With December comes the glimmer on her face

And I get a bit nervous, I get a bit nervous now
In the twelve months on I won't make friends with change 
When everyone's perfect can we start over again
The playgrounds they get rusty and your heart beats another ten thousand times before
I got the chance to say I miss you

When it gets hard, I get a little stronger now
I get a little braver now
And when it gets dark, I get a little brighter now 
I get a little wiser now
Before I give my heart away

Well we met each other at the house of runaways 
I remember it perfectly, we were running on honesty
We moved together like a silver lock and key
But now that your lock has changed, I know I can't fit that way
The playgrounds they get rusty and your heart beats another ten thousand times before
I got the chance to say I want you

When it gets hard, I get a little stronger now
I get a little braver now
And when it gets dark, I get a little brighter now 
I get a little wiser now
Before I give my heart away
When it gets hard, I get a little stronger now
I get a little braver now
And when it gets dark, I get a little brighter now 
I get a little wiser now
Before I give my heart away

A Little Braver - New Empire

"I thought it was for the best of us. You told me I said that I didn't want a relationship because I was busy. You are as much as I am. I lied. I think I like you. Every word I said since the beginning was a lie. All the words denial I spoke are not true. I lied to you, to my unnies, and to myself until now. You only wanted a simple relationship. A super rookie trying to survive the industry. I agreed. I regret. When everyone's perfect can we start over again?"

The lost letter. The one she never had the courage to send. Casual relationship wasn't her thing. She learnt it the hard way.

***

"Let's keep it casual." He said when they first met. She agreed. She wasn't ready to dive in a relation (with a stranger, and moreover, in front of cameras) but every affectionate gesture toward her melt her determination and she had no choice to open her heart.

She knew it was going to happen if she wasn't careful enough. From the start, when he proposed to be a engaged couple instead of a married one, she knew he was the kind of guy she wants to have in her life. He was too kind too gentle too flirty to only consider her as a friend, right?

From there, she allowed herself to think what could it be like to really be with him. They were meeting every week for the show but they were also talking on the phone regularly. That made it: after 3 months she realized that she liked him. As a man.

Inner trouble came with the realization. Should she tell him right away? But if he doesn't like her the way she does, the relation will start to be awkward. And they still have to film the show. After all, it is their job. Feeling shouldn't have been mixed up. Work and personal relationship are two things different and one shouldn't affect the other.

Then, Love light came. She thought she could confess to him. He was such a gentleman and caring toward her. But her dreams and fantasy built on her own crumble when the camera went off. "Casual meeting. As friends" he unconsciously reminds her. She couldn't do anything else than to agree.

The letter was the result of resentment and envy especially when he called her. She never had been jealous but when she heard them speak together, the idea of him with her make heart twinge. That's when she knew she was in love with him. The idea of not having him in her life was unbearable. She vowed to shut all her feelings for him so at least, she could stay in his life as a friend.

***

Everything was perfect until he found out. She never knew how. She never asked either. She just received a phone call from him, telling her that he was sorry but he didn't feel the same way. The ball was in her camp as to continue to talk to him or not.

***

"It's been a while, how are you, Yong Oppa?"

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A simple grave was in front of her:

Sergeant Jung Yonghwa

1987 - 2018