Joohyun (Late January, 1998)

That winter had given them little snow, and right after New Years it almost melted away. It would however, begin to rain soon; Joohyun could smell it in the air and almost feel the falling raindrops on her skin by the thought, the harsh wind howling past her windows. Another moment passed, and she looked up at the ceiling as she could imagine the dark skies above, yet the thought seemed to have vanished as quickly as it arrived.

Joohyun couldn’t help thinking about them, Seulgi and her, late at night in the solitude of her own room where she just snuck out through Seulgi’s window an hour ago. Her mind always ran free the nights she couldn’t sleep, and she didn’t like it at all. She never told Seulgi how she really felt, because honestly, she was scared to death about what could happen. Joohyun didn’t really know why she was so terrified, or she thought she did, but she could never be sure. The main part was one that she didn’t really want to believe, that Seulgi didn’t feel the same, but the more she thought about it the less sense it made. They were always locked away in Seulgi’s room with no one but each other, lips to lips, skin to skin, and Joohyun had little time to even think about anything or anyone else. She wasn’t sure if she hated the fact or absolutely loved it, feeling so full and empty and content and lacking all at once; there was no way to actually describe it because one minute Seulgi looked at her as if she was the only one, and the next she’d turn her back away and not say a single word.

“For those thousand days, did you know? That I had laughed a lot, and cried a lot too?” the voice of the singer ran through her ears, like a silent background noise meant to be ignored, yet it was still there. She wondered then why she thought of it so much, or why she still listened to it for that matter. The song wasn’t really anything special for her or something she liked to listen to. The CD was a bit scratchy after she accidently scraped her nail on it, Seulgi mentioning how clumsy she was and that she’d have to return the disk and the portable player back in one piece. Joohyun had borrowed it for a month now, and she wondered if Seulgi stopped caring about it or if she just forgot.

Anyway she was lying there; it was probably two am, listening to that one song on that one CD and she couldn’t help the thoughts that still ran through her mind… Did she like Seulgi as more than a friend? Did she even want this “friends with benefits” thing to continue or did she want to stop it? Most of all, even if Joohyun knew how she felt, she had no idea about Seulgi. Seulgi had been… nicer to her, if it makes sense. Not that she was particularly mean, but whenever they got together she’d always seem a bit detached. It was as if she was trying to look away or not focus, as if they weren’t doing anything at all even if either one of them could be undressed for that matter. Then for a while there was this look in her eye that held some softness, something a bit shiny and so deep Joohyun couldn’t even begin to describe it. Just like that time they went swimming, Joohyun had an imprinted image of that fleeting moment Seulgi looked down at her with something so heart-wrenching and raw that autumn on the hill when things happened. For a moment Joohyun almost believed that maybe, just maybe, something was there.

Then a month later Seulgi begun to talk about Sehun again, one of their classmates and she hadn’t spoken about him since ages ago. During the times they actually just hung out as if they were best friends again who did nothing intimate together, Seulgi would mention him and their conversations. At first it didn’t really bother Joohyun, and even if it came to the point that Seulgi once ditched her to hang out with him, it stopped and things sort of went back to normal. Still as of now she didn’t know what to do. Joohyun had no idea of how to describe the way she felt when Seulgi actually looked at her, when her soft voice spoke ever so gently yet a bit rushed when she was too excited or how she always managed to calm and pump Joohyun up at the same time just by a simple touch. She spent a good while thinking about it, wondering if she should take a chance and confess. Her heart was beating steadily yet faster in anticipation, the corner of her lips forming a faint smile, and she turned around to face the window with a new idea on her mind.

The next day after school, Joohyun skipped down the gates and waited by the school’s parking lot for Seulgi to arrive, excited for what might happen. The small speech she made up in her head during class was practically learned down to perfection, and she couldn’t wait just to see her, to ask if they could become something more, something stronger because being friends just wasn’t enough anymore. Joohyun had, on an odd whim, even thought about taking Seulgi’s hand and it made her feel even giddier inside. Well they had done much more intimate stuff than that, but they never held hands in public, and Joohyun had always wanted to try it. It was probably the small things Joohyun wanted to do the most; to have that first sort-of-awkward-date, to be able to hold onto her without being scared that people would judge them or Seulgi would feel embarrassed, and being able to actually be in her first relationship.

A minute or two passed, Seulgi hadn’t arrived yet and Joohyun wondered what was holding her back. They didn’t share the same classes during last period, but they usually met up at the same time by the gates. “I wouldn’t stand there and wait if I were you,” she heard Minji say, making her turn around to look at her. The black haired girl held onto the straps of her backpack, her stance very straight up and her top a little bit too low and her jacket ped. Joohyun wasn’t going to spend her time staring inappropriately however, as she guided her gaze to look up at her.

Joohyun remembered then that Minji and Seulgi took the same economies class together. “Why?” Joohyun had to ask, feeling a bit confused. It was rare that they didn’t walk home from school together, and especially now that Joohyun had some feelings she just wanted to scream out.

“You haven’t heard, have you?” Minji asked although it didn’t sound like a question. She sighed a bit before shrugging. “Words around that Sehun and Seulgi are a “thing”, and she said something about going to his place after school,” she continued, not sounding too careless and too interested at the same time. Joohyun felt her heart stop for a second there, something alike the feeling of cold water running down her spine which made her want to flinch, her lungs trying to remember how to breathe. For a moment it felt as if Minji was standing there with a knife in her hand, stabbing her right in the chest, even if she was a good distance away and Joohyun thought the one who was really holding the knife was Seulgi. “You guys are so close, thought you’d be the first to know,” Minji said after Joohyun not responding, probably not noticing her sudden silent behavior or not thinking about it. “Anyways just thought I let you know, since you’ve been standing there for a while,” Minji had no idea that the more she talked about them, the more it killed Joohyun inside to know and she wasn’t sure if she could even stand much longer.

When did Sehun suddenly pop into the picture long enough for that to happen? Why hadn’t she thought about the way Seulgi spoke so much about him?

Joohyun had a lot on her mind that afternoon as she walked home, trying to figure out what she just heard. Seulgi wouldn’t do anything like that to her? Of course she said no commitment and they weren’t a couple (yet, Joohyun had hoped), so she was technically allowed, yet it still felt so wrong. She felt cheated, if it made sense, her legs trembling with each step as she tried to contain herself and manage to walk that extra mile home. Joohyun didn’t make it home; she ended up standing by the pavement with the wind blowing so fiercely that her hair covered her entire face. It was freezing cold outside, heavy gray clouds above her, and she could smell the coming rain. Usually she’d be excited, loving the falling drops, the puddles and yet…

The cold felt numbing, and even if her legs were sore just by standing there for what must had been hours she didn’t really feel anything. Not even when the rain fell above her mercilessly, whisking away the remains of the snow on the ground, soaking through her clothes little by little. Joohyun didn’t feel anything; there was nothing.

Yet there was warmth running down her cheeks, which were the feelings she couldn’t say or speak out loud, forming themselves as tears that blended with the falling rain. They fell one by one, until there was a stream and stung too much that she let out a soft sob, but she wanted to scream. She wanted to kick something and yet she didn’t, because she felt so angered and devastated and disappointed and empty all at once that it left her clueless over what to do.

That was Joohyun’s first heartbreak, a fragile thing she didn’t know could cause so much damage to her, which made her want to lie down and never get up. Seulgi was the reason for it, she knew it, and she had no idea how she could be so stupid to believe that it could be only them; that they could be together, that Seulgi was in love… Joohyun figured then that she never wanted to suffer like that again, because it hurt more than anything she could ever imagine, but unknowingly she saw it coming; her mother always told her that things don’t always go the way you want it to.

She felt a sense of déjà vu in that moment. Just when she thought she had Seulgi, she slipped away from her grip again, and reminded her that they never were and probably never would be.