A little hungover.

A lot scared.

Standing in a room with a bunch of guys all eyeing each other awkwardly.

It reminds me of my first day as a trainee… only there, I felt even more left out since many of the kids already knew each other and I was the odd one out in more ways than one.

Here, we're all strangers. All equally awkward, equally clueless, and it helps a little. Though not having a fringe to hide behind when everyone stares at you . And my ears are cold.

Wonder what they see looking at me? What they think? I see the same half-scared, half-confused look on their faces I saw in the mirror this morning. We're all leaving our lives behind. For me, it's the third time of walking away and starting something new. Some of the guys here could be doing this for the very first time—and I don't even want to imagine how they must feel. That would raise too many ghosts.

Stepping out of the car and through the gate was hard. Now it's just weird. Like stepping onto a huge stage when you're not sure of your welcome. There's worry churning in your gut, just because you don't know what's going to happen next. In a way I'm grateful I was too queasy to eat this morning. Throwing up in front of a crowd because I'm nervous… yeah, that'd go over well! And thank you, Yoochun. As if I needed that visual.

Getting to hang out with everyone again was nice. There's never enough time to do that and now I'm gonna miss them. A lot. Starting something new is harder when you've got to do it alone… especially when you're a lot scared. And a little hungover.