Seulgi (Summer, 1996)

Seulgi had only turned fourteen when she got her first summer job, mostly because her parents thought that would be a good idea. It was at their local second-hand shop, filled with used and vintage items that ranged from pretty awesome to plain weird. It was owned by one of their neighbors, who they usually referred to as Ms. Yoon.

Usually Joohyun stopped by to wait for Seulgi to finish her shift. It was mostly during the lazy afternoons were few bothered to step into the store, or out of the house for that matter. Business was usually slow during those hours, which meant almost no people. Joohyun kissed Seulgi during those last minutes; sometimes on the cheek, on the corner of her lips and sometimes on her neck. They could range from barely touching pecks to something a bit harder, but for the most part they usually didn’t do much.

One of those days in July, when the weather was at its peak, the only thing that could save them from melting away is the air-conditioner inside the shop. They stood there, with Joohyun in front of the fan and Seulgi holding a bottle of ice cold water to her face. “You want some water?” Seulgi had asked casually, tossing the bottle over to Joohyun before she even replied. Seulgi knew Joohyun too well by then, and she’d be an idiot to say no. The other girl was quick to shoot a smile before sipping it, or rather taking large gulps in one setting. “I said some, not the whole thing,” Seulgi dryly commented as she stepped closer to Joohyun. It was mostly to retrieve the bottle, but the slightly teasing smile on her face, and the soft peck that landed on her lips made her think of other things.

The whole ordeal had sort of turned into a routine; not the boring type, however. It was something that arguably left Seulgi feeling an awkward kind of excitement. Her ears didn’t turn read anymore, and the slight ringing had descended too. The guilt and the slight weirdness had faded away with time, maybe not completely, although she would never talk about it to anyone. Those kisses they shared that day were more heated; a bit harder, with a bit more force which ended up in a bit more clumsiness. It wasn’t bad, however. In fact, it was quite the contrary.

She didn’t know why, but somehow Seulgi had let Joohyun press herself harder to her. Joohyun’s small hands were holding onto her waist, the employee shirt pulling a bit up just enough for Seulgi to feel some cool air seep onto her skin. Joohyun didn’t seem to bother or care, and for once Seulgi let her hands land on the shorter girls face and shoulder as if to steady herself a bit.

It went a bit overboard after that, and somehow Seulgi ended up on the counter with Joohyun still kissing her in a feverish pace. It was nothing like Seulgi had felt before, making the heat expand from her chest and further around the veins of her body. Seulgi could sense the dampness of Joohyun’s neck from placing her hand there, the summer-weather blazing upon her slightly tanned skin. Her hands were a bit cold from holding onto that water bottle, the liquid gently dripping from her hands and onto Seulgi’s thighs. There’s a bubbling in the pit of her stomach, and it seems to grow the more she lets Joohyun’s hand travel further and further. She almost hitched her breath when she felt the edges of her skirt lightly ruffle slightly, something weird and hot at the same time happening to her. She knew exactly what it was, but the more she thought of it the worse she felt about it. Again came that lingering guilt that wouldn’t let her go, and they were in public and what if anyone saw them?

Before things got to out of hand, they parted only for Seulgi to push Joohyun off. She got off the counter, muttering about having to check something. She tried to ignore the confused look Joohyun shot at her, and it worked to some extent. Her mind was hazy with guilt-driven pleasure and something alike to lust, making her walk a bit uncomfortably to the staff-only room. That was probably the most moment Seulgi had ever experienced, up until then of course. It was all in the way her heart was nearly pounding so loud, she thought she could have ran a marathon.

Seulgi tried for a while to ignore Joohyun, though she didn’t really know why. They had done some kissing before, and honestly that wasn’t the problem. Not even that sort of make-out session was a problem, although a bit sudden. No, she knew that it was more about the fact that some boundary was crossed, she just wasn’t sure of which one. She enjoyed it, she wasn’t even going to lie, but at the same time she still felt so uncomfortable. Not because it was bad or sloppy, and although first time doing stuff like this should be awkward it wasn’t as she expected.

It took Seulgi about a week before she gave in; it was probably the longest they had gone without speaking. They didn’t have school so of course they didn’t meet each other there, and even if she tried, she couldn’t get herself to climb over the fence just ask if she could come over. Maybe, she thought then, she was scared if they were going to do it again. Or maybe even worse; that they were going to talk about it. No, the kissing was fine, she’d probably do it again hadn’t she felt so insecure about herself. She admitted that, and secretly she knew she wanted it to happen again. Seulgi just didn’t know why she feared it at the same time.

It was a late, late afternoon when the sun was almost set and the orange skies were darkening. Seulgi was working a late shift, and despite the little work she had to do, she still felt tired. Her legs were something alike heavy rice bags, having her almost drag them with each step. The way home wasn’t long, probably about fifteen minutes, but with her being so tired it felt like a hundred miles.

She had just plugged in her earbuds to her portable CD-player, when she saw a familiar bike in the distance. It was a bit worn out with time, the bell broken many years ago and never fixed. The bike itself was covered in metal that was scorching hot during the sunny days, and too cold during the chilly months of the year. Seulgi had always wondered when Joohyun was ever going to invest in a new one, but then again Joohyun never really bothered with doing anything because she felt it was okay.

“In those thousand days, did you know?”

Seulgi wasn’t sure if she was going to stop her or not, but she didn’t really have to as Joohyun made that decision for herself. A bit abruptly she stopped the bike a small distance away, her hair tied up in a loose bun and her small frame wearing a way too large sweater. She seemed to give Seulgi a look, something alike a greeting, before opting to speak. “I thought you’d be done by now.”

Seulgi nodded in reply, feeling a strange mix of eagerness and awkwardness churn in her stomach. She didn’t know how she felt like that just being close to her, even when they weren’t touching or doing other things. “Late shift, what can I say?” Seulgi replied back after a moment of awkward silence. She let one of the earbuds fall off, and since she never had the volume on full, it made the song sound like some kind of whisper.

“I’m going to the store to get some ice cream,” Joohyun mentioned then before sitting properly on the bike. “I’ll give you five seconds to either hop on or walk the way back,” she offered then, and it was somehow the same way she always replied, although a bit more careless. Not that she sounded mad, but just a bit more monotone. After exactly four seconds with one to actually decide, Seulgi was sitting behind her as Joohyun drove away to the closest store in that area. Seulgi wanted to ask why she came all the way there to get some ice cream, when they had a convenience store just five minutes away. She didn’t, because she had a feeling that this had nothing to do with ice cream, but as always she kept shut. The whole ordeal to actually go to the store was nothing much, and not even the way back leads to anything exciting. They actually didn’t say much at all; it was a lot more silence than usual, a bit awkward as well, with Seulgi unconsciously moving her body around a bit, as if she was allergic of staying still.

It was only when they were standing on Seulgi’s porch, a plastic bag in Joohyun’s hand that they really spoke to each other. Seulgi could spot the slight nervousness in Joohyun’s eyes, which twinkled slightly under the dim lamp on the porch’s ceiling. Her other hand was nervously twiddling on her sweater, and as she began to speak a bit hesitatingly, Seulgi had an idea of what was to come next. “You know, I’ve been thinking and – “

Joohyun got interrupted by Seulgi dragging her down the wooden stairs, and towards the gray path to the small, rocky “beach” they owned. She didn’t want to talk about it right there, not then, because she was afraid her parents would hear it. Something that would be stupid because her mother was doing God-knows-what inside while her father was out with God-knows-whom some other place. “What are you doing?” Joohyun had asked as they stood by the waves of the shore, the grocery bag tossed somewhere along the way. Her whole face was set in confusion, as if trying to ask what the hell was wrong with the slightly taller girl, before she parted her lips to probably actually ask.

Seulgi cupped her face, and a bit harshly, dragged her closer just to place a way too impulsive kiss on her lips. She knew that was a stupid and sort of childish move of her, because they were supposed to talk about stuff like that without it being scary. Joohyun seemed to become a bit stunned again, the sound of her surprise being muffled by the sudden kiss. Her chest was close, and her entire body for that matter, making the slightly cooling summer-breeze useless, because Joohyun was always so warm that it felt as if she always was on fire. And although Seulgi enjoyed it, and it made her heart pound just as much as the other times, she knew it didn’t really answer anything.

Her breath was a bit lost and shaky when they finally parted, her lungs probably working in a higher intensity than usual by the way she nearly held her breath through it. She knew her hands were slightly trembling, the feeling so intense that she was almost scared. “I guess,” Seulgi began slowly, looking up to meet Joohyun’s expecting eyes, with her lips a bit rosy and her cheeks flushed as well. Seulgi had always liked the sight of her like that, good to know that she wasn’t the only one who was a bit flustered, although in a slightly pleasant way. Seulgi, as she felt something warm and fuzzy course through her body, understood what that look meant. “I guess I’m a bit curious too, about this, and it’s only normal for people our age,” she finished, waiting for Joohyun’s eyes to drop down a bit, because that was probably not what she was expecting. Seulgi knew it, which made her feel worse.

Her twinkling eyes did flicker a bit. It was slight, but after so many years Seulgi could sense it well. She couldn’t stop herself however, because despite what she was feeling, she knew it wasn’t attraction or even worse, love. It couldn’t be, could it? “So, there are no “real” feelings, right?” Joohyun asked through a voice that almost sounded like a joke, and a slight chuckle that seemed so out of place in the given situation.  Although Seulgi had a feeling that it was not really something Joohyun wanted to say, she didn’t refuse the request.

Instead, she played along, a smile running through her face that wasn’t exactly fake, but not all too genuine either. They couldn’t have feelings for each other, what they did in the first place was wrong and her parents would kick her out if they ever discovered it. It would be even worse if they actually had feelings for one another, which Seulgi was sure of they didn’t have. Not feelings strong enough for it to be real, at least. She couldn’t afford any more issues with her family.

“Well, it has always been a game, hasn’t it?” Seulgi wanted to ask, but instead she only kept shut before shrugging. “It’s all good fun and stuff, and I guess I’m cool with it,” she started while trying so hard to sound casual. “As long as no one knows, and there’s no commitment.”

Joohyun nodded then, and Seulgi expected that. Because albeit her usually being the brash one, she rarely refused anyone, and especially the ones close to her. Not in the sense that she’d do absolutely everything, but she didn’t want to argue either. “Friends with benefits?” Joohyun asked then, a hand in the air as if to seal some kind of deal, which they kind of were. This was so weird on so many levels, at least according to Seulgi. She had sort of always considered them to be that term, although now it was probably more of a confirmation now. That they’d do the same kind of stuff, but it wouldn’t involve anyone knowing or complicated feelings to get in the way. At least, Seulgi hoped so.

She was quick to grab it, and shook it slightly as they both stood there underneath the darkening sky. “Friends with benefits,” Seulgi replied then, as if she agreed to it and although she did, she still didn’t really like the term. However, it was probably the best thing at the time. It was either that, or the fact that Seulgi didn’t want to admit her real feelings.

She dragged Joohyun closer for another kiss, to forget everything, and she tried to ignore that intensity that one should not get by something so simple.