Luhan shows up at the hospital minutes after Kris does. His head is down, his steps dragging, and nobody looks at him when he arrives.

He slumps into a chair in the furthest corner of the room and buries his face in his hands and Minseok could almost feel pity for him but he really can’t, not when Yixing is in emergency and Jongdae is still crying and even Kris got here before Luhan did.

Minseok can’t sit still. He paces in front of the door endlessly, his footsteps quick and furious, refusing to look at anyone in the room.

He hates Luhan for doing this, he hates Kris for being part of this, he hates Jongdae for putting Yixing into this situation, he hates Tao for being oblivious, but most of all – most of all – he hates himself for not doing anything.

He’d known, he had known all of it, but he hadn’t done a thing, hadn’t told Yixing, hadn’t told anyone, hadn’t stopped anyone, and it had led them here.

Here, where Yixing was still in surgery getting treatment for something that should never have happened, where Jongdae was still crying silently at his seat, where Tao was carefully trying to soothe Jongdae, where Kris was standing stone-faced in a corner, where Luhan was crumpled broken in a corner even though he had no right -

Minseok stops pacing abruptly, his fists clenching, his heart aching, and he can’t stop the angry tears from welling up in his eyes.

***

Nobody is looking at each other. Kris feels so guilty he could choke.

He is supposed to be the leader of the group. Not the oldest, but the one that’s supposed to take care of everyone, keep everyone in line.

You’re the worst ing leader.

He supposes one sign of his failure was that nobody had contacted him when Yixing first got sent to the hospital. Then again, he supposes, he didn’t really have the right to know, not when he was at fault for it in the first place.

Kris grits his teeth, staring down at the floor. He’s standing in a corner of the room, opposite Luhan. He doesn’t dare look up at him.

Minseok has stopped pacing, fists clenching so hard that he’s shaking, his knuckles white, staring intently at the door that Yixing is behind, and Kris can’t ing breathe, can’t stay one more moment in this room.

He spins on his heel, makes a beeline for the door. It’s Tao that looks up, finally makes eye contact, something that nobody has done yet.

They’re all in the same room, and yet they’re all so distant from one another, and Kris knows he’s the reason why.

“Duizhang? Where are you going?”

Kris swallows. Tao’s voice is softer than usual, almost pleading, and Kris hates that this is also his fault, just as everything that’s happened today is his fault, no matter how he tries to deny it.

You’re the worst ing leader.

“Don’t call me that anymore,” he whispers, his throat choking up. “I don’t deserve the title.”

“I – but – still where are you going?” Tao settles for not calling his name at all, and Kris’ heart wrenches. Tao was supposed to stay innocent, supposed to stay out of all of this, but in the end, he had still been dragged in.

Those sad, sad eyes only strengthen Kris’ resolve, and for the first time in a long time, his mind feels clear.

“I’m leaving.”

***

I know what I should do.

Kris leaves the hospital and runs. He runs, and runs, and the grey cloudy sky above him calls his name, beckons him, offers him such an easy escape, such a cowardly move, and yet the only move that he can take, the only move that could make this right.

I’m sorry.

***

Yixing stays overnight at the hospital. The members stay with him.

When they return to the dorm in the morning, Yixing is still heavily doped up on medication, but he’s ok, no further complications expected, though he needs to check back with the clinic in a week.

Even drugged to the gills, Yixing still has this sense of wrongness as they stumble together into the dorm.

“Where’s Kris?” he mumbles, his words slightly slurred, and Tao walks slowly towards the kitchen table.

“He left.”

Luhan stumbles. He had been holding Yixing up, and both of them lose their balance, crashing unceremoniously to the ground.

“You mean…” Jongdae chokes out, his throat still thick with tears, but the shock still evident in his words.

Tao doesn’t say anything, just holds out the note to them.

I’m sorry.

***

Yixing barely has a chance to recover from his trip to the hospital before they’re shoved into intensive rehearsals, making up for the sudden gap in their formations, in their lyrics.

He’s not the only one dealing with the sudden loss, but he’s the one dealing with the guilt, because in the end, he knows he’s the reason for Kris leaving. Perhaps Luhan had also played a role, but it’s Yixing’s fault that things had come to a boil.

They had such a tentative equilibrium, such a careful balance between all the members, and because of Yixing’s childish want, his greed, he had destroyed that balance.

But worse than the crushing guilt is the overwhelming feeling of relief in his chest.

He hates himself for it, that he can feel happy when Kris is gone, because Kris is gone, and more than anything else, this is what hurts Yixing the most. How can he feel happy because his brother has left?

He misses Kris, misses his presence misses his guidance misses him so, so much, but at the same time Yixing can’t help but feel glad that he’s no longer around, no longer here to steal Luhan away from him, no longer here to interfere.

And he hates the rising hope in his chest, the hope that things will return to normal, that Luhan will return to his side like before, that they will love each other and be with each other like nothing has changed at all.

Except everything’s changed, hasn’t it?

***

Jongdae returns to sleeping in his own bed.

It’s the first time in a long time he’s been able to do that, fall asleep on his own bed in his own room with nobody lying next to him.

Even so, he finds that he wakes in the middle of the night, as though waiting for that now-familiar presence against his back, the dampness seeping through his shirt.

Jongdae lets out a long sigh, lets his eyes flutter shut again. He’s fine on his own. He should get some sleep. It’s better like this, with Yixing and Luhan together again and Jongdae on his own, as it used to be, as it should be.

He doesn’t fall back asleep.

***

Luhan shakes his head every time Yixing asks him gently to come sleep.

“Not tonight,” Luhan whispers, and Yixing just nods, the hope in his heart dropping just a little every time.

“I love you,” he tells Luhan each night, and each night, Luhan says nothing in return.

Even though Luhan no longer has another room, another person to go to, Yixing still sleeps alone each night.

***

It takes a few months for it to happen, but at the same time it feels as though it happened long ago.

When Yixing comes home from practice one day to Luhan standing in front of a bare closet, he knows time is up.

***

“Lulu… why do you have to go?”

“Why? Why?” Luhan’s voice is just a little bewildered, disbelieving. “You – you must know, don’t you? It’s impossible that you didn’t know. You must have known.”

“No, no, I didn’t know, Luhan, what – whatever it is, can’t we just discuss it? Talk through it? There must be another way Lulu-”

“I was cheating on you, Yixing.”

Yixing had known, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself otherwise, but it’s still a shock to hear it from Luhan himself. He staggers back as though from a physical blow, and Luhan’s face twists into a small, bitter, sad smile. “Did you really not know? You’re more naïve than I thought.”

The words are not said mockingly, but with gentle regret, and it feels like Yixing can’t breathe. He wavers, wanting to step forwards to hug Luhan, to hold him here and keep him here and never let him go, but at the same time he’s frozen, unable to move, not after what Luhan’s just said to him.

Luhan is the one that steps closer in the end, pulling Yixing into a hug. Yixing is stiff, still in his embrace, and Luhan sighs a little, swallowing hard as he tucks his head into the crook of Yixing’s neck. Yixing’s neck has always been sensitive, but over the years, Luhan has learned the trick of doing it so Yixing doesn’t shy away. Even now, he is the only one that can do this.

“I’ll miss you.” Luhan mumbles, his voice soft, barely a whisper, but Yixing hears it all too clearly.

Luhan withdraws from Yixing’s neck, raises up slightly and presses a kiss to Yixing’s forehead. Not his lips. Not any more.

“I love you.”

Yixing is the one that chokes the words out, but Luhan is the one that can’t seem to let him go.

“I know,” Luhan says at last, his voice soft.

He doesn’t say the words back, hasn’t said them since Kris left.

Yixing shuts his eyes, and when he opens them again, Luhan is gone.

***

I’m sorry.

You are still stronger than anyone I have ever known. Never forget it, even when I have.

I am blessed to have been loved by you, to have loved you in return.

You deserve better than me.

I hope that one day, you won’t wear my ring any more. That you won’t be held back by it any more. That, like the amethyst I gave you, you’ll heal, even if it takes a while, even if nobody can see it happening.

I love you too.

***

Luhan has a thousand messages that he would send if only he had the courage, but in the end, he sends not a single one.

He thinks, Yixing probably already knows all that he could say, has probably always known. He had always known Luhan the best, after all.

Luhan’s finger hovers over the screen.

One day, you will be happy without me. Maybe not now, but you will be.

Just as it is time for Yixing to move on, it is Luhan’s turn to let go.

Goodbye, Yixing.

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