My mother once called me mad. Yes, I'm mad about her, madly in love with her. I loved her as soon as I was old enough to know what love means. No. I think I knew the meaning of love when I loved her. At first I just wanted to play with her, make her laugh with the silly jokes I heard on T.V., give her my share of the cake her mother made on a lazy Sunday afternoon after lunch, kick Hakyeon's for pulling at her hair. But then I wanted to hold her hand, buy her a necklace, write her a song, kiss her lips. My heart fluttered every time she looked at me, hid behind me when Hakyeon was chasing after her, gave me half of her cookie, or pulled me behind her to the tree house when she was afraid to go alone.  

When I gathered my strength one day and held her hand, she didn't pull it away. We were crossing the street toward the candy shop at the end of the block and I was worried about her. She was reckless, running to the other side of the road with Hakyeon without looking. So I held her hand when I noticed she had one foot on the pavement and the other on the street. Hakyeon held her other hand to pull her behind him but she let go of his hand and remained by my side. She then turned her face to look at me and smiled, letting her fingers intertwine with mine. Hakyeon yelled at her, asking her to follow him. I still remember what she said, word-for-word. “I’m staying with Taekwoon.” 

The night I kissed her was both the happiest and the most sorrowful night in my life. We were alone in the tree house. She was playing with her doll and I was watching her. I was used to watching her do things with a smile on my face and butterflies in my tummy. But this time I decided I was done with watching. I moved closer to her and she put her doll away and looked at me, as if she knew I needed her full attention to say what I was about to say. “I like you.” I said, lips trembling and hands shaking as I waited for her to push me away and leave the tree house. Instead, she smiled widely at me, threw her arms around my neck and hugged me as she whispered “I like you too.” When she pulled out and stared at me, the butterflies in my tummy unleashed. She stared at me tenderly and I found myself leaning forward. Her eyes sparkled as she brought her face closer to mine. When my lips finally touched hers, I knew I’d want to be with her forever.

What happened next shattered all my dreams. She was taken away and I was there, standing in front of my father, looking at him when he slapped me and begged Mrs. Jung to forgive me. “Forgive me for what? I didn’t do anything wrong!” I yelled and he slapped me again before ordering me to go to my room. When I tried sneaking out of my room and into the house to find her, he locked me up.

One night while everybody was busy with Mrs. Jung’s birthday party, I heard noise coming from the window. I looked out of the window and saw her standing in front of me, tears in her eyes and a sad smile on her face. She didn’t say anything as she handed me her book while looking around, afraid we’d get caught. “What is this?” I asked her but she ran away when she heard her father calling her name.

The letter she wrote on the cover of the book was the only thing left from her. I heard about her departure from my mother. The letter she gave me was the only comfort I had, until I heard the news of the accident. I waited by the window for anybody who could tell me anything about her. I cried when they told me that her mother passed away, and I cried when they told me she couldn’t remember anything. I wanted to yell at them, I wanted to tell them she’d never forget about me. I wanted to show them the letter, tell them she promised to come back to me.

When she went through the accident I wanted to die. I was dying to know if she was fine, I was dying to see that she was fine with my own eyes but I never saw her again. When they packed her things I went to my room and cried like I've never done before. I didn't cry when my father bet me up, nor when they locked me up and didn't allow me to leave my room for days. But to know that she was leaving and might not ever come back again was enough for me to break down and cry my heart out for days. 

But for fifteen years, she didn’t come back, she didn’t write to me. The book and the message written inside it were everything I lived for. I’d read it over and over and pretend she was writing to me again, from wherever she was. No matter how many times I read it, it still felt like it was yesterday when she told me she liked me, when I kissed her, when she kissed me back.  

She's everything I thought about for the past fifteen years. I stayed up at night thinking if I’ll get to see her again, if she still remembered me, if she still loved me. For fifteen years, I snuck into her room and looked at the photos she sent home every year on her birthday. I looked at them and imagined myself growing up watching her grow up in front of my eyes. She grew more beautiful every year and I grew more attached to her.  

This is childish, but I still love her. When I heard of her return, I couldn’t sleep at night. I couldn’t do anything as I counted the days till the day I’d see her standing in front of me. When I saw her enter the house my heart stopped beating. She was as beautiful as I remembered her. Her sneakers turned into high heels, her short hair is now long and her dirty jeans and t-shirt turned into a beautiful flowery dress. I was taken aback when I saw her look at me, in my head roamed thousands of thoughts. Is she going to remember me? Does she still care about me? Will she acknowledge my love for her?

But when I saw her hug Hakyeon, I knew he won her heart. How could he not when he spent every summer with her while I worked here to pay for my mistake. I wished we could switch places. I wished I were the one who got to spend time with her, growing closer to her. I cried myself to sleep when I saw her coming out of his room at night. I chocked on my tears when I saw them kissing at the restaurant. Why did I answer my friends' invitation? Why did I have to see that?

I still love her. No. I fell in love with her all over again. When I saw her standing at the kitchen's door looking at me I felt paralyzed. I couldn’t move nor speak. I was shocked to see her there, looking directly at me without being aware of the love engulfing my being. I didn't know what to do, so I ran away. I ran away from her, from my feelings, from myself. I was afraid I might break down and tell her everything, afraid I might run to her and take her in my arms, afraid I might kiss her, afraid I might hurt her.

When she said she wanted some milk, I knew exactly what she liked. She'd always enjoyed the chocolate milk with marshmallows that her mother used to make for the three of us when we were kids. I made it for her with love and delivered it to her room with shaky hands and a pounding heart. I couldn't believe I was standing in front of her, looking at her while she looked at nobody but me. I lost control over my senses that cried out for her. With hesitant steps, I entered her room and placed the tray on her nightstand and left. I wished I could talk to her, to at least say 'welcome back,' but I couldn't. My tongue was tied, and I stayed silent until I was back to the kitchen. 

When she came to the kitchen again I felt a knot form in my stomach. When she spoke to me I felt my heart pound against my chest. I was forced to promise Mrs. Jung not to speak to her at all. I had to do it unless I wanted to leave this house and lose my only chance to see her again. I was dying to talk to her, to tell her how much I missed her, to tell her I still loved her, to ask her if she remembered me, if she still loved me. My heart was bursting with pain as I struggled to keep it all to myself. 

To find her sleeping in Hakyeon’s room was the reality I was scared of. I had to see it with my own eyes. I needed to see them together so I can convince myself, once and for all, that she won't be mine. She loosened the string around my neck when she said he was sleeping in her room. I almost sighed in relief. Even though I didn’t understand why she felt she had to tell me that, I was relieved that she did. Her voice was music to my ears no matter what words spilled out of . 

That night when she locked the door and trapped me inside her room I was one step away from breaking down and running toward her, taking her in my arms. It was painful to look at her and be this close to her yet know she's going to be the wife of another man. I knew she was going to marry Hakyeon. The whole family has been talking about their marriage ever since they heard of her return unaware of the fire in my heart. 

I tried to avoid her for two weeks. The topic of her marriage was starting to make me feel nauseous. I hated myself for not having enough courage to claim her back, call her mine.  Regardless of that, I prepared her milk and asked whoever I found in the kitchen to send it to her room. I knew she was having a hard time so I poured all my love into it and hoped it would ease her heart. After two long weeks of depriving myself from the only thing that kept me alive, I realized that I'd rather die than live another day without seeing her. Even if she was in love with Hakyeon, even if everybody talked about their marriage, I still loved her and longed for her. Eventually, I broke down and went up to her room carrying the only excuse I could find to take another glance at her. When my eyes met hers, the years I spent without her felt like hours, and I was back to when my heart first beat her name. 

When she called my name, her voice rang like ethereal music in my ears. She remembered me! She finally remembered me! But then, my hopes shattered at heart feet when she said she was sorry for trapping me in her room. She stopped at that without saying anything about our joyful childhood, our scarce memories, and our stolen promises. At that moment I realized that she didn't remember me; she simply knew my name like she knew the names of the rest of the servants around this house. 

Despite everything, I didn't lose hope. She was my first love, my first kiss and I'd give up everything for her. Why do I still love her? It's been years since we first kissed, a chaste peck that followed our innocent confession. I still love her because she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Her bright smile and sparkling eyes lit my world. Her sweet voice and kind heart forced me to fall in love with her all over again. She was as beautiful as her mother. When her mother was around, she treated me like her own child. She treated me like she treated her own daughter. She allowed us to play together, eat together and sometimes have sleepovers together in Hakyeon's room. But after she was gone, I lost that sense of belonging. I was now nothing but a servant, and the son of the gardener. Everything changed when they were gone. Even Hakyeon stopped talking to me. We no longer spent time together and I wasn't allowed to go to the tree house anymore. 

Ever since, I found no reason to laugh or smile or even talk after the only two people who looked after me were gone, and the only friend I had started treating me like a servant. My life was miserable but I had nowhere else to go. My parents passed away and Mrs. Jung allowed me to stay. I stayed because it was the only place I knew, and because it was her home. I lived in the hope of seeing her again. I lived in this hope for fifteen years until my misery was over, or so I thought. I didn't know my sufferings would intensify now that I can look at her but not say anything to her. I can see her, but in the arms of another man. I can see her, but in the room of another man, kissing another man. I was helpless. There was nothing I could do that wouldn't harm her or harm me and increase the distance between us. Therefore, I promised myself I'll never talk to her as long as she stays here in front of me. I'll never talk to her as long as I can see her smile at me like she smiles at all the other servants, and pretend that she was only smiling at me, only looking at me. 

How long will I be able to take it? I always ask myself this question and the answer is always "Forever." I'd live like this forever, looking after her and making sure she's always safe and sound. I don't care if she doesn't remember me. A piercing pain goes through my heart every time she looks at me with empty eyes, not knowing that I'd sacrifice my life for her. I am mad, madly in love with her and my heart will never stop beating her name.

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Author's note: 

Writing Taekwoon's POV was very painful ;; I hope you guys are enjoying it and not feeling too sad about them because good things are yet to come ;)