When Jongdae wakes up, there’s only one person in Yixing’s bed. Stumbling over, he reaches out to shake him awake. “Time to wake up, Yixing…”

“Jongdae?” Luhan’s voice sounds from the lump under the covers, and Jongdae flinches back, staring at Luhan. “Where’s Yixing?”

“I thought you were Yixing.” It becomes harder with each day to keep his tone neutral, Jongdae thinks bitterly. “When’d you get in last night?”

“Pretty late, I’m not sure what time it was. Everyone was already asleep when I came in.” Lies. Lies, lies, lies. Jongdae bites his tongue, knowing that Luhan had never left the dorm at all.

“Mmm. You can keep sleeping if you want, I don’t think we’ve got anything until the afternoon group practice. Besides, Yixing says you’ve been working really hard lately, I don’t think resting a little will hurt.”

There’s a moment of hesitation before Luhan murmurs a quiet “Thank you.”

Jongdae leaves before he can betray himself, before he can scream at Luhan and rage and cry and he has to clench his fists, wondering what has happened to their group.

***

Yixing is cooking breakfast. The smell of food fills the air, drawing them one by one to the kitchen.

When Kris finally gets up, latest out of all of them other than the still-sleeping Luhan, Yixing is bringing in another plate of kimchi.

Minseok stiffens, eyes flicking from one to the other, but Yixing is smiling, his expression nothing but caring, the same love that he’s always had for all s evident in his gaze.

“Kris, you’re up late again! It’s a good thing we don’t have any schedules until the afternoon. Come eat some breakfast.”

It’s Kris that responds awkwardly, expression uncertain, gingerly sitting at the table, watching Yixing carefully like he might explode at any moment. But there is no anger in Yixing, no disappointment in his gaze, just a gentle smile as he shoves a plate of meat towards Kris.

“You need to eat breakfast, you haven’t been eating much lately. If you’re trying to lose weight, you shouldn’t be skipping breakfast you know. All the articles say if you’re going to skip a meal, you should be skipping dinner.” Yixing’s tone is light, a teasing smile on his face, his words the usual banter they often have.

Startled out of his cautious behaviour, Kris shoots back, “Are you saying I need to lose weight?”

“You said it, not me.” Yixing beams, a twinkle in his eye. “Now eat something before I shove this kimchi down your throat.”

Minseok watches the interaction, watches how Yixing is so normal, so kind and loving as per normal, watches how Kris relaxes, convincing himself that Yixing suspects nothing as per normal. After all, Yixing wouldn’t act like this if he knew, would he?

Biting his lip, Minseok stares at the food in front of him. He shoves his bowl away, standing abruptly. “I’m done,” he mutters, suddenly not hungry at all.

Yixing glances over, surprised. “Are you sure? You didn’t eat much-”

“I’m fine. Thanks, Yixing.” I’m sorry. “I’m heading down to practice. I’ll see you guys later.”

Minseok doesn’t think he can stay another moment in this dorm, filled with people hiding things from each other and from themselves.

“Is everything ok ge?” Tao asks, tilting his head. Minseok glances at him, his face twisting into an unreadable expression. Out of all of them, perhaps Tao is still the most innocent. Single minded, seeing only things he wants to see, never noticing things that weren’t related to him. Some might have called him selfish, but perhaps he was just spoiled, indulged too often by his older members, by the multitude of fans he had. It wasn’t a true selfishness, only the self-centered mindset of a child that had yet to truly mature.

It had taken him weeks to realize Yixing and Luhan had started dating. He hadn’t even noticed the signs of their crushes. And now, being the one rooming with the manager, he was separate from the drama occurring in the other dorm rooms.

Minseok wonders, if Tao knew what Kris had done, what Kris was still doing, would he still say Kris was his role model, the person he wanted to be in two years?

“…I’m fine, Tao. Just worry about yourself. I’ll see you later.”

Although Minseok feels like Tao might be the most innocent, as he leaves, he wonders bitterly if perhaps ignorance is a sin in and of itself.

***

There’s a knock on the door, and Luhan pokes his head out from under the covers, blinking blearily. “Yes?”

“Lulu, it’s me… do you want some breakfast?”

Despite himself, Luhan’s heart wrenches, and he swallows, shoving himself upright. “Um- it’s ok, I’ll come out to-”

“No, no, stay in bed. Can I come in?” Luhan thinks briefly how twisted this is, that Yixing is asking for permission to enter his own room, but he makes a sound of agreement regardless.

Yixing is all smiles when he enters, bearing a tray of food. “Hey, Lulu. Did you sleep ok?”

“Yeah.” Luhan looks up at Yixing, at the food in his hands, and he can only try to smile back. “You?”

“Best sleep I’ve had in a week.” Yixing always said he slept best with Luhan beside him. It’s only a reminder that Luhan hasn’t been around much these days, using his exhaustion as an excuse, his late returns as a reason to not disturb Yixing’s sleep.

Luhan can’t bring himself to smile honestly, but Yixing doesn’t seem to notice. “Here, eat something? You can go back to sleep after, I’ll wake you in time for practice.”

“…ok.” There’s inevitable guilt in his eyes as he accepts the tray. Luhan’s eyes rove over the spread, seeing the impeccably arranged dishes, and he knows the amount of love that went into preparing the meal for him. “You didn’t have to do so much just to feed me…”

“I know,” Yixing says, his smile still bright. “I just wanted to.”

There’s a lump in Luhan’s throat as he looks down, staring at the evidence of Yixing’s feelings for him, as if he needed another reminder that Yixing still loved him so purely. “I’m… I don’t feel too hungry right now.”

“Oh… are you sure you’re ok? You’re not feeling sick are you? Should I heal you with my unicorn powers?” Yixing’s voice is light, teasing, but his expression is filled with genuine concern as he leans over to touch his forehead to Luhan’s.

Luhan just shakes his head, letting his eyes flicker shut. He can’t face Yixing like this, not when he knows he’s betraying Yixing’s trust, not when he’s afraid that Yixing will see the truth in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs. He doesn’t elaborate, hoping that Yixing will just assume he means the food.

There’s a small hesitation before Yixing pulls away from Luhan, murmuring, “That’s ok then… at least have some tea? You didn’t sound too good over the phone yesterday.” He’s holding a thermos, and he presses it into Luhan’s hand. “You don’t have to drink it all now, but it might help with your throat.”

Luhan opens the thermos, the sweet smell of honey and green tea seeping into the air. He takes a small sip, choking it down past the lump in his throat. It’s a careful temperature, warm almost bordering hot, calculated so it wouldn’t burn Luhan’s throat but would stay warm for the longest amount of time. The flavour is perfect, enough honey that the consistency of the tea is almost sticky, but offset by a stronger brew than normal, just the way Luhan likes, but today it seems to stick in his throat, and he swallows harder, staying silent.

Yixing gently takes Luhan’s hand, rubbing it gently. “Are you having trouble swallowing? You shouldn’t push yourself so much, Lulu. What if you really ruin your throat?”

Luhan shakes his head again, smiling a little at Yixing. So caring. As always. Too trusting. Too kind. He’ll get hurt one day.

I’ll hurt him one day.

The smile slips off Luhan’s face and he doesn’t manage to recover it. “I’ll be fine,” he whispers, glancing up into Yixing’s eyes.

And Yixing just smiles, with such innocence, such love, and Luhan looks away, guilt eating him inside out. “As long as you’re sure. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Are you happy? Am I happy?

“Then you’ll always be happy when I’m with you.” Luhan tries to smile, but it doesn’t quite manage it.

In contrast, Yixing’s smile is so blinding, so pure, just as it always is, just as it always has been, and Luhan glances away, closing his eyes, unable to look at it. “I’ll leave you to rest now,” Yixing tells him softly, finally letting go of his hand, getting up from the bed. “I’ll be around the dorm if you need me though. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Luhan replies, but it feels like the lump in his throat has swelled, and only a whisper escapes.

As Yixing leaves, Luhan takes another look at the food left behind, at the thermos of tea still in his hands, and wonders where they went wrong. Where he went wrong.

I’m sorry.

He shuts his eyes again, knowing it’s a lie.

***

Yixing shuts the door behind him quietly, then turns to lean his back against it, letting his head tip back and just barely touch the wood. He doesn’t want to make a sound, doesn’t want Luhan to know that he’s still there.

Closing his eyes, he gently runs a hand over the door, wishing he could be touching Luhan instead. They’re so close, only a door and a few meters separating them, and yet it feels like there’s a giant chasm, an insurmountable wall between them.

Yixing doesn’t know when it started. When Luhan began hiding from him. When Yixing began hiding from himself. Things used to be so easy in their relationship. They had been together for so long, had become so comfortable with each other, and Yixing just doesn’t know when things had changed.

A part of himself can’t blame Luhan for wandering. After all, Luhan had always been the type to crave excitement, crave change. Yixing had always wondered what about him had drawn Luhan in, when Yixing truly believed himself to be the most boring person in the group. Nice, perhaps, caring certainly, but Yixing was never the exciting type, too passive to make things interesting. He had always given way to Luhan, trying his best to make Luhan happy, trying his best to make things perfect, and yet Luhan was drifting apart from him anyways.

Yixing bites his lip hard, then opens his eyes and steps carefully away from the door.

He’d made his decision long ago. He knew what Luhan was doing, but he decided to turn a blind eye to his activities, to make Luhan as happy as possible.

If doing this was what made Luhan happy, then Yixing would let him do as he liked.

He would make Luhan happy, in the hopes that Luhan wouldn’t leave him entirely.