Joohyun (Present)

For a while there was nothing to be heard between Irene and Wendy, well, except for the early morning traffic from the city below and the ticking clock. Irene had finished explaining that one part of the story, her mind remembering events that shouldn’t have been so clear, making her lips shut themselves in fear of revealing more. She wasn’t really sure of how Wendy was really taking it; she hadn’t said an entire word, something that was very unlike her. Then again, what do you really say when you hear about your fiancée’s ex “love”? Honestly, had Irene been her she wouldn’t know what to say either. Sure the past was the past, she didn’t even think too much of Seulgi before recently, but even if it was such a long time ago there was still that one part that couldn’t die out. Something lingered, even now when things ended like they did.

It took a couple of seconds, a slight sigh, and another while before Wendy began to speak. It wasn’t really what the other woman expected it to be though, whatever Irene was expecting. “So that’s why you don’t like your real name,” she commented, and Irene almost felt a tad bit confused, before she slowly began to realize what Wendy meant. She didn’t say anything however and let her continue. “It reminds you too much of the past.”

Irene hadn’t really thought of it that way; not really. The first time they met, Wendy wasn’t too good at Korean during the time; she said her name was Irene. Mostly because she knew Wendy wouldn’t be able to pronounce Joohyun, despite her Korean heritage. The only reason she even picked that name was because she had just seen a movie where a character was named it, and she liked it.

But when Wendy said those words, she wasn’t entirely wrong either. Joohyun reminded her too much of the girl she used to be, reminded her too much of Seulgi to be honest, so she didn’t mind the change. When she became “Irene” she felt more confident and secure of herself, although it took a while for her to achieve. If she were to go back to little Joohyun then… “Well, what has happened has happened,” Irene said then, looking at Wendy’s direction yet not really seeing her. She felt like a blur, or an out of placed figure. “But now you know why, and it still kind of hurts even after all these years... Why am I being so pathetic?”

A hand touched her shoulder, her gently, something that always seemed to comfort her. “You’re not pathetic,” Wendy said, Irene was sure she was going to say it anyway, before she was engulfed in her warm embrace. “I’m just the one who’s scared.” Irene wanted to pretend that she didn’t understand why Wendy would be scared, but she couldn’t get herself to. She was honestly a bit torn in that moment, because even if Seulgi and her had such a bad history, there was still something there even after all these years. She could feel it deep down; no matter how much she tried to hide it, and whenever Seulgi was near there was still something that made her heart almost leap to . A pain that felt too unbearable, yet a type of yearning that had been lingering for so long.

Irene was scared of falling for Seulgi again, for the wrong one, even if it felt so damn right. “I don’t want you to be,” Irene replied after a while, her eyes nearly shut, trying to relax in the familiar warmth. Wendy’s scent lingered through her nose, it usually calmed her or made her feel so secure, yet this time it only made her feel nausea. “Sometimes I wished I never loved her, even if we had our good days,” she continued before they both parted.

“But do you still love her?” Wendy asked the inevitable question; Irene had secretly been waiting for it all along. It was the one question she never wanted to answer, not in front of someone she loved right now, someone she was supposed to marry. Irene didn’t answer, but Wendy seemed to understand as something sad drifted through her brown eyes. It wasn’t exactly the answer she wanted, it wasn’t a surprise really, and no one wants to hear that their fiancée might still love their first love.

Wendy let out a broken sigh, adjusting her sweater before straightening out her hair, blinking her eyes to hide threatening tears. She wanted to cry, she was about to, but she was holding it in. Irene knew her too well; she always knew how to read Wendy and always knew how to comfort her when she was in pain. But Irene never knew how to do it when she was the main source of her pain. “I gotta get to work,” Wendy shared then, her voice a bit hoarse before she hastily got up. Irene watched her walk from the window bed, grabbing her coat and purse before putting on her high heeled shoes. She was about to forget her keys again, Wendy always had a bad habit by doing that, and Irene followed her shortly to see the flustered woman search her purse.

“Here,” Irene gave her the keys, but she couldn’t look into Wendy’s eyes. She felt too ashamed, too awkward, something she never wanted to experience with her. Wendy only took the keys, thanking her, before walking out of the door and probably down to the garage to get her car. The apartment fell still again. Irene couldn’t help it, but she looked at the clock ticking on the wall. Wendy wasn’t supposed to leave before an hour.

**

It took Irene a while before she managed to get herself halfway together again; almost a week to be exact. She pretended that she was sick, and since she never took a single sick day in her entire career, they let her without really asking for what disease she had. If she had the energy to, she would have said she was heart sick, but that wouldn’t go too well. Wendy and her, well… things had been tense. It had been so tense that Wendy stopped coming home, saying she was staying over at a friend’s house, and Irene didn’t even bother arguing about it. They both needed their space in that moment, and Irene had to figure out what she really wanted. During that time, she couldn’t help but wonder if she really did love Seulgi or if it was just nostalgia making her remember things to be better than what they were. They were only two kids, they were too young and everything went so fast.

She was sitting on the sofa, mindlessly watching a series she didn’t even pay attention to, before the doorbell rang. It wasn’t late, but it was still a bit odd for someone to want to visit her now. A bit skeptical, but not having anything better to do, she walked over to the door and opened it without even thinking. “I was about to report a missing ad on you,” Seulgi chimed the minute they saw each other. Her hair was let loose, and she was wearing a very simple outfit compared to her other stylish brands. She still looked beautiful however, even in jeans and a plain t-shirt, and Irene honestly wanted to die. Seulgi was the last person she wanted to see, and possibly one of the first. It gave her mixed emotions. Irene let her in however, she didn’t feel like arguing, and she didn’t even bother watching Seulgi remove her shoes. “Isn’t Wendy home yet?” Seulgi asked, almost as if she was a friend and not… well, anything else really. Irene didn’t reply before she headed towards the kitchen, asking if she wanted anything. She almost started brewing the coffee before Seulgi replied.

It took Irene a few minutes and a sip of tea before she actually noticed the box Seulgi brought with her. It wasn’t exactly huge, but it was big enough for her to have to use both of her hands. “This is going to sound weird, but I found some of your old stuff you used to have at our place while we were cleaning out the house a couple of months ago and forgot to give it back,” Seulgi began as she placed it on the white kitchen table. A bit curious, Irene peered down on the cardboard box, seeing only a couple of things through the slightly hooded lid. A moment passed before Seulgi’s hands removed them to reveal a bunch of items that were a blast from the past. “I don’t know if you even want any of this, but figured it would be rude to simply throw it away,” Seulgi almost held the entire conversation for herself. Irene hadn’t really said anything else except for offering her some coffee.

Most of it was stuff she had honestly forgotten; random bracelets, CD’s, books and clothing items. Although most of it wasn’t anything she needed, she was sort of glad Seulgi came over with it either way. She didn’t even know if she was going to keep it or throw it away herself, but it was sort of fun looking back at everything despite all the mess. “Here’s another shirt,” Seulgi said while passing over a pink t-shirt, a bit large in size even now. Irene grabbed the said item, unfolded it before letting a confused expression grace her face.

“Wasn’t this yours?” Irene couldn’t help but ask, letting Seulgi look at it again. Her eyes scanned the pink-colored fabric, and she was thinking, but she only shrugged.

She focused on whatever was in the box for a second or two before something lit up in her eyes. “Oh right!” she seemed to have realized her mistake. “Well it is technically mine, but you were the one who wore it all the time so I must have thought so,” Seulgi continued with a small smile, nothing hidden behind it, yet it made Irene feel a bit odd by it. “Besides I don’t even like pink that much; bears don’t wear pink” she began jokingly, and Irene only rolled her eyes before tucking the shirt away to see what else was left. It wasn’t a lot; the box seemed to be getting roomier and roomier for each passing moment.

The entire vibe was surprisingly good; they reminisced about old things based on their early friendship and not even once did they mention anything else. If Irene would allow herself to, she would almost say it was fun being with Seulgi; cracking jokes and insulting each other with humor. It was the first time Irene had smiled or even laughed in a while.  Seulgi picked up the last item in the box they were towering above. A black, hardcover item with a smooth surface and many pages inside… Her first sketchbook. Irene had a feeling she forgot it in Seulgi’s garden, she didn’t quite remember because she bought a new one if she remembered correctly. Still, it was a bit odd seeing it again; she forgot about it even when she sort of lost it.

Seulgi decided to open the book however, going through the pages of old and slightly yellowing pages filled with sketches that Irene almost made her want to cringe. It was very odd for her to see it, although she had improved drastically. When Seulgi stopped on one of the last pages, there was a familiar sketch with some handwriting, showing the idea of a house that probably used to be Seulgi’s dream home. It was from the day certain things happened, back to the first sort of departure. “I almost forgot about this one,” Seulgi commented, and Irene wanted to say the same, but when she saw it she remembered it all too well. Seulgi’s hands traced the drawing ever so lightly, some of the pencil marks fading a bit by it, yet she didn’t seem to mind. “Two kids and a spot for me to look at the ocean,” Seulgi mused to herself ever so softly, yet Irene still heard it. She let her eyes glide from the page and over to the woman beside her, the image of her profile illuminated by the yellow kitchen light. “I was stupid back then,” she continued, but her eyes didn’t leave the image, and she either didn’t notice or care that Irene was still looking at her.

“I know,” Irene said then, not sounding bitter or mad. She just said it, as if it was the answer of an average question or remark. It was true, Seulgi was and she wasn’t going to deny it, yet she couldn’t help but think of everything that happened later.

“In those thousand days, did you know?”

Those exact lyrics echoed through Irene’s head then, not really knowing where they came from, but it seemed to fit the situation. It was that damn song again, creeping up into her head… She almost didn’t register the fact that Seulgi had turned around to face her, probably to say something, but they were suddenly so close that she could feel her warmth and smell her scent if she tried. Seulgi wasn’t wearing any makeup, and her skin had aged ever so slightly, yet she seemed more mature than old. She looked gorgeous, and that same look in her eyes almost made Joohyun’s heart stop.

Joohyun…

Seulgi didn’t say anything; she wasn’t the one calling her Joohyun. It was all in her head, and she had no idea where that thought came from, and yet her heart started racing underneath her chest. There was that coursing, fast and nearly painful sensation in her lungs, a feeling that only got amplified the closer they got. It almost made her dizzy, her hand lightly brushing against Seulgi’s, her lips close to hers… But even if she wanted to take that last jump and dive into it, she couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right, not for Wendy, not for her or for them. She knew she wasn’t supposed to do it, although she had to make a decision, but at this point she didn’t know what to do.

Irene harshly turned away, coughing slightly while trying to regain her breath. Her heart was almost pounding onto her with such a force she could hear her ears ring. “I think you should go,” she said then, trying to sound cold, yet it became much weaker than what she wanted it to be.

“Joohyun,” Seulgi began, her hand touching Irene’s shoulder, making her tense up a bit despite the rush inside. Irene pretended as if she couldn’t hear it, shuffling out the kitchen and locking herself into the bedroom, not wanting to cry. She didn’t want to shed more tears, she had enough of it, and she had to calm down. She didn’t know who to choose, and she couldn’t make up her mind if she was supposed to follow her lovely future or her broken yet oddly beautiful past.

After a while she could hear footsteps and a door close, indicating the exit of Seulgi, and she wondered if she would ever be able to make up her mind.