Seulgi (Spring, 1995)

She didn’t want to talk about it, and to be honest, she didn’t even want to think about it. What was that? Why did it happen? They were playing around, and it wasn’t as if they hadn’t been close to each other before. It was totally normal, but exactly in that moment when Joohyun was so close to her, Seulgi could almost feel the warmth radiating from her cheeks. It was a type of intimacy that felt as if she was going to leap out of her entire being.

Her eyes were very attentive and lost at the same time, as if she was going in and out of focus, and Seulgi didn’t know why it felt so fascinating. She wasn’t sure of who leaned in first, but somehow they had kissed, and somehow she felt her heart almost pound throughout her chest, her tensed shoulders almost falling apart by the heat of the moment.  It didn’t last for long, because she didn’t want to believe that she could feel something like that from her own best friend. Her own best friend who was a girl, who she kissed, and that was something she didn’t want to admit that she might have slightly enjoyed it. They never talked about it though, not on the way home, not the day after or any day later. It had gone weeks, and although things turned out to be the same, it still somehow lingered in the back of her mind at night, almost taunting her.

It was a hot day in May, to the point that they were let out of school earlier because no one could concentrate. They knew it was going to one of the hottest summers ever that year, and the season had barely begun. Seulgi had planned on walking home alone, mostly because Joohyun seemed to hang out a bit more with her other friends. She hadn’t ignored Seulgi, but at the same time it felt as if she avoided her a bit more than usual despite everything being somewhat normal. Maybe she was just overthinking things? It was a one-time thing, wasn’t it?

“Hey, SeulBear!” Seulgi turned around, knowing only one person would call her that, and she wasn’t sure why she felt something odd churn in her stomach. It was an odd mix of what seemed to be nervousness and a watered out feeling of excitement. Joohyun rode up on her old, worn out bike to peddle slowly beside Seulgi who was walking on the curb. She gestured for her to hop on, and Seulgi didn’t know exactly why she obeyed and leapt on the boiling hot rear-end of her metal-bike.

Although her school uniform skirt covered most parts of her lower body, she could still feel the heat throughout, but she didn’t want to mind or complain as Joohyun began riding towards the direction to their houses. Seulgi looked away from the blue skies and the blazing sun, to focus on the dark hair of Joohyun in front of her. Her small hands were gripped on the bike, riding in a moderate speed down the road, towards the left swing, and down another small hill before Seulgi saw the familiar ocean come to view.

She couldn’t see much of her face, but as she sat there, her hands gripping on the bike to stay balanced, she felt her gaze lightly study what she could see from her features. “You want to come over?” Seulgi offered without even thinking about it, but it wasn’t as if she was going to take the offer back. She had nothing to do, she did her homework in school and her parents were still at work. It wasn’t for any other reason than that, at least she thought so.

Joohyun, for a moment it seemed, almost hesitated. Seulgi wondered why, but as Joohyun nodded after a while with adding a “sure”, she figured it wasn’t more to think about. She let Seulgi get off the bike first, before they walked up the small rocky path to the gates of Seulgi’s house, her bike trailing between them. Things were a bit quiet, but Seulgi wanted to blame it on the hot weather and their need for water. “We got some strawberries,” Seulgi offered as she locked up the port, lightly watching Joohyun place her bike by the wall before following her up to the entrance.

“Of course you do,” she heard Joohyun reply softly, and Seulgi chuckled as they took off their shoes to walk inside. She made herself comfortable on the couch, the fan giving them a cool relief from the harsh sun outside, and Seulgi walked towards the kitchen in the meantime.

After an uneventful hour, they both somehow end up lying on the cool, wooden floor with the fan still running. Seulgi felt better then, because she had changed to a looser skirt and a tank top that was much more comfortable than their stiff school uniform.  She let Joohyun borrow some clothes that could almost have been hers. Generally because the light-haired girl seemed to use it more than Seulgi. It went to the point that if the actual owner were to wear that bright pink t-shirt or those white shorts, she would smell Joohyun’s scent and not her own.

She hadn’t thought of it before recently; about how good friends they were and how close they had been to each other for seven years. Actually, Joohyun was the closest friend she had ever had, even if they occasionally had their fall-outs. They never lasted for long, the longest being a week, and other than that they saw each other almost every day.

At the same time, if Seulgi were to be one hundred and ten percent honest, she had always found Joohyun very pretty. A lot more than the other persons around her at least, even more than Sehun, and he was probably the most attractive guy in their entire class. Although she usually brushed it off, because it’s normal to find other people attractive without being attracted, she started to wonder if that was it or if there really was something she didn’t want to admit. For all she knew, it could just be a game of experiencing. Seulgi had heard many other older girls and guys do it, mostly with the opposite , but sometimes they would be of the same. It was something both of her parents frowned upon, and Seulgi never really thought much about it… until then at least.

Their shoulders were touching, and Seulgi let her foot rest upon Joohyun’s ankle, and she still didn’t know why she felt so comfortable and slightly restless at the same time. The proximity between them was normal, and considering not-so-long-ago-recent events it made it feel as if everything was okay, but still it made her feel a bit odd. “You’re awfully quiet,” Joohyun began, and for once she seemed so calm and serene, as Seulgi turned to look over at her. It reminded her of the day at the field, when they were listening to music and when things happened.

“Is that not allowed?” Seulgi retorted, not really knowing what else to say. “Sehun said he preferred that girls didn’t talk too much.” She said it, not really because she knew Sehun had a thing for her and that she should like him back, but maybe to awake a reaction from Joohyun. Would she become jealous? Would she care? Would it even mean anything if she did or didn’t? Why should Seulgi even care if she would get a reaction from her?

“That must be one boring relationship,” Joohyun began looking absentmindedly up on the ceiling, the outline of her lips suddenly seeming very inviting. Her now auburn hair was sprawled over the floor, some over her shoulders, her hand on her stomach. Seulgi let herself turn around to face Joohyun. “I mean, I don’t really like people talking too much either, but-“

Seulgi kissed her, and it was different than before. Maybe because she came in too hard, too deep for her to really calm down and properly plan things. She didn’t even let Joohyun finish her sentence, as she closed her eyes shut just to take in the feeling.  Joohyun’s lips were a bit dry and chapped up from the heat, and they were slightly agape in surprise. They were still warm and soft however, and although the position was a bit awkward and Seulgi didn’t know where to put her hands, she still felt something in her chest beat loudly. She hadn’t planned this through, but maybe she could blame it on curiosity or hormones. Although she wasn’t really sure, because it felt a bit better than what she thought it would. Even if Joohyun tasted strawberries and Seulgi hated that flavor, she couldn’t help it.

It took a moment for Joohyun to do anything, and though Seulgi was about to pull away, she felt the girl beneath her slowly respond. She seemed a bit uncertain, and it didn’t surprise Seulgi one bit because she was so herself. She had no idea over what she was really doing, had no idea if she was even doing it right and she didn’t even know how she felt about it at all. However, she could almost hear her heart beating loudly throughout the room, overbearing the buzz from the air conditioner and the ticks on the clock. It made her ears feel a bit warm, and the coursing pulse of Joohyun’s veins ran beneath her fingers the moment she let her hand rest on her neck. That particular kiss felt so, so different from the previous one she shared with Joohyun. It was good, and so weird, and so confusing to her all at once, like a reoccurring wave sending out different vibes with each hit.

When they parted after what felt like forever, although it must have been less than a minute in reality, she felt so light-headed to the point that she thought she was going to collapse. Her hands were shaking, slightly trembling upon the soft skin of Joohyun’s neck, with her heart continuing to beat much faster than usual. She had barely realized that she had held her breath the entire time, her chest heaving slowly in and out as if to catch her breath.

Safe to say, they kissed a lot after that.

Sometimes they hid behind dirty bathroom stalls in between classes; at times planned and at other times coincidentally. If they were a bit more daring, they kissed slowly when no one was around in the halls with Seulgi’s back pressed up uncomfortably to a locker, and Joohyun’s lips on hers. When her own courage allowed her to, she let her arms wrap around her waist, but for the most parts she settled for keeping them on Joohyun’s shoulders. Out of school they usually continued in Seulgi’s garden when no one was around, when they were swimming in the ocean, when Joohyun was bicycling around the neighborhood with Seulgi along, or any other occasion that allowed it.

They usually went very slow, and things didn’t really escalate any further then a couple of pecks or lingering kisses. Seulgi had always been shy and hesitant, and she rarely started it because she hadn’t dared since the last time. She wasn’t even sure if what she felt was something close to a real feeling, or if it was her wanting to try something new.

The one thing she was sure of, however, was that she didn’t really think it could feel as good as it did with Joohyun. There was something about the way Joohyun clumsily took control, the light grip she had when she held onto her wrist shyly yet consciously. The auburn girl was filled with many polar opposites of being secure and insecure at the same time, which only made the experience itself feel deeper, better and almost stronger.