“Luhan!” I was trying to yell but my voice wasn’t getting very far down the long alleyway; it would travel a few feet, gathering the attention of a few curious faces that weren’t too drunk to even look up, before it mixed with the droning sounds of laughter, loud music from the karaoke bar, and buzzing AC units.

     “Who are you looking for sweetie?” an older lady sitting in a fold out chair by the backdoor to a shop asked with a hit of a cough in . “I sit back here and watch these poor souls come back here night after night. I see everyone who comes through”

     She was a little odd at first, but the way she sat with her folded blanket across her knees, a paper bag full of snacks at her side, her eyes looking up at me with a smile like she was glad someone had finally noticed her, made me think that every night she sat back here waiting for someone who needs help. “I’m looking for my boyfriend” that was probably a little more information than she needed to know but as of right now we were still an item so I wanted to call him my boyfriend for as long as I still could. “He’s tall and blonde, he was wearing black jeans with a white shirt and a jacket” I was relieved that he was sporting one of his more simple looks tonight because it would have been hard to explain some of the other things he wore. “I think he might have hurt his hand so I need to find him quickly”

    “Ah I know who you are talking about I called out to him but he didn’t stop” she shifted in her chair so that she could lean over and pull something out of her bag. “You better hurry, that boy needs help” when she sat back up she grabbed my free hand, filling it with a snack and squeezing it “And I don’t just men his hand” I nodded and thanked her and she pointed further down the alley. “Go, you can still catch him”

  I took off running again, the first aid kit in one hand and a snack in the other. I’d never been this far down the alleyway so I had no idea where it was leading me to, but the only thing I was afraid of was finding Luhan and him running from me again. If I had time to think about anything I’d try to turn this poetic, somehow the further I went the less light there was and with the dwindling light there were less people that ventured out. It was like I was traveling further into myself, the darker I became the harder it was for me to let people in. My subconscious projected the faces of my close friends onto the last few people standing in the darkness, Baekhyun and Chanyeol, Joonmyun, Kai and Kyungsoo, and even further there was Jongdae and Yixing, and at last Luhan standing under a flickering lamp.

     It was completely silent now, so quiet that my footsteps seemed to be echoing off the cracked concrete ground. Luhan was leaning against the wall, clutching his hand to his chest, from the rate the light was blinking letting his figure come in and out of view, it gave the effect that he wasn’t breathing.

     “It’s a bit scary down here isn’t it” he was probably whispering but I could hear his voice clearly.

     “Are you afraid?” my voice wasn’t as clear, like the walls were hungrily absorbing my words.

     “No” his eyes were closed but he opened them when I took a step towards him. “You shouldn’t be afraid either, because I’m here”

     “That’s why I’m afraid” I admitted and his eyebrows scrunched together, disapproving. I needed to explain myself. “It's just I’ve come to actually like parts of myself, of my life” he looked at me with a confused expression, “But I’ve only started to like myself after I actually got a life, a job, and friends, and experienced love. I’m afraid because I have to give all of this up”

     “You don’t have to. Stay here with us, with me” Luhan finally took a step towards me but if he kept moving he’d step out of the flickering light, into the darkness, so I lunged forward wrapping my arms around him to keep him there.

     “I don’t know how to make you understand that I can’t. Right now I just need you to let me go, because if you don’t I’m going to be stuck in this darkness” I squeezed him and buried my face into his chest, if I could just become one with him here then I could stay but that was physically impossible so I knew that soon I’d have to peel our bodies apart and say goodbye.

     He hugged me back with one arm, his hurt hand still clutched close between us. “Minseok look at me” I looked up to see resolve in his eyes, I thought maybe he’d taken pity on me and would grant my wish, instead he kissed me. He was slow and sweet and warm, but I kissed back desperately, shivering as he turned us around and pushed me against the wall, it was wet but I was trying to hold back tears.

He broke the kiss before I was ready, his hand falling from where he’d been cupping the side of my face and catching mine. I’d hadn’t even noticed that I’d dropped everything to hug him but when I tried to intertwine our fingers he kept his grip around them and took steps back until he wasn’t in the flickering light anymore. “You can leave me, but I’ll never let you go”

I pulled my hand from his sliding down the wall in defeat. “I never wanted to do this to you” the walls around me started to shake, vibrating so fast that they were emitting a sound with a frequency only I could hear and it was numbing.

“Minseok, I don’t blame you. If you believe you have to go, then go” he bit his words, obviously still a little angry at the situation.

I averted my eyes to the ground, finding the first aid kit, “Your hand” I remembered that he needed medical attention “We can’t treat it here”.

“I’ll take you back to your car” he leaned down to help me up but I did so on my own. “This way” he started off further into the darkness where there wasn’t even a flickering lamp and I followed. When we were completely submerged in the dark I could tell that it wasn’t really as dark as I’d thought,  I could still see where we were going and just ahead there was a crossroad. We took the right, an even more narrow path but there was lights not too far away. Finally we broke free of the concrete and brick world and I could see the street again, cars flew by and there were people again, I couldn’t help but feel relieved.

We made a block and I could see now all the shops lined together whose backsides made the alleyway. There were a few that weren’t open, which would explain the lack of light, but the further back we got the more alive they were. I came across a strange looking shop, stopping to look inside. There didn’t seem to be a theme to it, in one corner there was used books, in another jars of preservatives and foods, and lined against the back well quilts. I wondered if this was the old lady’s shop, really a simple jewel hidden away on this drunken party street. I told myself that I’d have to come back during the day before I left to thank her.

“What’s the matter?” Luhan asked, wondering why we’d stopped for so long.

“Nothing, let’s keep going” I grabbed the end of his jacket and pulled him along.

When we reached the car I offered to give him a ride to wherever he wanted to go but he said he was going to go back to the bar to apologise to everyone. I made him promise that he would also let them look at his hand and that he wouldn’t drink anything but a glass for water. He agreed and waiting until I’d pulled out of the small parking lot and made it down the street before turning to make his way back.

I made it back to the apartment it one piece. There was a text from Jongdae informing me that Luhan had come back and his hand was fine, he left with Baekhyun and Chanyeol and was going to come see me in the morning to talk.

Just as I set my phone down and started to walk away it buzzed with another text, I glanced over to see it was Yixing, I opened the message and read Have you and Luhan talked? I sighed and turned my phone off.

I made my way to the bedroom, I was used sleeping in big beds, and this one was nothing compared to the one I slept in as a kid at the China mannor, but now, after sleeping together with Luhan for so long I thought if I slept in that bed alone it would swallow me up. I crept towards it, grabbing the edge of the comforter and pulling it off, carrying it with me to the living room.

I laid down on the couch, pulling the blanket over me. I don’t know how long I laid there, staring at myself in the reflection of the black TV screen, until I thought I’ve seen enough of myself tonight and rolled over and fell asleep.

“Minseok…” out of the blackness that was my dreams that night I heard someone’s voice. “Minseok!” They’re calling me? I managed to regain a semi-conscious state, but as my spirit returned to my body I was immediately overwhelmed with aches and pains as I tried to sit up from the uncomfortable fetal position I’d slept in all night. No doubt an effect of sleeping on the couch.

“Good morning” the voice who woke me began to speak again and I suddenly froze, Luhan was coming to talk to me in the morning, I can’t let him see me sleeping on the couch in my clothes from yesterday. It would have been already too late, except for the fact that it wasn’t Luhan who was greeting me, but my friend Jongdae.

“Good morning” I mumbled back in a half yawn half groan.

“I brought you something” he ran over to the counter and as he brought his gift closer, the warm consuming aroma of coffee enveloped me. I took the cup carefully in my hands and held it to my face just to smell before I took the slightest sip, only letting the flavor tease my tongue at first. It was the best feeling I’d had in awhile, alas Jongdae was my good friend.

“Thank you” I sighed, taking another sip.

“You’re welcome” he chuckled, watching me like you’d watch a sick kitten drink warm milk. “So,” he held onto the end of his word like he was still thinking about whether to speak or not, “how did it go last night?”

The events of only just a few hours ago, nearly lost by the deep sleep I was in, came flooding back to me and I set my cup of coffee down before I accidently spilt it all over myself.

I wondered for a moment about his actions, coming over to my apartment, using the spare key I hid to get inside while I was sleeping, waking me up with a cup of coffee. Was he here to console a friend or was he here to hear that Luhan and I had broken up? And then I thought even harder to myself, had we broken up? Not once last night did either of us say something dramatic like ‘let’s end it’ or ‘I guess we’re breaking up then’. In fact the one thing I remembered him saying clearly seemed more of a refusal to break up, you can leave me but I’ll never let you go.

Jongdae was waiting patiently for me to answer him, if not with the whole story then at least something. “We didn’t talk for long, but he understands what I have to do” was all I gave him.

“I see” he replied with a nod of his head but his facial expression showed that he was confused by Luhan suddenly behaving so well.

“Thank you for this” I referred to the coffee again, picking it up so I could finish it, hopefully signifying that I was done talking about it.

He flashed a quick smile, standing up from where he’d taken a seat on the edge of the couch. I waited for him to say something like ‘if you need me call’ or ‘I’ll come check on you later’ but instead I got a simple “Good luck”.

I held my breath as he left. I could feel how hard it was going to be to say goodbye to him, it made me anxiously sick to my stomach. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the back of the couch to try and steady myself because throwing up with nothing but coffee on my stomach would really .

I thought about going back to sleep but that would have just been a waste so I got up to at least take a shower and change out of my old clothes. When I was refreshed and in clean clothes I gathered up my things, grabbing my phone which was still on the counter, and headed out to the store down the street for boxes to start packing. It wouldn’t take me long to pack up my small apartment but I decided to start now, moving was never real until you had to go through all of your things and pack them away anyways. This was the final step in telling everyone that this was happening, I was leaving.