Tuesday, 18th August, 2015.

8. Lost and Found.

      “Go talk to your brother.” Mama Kim declines. “You two always conspire behind me. Why bother me now?” She puts her two hands on her hips though her held back smile betrays her effort.

      “He wouldn’t talk.” Junho pulls his mama’s right hand from the waist. “Did you tell him about the car I’m buying for him?”

      “You think so low of your mother, boy!” the lady yanks her hand off of her oldest son’s hold. “I didn’t tell him a thing about your stupid plan. I told you it’s no use buying him a car. It won’t change a thing about him.”

      “Then what would?” Junho catches up his mother’s fast pace. “What would bring him back?”

      “You speak like Junsu is lost in the desert forest.” The mother scowls. “He’s just patching up. We should be proud of him for that.”

      “I would really be proud of him if someone or anyone is kind enough to tell me why Junsu works himself to near exhaustion.”

      “Watch your mouth, boy!”

      “Have you seen him working in the café, mama?” Junho goes on. “Have you seen his cut or burned fingers? Or when he mops the floor from corner to corner? When he wipes tables, chairs and windows?”

Mama Kim turns her figure around so fast Junho nearly falls from the speed. “I have.” Her voice is thunderous yet calm. “It’s painful but I have to let him be. He’s paying up the loan eagerly knowing I was the one lending the money to them. He didn’t touch his Kim saving at all since he sold his car. I know, Junho. I’m the mother of you two. I know when my son is…” She pauses. “I can’t tell you anything but what you’ve known. You know Junsu better than us parents since you’re so close to each other. I respect his choices though it breaks my heart to see him punishing himself for something he…” She breathes long and deep. “Talk to him. Perhaps he would listen to you.”

Junho doesn’t miss the glass reflection in his mama’s eyes. Mama knows something he doesn’t. It irks him that Junsu doesn’t open up to him as brother.

      “He grows up, Junho.” Mama Kim says in her usual in charge tone. “There are things we can’t tell other people however close we are to them.” She shortens the distance between her and the son. “I’m getting old but I hope you’ll always remember that I’m your mother. I must kick and bite your brother so many times before he remembers who I am to him.” She hugs the son so abruptly. “Give him time. I’m giving him a chance to deal with his own problems. Do you think I’ll just sit and watch when any of you are in need for a good slap?”

Junho chuckles slowly. He hugs his mama back.

The truth is, mama Kim used everything she knew to break into her youngest son’s tall wall and hear trembled words spoken by Junsu’s lips begging her not to blame Changmin. Mrs Kim had to use dirty trick to make Junsu open up to her and she didn’t regret it. She cried with her son when Junsu pleaded, in fever and wet eyes, please let the son deal with it himself. Please mama not stepping in it. It was the son’s marriage problem. It’s not right for mama to interfere. Junsu promised he’d take care of it like a married man should.

They cried together. Well, okay, mama Kim cried so hard at the part of Junsu couldn’t leave Changmin. She cried for feeling the pain Junsu had been carrying along. She cried for understanding Junsu’s situation. Junsu told her again and again, over and over that Changmin was a very good person. Changmin couldn't say No right away for mostly many things. Junsu was the one pursuing Changmin into relationship. Junsu was the one proposing for their marriage. Junsu didn’t think much of how marriage life would turn out. Changmin had been treating and tolerating Junsu’s shortcomings very well and that his patience wasn’t one to be questioned for.

As a mother, she couldn’t bear the pain seeing how low Junsu saw himself. She didn’t take it well at first on how Junsu blames himself over the faults in his marriage. Every relationship has problems. Every marriage has flaws. Junsu shouldn’t take all the blame by himself and punish himself for it. She was beyond angry.

Junsu asked one question and all the anger evaporated.

      “Mama loves papa very much, right? Mama would do anything to see papa happy, right?”

They cuddled in bed for a long time till the door opened bringing in someone else into the bed.

      “Why did you guys leave me out?” Papa Kim protested. “Is it mother-son day only? No father needed?”

The three of them messed the room up by pillow and bolster war. They laughed endlessly. Papa hugged the son ruffling Junsu’s hair lecturing on Junsu’s bad habit stealing his wife from him. Mama hit both men for their silly banter. They drowned Junsu in kiss attack that the son had to flee the room shouting he’s thirty years old already stop kissing him like he’s three year old.

She kept their youngest son for having dinner with them. She had promised Junsu before that she would say no word, even to papa Kim and Junho, about Junsu’s troubled mind. As a return, she asked Junsu to talk to Changmin openly and honestly about their marriage.

      “I will.” Junsu promised. “He’s consumed at work for now. I’ll talk to him when he’s less busy and when I’m better and ready.”

      “Ready for what?”

      “For the consequences.” Junsu smiled. The fever had gone after the long hours crying together with mama and taken some pills. “Mama told me before our wedding day that marriage is all about acceptance. It’s not about changing the person you marry into someone you want. It’s about accepting someone you marry as the person you love. I’m trying to accept him, mama. I accept him as someone I love. No less than a person he is.”

Which, in Junsu’s term, means that if Changmin loves someone else better than Junsu, Junsu would accept it. If the consequence is Changmin leaving their marriage, Junsu also accepts it.

--

      “I didn’t mean anything, Min.” Jaejoong fails to joke. Changmin’s face is way too serious for a light joke right now. “I simply said you’re slow. That’s all.”

      “What about the hints you said you left on me in college?”

      “Gosh, Min. Relax! You make it sound so deadly serious.” Jaejoong tries to melt the solid stiffness. “Nevermind it, okay? It’s nothing.”

Changmin’s face hardens. “I am slow, I admit it. I’m bad in picking up signs or hints because I’m not a subtle person. You know it and you still did it to me?”

      “Min..

      “Do you know what changes we could make if you just said it to my face back then?”

      “Min. Hold on!” Jaejong raises his hand to stop Changmin’s building up accusation. “Why are you so tense? What’s going on?”

      “If only you said it all to me. If only you let my parents know we met in college. If only you didn’t keep me wondering about us. If-

      “STOP!” Jaejoong covers Changmin’s mouth. “Stop! You don’t know what you are talking about!”

Changmin’s eyes are burning with emotion Jaejoong’s eyes couldn’t take to look back into them. He pulls his hand right away.

      “Things would have been very different if you didn’t keep us from possibilities, Jae.” Changmin finds it hard to speak. “I was.. very close to come clean to you. We were.. I couldn’t find happier time than when I met you again in college. Every day with you was precious, was happiness, was blissful you had no idea how devastated I was when you left me again.”

Jaejoong’s tongue is tied. So do his heartbeats. He knows he will have to face it one day and it’s the day. “I had to, Min.”

      “You had to.” Changmin repeats. “I understand that. You had to put your parents first of all but had you ever thought about people you left behind? About me?”

Honestly, Jaejoong thought about it a lot, if not so much, about Changmin and the Shims. About the wonderful days they spent together. About the warm memories of being in each other’s company. About everything they had and could have had if jaejoong didn’t have to go back to his parents.

      “It wasn’t the time.” Jaejoong finally replies. “You are a very precious person and closest friend to me, Min. I can’t burden you with my family problems. I promised you I’d see you again after it’d been solved, right? I did my promise, didn’t I?”

      “But things have changed.” Changmin has to step the pain down when he says it. “You came back when things have changed so far between us. You didn’t get my mails. You didn’t call me. I was left alone wondering what happened to you, where you were, would we still meet again after these years.. it’s not the same!”

Jaejoong forces a smile. “I’m glad things have changed, Min. Things have to change whatsoever. How would I meet your family again if things stay the same? I need the changes. You do too.”

Again, changmin is unable to ask the most crucial question. Did Jaejoong love him too back then?

      “I really mean nothing about the hints.” Jaejoong risks reaching out for Changmin’s fisted palm. “It was all in the past. Like you said, things have changed. It’s not worth the changes of what make us today, Min. You’re still the precious person and the closest friend for me despite all the changes in our life.”

      “Would we still be close friends if I’m not married?”

Jaejoong slaps Changmin’s arm hard. “What else you think we might be?”

Changmin sees well shown lake of teasing in Jaejoong’s eyes. He hides the real answer well. Jaejoong is still the college Jaejoong Changmin knew. Warm, caring, passionate, kind, generous yet keeping some things just for himself.

      “We might be a lot of things.”

      “I’d prefer us today.” Jaejoong playfully pushes Changmin. “You are still slow but at least you notice things better and faster today. Poor Junsu has to deal with it.”

Talking about poor Junsu..

      “You didn’t use the café’s money for your own expense, did you?”

Junsu sits very still in front of him. “Excuse me?”

Changmin lays the bank paper on the table. “You didn’t take much from our account. What money did you use for your everyday taxi and buying food for dinner and breakfast?”

Junsu takes the paper reading the printed number on them. “Oh.” He says. “No. I didn’t use Hara’s profit for my expense.” His eyes scan the number carefully. “Yoochun will kill me if I did so. I used my salary.”

Really? Changmin’s logic couldn’t take it. “How much do you get from Hara? It’s monthly, isn’t it?”

Junsu still focuses on the paper. “Not much. Not even half as yours but it’s enough.”

Junsu must be kidding, right? “Taxi’s fare is not cheap, Su. If you do use the money you earn from Hara, you won’t be able to buy dinner and breakfast which you did almost every day recently.”

The eyes finally part from the paper. They are directed to Changmin. “I got lift from friends sometimes.” He explains. “The food I brought home wasn’t from five star restaurant’s kitchen. It didn’t cost as much as you thought.”

It’s still suspicious for Changmin. “Did you apply for another account without letting me know?”

Junsu is quiet for a long time confirming Changmin’s suspicion. He avoids Changmin’s piercing gaze as well.

      “Why?” Changmin demands. “Why didn’t you tell me? You agreed we would hide nothing on our finance and did it together.”

The answer comes