Joohyun (Spring, 1999)

She woke up one Sunday morning in during the spring, watching the white ceiling of her room again, tiredness creeping through her eyes. Blinking them once, twice, and another time, she tried to ignore the dull headache as she sat up straight.  Joohyun had this feeling about something, something that didn’t really concern her, that shouldn’t at least, but she felt it anyway. She got up, did her usual morning routine a bit slower than usual, but it was so light outside that the brightness almost made her head hurt more. Maybe that caused all the slow movement, maybe.

Her parents weren’t home; they went to church without her again, but Joohyun was never much of a believer. They stopped forcing her to go when she was fifteen, she hadn’t thought of it ever since. But she never woke up this early, she usually slept in because she was up all night either sketching or just staring at the ceiling. She didn’t sleep well nowadays, and she felt more awake during the night than the day. Maybe it was the moon, she always liked looking at it; it was less blinding than the sun and it shone so bright over the dark sky. Standing by her room again, she looked out the window only to see the neighbor’s house. The same one that had looked like that all these years, the waves lapping on the rocks, the green grass swaying with the wind…

Seulgi changed the curtains again, white instead of the pale yellow that she usually had. Maybe she changed her style, but Joohyun wouldn’t know as they had drifted apart. Surprisingly though, they still spoke to each other at times. Sometimes in class when Seulgi asked if they had homework, or the time Joohyun forgot her text book so she had to sit with Seulgi and discuss whatever literature question they got. On the good days, when Joohyun was in the mood, she’d even say hi to her when they passed each other down the halls. No, they didn’t really avoid each other, but they weren’t close. Their conversations had no depth anymore; it was all small talk and the weather, not about whatever went through their minds. Seulgi didn’t laugh of a stupid joke Joohyun made, but rather because someone else told it. Nor did she smile that certain way whenever they met; she still smiled however, but it wasn’t the same. It was so clearly that they were turning into that awkward phase where they didn’t even know what to say to each other anymore. The only thing Joohyun heard about Seulgi was ironically enough that her and Sehun broke up. That was only a few days ago, but even if Joohyun was sort of maybe really hoping for Seulgi to come around again, she didn’t. To think of it, she hadn’t seen much of her at all after that, except for school of course.

Joohyun wasn’t sure about what brought her to walk over to Seulgi’s house, it was only ten am, and she didn’t have a reason to visit anymore. They weren’t that loathing term friends with benefits (hell, they weren’t even friends), and as Joohyun knocked on the door she wanted to hit herself. Why was she always the one coming back, and not Seulgi? The girl of her thoughts opens the door, hair messily tied up in a bun and sleep evident in her entire face. She must have woken up just recently; her face wasn’t even washed, and her clothes were wrinkly. “Why are you here?” Seulgi asked, confusion evident in her already dazed expression, letting her vacant hand rub her eyes ever so slightly. She didn’t sound mad, just surprised, and it made sense because Joohyun hadn’t visited her since that day… one year ago. It was insane how much time had flown.

“I don’t know,” Joohyun said honestly. It seemed like a sick irony as she stood in front of their door with the morning sun shining through the porch. She should know; she was the one who stopped by, even if she had no idea of what to say.

Honestly, she almost expected Seulgi to judge her or something, even if she rarely did. Instead, she smiled bit faintly, her eyes closing a bit as they still seemed tired. She spoke softly. “Hungry?” was the question that popped out, and Joohyun thought it was extremely random, but when she felt her stomach rumble a bit just by mentioning that word. “Come on, I think my mom bought some strawberries yesterday,” Seulgi offered, opening up the door for her, actually letting Joohyun in. There was the familiar scent of their home, something so typically them that it brought many memories even if they weren’t that significant. It didn’t remind her of the kisses or the or the arguing, but rather of those platonic moments they shared as friends. Back to the time they used to play inside the stormy days as kids or when they listened to music in her room after school.

And as they sat by the kitchen table, a bowl of strawberries between them that only Joohyun ate, it felt like they were two best friends who didn’t screw everything up with these emotions. Back to when they used to hang out and talk about nothing and everything all at the same time. Seulgi chuckled after a funny story Joohyun shared, taking a sip of her juice before placing it down. She was still in her night wear, and Joohyun was still in hers. It reminded her of the times she used to stay the night, when they had both been laughing until dawn and woken up in the afternoon, lying to Seulgi’s mother that they’d been awake for a long time they just didn’t bother stepping out before three pm.

Things were weirdly enough nice, but even if it felt comfortable, there was still this doubt lingering between them. About the unsaid things, the questions Joohyun didn’t dare ask because she didn’t want to break the nice atmosphere by bringing up something about them. Joohyun didn’t have to, because for the first time, Seulgi was the one who brought it up… sort of. “I’ve missed having you here, you know,” she began softly, the mood going to something more serious, her hands lazily tracing circles on the glass. “For a while I thought we’d never speak to each other again,” she continued with a short pause. “I mean real talk, not about what we think about Mr. Lee’s boring classes.”

Joohyun smiled a bit by that, glad Seulgi felt the same despite everything. “Yeah,” she agreed shortly, the sweet taste of strawberries lingering on her tongue. “I guess it is.”

It took another short conversation, however, before Seulgi suddenly voiced out something Joohyun honestly didn’t expect. “You still don’t want to be just friends, do you?” she had asked to be exact, making Joohyun’s eyes widen a little, but she didn’t get the time to reply. Seulgi sighed, and she seemed a bit tormented. “I wanted to say that it’s probably too late and that you’ve moved on, but really, I hope I’m wrong,” she began and despite this 360 degree conversation change, she still felt her heartbeat quicken up by the thought.

But, she didn’t want to get her hopes up; she couldn’t afford it this time. Because even if Seulgi did say the words she wanted to hear, that she waited for again so long, it probably was too late… Not really because Joohyun didn’t want to be with her anymore, embarrassingly she still really, really wants to. Yes, even after a year and after everything because no matter if she hung out with other people, Seulgi was still… well, the one she wanted to be with the most.  She was such a love sick girl. “The thing is, you probably already knew, but I never liked Sehun in that way,” Seulgi admitted then. “He’s nice and all, but it just didn’t work out and you probably know why, even if it’s sort of embarrassing to say this out loud, but…” Joohyun took a sharp inhale, even if she wasn’t the one speaking, but this couldn’t be… could it? “It took me a while to realize and come to terms with myself, and even if I want to be with you... My mother wouldn’t accept it.”

Maybe it wasn’t the three words Joohyun sort of hoped for, but getting that from Seulgi was probably the closest she could ever get and she seemed so sincere despite the sad news that she really couldn’t. Even when Joohyun looked into her eyes, trying to see if it was a joke or if it was something else, but they were honest. She actually seemed to mean it, and it made Joohyun’s poor heart almost swell in happiness.  But she couldn’t stay happy for long, because the crashing reality fell on her as she just had to say something herself. Not only because their parents would never accept them, but something else. “Seulgi, I…” Joohyun took a deep breath, and she saw Seulgi’s shoulders slump, probably awaiting a rejection. For a while one part of Joohyun wanted to say she didn’t feel the same just to mess with her, but now she figured it wasn’t the time to joke around. “I still feel the same,” Joohyun only smiled faintly.

“But?” Seulgi asked, her voice a mix of disappointment and hurt, although she tried to keep her composure. Joohyun let out another sigh before replying, watching the sunlight fall upon Seulgi’s morning face that seemed so pure then.

“We’re moving to Seoul again,” Joohyun dropped the bomb, thinking that this was honestly the worst moment she could have said that, a small lump in . “Not right away, but after the summer.”

Seulgi only nodded then, almost something alike defeat in her eyes, and things turned a bit sad. Because Joohyun realized that even if they did love each other, there was always something pulling them apart, and Seulgi would never be able to fully be hers no matter how much she wanted to. “This ,” was the only thing Seulgi said then, and Joohyun nodded. “Looks like everything wants us to stay apart.”

No, Joohyun thought then, because they could fight and Joohyun could handle it. She just wasn’t sure if Seulgi would fight for her.