When Luhan wakes in the morning, Yixing is gone.

It’s not uncommon. Yixing usually wakes up earlier than Luhan, and when Luhan glances at the clock, he sees it’s relatively late, past the time Yixing usually wakes, though not late enough to warrant Luhan getting up.

Figuring he’ll just see Yixing later, Luhan lets himself fall back asleep, unconcerned.

After all, Yixing has always been there, would always be there, and Luhan would see him when he woke, just as he always did.

***

“Yixing, Luhan, time to wake up! We don’t have schedules today but if you don’t get up you’ll mess up your sleep cycle!” Minseok is practically singing as he bursts into their room, and Luhan groans, trying to cover his head.

“Come on, up you get-“ Minseok suddenly becomes quiet. “…Luhan?”

“Yeah?”

“Where’s Yixing?”

“He was already up earlier,” Luhan mumbles, still trying to burrow into his blankets. “Is he not in the dorm?”

Minseok is silent, for so long that Luhan pokes his head out to see if he’s ok. “…Minseok?”

“It’s nothing. Just… You should get up now.”

Minseok leaves before Luhan can question the expression on his face, the look in his eyes.

***

Minseok is almost always the first person up in the dorm.

He hadn’t seen Yixing leave.

Nobody had seen Yixing leave.

Nobody knows where he went, why he went, when he will return.

If he will return.

***

Yixing is gone for the entire day.

Jongdae texts him, but there’s never a reply. When he calls, he’s told that Yixing’s phone is “currently unavailable, please try again later.”

Gritting his teeth, Jongdae chucks his phone across the room, though he’s careful to have it land on the couch. He doesn’t want to buy a new one yet.

Luhan leaves around lunch, mumbling about needing to do something, and Jongdae wants to scream at him. What about Yixing?

Out of sight, out of mind, apparently. Luhan can love Yixing when they’re right beside each other, but the moment Yixing is out of the picture, Luhan goes right back to doing his own thing, with no regard for Yixing or his whereabouts.

Jongdae wonders if Luhan even thinks once about Yixing, what he might be doing.

Jongdae wonders if Luhan misses Yixing when they’re apart.

When Luhan returns late in the afternoon with Kris not two steps behind him, Jongdae clenches his fists, having found his answer.

***

Luhan frowns a little when he realizes it’s late in the night and Yixing still isn’t home. He’s never been this irresponsible, staying out all day without telling anyone. Quickly firing off a text, telling Yixing to come home soon, Luhan shrugs and glances at the door to their room.

After a few moments, he makes his way to another room instead, swallowing a little.

“Can I sleep with you tonight?”

“Sure,” Kris says with a smile.

***

When Yixing comes home in the wee hours of the morning, Jongdae is curled up on the couch.

“Jongdae? What are you doing out here?” Yixing’s hand is cold against Jongdae’s shoulder, and he rouses blearily, blinking sleep out of his eyes.

“Nothing, I was just… waiting for you. Where’d you go all day? You didn’t answer when I called.” Rubbing at his eyes, Jongdae stares up at Yixing, takes in the flush on his cheeks, the paleness of his hands. “Are you ok? You look cold, were you outside this entire time? Oh my god, you must be freezing, come here, I’ll make you some tea-”

“It’s fine,” Yixing whispers. “You shouldn’t have waited up, what if I hadn’t come home? You should have just gone to bed.”

“But I didn’t want to sleep with them,” Jongdae mutters without thinking. A moment later, his hand claps over his mouth in horror, his eyes widening.

But Yixing’s expression barely flickers. There’s just a terrible look in his eyes, like he’s dead, like he died long ago.

Unable to face him, Jongdae bows his head, curling back up on the couch. “Just – just go to sleep, Yixing… I’ll stay out here for tonight.”

“…You can’t sleep out here like this, what if you get sick? Come on, sleep in my room if you don’t want to sleep in your own.”

Still shocked, still half-asleep, Jongdae lets himself be dragged into Yixing and Luhan’s room.

He stumbles towards Luhan’s untouched bed, only to be pulled back by his wrist. Blinking, he stares at Yixing, who has his head bowed.

“…Sleep with me tonight?”

Jongdae shuts his eyes, quietly following Yixing into bed.

***

They only sleep, as Jongdae expects. No matter what Luhan does, Yixing would remain faithful.

Yixing starts the night out facing the wall, pressing himself into as small a space as possible. Jongdae falls asleep facing the other way, trying to figure out what Yixing wanted him here for.

In the middle of the night, Jongdae wakes to find Yixing pressed against his back.

“Yixing?”

“Shush, Jongdae. You’re dreaming.”

Jongdae nods slowly, shuts his eyes obligingly, pretending he doesn’t feel Yixing shaking, pretending he doesn’t feel the wetness seeping into his thin shirt.

***

It has been a long time since Yixing has cried.

He had never been one to cry much. He had never really shown his emotions through tears. Not when his injuries made him unable to move, not when he missed his family, not ever, really. He had always held himself back, forced himself to remain strong for other peoples’ sakes.

Perhaps it’s because it’s been so long, but Yixing cries harder than he ever has that night, sobbing silently against Jongdae’s back, forcing himself to trust that Jongdae is asleep, that he doesn’t know, that nobody will ever know his weakness.

***

Yixing wakes up alone.

Forgetting, he reaches out, half-expecting things to be as before, when Luhan would still be in his arms, sleeping peacefully. He had always woken up later than Yixing had.

It takes him a moment to remember it wasn’t Luhan he slept with last night. It takes another moment for him to remember why.

Yixing curls up alone in a bed meant for one, somehow feeling like it’s much, much too big for him to sleep in, clutching at the ring he still wears around his neck.

***

When Luhan wakes up, he’s curled against Kris’ chest, and the other side of the room is empty. Luhan bites his lip, feeling a little guilty. He can’t really blame Jongdae for not sleeping here last night. Sighing a little, he extricates himself from Kris’ warm embrace and leaves the room quietly, padding over to his own room.

He lets out a long sigh when he sees Yixing curled up in his own bed. At least he came home last night…

“Yixing, are you awake?”

“…what if I said no?”

Luhan snorts despite himself, a reluctant smile creeping across his lips. “Mmm… well then, I’d have to wake you up, wouldn’t I?”

He leans in close, his target clear, and before he can get anywhere Yixing’s neck the latter is already squirming away.

“Lulu, no, come on, that’s not fair, I’m up, I’m up!”

Laughing, Luhan drapes himself over Yixing’s shoulder, intentionally breathing into his ear and snickering when Yixing flinches, scrunching his nose and squeezing his ear against his shoulder.

“That’s not fairrrrrrrr…” Yixing whines, squirming in Luhan’s embrace. “Just because I’m ticklish…”

Luhan’s smile is fond as he finally releases Yixing, who immediately turns to face him. “Not my fault you’re freakishly sensitive,” Luhan teases, laughing.

“You ,” Yixing mutters, but his smile is equally gentle.

“Where were you yesterday? We didn’t see you all day. I fell asleep in Kris and Jongdae’s room while waiting for you, you know.” The lie slips off his lips so easily, Luhan thinks, and his smile flickers briefly.

Yixing doesn’t notice, having glanced down sheepishly. “I… I just wanted to get away for a bit. Sorry I came back so late, I didn’t mean to disappear without warning.”

“It’s ok, as long as you’re safe. Just… tell me where you’re going next time? We were all worried about you.”

“Ok… I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“Don’t be. As long as you’re safe. I love you, ok?” Luhan hugs Yixing closer to him, carefully angling so that Yixing can’t see the expression on his face.

When did everything I say to Yixing become a lie?

***

When Luhan leaves, telling Yixing again that he was glad he had come back safe, Yixing waits for a few moments longer, then slowly pushes himself out of bed.

He pads over to his jacket, to where his phone sits in his pocket. He’d turned it off for the day, on a whim really. He had wanted to know what the reaction would be. What would happen if he disappeared, no way to contact him, no way to know what happened to him? Would Luhan be worried? Would he panic?

If Yixing died, would Luhan grieve?

Yixing turns on his phone, scrolls through the notifications as they pop up, and his heart sinks.

He has his answer.

Yixing drops his phone onto his desk carelessly, unable to look any longer. The notifications are still popping up, the backlog too much for his phone to handle at once, but Yixing doesn’t look at the buzzing device any more.

Suddenly, it feels as though everything is too heavy, too oppressive, too stifling, and Yixing crumples to his knees with a thud, even as his phone vibrates off the desk, landing on the hardwood floor with a clatter.

The door opens again behind him, and arms wrap around him from behind, careful, gentle, and Yixing closes his eyes. Luhan.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, leaning back into his hold. “I’m so sorry.” Just let me stay here a little longer. Just hold me a little longer.

I’m sorry.

***

Jongdae says nothing, just nods against Yixing’s shoulder, staying silent, staying steady, letting Yixing pretend for just a little longer, letting himself pretend for just a little longer.

***

(1) Text: From Luhan (11:28PM)

Come home soon! We’re getting worried, you shouldn’t stay out so late without telling anyone! Don’t forget, we have practice tomorrow afternoon, so you should still get a good night’s rest, ok?

I love you!