Epilogue: Joohyun

Life on the other side of the world was different. The people were more multi-cultural, and the signs were all in English. She had learned the language, so she understood it, but it was still weird. There wasn’t a single trace of the land she left behind, not a single one, and she didn’t know if she liked it or not. Their house was white on the suburban area, with a front yard and an even bigger backyard. There was flowers everywhere and it looked like every movie Irene had ever seen. Windows with blue shutters, a stone pavement with flowers decorating it. It was so stereotypical that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh nor not.

A small nudge woke her up from her thoughts. “Honey, staring at the house all day won’t get the work done,” Wendy said with a smile, and she could only return the gesture. Her heart felt a bit at ease seeing her there, the sparkle in her eyes was back, and she felt great knowing things had somehow returned to normal. Getting back together was a rough patch, because Wendy had her insecurities. Still, Irene was sure that she wouldn’t leave her. If they could get over that, they could get over anything, and Irene was going to marry her without a single doubt.

Marry they did, legally, for a couple of weeks ago. They were finally moving into their new house in Canada after spending their honeymoon around the world. It was apparent for Irene that this was all real; that she was a married woman; ready to spend what she hopes will be the rest of their lives together. They didn’t get a lot of work done, and the house was crowded with boxes everywhere. Still Wendy made the best out of it as usual, and Irene only laughed by her antics. Both of them procrastinated, the job of placing furniture and stuff by kissing or lazing around. They had to get working again soon enough though. Irene heard Wendy call her name from the kitchen after half an hour. The said woman went towards the source, seeing Wendy standing in the middle while huffing loudly. “It’s super dirty here,” Irene commented and she nodded, looking at the mess that was around the kitchen and a layer of something odd on the counters. She offered to go buy some cleaning supplies, because they hadn’t gotten that far yet.

Wendy only shook her head. “I’ll do it, and I’ll pick up some food on the way,” she walked towards the door then. Irene only shrugged, about to go back to the bedroom to continue unpacking. Then she saw the keys on top of a box, and she laughed before grabbing them.

“You’ve got to stop forgetting your keys,” Irene said, only earning a sheepish smile from Wendy before she took them. A short peck later and she was out the door and in the car, driving off. Irene only sighed, and she wasn’t going to be alone for long, but the house still felt lonely. When she got back into the bedroom again, there was an odd feeling in her stomach. She continued to unpack, and distracted herself with that, but it didn’t help. There was no logical explanation, she didn’t feel sick and she felt happy.

It was only when she was rummaging through another box, when her hand landed upon something odd. The object was hard with a cold surface, round and a bit odd. Including that, there was something rubbery wrapped around it, and she had no idea what it was. When she picked up the said object from the dark box, she was surprised to see an old gadget that didn’t belong to her there. Irene hadn’t seen that CD-player in ages, and she had totally forgotten that she even had it. Even if it wasn’t hers, it gave her an instant nostalgic feeling as she looked over it. The edges were a bit bulked from the excessive moving around, and the color had begun to chip itself. Seulgi got it back; she was completely sure about that. But apparently she must have remembered something else, because it was there in her hands, with instant memories appearing in her head.

Irene felt like little innocent, naïve Joohyun again the moment she thought about it. She tried to get rid of the dust that had layered itself on top of the object, and she untangled the headphones. In the process, something yellow began to appear.  Joohyun didn’t know how to feel the moment she saw the crinkled and aged note. It was taped onto the device, scribbled in an all too familiar handwriting, making Joohyun want to smile and frown all at once. She read what it said, and it was only a mere sentence, but it was enough to make her heart race. “I know that it’s a little too late, but this is everything I didn’t say. – Seulgi”

She wanted to press the play button once she noticed there was a CD inside, but the batteries were dead. It made sense, after so many years how could it survive? Still, she ran around the house until she found the correct batteries. It took a while, but eventually she did. When she came back to the room, she sat on top of the window bed with mixed emotions. A part of her almost felt guilty for being so excited, because she didn’t want to think of Seulgi. It was the past and it was officially over, but still, there were some words left unsaid. Seulgi had given her a message, but Joohyun was so stupid to she didn’t realize it been there all along. Buried away with other junk, and forgotten over time. She had no idea about how she was going to feel, but when she finally turned it on, she had no other choice but to click play. There was a bit static noise before a soft melody from a piano echoed. It was an all too familiar tune, accompanied with an all too recognizable voice singing along. Singing softly along to the lyrics of the song, their song.

“For 1000 days, I had believed that our love would last forever
I had been foolishly putting it that way
Thought I could stand you telling us to break up
I didn’t know if I could handle it, the idea of you seeing me as a stranger
when I would pray for your happiness,”

Joohyun let her memories take her back to those days, when she first heard the song, and how much Seulgi used to love it. That first kiss underneath the summer sun, the first of many, where none of them were sure about their feelings. When her personal hell and heaven begun all at once.

“For those 1000 days, did you know?
That I had laughed a lot, and cried a lot too?
That I had always watched over you, thanked you, loved you.
You will miss me, won’t you?”

She thought too many countless nights spent listening to it in her bedroom. While the waves crashed along the shore, and the salty air was running through the window. The first time they ever got intimate, on the small hill of Seulgi’s house, and every fleeting moment. The song plays with her memories following along. Joohyun felt herself smiling; it was all a bittersweet sensation that hit her at once. Her first love and her first sort of relationship was all described through that one song. That one song that would always be about them, filled with memories only they had. Joohyun thought about how things could’ve been different had she found it beforehand. Would they be together? Would they live together and make a life, or would they break up either way? She had no single idea, but it made her wonder how this story could’ve ended differently.

“For those 1000 days, was it hard for you?
Did I, by any chance, hurt you?
Forgive me, because if I did, it would be the last time”

A good while later and the song faded out, leaving a static noise in Joohyun’s ears. She sighed, a heavy pressure upon her heart, thinking that it was the end. That she had heard the last thing Seulgi would ever give her, but before she turned it off she heard a soft voice speaking. It was silent, and Joohyun ignored every other sound around her. The recording was of bad quality, and she remembered how technically behind this device was. However, Seulgi sounded so much softer and younger, as if it wasn’t recently, but rather… “You’re probably gone when you hear this,” Seulgi began, and it took Joohyun a moment to realize that this was the message Seulgi really meant. “And I have no idea on what to say… I didn’t really think this through, so this might come off as a bit awkward. I’ll try though.”

There was an awkward chuckle filling the silence, but it wasn’t happy. It sounded hoarse, as if she had been crying before recording it. Joohyun imagined it; Seulgi’s young face. Her almond shaped eyes in dried tears, sitting by her room, probably in the middle of the night. “I think I fell for you the moment I realized I always wanted to talk to you. I always wanted to be with you, and even hold you at times. That was even before we kissed, and when you did, I probably fell harder,” she said and it made Joohyun wonder how long she hid her real feelings. Even if they came out in the end, Joohyun always believed that Seulgi didn’t start liking her before they were older. “But I couldn’t get myself to believe it, so I faked it. I pretended that it was nothing and I ended up becoming a , and I’m sorry. I wanted you to be happy Joohyun, I still do… I just didn’t think I could give you that happiness. You were too much for me all at once, you were too good for me and I guess that’s obvious for both of us. I’ve always been a coward, and I’m sorry.”

Had she been Joohyun, the younger Joohyun, she would’ve felt a bit mad. Why wouldn’t she fight? Why couldn’t she stop being a coward? Now that she was older, Joohyun actually understood better. Even if Seulgi didn’t say it, they were two completely different persons who loved each other. They loved each other, hard and fast and unforgiving, but it wasn’t enough. Love isn’t always enough, and when she looked back at it, they would probably never have a future. “Still I want to be with you; I always have and probably always will. Maybe I can’t right now because there might be a huge distance between us. We all have our own paths and, well, we just need to follow them. I just hope we’ll pass each other by.” Time ticked by while Seulgi kept talking, saying words Joohyun thought she would never hear. It was probably the longest she had heard Seulgi say in one setting. It made her head spin and her heart hurt, ever so slightly, thinking about how they could’ve been. Seulgi chuckled in the recording all of the sudden, and then there was the faint sound of a sniffle. Another image of tears streamed down Seulgi’s face popped up, and it made Joohyun sigh. Why didn’t she find this earlier?

“Maybe one day I’ll wake up and this will be a bad dream, because I hate feeling so broken. All those hours I should’ve treated you right and I didn’t. And if it’s too late to win you back in the future, then I hope you’ll remember us, and what we used to be. If this is goodbye Joohyun; you made me realize how first loves are the best and the worst. But even through the pain, I wouldn’t change a single thing about loving you.”

As the sun shone down on her, Joohyun sat there not knowing what to think or feel. That was it. That was the ending and the closure she got with Seulgi. She felt the want to cry, but no tears came out, and in that moment she realized that she had moved on.  The golden banner on her finger gleaned through the light, making Joohyun look down at it with a faint smile. She knew that their ending wasn’t anything to dwell on. It was a thing in the past, and they were both moving on. It was a shame, because maybe they could’ve made it, but fate didn’t play it that way. Even if their paths weren’t meant to be, and even if Joohyun had moved on, she smiled knowing one thing. Maybe in another life they’d be together, where things could be easier. Maybe they’d find another way to meet, because what they had was real in one way or another.

Seulgi was Joohyun’s first love. Joohyun was Seulgi’s first love. It was as simple as that, yet it didn’t turn into that happy ending they hoped. However, she had a feeling that they would never forget each other. The love and the pain will fade with time, even the memories might disappear. But if someone were to ask Irene what she learned during that period of her life, she would've made it a class and called it "First Love 101". Because that was what Joohyun learned; being someone’s last love is the one that counts, but it’s the first one that leaves the impression. Maybe Seulgi would never be that long lasting love, but that was okay, because she would always be the first.