Luhan helped me stand up and took off his clothes before closing the shower curtain and shampooing my hair and then his own. When we were just about forced to get out because the hot water was beginning to run colder and colder he dried my hair with the towel as best he could and pulled out the blow dryer to finish it.

           If I wasn’t in such a horrible mood I would hate being pampered like this, but I knew if I didn’t let him do it then I would have just sat in the shower until the water was too cold to wash my hair and then I would have went to bed with it dripping wet.

          As he dried my hair I looked around my bathroom like it was the last time I’d ever shower in here. When we went into the bedroom I managed to put my pajamas on myself but I did so slowly, carefully pulling out each drawer and looking over how I had all my clothes folded within them.

          When I was finished dressing Luhan asked me if I was coming to bed. I nodded and he turned out the light, crawling into the bed before me so that he could hold the covers up. I looked around, walking in a sort of circle to the bed instead of straight to it and when I stopped in front I took in the sight of Luhan laying there. It was dark but it was like I could see his eyes sparkling in worry and I thought that I didn’t want to see him looking at me like that, I wanted to see his eyes sparkling with excitement when we laid down together.

          I’d kept him waiting long enough, I knew I needed to tell him that soon I’d have to leave this apartment where we’d recently spent so much intimate time together, that I’d have to quit my job I was so passionate about and go back to school, that I’d have to stop loving him, but I just couldn’t. Tonight I needed to spend one more night wrapped up in his arms letting him think that I wasn’t going anywhere.

          When I laid there with my eyes closed I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be nice if I could dream about us being together.

          In the morning I tried to act as if I was feeling better but Luhan could still feel there was something off about me. “Are you sure you’ll be fine here by yourself?” he asked as I followed him to the door. I did have plans for today but it was all a waste of time now so I used needing to get some edits done as my excuse for not going out when I was really just going to lay back down.

          I could have said something more convincing like I’ve lived here by myself for long enough I think I can handle a few hours alone in my own apartment but I just nodded and closed the door behind him.

          After laying in bed for too long I decided doing absolutely nothing was just going to make me feel worse so I decided I needed to do something to at least take my mind off everything.

          I didn’t want to check my phone when I saw that there was a message but I did anyways and it was Yixing informing me that his father had booked he and I a flight back to China for two weeks from now. I thought about starting to pack things but I knew if Luhan saw that without any explanation he would freak out. When are you going to tell him? Kept circling around in my head. I thought that maybe I should tell Jongdae first, that it would be easier to tell him, but did Luhan deserve to be told first?

          After thinking about it all day while furiously cleaning I picked up my phone again and dialed his number.

          “Hey” he answered after just a few rings.

          “Are you busy?” I asked while kind of hoping he would be but then I’d have to pretend like I didn’t really need to talk to him right now.

          “No, I’m just here at the bar with the band. Why do you need something?” he sounded like he would jump at the chance to help me.

          “I just need to talk to you. In person. It’s not something I can say over the phone”

          “Okay…” his voice trailed off but he was trying to sound less worried than he probably was. “I can meet you somewhere or you can come here?”

          “I can come over there” I really didn’t want to do this there but at least he’d have his friends there for him after I gave him the news, I didn’t even think about the fact that ‘the band’ being there meant Luhan as well.

          It took me a long time to get to the bar, I parked my car by the street and walked down the alleyway slowly, taking in the entire scenery like the first time I’d been down here. It felt surreal, like I was Alice in some sort of gay Wonderland, falling down the colorful neon lit rabbit’s hole.

          Finally I came to the building with the sign that said ‘The Backdoor’ I didn’t want this to be the last time I came to the bar, this place that already held so many memories for me, it was like a second home.

          “Minseok!” I was startled by everyone yelling my name when I came in, even the few customers that were in here on a weeknight who didn’t even know me was yelling.

          “Ah-” I was still a little shocked when Baekhyun came for me, drink ready in hand.

          “Luhan told us you were feeling down so they canceled their practice and we decided to throw a little ‘feel better’ party for you!” Baekhyun was ecstatic but I knew it was just him jumping at the chance to throw a party. “Here, Chanyeol said this is on him” he handed me the drink and guided me over to the table where Jongdae was sitting.

          I caught Luhan sitting at the bar when we walked past, he gave me a look that said don’t be upset with me and I gave him the we’ll talk later look in reply. “So, what did you want to talk to me about?” Jongdae asked after I’d sat down. It was a little awkward sitting alone with him in front of everybody. They all knew what had gone on, or rather hadn’t gone on between us, and I could see Luhan continuously looking back at us to check on me.

          “Well, I was kind of hoping we could go into the office”

          He glanced around to see if anyone was watching us, but everyone, even Luhan, seemed to be occupied. “Yea sure” We got up and made our way to the back without anyone noticing.

          Joonmyun was inside because it was actually his office, but when his best friend explained that we wanted to talk more privately he smiled and left us, I hadn’t even noticed that he’d left the door open just a bit.

          I wished he would sit down again but he stood with his eyebrows raised, obviously waiting for me to hurry up and say something. “I don’t really know how to start to say this”

          “You’re really starting to worry me,” I could imagine him laughing at whoever suggested that they throw a ‘feel better’ party for me because he always thought that I was someone strong, but in reality I wasn’t and he could see that in me now. “Whatever it is just say it”

          “I don’t know what all you know about my past, but my father came to see me not too long ago” I’d been trying so hard to move on from the life I was freed from that I was sure I’d never even told Jongdae about my past like I had with Luhan. I felt like maybe I should have said something, even if it was just my relationship with my father wasn’t the best, but he’d never really asked me so I tried not to feel guilty. “He runs a large company with a branch here in Korea and one in China and I thought his son” he made a face like he wanted to comment on me calling him ‘his son’ instead of ‘my brother’ but right now really wasn’t the time to get deep into this “I thought he had taken over the China branch which is why I’ve been able to freely do whatever I want, but my father changed his mind and he wants me to work in the company”

          “Doesn’t he know you’re doing perfectly fine on your own?” Jongdae was very independent, I could tell that he worked hard to get where he was in his life, so if he were told he had to quit his job he’d probably laugh in his father’s face, but my situation was different.

          “I can’t turn this down. Where I am now is because of my father so I can’t go and disrespect his request now” I sighed, explaining this, finally telling someone, was making me very breathless. “I have to move back to China”

          Jongdae carefully took in all that I’d said, looking for a way to tell me I was wrong, but he didn’t know all the details so there was nothing he could say that wouldn’t be overstepping his place “What did Luhan say?”

          I nearly choked trying to open my mouth, I could always say that I wanted to tell him first but I didn’t want him to think anything of it so I just admitted “I haven’t told him yet”

          “What do you mean you haven’t told him?”

          “I just haven’t found the right time. I don’t know how he’s going to take it so I’ve been afraid. We just started to feel comfortable in our relationship and now everything is ruined” I felt like I could cry again, but I hated people, especially friends, seeing me do so.

          “Luhan isn't going to give up so easy.” he tried to reassure me “If he really loves you then he’ll find a way to be with you”

          “I know he loves me and won’t want to give up, but my father will never let me love him back” I had to marry, make a family, I had to live a simple boring life with love that I feared would never be a strong as the love I felt now and-

          “When exactly were you planning on telling me?” I jumped when Luhan pushed the door open all the way. We hadn’t even heard him approach the office from the hallway so there was no knowing how long he’d stood there and how much he’d heard. I could hear the anger in his voice, but even more, the hurt.

          “I-” I tried to find what to say that would fix this, but I knew nothing could. I could say that I was going to tell him last night, and this morning, and a few hours ago when I picked up the phone to call him, but not any one of those times did I have the strength to.

          “Luhan” Jongdae tried to speak for me but Luhan quickly cut him off.

          “No, you don’t say anything to me” he spat out, “he needs to answer me” he turned back to me but even if I had something to say I wouldn’t have been able to get it out while under that harsh stare. Luhan clicked his tongue as he’d given up, turning away because he didn’t even want to look at me anymore “I should have been the first to know” He left with that, slamming the office door shut behind him.

          The air stung when I tried to breathe so I could speak to Jongdae again. “I’m sorry” came out in a near whisper. It wasn’t directed towards anyone, it was just the only thing that came out.

          “You didn’t do anything wrong” of course he’d think that, despite the bad news he was probably thrilled I’d told him first. I always felt flattered by the way the two of them treated me, I thought I didn’t deserve it, but now I just felt sick to my stomach. “He’s not going to be that angry for long”

          “I hope so” I wanted to believe that he would come around, but I really had no idea, despite how much time we’d spent together and all he’d told me about himself, how he would react. He had all the right to be angry right now but what about tomorrow if he’d still angry? What about two weeks from now when I get on a plane and leave? How long will he be mad at me?

          There was a light hesitant knock at the door. “Ah Jongdae?” the weary voice of his friend Joonmyun was muffled by the door he stood behind.

          Jongdae looked at me to ask if we were done talking and I nodded so he went and opened the door just as Joonmyun was about to open it. “You can have your office back we’re finished”

          “Oh you’re fine, it’s just Luhan. I don’t know exactly what happened we lost track of him and by the time we realized he’d disappeared he came storming up to the bar, took all three of the shots Chanyeol had just poured, smashing the last one, and left without a word. There was blood on the bar so we think he might have hurt himself with the glass”

          “Did anyone go after him?” Jongdae asked for me.

          “No not yet, I came to tell you quickly first” his eyes passed from Jongdae to me.

          “I’ll go after him it's my fault he’s upset”

          Joonmyun gave me a questioning look but he wasn’t close enough to me to be asking what I meant by that. “What do you want me to tell everyone?” Jongdae asked as I braced myself to go running after him before he got too far.

          “You can tell them to truth” They were probably all standing together in by the bar right now throwing around ideas of what could have pissed Luhan off so badly, and they probably had a few guesses based off of past episodes Luhan had, but I doubt they would ever guess what was really going on.

          “Here take this” Chanyeol handed me a box of first aid from behind the bar.

          “Call us when you find him” Baekhyun had his arms crossed across his chest like he was cold but he wasn’t shivering. He was usually so cheerful and bouncy that it was just a little weird to see him look so serious.

          “Yea” I gave Jongdae one last glance as he approached everyone to let them in the loop. Because of the commotion they must have asked the few customers to go home and turned the ‘sorry we’re open’ light off.