Seulgi (Early Spring, 1998)

It was a cloudy, very early morning when Seulgi stepped out of the bedroom, a loose sweater on her body around five am. The wind passed through the slightly opened kitchen window; they must have forgotten to close it last night, as she stood right in front of it where the sink was located. The view wasn’t much except for a garden filled with melting bits of snow and ice, only a small fragment of the ocean visible through the window. The ocean was mostly frozen over, with huge blocks of thin ice floating upon the water, the remains of snow on top, and had she been home she would have seen the icy rocks as well.

A lot was on her mind that morning, spinning around like an old record as she got herself a glass of water. Sipping on the cool liquid, she tried to calm herself down by looking at the white sky and gray light, but it gave her nothing but a headache.

She turned around to enter the bedroom again, her head still hurting a bit, but it was more a dull pound than anything else. For a moment she wanted to appreciate the silence the room offered, but the silence was also too loud to bear. The awkwardness between her and Sehun was seeping through the air.  “Are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?” was the first thing Sehun said to her when she returned, sitting on the messy bed with nothing but his pajama pants on. Seulgi held onto the length of her sweater, feeling a bit uncomfortable by his stare, before sitting down a small distance away. She really had no idea on what to say, the early morning with no sleep making her confused.

They were the only ones in the house; his parents had some kind of anniversary they decided to celebrate overseas, which meant he would have the “entire house to himself”. Seulgi wasn’t dumb when he told him that; she knew exactly what was on his mind. Now, don’t get her wrong because Sehun was actually a very nice guy. He didn’t try to push her to anything she didn’t want to do, or threat her in anyway. As a boyfriend he was kind, gentle and most of all he tried to make sure he could be the best he could be.

They hadn’t done much at first; they kissed and made out a couple of times, she even let him touch or feel her up, but even if things did go a bit overboard she didn’t really feel anything. To be honest she wasn’t even aroused, not disgusted, but she didn’t really care at the same time. The first time they had was in his room, it was the only place they actually had ever done it, and it was clumsy and awkward hands and no coordination. Of course it made sense that she couldn’t get off the first time; it went by too fast for either one to really grasp it. Besides it was their first time with a guy and no first times are perfect, not even the one she had with… No, she wasn’t going to dwell on that anymore. However, she couldn’t help thinking though that when she did this with Joohyun, she could come undone with just a few well-placed touches and kisses, but she let the thought disappear immediately.

She thought it was just a temporary thing until she would get used to it, and she’d probably like it the more she tried, but this had been the fifth time and still… nothing. She could probably get close, but whenever she felt as if she was on the brink of getting there, she lost it and it all fell down like a retreating force.  “Seulgi?” his voice echoed through her mind as if he was in an empty room, because Seulgi felt far gone in that moment. Lost in her own thoughts, she held onto the edge of her sweater tighter before swallowing a bit, trying to figure out what to say.

“It’s nothing, I’m just not used to it yet,” was the only and same excuse she had used every single time, and it was a horrible lie because she knew the truth, but she didn’t want to say it. She didn’t want to admit it out loud, or even for herself, that she was thinking of an entirely different person instead.

The time ticked on, Sehun sighed a bit frustrated, but he said nothing more to it. He probably knew that there was no reason in trying to push her, because Seulgi felt so locked up in that moment that she believed no one could get her out. She couldn’t be there anymore either, the surroundings and him making her want to suffocate herself by doubt and her deepest thoughts. “I’m going home, I don’t feel too well,” she said, even if it was the break of dawn and it would be weird if she came home so early. Still, she had no desire to be there anymore.

She got up from the bed again, slipping on her pants in silence before she grabbed her things and walked out the door. Sehun said nothing, not even when she closed the front door and walked down the porch towards her home. Her steps were slow, taking her time to look up at the silver clouds that supported the chilly wind flying right past her thin clothing. There were multiple puddles on the concrete, from the melting ice and snow, making her shoes soaked, yet she couldn’t bother caring about it. She knew so damn well what was wrong, so well that it made her feel weak just by thinking about it. She knew that there was only one person she wanted to see right then and there, and yet she had no idea what to say.

Time passed as she neared the familiar street that lead towards her home, Joohyun’s house by her right, and she let her gaze wander to see the said home. Joohyun had her room directed straight to their home; she couldn’t see if the lights were on or off unless she stood in their own garden, so she had no idea if Joohyun was awake or not. Her ears picked up the wind, which caused the waves to push themselves a bit harsher on the rocks and the dock, lapping against the steady land with such a force that she was sure it would tear down everything. She stood by Joohyun’s gate for a while more, before she took the remaining steps back to her own house. Seulgi was about to go inside, but she couldn’t resist her urge to turn around to see in Joohyun’s window, only to see if there was some kind of sign…

The lights were on, and with the brightening sky it was a bit tougher to see at first, but they were. Why was she up so late? Seulgi could ask herself the same question, although she knew, as she was torn between walking further away or closer to where Joohyun might be.

After a moment she dropped the bag and cautiously headed towards the gate separating the two properties, climbing over it before ending up by Joohyun’s window. She doubted Joohyun was looking out of it, and the curtains were drawn, but she tapped it anyway in hopes for the best. A second passed, and then two, then three before the curtains were pulled away ever so gently to reveal Joohyun’s surprised eyes and expression. Her eyelids widened a bit, her dark orbs looking back at Seulgi in slight shock, yet not in the positive way Seulgi almost wished for despite everything. She had been a jerk to Joohyun, she wasn’t even going to deny it, and it wouldn’t surprise her if Joohyun was going to punch her in the face through the glass that separated them. It took a while before Joohyun cracked open the window enough for Seulgi to be heard, her entire body leaning a bit closer, asking if she could come in despite it being so late, or early, or whatever. Another flash of doubt went through Joohyun’s eyes, but she let her nevertheless, saying the back door was open and that her parents wouldn’t mind. They never minded Seulgi’s visits, even if it was during the strangest hours.

The house was warm and comfortable, smelling like coffee and spices from the cakes Joohyun’s mother always bake. That and something that was so unique to this whole family she had no idea on what to say about it, but she knew that there was always this calming effect by being there. She didn’t really visit them as often as Joohyun visited them and yet she still felt so at place. Her steps padded through the living room, past the kitchen and over to Joohyun’s white door, opening it to see the said girl sitting by her desk. There were a bunch of papers strewn everywhere, pencils and pens and erasers adding to the mess along with a ruler.  Joohyun let down the pencil on top of the many sketches when she entered, and Seulgi was curious over what she was drawing. “I’m studying architecture,” Joohyun replied then, her voice stuck between nothing and everything at the same time. “I’m planning on looking into some schools later,” she continued before straightening her posture, waiting for Seulgi to sit down on the small chair not too far away, and she did.

Joohyun becoming an architect didn’t surprise her; she was always a talented drawer and she had so many ideas that she never shared, but kept to herself. Seulgi had seen her sketches once on an occasion, and was impressed even if she didn’t get to study it fully. Seulgi was a bit more on math and numbers, working around the clock with the big sums in her head and the formulas of x and y. She didn’t love it, but she didn’t hate it either and she was good at it, and she had a feeling she’d be working with it anyway. Despite her usually timid nature, she had grown, and she wasn’t too uncomfortable with big crowds and presentations, and wow she had changed so much from the weird kid no one used to like.

She looked at Joohyun, the girl who helped her break out her shell, who was her closest friend through everything. What would she do without her? Yet she knew she was the one hurting her, and she had to stop denying how Joohyun was acting around her and brushing it off as nothing. Because Seulgi was an analyzer, a too good one in fact, and she knew that Joohyun wasn’t the one who wanted to stay as just friends. But Seulgi didn’t know what she herself wanted. She was stuck between wanting Joohyun and wanting to be what others would call “normal”. Even if the idea of making same- love sound wrong made her sick, she knew it was what people normally thought about lovers like that. No one would accept them, she couldn’t love or even like Joohyun as something else than friend without being disowned by her entire family. Love, she thought then, was a luxury not anyone could afford. “What brings you here?” Joohyun asked casually, removing a strand of her hair from her face.

Seulgi shrugged. “I don’t know,” she replied, and waited for Joohyun to say or ask something more, but she didn’t and silence fell between them. It was an odd sort of awkward where she wasn’t sure if it was a bad or not so bad thing. They usually never had awkward silences together; they were always so comfortable around each other. A moment passed as Seulgi wanted to break the silence, and said the first thing on her mind when she saw the many sketches of buildings. “You know, I want a house similar to that,” she said whilst picking up a fairly modern built house, two stories and brick walls. “Except I want a huge window overlooking the ocean, and a large patio for me to drink tea by the shore.” Joohyun didn’t say anything; Seulgi didn’t give her the time as she continued. She had a thing for rambling and beating around the bush when she was nervous. “I always begged mom to buy a table and two chairs to have outside, but she doesn’t bother with it. She doesn’t seem to appreciate the view of the ocean anymore, it reminds her too much of dad…”

Then the room felt still again, Seulgi not knowing why she just said that. It was true that the ocean reminded them a lot of her father, he used to go fishing a lot and he built the house next to the sea because he felt at peace there. But she didn’t mean to actually mention him and their parents failed marriage. “I can’t envision that in my room,” Joohyun suddenly said for an apparent reason. “Let’s go outside,” Joohyun continued, and Seulgi was glad she didn’t mention what she was thinking about because she couldn’t handle thinking about her parents anymore. Seulgi didn’t know why, but she nodded and they ended up walking towards the small hill by Seulgi’s house next to the waves despite the cold. They sat on Joohyun’s dad’s big jacket, not too far away from where certain things happened, the coldness and crisp air running through their lungs.

Joohyun picked up her pencil in a moment, drawing the outlines and plans of a house into the sketchbook ever so slowly. Every line seemed was drawn so carefully and faintly, yet so well thought of and good that it didn’t matter. “I’d have to have a room for the kids; two of them, a girl and a boy, and maybe a cat,” Seulgi said jokingly as she watched Joohyun do her work. “Promise me you’ll build it for me when you become a rich and famous architecture?” she asked, more as a joke than anything else, earning a slight snort by the said girl before she continued writing down something. “Do you hate me?” Seulgi asked between the lapping waves on the rocks and the whirling wind, her hair moving along the breeze as her hands found warmth underneath her own thighs. Her mind had returned back towards the last events, when she suddenly approved the out-of-the-blue confession Sehun gave her despite whatever they had going on, and to how they hadn’t actually held a real conversation in over a month.

Joohyun shook her head then a bit too certain, which made Seulgi, come close to worrying. She almost wanted Joohyun to hate her. She almost wanted Joohyun to yell at her and tell her that she was wrong, that she should have manned up and took her hand instead of Sehun. For a fleeting she wondered if Joohyun even wanted Seulgi to fight for her. “I don’t hate you,” she said then, her grip on the pencil loosening a bit as she continued to sketch the house Seulgi described. “You said there was no commitment; I can’t blame you for finding what you needed in someone else.” No, she was only half right in that; Sehun may have been the right one that she needed to be accepted, but Joohyun was the one she needed to technically be happy. It was so damn loud and clear that Seulgi almost wondered why she couldn’t stop lying to herself, but the excessive fear and anxiety couldn’t be ignored. She wasn’t sure of what to do. “What do I mean to you?” Joohyun asked back with the raging waves in the background, the sky turning lighter by the passing minutes, and the sound of the small town waking up ever so slowly on a Sunday morning.

“You’re my best friend, of course you mean a lot to me,” Seulgi said, but she wasn’t sure if she was lying or not. Joohyun was her best friend, her closest friend, the one who she could confine in and yet it wasn’t enough being her friend. She wanted to kiss her, hold her, be close to her in ways that was more than just friends and she had made it so clear. But not in the way she really wanted it to be.

“That’s the thing Seulgi; I don’t want to be your friend,” Joohyun began then, sounding a bit passive aggressive in her tone. She wasn’t raging with fire, her voice was steady and calm, yet her eyes screamed of fury and general anger that had built itself up over time. “I don’t want to be your buddy. I want you to want me, not ually, but emotionally and deeper than something so shallow,” she continued while gripping onto the book, and for a moment it appeared as if she needed it to hold onto herself, and Seulgi felt her hands tremble by each word. Then, out of nowhere, Joohyun blurted those three words that changed everything about them as they knew of. “I love you,” Joohyun confessed without even giving Seulgi the time to reply. “And I hate to say it. People always say how they feel better and lighter and happier when they admit it, but it makes me want to cry.” There was a bitter laugh escaping Joohyun’s slightly chapped up lips, her eyes boring straight into Seulgi while uttering ever single word, making its way into her mind in a manic way. “I love you, and I must be a masochist because it pains me to the core by just saying it.”

Seulgi was at loss for words; what was there to say? She expected it, but it felt like the time when she was a little girl jumping from a diving board for the first time. You know you’re going to fall, but you have no idea how it will make you feel or what will happen when you land in the water. She expected the confession, yet she had no idea how it would make her feel. “I’m sorry,” was the first and only thing she could utter, not having an idea over what she was going to apologize for. For probably feeling the same, yet not wanting to accept her feelings? For being a coward? For not being the one for Joohyun?

Joohyun’s eyes were cold, but they were still concealed in a certain vulnerability that made Seulgi just want to hug her and make her forget everything. Hell, if she could, she would get rid of Joohyun’s pain, but there was no way she could do it. “I know you are,” Joohyun replied with a soft voice instead of shouting, instead of cursing, instead of bursting into flames by the stupidity of it all. She was hurt, that wasn’t tough to see, Seulgi noticed the tears threatening to fall because she had the same urge, and Seulgi rarely cried. “I can’t be your friend anymore,” said Joohyun as she got up slowly. “So let’s just end everything, please, it’s the best,” her eyes were almost pleading, along with her voice, her lips cast in a slight frown. Seulgi got up from where they sat as well, watching Joohyun’s shoulders slump through her oversized clothes, and her hollow cheeks were more evident. She had lost weight, grown paler, and she looked like hell and Seulgi didn’t even notice before then.

So Seulgi turned around; ready to go, to end their friendship that she thought could survive everything. Her action was the proof and the answer to it, and she couldn’t say anything without wanting to sob instead, trying to hold in the tears. Yet she learned that love played the part in tearing them away from each other for good; nothing could be the same anymore. “I’m sorry for believing things could be different,” Joohyun’s words echoed through Seulgi’s ears, the image of tears streaming down Joohyun’s tired face haunting her. She sounded as if she was finally done. Seulgi didn’t think too much of it before, but there was always this gleam of hope in the shorter girl’s eyes. She had a feeling that the spark had disappeared and died the moment she uttered those words, but she didn’t turn around to check, she couldn’t do it without wanting to fall apart.

Seulgi was right about one thing; love couldn’t conquer all. It tore apart her family, and now her friendship and she wondered how she was ever going to survive this world hating the sole emotion that everyone needed.