He woke up at night and headed to the bathroom, locking himself inside. As he slowly sat in a corner, he started scrubbing furiously at his sun-kissed skin. His filthy skin. The skin that was once his pride but now is the thing that brings him down. Gosh, he hated this skin so much. All he wants to do now is to drown in a tub of acid, Clorox. Anything that would get rid of the surface and instead peel off to reveal milky skin like Taekwoon's perhaps. Things had never been this bad. Its usually under his control, under his power as the leader. Somehow, the kids lost their respect. Heck, they even lost their care. They literally flung Hakyeon's pride aside and assaulted the only thing he has which reminds him that he has a loving family back in Changwon. And so he cried and scrubbed till dawn approaches, stopping only when Hongbin knocks on the door.

///////

Scared.

Hakyeon is too scared to even get off the van, his restless mind weighing him down. He could already predict what would happen as soon as they were, HE were to step into the studio. And as always, he was right. 

"Oh! N-ssi. Have you gotten darker? Did you sat under the sun 24 hours? What happened to you?"

And the members would laugh and shrug it off. Taking it as a normal joke, that Hakyeon would tell the people around him to stop and shut up if he hates the joke. Besides, Hakyeon would understand that it was a joke that was meant to make the audience laugh afterall, right? Hakyeon smiled bitterly as he took a seat.

"Of course, hyung-nim! N hyung loves the sun very much. They are life-long friends!" Leo cracked up at Hyuk's joke. And Hakyeon's heart followed pursuit.

"N-No. That's not it. I've been applying whitening cream these days, don't I look much fairer now?"

"Eyyy, This friend and his never ending self-praise." Hakyeon forced out a laugh. But that's the way he defends himself, the way he keeps the tears inside. Oh, well. Nobody cares. The interview sailed past him in blurry pictures and voices. All he knows is that a few more jokes about his skin were made before his auto-pilot mode took over and now, he is leading the wrap-up.

//////

Suicide.

He won't lie. Of course he had thought about it. Had ALMOST done it in fact. He had the blade positioned perfectly over his main vein. What had stopped him? Ah, yes. The members. What would happen if he wasn't there? Could Taekwoon get over his shy side and start talking a lot as VIXX's leader? The members are the only thing holding him back. The only thing that is keeping him from snapping, from shattering. Yet they are also one of the main reason as to why he is here in the bathroom again, the never ending scrubbing routine on full power thanks to the interview in the afternoon. Stop? Tell the kids to stop? How? They had made this joke into something they put their heart and soul into. Something they would do to release all the pent up anger and frustration. When they were particularly upset and tired, the jokes would be harsher and when Hakyeon pissed them off, they'd go waaaaaaay beyond the limits. As much as he wanted to break down in front of the kids, he can't. He is the leader, he has an image to uphold. A dignity to stand for. No one will ever understand, no one would want to listen to any of it anyway.

//////

Fault.

Is he the one to be blamed? Is he too easy on the kids? Should he be a tad more strict? But he doesn't want to. He wants them to be like a family. He wants them to be particularly close with him so that they know that he is always here, ready for them to pour their hearts out. The kids could never understand his way of affection. To them,  Hakyeon is over the top, annoying and rambunctious when all he hopes for when he does the skinship is love. He is scared that he would drift apart from the members and be all awkward around them so he casts aside his shyness and pride just to stay intact. Only god knows how much it hurts inside when his love was rejected.

///////

Taekwoon.

Taekwoon? He's madly in love with Taekwoon. So deep in love he can't find a way out. He is proud of how Taekwoon had changed nowadays, Taekwoon is much more open and a tad less shy than before. He always finds a way to get Taekwoon involved in any activity that VIXX does. Even if it is in the slightest way. But will Taekwoon ever notice them? The secretive loving glances he threw in Taekwoon's way, the lingering touches, the words he used. Is it not obvious enough? He wants to confess to Taekwoon badly because the guilt is eating him up. But what would happen then? Hakyeon is sick of rejections. And so he kept the love, the pain to himself. Hakyeon continued scratching at his skin. He looked at his arms which had a few bleeding cuts on it. He was so immersed in his thoughts, his scrubbing went over the limits. Just as he stood up to clean up, Taekwoon entered the bathroom.

"What the-"

He scrambled to his feet as he grabbed a towel to hide his bleeding arms.

"Hakyeon... What are you doing?"