Joohyun (Present)

It had been a long day and night, travelling back and forth to Jeju Island. The house in itself had been doing great progress, although they had run into some small issues which gained them more hours of work. Other than that, everything was fine, but Irene was so, so tired. Mostly because of the stress on finishing the house on time before the wedding, it had almost been her main priority. Plus, it would be her last architecture project for the firm; she’d have to get this one perfect so she’d leave with a nice finish.

However, the thing was that a huge part for her lack of energy to do anything recently, had more to do with the fact that she couldn’t concentrate. Not really, when the one she thought was her true love was around.  Seulgi made everything a hundred times harder, to think, to work, and sometimes if she was close enough just to do one god damn thing that didn’t even involve Irene, she felt it was hard to breathe too. “You’re late,” she heard Wendy say from the living room to their apartment, sitting on the cream couch with a blanket around her. “How was work?”

Irene shrugged off her jacket, placed it on the chair, before almost collapsing on the couch with her fiancée. She couldn’t get her mind off the conversation with Seulgi just a couple of days ago, about them, about all those stupid what if questions that ran around her mind like a marathon. She didn’t bother to say anything about it, mostly because she had no idea how to. Wendy wasn’t the jealous kind, she trusted Irene and vice versa, but things had gotten so complicated to the point that Irene didn’t even know anymore. Was she really over Seulgi at all? Her almond shaped and mysterious eyes that seemed to gaze into the deepest parts of her soul, or her pale skin that still looked so soft. “Tiring,” was the only thing Irene could say to that, her eyes on the ceiling, wondering why Wendy was waiting up so late. It was way past midnight, she had work tomorrow too. “You didn’t have to wait up for me, you know?”

She turned around to look at Wendy, her hair in a messy bun, no makeup on her face. She looked so fresh, so much younger without makeup, and had that carefree glow to her even after all these years they had known each other. Wendy let out a small smile, before grabbing her hand to intertwine their fingers. “How could I not? It’s been a habit ever since college,” she said then, still with that smile, the one that made her look so lovesick but so adorable at the same time.

It was true; Irene used to have many late classes and used to work with her projects at school rather than in the dorms. She concentrated better there, and she’d often come home around midnight. For the most part, Wendy would be waiting, even before they were dating. Irene had no idea that her bubbly roommate in college would be her future partner. “You’re such a sap,” Irene joked slightly, flicking her forehead, but not enough for it to hurt.

“It’s not my fault I miss you,” Wendy said then, yawning slightly, but even through her tired eyes there was this playful look. A look that usually only meant one thing; trouble… and also kisses; lots of kisses. Kisses that were sweet; that made her feel comfortable and safe. Kisses that were slowly breathtaking, like the ones straight out of a movie, that made her want more and more. They were nothing like those surprised, uncalled for, the types that knocked the breath from her lungs type of kisses. Those that left bruises on her skin, that made her feel so violated yet so alive at the same time.

Wendy was the one in her arms, the one lightly gripping her, the one placing warm hands under her shirt. Not the cold and icy ones that used to give her shivers of pleasure, the ones that belonged to… “Stop,” Irene nearly breathed out, parting away, her mind going two thousand miles a minute with thoughts that should not be reappearing. Images of someone that should have never came back, that should have been buried away for good. “What’s wrong?” Wendy asked a bit surprised, her eyes a bit confused, and her flushed lips slightly parted. She looked gorgeous, she looked perfect, and that woman was hers and loved her and yet…

“I’m sorry honey, I’m just tired,” was the only excuse she could give, and it was true, because she was. She was so damn tired of the memories, the haunting touches, the sounds, the kisses and those reoccurring feelings she thought she had forgotten when she was a teenager.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Wendy asked then, a bit of concern running through her voice. It didn’t surprise her, Wendy always made sure she was alright, despite her joking nature.

Irene couldn’t really think clearly, because even if she was sitting with Wendy, holding onto her still, living under the same roof, she still saw her. “No, I’m not,” she admitted, both to Wendy and to herself. She couldn’t continue the lies; she couldn’t stop denying herself what was really going on.

“Did something happen at work?” Wendy was quick to ask, and “yes my ing first love is killing me” ran through Irene’s mind. How could she still not be over it? It was sixteen years ago… Sixteen years without a trace, without a single sign of her and yet she suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Out of all the damn architects Seulgi could contact, she chose her. Was it to taunt her? To make fun of her? To see if Irene was still the young and naïve Joohyun?

“Too much,” Irene replied a bit dumbly, her eyes not really focusing anymore. She wasn’t even sure of what she was talking about anymore; her mind was just a jumbled mess of work, Seulgi, marriage, Seulgi, bills, Seulgi… Seulgi. “Too much… it’s all too much.”

She couldn’t even register the fact that she had been carried to bed, or that she had been crying, her cheeks stained with salty tears. “I’m here, don’t worry,” Wendy had said, so innocently, because she had no idea. She didn’t know about their past, would she ever? Irene wasn’t sure if she wanted her to know or not, but instead of thinking about it, she closed her eyes and prayed for a peace of mind.

The next morning, there’s an eerily silence that stretches throughout the apartment when Irene wakes up. Her eyelids felt like heavy rice bags, probably swollen by the tears she shed. She felt a bit embarrassed, because she rarely cried, but then again it wasn’t the first time either. She got up from the bed, only to notice that Wendy wasn’t there, which was a bit odd. Her eyes went over to the alarm clock, five thirty am, and neither one of them was supposed to be up this early.

Irene heads out to the kitchen, making herself a cup of tea, but she couldn’t shake off the odd feeling. It was as if she knew something unpleasant was coming, she just didn’t know what. The moment she stepped into the living room again, to see Wendy sitting by the window with such a lost expression, Irene realized then that something must be wrong. The closer she got, the more she noticed that Wendy’s eyes were so lost and empty, focusing on the view of the city, yet not at the same time.

It went on like this for a moment, time ticking by, none of them saying anything. Irene wanted to know, wanted to ask why the mood seemed so tense, why Wendy wasn’t talking or at least acknowledging her presence. “You’re happy to be with me, right?” Wendy, out of the blue, suddenly asked.

Irene barely noticed the fact that she parted her lips to speak. “Why wouldn’t I be happy?” she was quick to reply, opting to sit on the window bed with her, trying to make eye contact after placing her cup on the table. It goes silent for another moment, five seconds, and ten seconds... Irene was happy with Wendy; she was everything she could’ve ever asked for. She was funny, smart, lively and made Irene feel so special, so loved. She’d be insane if she wasn’t happy, because there are few days where she hasn’t woken up just to smile by the presence of Wendy next to her.

“Are you cheating on me?”

The room turned strangely quiet again, and it felt as if time stood still, along with her breath and heartbeat. It was an absurd question; Irene wouldn’t even think of having an affair with someone else. And even if she didn’t have one, why did she still feel so guilty over it? Why did she feel as if she had gotten busted for something she didn’t do? “You…” Wendy began slowly, her breath a bit uneven. She must have been crying, but that was probably hours ago, her eyes not too red. Still, there was a glimmer of undried tears on her cheek, and Irene had no idea where all of this came from. She hadn’t even done anything to harm her. “You called out Seulgi’s name in your sleep,” she finished her sentence, and this time Irene really felt as if she had gotten punched right in the stomach. Something heavy spread out her chest, recalling the image of Seulgi haunting her in her sleep, but she didn’t think…“You sounded so longing and yearning as if,” Wendy took another break then, almost as if catching her breath from uttering the words so fast. “As if you were in love with her.”

Irene had a feeling where this was going; taking Wendy’s hand quickly as if to reassure that it was not going to be the case. She didn’t say anything though; she didn’t have the time, before Wendy already interrupted her. “Do you love her in the same way you love me?” she asked, sounding so broken, and it made Irene’s heart actually clench. She didn’t like it, not one bit.

Still she had no idea on what to say, if she should tell her about their past, about them and the little they had. “It was a long time ago, Wendy,” Irene said then, taking a deep breath, trying to recollect all the moments of their friendship and their not-so-platonic past. “There’s nothing left,” she lied, because even she knew it wasn’t true, but she wanted to make herself believe it.

“It doesn’t sound like it,” Wendy accused then, not sounding entirely mad, but there was something stingy behind it. She let go of her hands then, finally looking over at her with a cold gaze. “You were crying, that doesn’t mean that nothing happened.” Irene knew she couldn’t hide then, although she really had no idea where to start. But she knew she had to come clean, taking a look out of the awakening city, biting her lip nervously, before returning her gaze to Wendy again. “Is she still on your mind?” she could feel Wendy ask, but she didn’t say anything this time.

She waited for Irene to speak, to reveal something as Joohyun and her past. To the one she used to be, the one who used to be with Seulgi, who used to… “Do you remember when we met, and I told you that I would never fall in love again?” Irene began by thinking of the memory of their first encounter again, a smile wanting to form on her lips.

Wendy lightly chuckled by the memory, something that seemed so out of place then and there. “Of course, I was going to prove you wrong,” she replied then, but her smile disappeared the more Irene continued to speak.

“Seulgi was the reason for why; the only reason.”