Thursday, 27th August 2015.

I don't like this aff lay out editor. /cry a river/

And this is supposed to be the final chap but.. /cry harder/

13. The Person You Love.

Changmin has never seen Junsu so broken and hurt like what he sees now. Junsu uses his all struggling with the pain and.. helplessness? Changmin’s heart mirrors the shattered glass on Junsu’s eyes. His husband is blinking back what seems like about to fall dews from the barrier of eyelashes.

The same yet different pain shoots up inside him that he lets the silence fall enveloping them for short moments.

“You forgive me?’

Junsu needs to break away from Changmin’s holding hand. He wants to disappear. He wants to run outside to scream his heart out into the empty space to reduce the grinding pain in him. Instead, he couldn’t yank his hand off of his husband’s hold. He just sits there, eyes betraying him and he’s sure his other body parts also expose his bared selfishness.

“You forgive me?” Changmin repeats. “Tell me I heard it right.”

It’s impossible to hold the water from running free. Junsu nods quickly three times, feeling the escaping water from his eyes landing on the back of his hand held by Changmin. “Yes.”

Changmin can’t bear the sight of this broken Junsu anymore. He pulls Junsu into tight crushing hug feeling and sharing the same yet different pain they feel right now.

“What is it?” Changmin tightens his hug uncaring whether he suffocates Junsu with his strong locking arms or not. “What is it breaking and keeping us from each other, Su? What’s happened that we become two strangers living together than two in love people working on our relationship?” his heart shakes and cracking. “You don’t love me anymore?”

Junsu tries not to embarrass himself further. “I love you.”

The sentence only worsens the cracking pain inside Changmin. He loosens his hug cupping Junsu’s face wanting to see the truth in the beady eyes.

The eyes are wet and showing him pictures of drizzling snow. Junsu blinks again and again unable to cross Changmin’s looking eyes.

The tall husband sees the honesty. The answer he’s been questioning. The meaning of Junsu’s three last spoken words directed to Changmin. And also the well schooled wound Changmin doesn’t and can’t find the reason why.

Changmin slowly slides down from the couch onto the floor, kneeling before Junsu. “I’m begging you.” His throat is burning. “I’m begging your love on me to be honest. To give me answer.”

Junsu looks away to his side getting rid of the betraying water in his eyes before returning his sight to his kneeling husband. “Don’t kneel down, Min. You don’t ha-

“Why are you so changed?” Changmin asks before his own courage evaporates. Before his determination to solve their tall growing walls of presumptions, negative thoughts, one sided judgments and communication gap and lap vanishes into air upon seeing how broken Junsu looks in front of him. “I’ve been wondering, what change you so much I could barely know you anymore.”

Junsu doesn’t understand. He just stares at Changmin’s troubled look.
“You’re changed so much.” The icy rock in his chest resurfaces. “It’s not you anymore. You turn into someone else.”

Junsu’s lips move. “Me?”

Changmin holds out his hand. “You forgive me for kissing someone else. You don’t ask me a thing. You don’t ask me why. You don’t even want to know who I kissed and forgive me. This is not Junsu I know.”

The beady eyes blink. “I.. I.. don’t.. I think.. you were drunk.”

“If I wasn’t?”

Junsu finds it more difficult to answer. What should he say? That whether Changmin was drunk, is drunk or not, it makes no differences if it’s Jaejoong? It’s the same person. Drunk or sober, accidental or intentional, if it’s jaejoong, what’s the difference? Junsu makes a head shake.

“It’s alright too?”

It is, isn’t it? Does Changmin want him to say it’s not? Then he wants to make it right? Like making it rightful to kiss Jaejoong which means…

Junsu’s long silence dawns something on Changmin’s thought. “You said it’s alright because I was drunk but your eyes said it’s not. I beg for your honesty tonight, Su. I want you to tell me the honest answers from your heart, not the tolerated fabricated ones.”

Junsu inhales the needed oxygen into his lung. “I just.. want us to stop arguing or fighting. It’s bad for us.”

“By tolerating and forgiving every mistake I did?”

“There must be reasons.” Junsu averts his eyes on to his lap. “You don’t mean it bad like what it might seem or sound. Maybe you’re just tired or stressed out. Maybe I was too fast jumping into anger and emotion.”

“You didn’t use our card.”

Junsu lowers his head a bit. “Our monthly bills are quite a number already. You pay for most of it. I want to at least do something useful by not adding more number on our monthly expense.”

“So you used your own earned money?”

“It’s my own needs.” Junsu’s voice goes lower. “I could take care of myself too. I know I had been a pain for you before, Min. I need to fix it for us.”

Changmin crawls closer to Junsu’s leg and thigh. “We are married, Su. We take care of things together. It means we put our priorities first before our personal demands. You left your personal care and filled everything else on us. That’s not the marriage we agreed to start.”

“We agreed to support each other, not to put you as the sole responsibilities over my ridiculous short-minded immaturity.”

Changmin lifts Junsu’s chin up. “Look at me in the eyes when you speak.”

Junsu can’t run from the pleading eyes. “I just.. want to be someone better.” He bites his lips. “I was.. difficult and giving you more burden than actually supporting you. I want to do my share in our marriage. You’ve been.. forgiving and understanding my ignorance. Why can’t I return the favor?”

“What if I don’t want you to return the favor?”

Junsu lets the still air and the dim light become the answer.

Changmin climbs back up onto the couch, sitting in zero space from Junsu knowing how wide the distance between them is. “Maybe I don’t want you to forgive me.” He says, nose touches Junsu’s cheek. “Maybe I want to make you angry. Maybe I want us to fight badly. Maybe I want you to lash out your claws and fangs on me.”

Junsu shakes his head. “I don’t want to.”

“But you’re hurt.” Changmin pokes on Junsu’s chest. “This is hurting, isn’t it? You forgive me easily but this is screaming angrily, isn’t it? This part in you wants to beat me into pieces, doesn’t it?”

Junsu’s body goes stiff.

“I don’t want us to fight either.” Changmin whispers. “I don’t want to flaw our marriage by saying untrue ugly things when our anger takes the better of us.” His poking finger traces Junsu’s collarbone. “But I definitely don’t want to bury the bad emotions in me when I’m angry either. I want us to be honest. I will say I don’t like it if I don’t like it. I might have said it badly in our past fight because I was inexperienced back then but I would know not to use too hurtful ugly words now because we already know the impact of said words when we’re angry.”

Junsu’s empty look stays.

“And you..” Changmin feels the icy rock in his chest again. “Just forgave me when I did things you hate the most. Is that really you? Or you just held it back here?” the finger digs on Junsu’s chest. “Do you really love me, Su? Or it’s another cover you do to hide something else here?”

Junsu turns his head to his side making their noses touch. “I grew up, Min.” He holds his breath. “I learned a lot from our early marriage years how much I was a bad weight to you.”

It’s Changmin’s turn to lose words.

“I was inconsiderate, too demanding, too reckless, too difficult to deal with yet you tolerated me all along.” Junsu closes his eyes shortly. “When we fought about the car and separated for a while.” His voice quivers. “I realized how much I love you and how much you had to endure for my selfishness. You could have left me there but instead you were willing to go on with me.” The glassy mirror is back on the beady eyes. “I couldn’t say it to you.. that.. I was really sorry, I was really such a **** and I promised myself, I would be a better someone from there onward.”

Changmin doesn’t understand the sprouting sorrow greeting him when he sees how sad Junsu is. Why is Junsu sad? Why the sorrow and sorry look?

“I really love you.” Junsu’s trembling voice gets to the tall husband like sprinkled salt over the open cut finger. “I really want to be the better Junsu for you. For us. I want to be someone you could introduce to people as your husband without the weight of being my husband, without the package responsibility of taking care of my recklessness and stupid mistakes. I want to.. make you feel less burdened as legally wedded husband of a Kim Junsu's.”

Changmin makes a move. “What are you talking about?”

“I want to.. love you as much as I can.” Junsu keeps on. It might be his last chance to say it to Changmin. “I want to love you without regret, without questions why and how until..

Changmin could feel the sharp turn coming in. His body goes tense out of his control.

“Till you’re fed up with it.” Junsu nearly whispers. “Till you call it a day on us and leave for better place.”

“JUNSU!”

“I’m sorry.” Junsu ignores the call. “I know you deserve someone else. You deserve your own happiness and live free. I tried to-

“STOP!”

“I tried to walk out on us but I couldn’t.” Junsu confesses. “Tried it couple of times and always failed. I love you too much to leave you alone.”

“I SAID STOP!”

Changmin has pulled and clutched on Junsu’s collar in bursting anger. He pulls the collars a bit too strong that the tip of the fabric starts to brush roughly on Junsu’s neck skin.

“I tried all I can to be better.” Junsu continues. “To make you endure me easier, to make you stay longer beside me. I tried to change things to keep you by my side. I’m selfish, Min. I haven’t changed much from the spoiled inconsiderate demanding Kim Junsu you married because I keep you chained with me in a marriage status even though I know you are happier with the person you love.”

“WILL YOU JUST STOP SPEAKING F*****G NONSENSE?” Changmin shakes Junsu. His eyes are flaring in red heat of flame. “THE F*** YOU ARE SPITTING ON ME? WHAT THE ****** HELL ARE YOU DOING?”

“I can’t leave, Min.” Junsu could feel the emitting high knocking anger about to hit him but he couldn’t stop now. It’s too late. “I love you. It’s not the right reason to keep you but I do love you.”

Changmin screams in frustration. They both hear the loud sound of a hard punched couch backrest when Changmin screams and lands his fist few inches from Junsu’s shoulder. He pants in too much mixed emotions of aggravated anger, disbelief, denial, refusal yet somehow acceptance of Junsu’s long sentences.

“You think I’m seeing someone behind you???”

Junsu shakes his head. “You don’t have to.”

“What do you mean I don’t have to?!?”

“You don’t have to see the person behind me.” Junsu braces himself. The more he speaks, the more it’s getting real. The consequences he knows he has to face when he comes clean to Changmin. “I won’t mind you see the person. I won’t ask or say a thing about it.”

Changmin kicks their other couch. His brain can’t take any single thing Junsu says. He doesn’t understand why their talk turns into this. “Don’t insult our marriage this low! If you want to break up, to leave, just say it!” He snaps.

“I can’t leave.” Junsu is numb of all feelings. “I can’t let you go. I would be here until you decide to leave.”

“HOW IN THE HELL YOU EXPECT ME TO LEAVE OUR MARRIAGE? WHAT’S GET INTO YOUR HEAD? WHAT THE **** IS GOING ON WITH YOU??”

Junsu stands up too. “I grew up.” He says. “And I accept it.”

“Accept what??” Changmin roars.

“Accept you as someone I selfishly love and want for me. I accept the consequences of loving you. It’s part of growing up, right?”

There are no thrown things on the floor or onto the wall. No physical abuse. No pointing sharp accusations. No denial or sharp turn of flipped back tables between arguments but somehow, it hurts deeper and leaves worse pain on both of them.

“Please.” Changmin is so frustrated and angry he feels like exploding for hitting a dead end. “Can we talk without pretense? Can we use simpler words? I need to understand you and I can’t do it any better if you keep saying rubbish about me seeing someone else. I don’t, Su. I kissed someone, alright. It’s my bad. It’s my incompetence but it’s just once. Ask me anything you want to know why, how, or who I kissed. I’ll tell you every inch, every second, every minute of it. I swear I didn’t.. How could you say I’m leaving us?”

Junsu stands still. Should he go all the way revealing everything he knows about Changmin’s sent mails to Jaejoong? Should he confess that he tries not to make a big deal of Changmin kissed Jaejoong because it’s Jaejoong? Because Junsu knows and has accepted his place?

“Why do you think I’m cheating on us?” Changmin just finds out the amount of pain some words could inflict. “Why do you expect me to leave our marriage? Am I that bad of a husband to you?”

“You are not cheating on me.” Junsu negates. “I doubt you would or could cheat on any things you have put your words on.” He gathers his remaining self into better hold. This painful conversation has to end soon. The sooner the better. For both of them. No, for everyone involved in the matter.

“Min.” Junsu puts his best effort to be calm. He starts to gain control of his breaking ground before. His eyes have stopped betraying him. He begins to feel lighter. “It’s not you weighing the load in our marriage. You’ve done and do your best for us. You did everything to pull us on the right track. I was the one relying on you. I took everything easy. I took you for granted. I never thought longer beyond our door how hard it was for you to endure a one sided struggling marriage.” He raises his hand when Changmin is about to open his mouth. “Let me finish it so you could see what I mean.”

Changmin closes his mouth.

“You’re right about me having no decent senses. I thought that marriage was all about kisses, little fights, make-ups, hugs, comfort, warmth, sweet songs and walking under moonlight together.” Junsu’s eyes fixed on the wall behind Changmin. “It was playing house for me. All I thought was having you for myself only, holding you whenever I wanted, having great time for the rest of our lives.” He pauses. “I didn’t take work seriously. I didn’t get your words like I should. I saw things from my perception only.”

The tall husband waits in shortened patience.

“I was a snobbish demanding little kid who though