Youngjae was tired. So, so tired. This wasn’t surprising, it was only a month until his due date and he was starting to find most things a struggle. Just getting in and out of bed was difficult never mind getting comfortable. But as inevitable as that was it must have been at least a week now since he’d last had a full uninterrupted night’s sleep and a lack of proper quality sleep was starting to take its toll.

His eyes felt gritty, his limbs heavy, his mind fuzzy and everything ached. He was miserable and there was nothing he could do about it. He was sure all he needed was a few hours. Just a few hours of real, dead to the world sleep. But he’d tried everything now without success. He’d tried listening to music, tried reading until his eyelids got heavy, tried lavender drops on his pillow and drinking chamomile tea. He’d even looked up breathing and relaxation exercises on the internet. But nothing was working. Even if he did manage to drift off it was never for long. 

He’d start to overheat and have to kick the blankets off. He’d wake up shivering and have to grab the blankets from the floor. He’d be on the brink of sleep and realise he needed to pee. When that happened he’d try to ignore it, try telling himself it was all in his head but after some tossing and turning he’d always get up because his son’s current size and position meant a need to pee was very rarely all in his head. He’d visited the bathroom three times now since heading to bed and not once had it been a false alarm. 

Then there were the Braxton Hicks. Practice contractions had been bothering Youngjae on and off for the last few weeks now. They weren’t constant, they didn’t last for long and they weren’t painful but they were distracting. And if they happened during the day distracting was fine. In fact, if Youngjae was in the right frame of mind he found them kind of fascinating. He’d sit with a hand on either side of his rather impressive belly, marvelling as the muscles tightened and his stomach hardened only for the muscles to relax again. This quite often excited the baby and once the contractions wore off Youngjae would continue to sit there, captivated, hands pressed to his stomach as their little boy wriggled and kicked.  

But this wasn’t during the day. It was 2am and he’d almost been asleep when they’d started. And yes the Braxton Hicks had stopped now but the baby was still wide awake. He was stretching and kicking and showing no sign of letting up. And yes it was nice to know he was there, the other day he’d barely moved for six hours straight and Youngjae had been incredibly worried. He’d been considering a call to Jackson and a trip to the hospital for a check up but as he’d picked up his phone he’d been met with a kick to the ribs and he’d realised everything was fine. Right now though he wished he’d just stop. Or at least settle down. He wanted to sleep. No, this went beyond wanting, he needed to sleep. He needed to sleep so badly but the baby wouldn’t let him. 

Why wouldn’t he let him sleep? 

The baby hated him he decided. He wasn’t even born yet and he hated him already. He must know. He must know he hadn’t been planned. He must know that in the beginning Youngjae hadn’t wanted to be pregnant. He knew that he was jealous of the fact Jackson was in the studio, working on new music while he was stuck home. He could sense all that and he was letting him know how hurt he was by it. That must be it.

No.

No that was ridiculous Youngjae told himself. He was being absurd. It was the exhaustion talking. Lack of sleep was driving him crazy.

He needed to get up. Walk around. Not only was the baby kicking but his back was aching too. Walking around might ease it. It might tire the baby out too and then he’d finally be able to get some sleep. It was worth a try.

But first he needed to go to the bathroom he realised with a sigh. Again. Being pregnant .

….. ……

Half an hour later and Youngjae was still walking up and down his living room. His back was still aching and the baby was still wide awake and active. He wanted to go back to bed but he knew if he did he wouldn’t be able to get comfortable anyway. It would be pointless. There wasn’t going to be any sleep for him tonight, was there? There might not be any sleep for him again ever. Not proper sleep. He was going to be sleep deprived for the rest of his pregnancy and then they were going to have a baby to look after. A baby that was going cry at night to be fed, cry at night when he was teething, cry at night when he was ill or he’d had a bad dream or when he just didn’t want to sleep. He didn’t think he could do it. He wasn’t going to be able to cope. He was going to be a terrible parent.

He wanted a hug and for someone to make it all better. He knew that was childish but he couldn’t help it. He was just so tired. And so scared. What if he really was a bad parent? What if his baby really did grow up to hate him?

This was a mistake. It was one big mistake. He wasn’t ready to be a parent. He should have been more careful. Everyone was going to be miserable. The baby was going to know he wasn’t ready and was going to feel unloved. And Jackson, who kept telling him how amazing he was going to be would be so disappointed. He might even decide to leave, take the baby with him. Oh god, what if he did? What if he realised how bad a mother he was and he took their son away? What if he found someone who could be a better mother to their son than he would? 

And as he was thinking about just how awful this would be when the front door opened and the person he’d been thinking about was stepping into their front room, kicking his shoes off as he and throwing his jacket onto the back of the armchair. Failing to notice Youngjae standing at the other end of the room he started heading towards the bedroom.

Youngjae opened his mouth, ready to call his name but stopped, realising there was a lump in his throat. His eyes were watering too. He was on the verge of tears he realised. No,  not on the verge. He was actually crying. He was a mess. And he couldn’t let Jackson see. If Jackson saw what a m