overlooked the small pond. 

 

“I come here when I need some space or just need to think. What’s on your mind?” Damien turns to me.

 

I take a deep breath. “It’s a really selfish thing to say, but I feel so overwhelmed. I know how lucky I am, to have such kind, lovely friends, to be able to be in a group when some people train for years and never debut, that I can keep up at all is a miracle.”

 

I gulp.

 

“It feels like for so long, I was waiting for my life to start. Then it started all at once and I had no time to cope. I push myself everyday, but I still need to do more. Everyone is watching me, waiting for my next move, and sometimes. I don’t know what it’ll be.”

 

He has an understanding look on his face.

 

“If I we’re in your shoes, I’d quit on the first day. I don’t know how you do it. And sometimes you might not know too, but that’s okay.” He leans back into the bench.

 

“You might not know how, but as long as you’re moving forward, that’s all that matters. Chasing those goals and when you get there, finding new ones. It’s easier said than done, but if you can drown everything out and move forward, you’ll always get there.”

 

A smile settles on my face. “You’re right. As long as I keep on moving forward, everything will be ok. Thank you.”  

 

I check my phone. Is that the time already?

“Practice starts soon.” 

 

“Don’t worry, just tell me the way and I’ll drop you off.” He starts to get up, but stops, taking my phone out my hands and typing something in it.

 

“Call me if you need anything.”

 

I keep Damien’s words in my head during that session. No matter how much my body aches or my head spins, I’m going to keep on going, I will move forward.

 

“We’re pretty much done. Thanks for helping with the music. Would you like to see?”

 

It’s Soonyoung. Talking to Jihoon. We’re the last three in the room. How did that happen?

 

“It’s been really fun.” I add. “I can’t wait for you to see.”

 

“Cool. I’ll get the music started.” Jihoon gets the laptop. Soonyoung drags a chair to the middle of the room.

 

Breathe.

 

I sink into the chair and close eyes. A slight second of darkness and a heavy exhale before  opening them again.

 

Okay, let’s do this.

 

The song starts and we begin. I mouth my parts as we move. 

 

I know every part of this routine almost too well. I take in every touch and bring out each movement.

 

Keep going, just keep moving, almost there.

 

But, why am I going backwards?

 

“Cami!” My body jolts still.

 

I fell. I should be on the floor, but I’m not. I’m warm and safe.

 

So warm. 

 

“Have some water.” Soonyoung helps me on the floor softly, I lean against the wall. Jihoon eases a cool plastic bottle into my hand.

 

Soonyoung caught me.

 

“You’re burning up.” He takes his palm away from my forehead. I’m so sweaty, it must feel so gross.

 

“When did you last eat?” Jihoon asks. 

 

“At lunch.” I croak. My throat is so dry. It takes more effort than usual to crack the lid open, I feel sweet relief holding the top to my mouth.

 

“You need to take care of yourself.” Soonyoung begs. 

 

I need to take care. I need to be careful. I’m moving forward, but am I happy with what I’m moving towards?

 

What do I want?