Among the many people on the streets I feel alone – IF… - B1A4

            Dear Gege,

            After the incident in the street I was taken to the hospital’s psychiatric ward. When I woke up I had both of my hands bandaged. The doctors told me that I wasn’t going to be going home for a while. I was going to be stuck in the hospital until the doctors could help me with my schizophrenia. Living in the hospital and it feels like torture.

            “Zhang Yixing?” a voice asked as soon as I opened my eyes. I was blinded by the bright sunlight streaming through the room. As I regained my sight I realized I was not in my bedroom, but I was lying down on a bed. “Are you awake?”

            I groaned sitting up in the bed looking around the unfamiliar room. It was a pure white room. White curtains, white bed sheets, white walls, white chairs, white everything. Where was I, what had happened?

            I looked down at my hands when I realized I couldn’t move them freely. They were both heavily covered in bandages, slightly tinted with red that looked like blood.

            “You went through quite a lot two days ago,” the voice said again standing by my bed. I looked up seeing a female doctor checking the machine I was hooked up to, since I had a small tube stuck in my arm.

            “What happened?” I asked, my voice croaking. It had felt like I hadn’t talked in ages. My throat was dry and I desperately needed water. I scanned the room, spotting the glass of water, downing it in one sip. “What is this place?”
            “You are at Myunghwa Hospital,” she said writing some stuff down her paper. “You were checked in here two days ago after your incident in the street close to your school.” I looked at her in confusion. “You still don’t remember what happened?” I shook my head. “I’m sure it’ll come back to you.”

            “When can I go home?” I asked, feeling restless just lying there in the bed not doing anything. I really wanted to move around and leave the room.

            “I’m sorry Yixing,” she said shaking her head. “But you won’t be able to leave the hospital for quite a while I’m afraid. What you did was very dangerous to your health and the well being of others. For that reason we are going to have to keep you here for a while for you to get better. Please rest.” She bowed her head to me slightly before heading out of my room, closing the door.

            I leaned back against my pillow looking out the open window. It looked like a really nice day and I wished I could be outside in the nature instead of being trapped in this room. There was nothing to the room, it was literally just a bed, a table, and a chair. They had even taken my cellphone.

            A few hours later my door opened and my mom and dad walked in followed by a male doctor. My mom cried when she saw me hooked up to the machine smothering me with a lot of kisses. My dad stood next to me silent not saying anything.

            “Yixing,” the doctor said looking at his clipboard. “Based on what happened to you two days ago you have been diagnosed with schizophrenia since you have created a human being that doesn’t exist. Kim Joonmyeon.”

            “No,” I said shaking my head at the mention of his name. “He definitely is real. I saw him a few days ago. He is very much real.”

            “Yixing,” mom said. I looked at her as she was tearing up again. “Yixing.”

            “He is real,” I said. “He exists. I know it.” The doctor smiled at me as he looked at his notes. I could tell that he was trying to make me feel better but it was not working at all. How would you feel if someone tried to tell you that your best friend wasn’t real? It was just another person who didn’t believe me.

            “Well tomorrow you will have a meeting,” the doctor said. “I am Dr. Park by the way. Park Jungsu (Leeteuk), I will be one of your doctors during your stay here. Anyways the meeting tomorrow we will show you the CCTV footage of what happened in the street two days ago. That is all for now. Your parents may stay with you for a few more minutes but then they will have to leave.”

            “What abut my friends?” I asked looking at Dr. Park. “Will I be able to see them while I am here in the hospital.” I needed to see them since they had been there when I had been taken away in the ambulance. I needed to tell them what was going on.

            “I’m sorry Yixing,” Dr. Park said. “They will not be allowed to visit you until you get significantly better. But they are allowed to write you letters if you want them to.” I nodded my head looking at mom and dad. “Alright, Mr. and Mrs. Zhang if you can tell them they can that would be greatly appreciated. You will get dinner soon.” He bowed his head before walking out of the room.

            “Yixing,” dad said after Dr. Park was out of the room. “Please.”

            “Stop,” I said quietly looking down at the white sheet that was on top of me. “Please leave me alone.” I felt mom grab my hand but I yanked my hand free from hers. “Please leave.”

            “Yixing,” she said choking up. “Why are you pushing us away? Honey we only want for you to get better.” She tried to grab my hand again but I shoved both of my hands under the sheet.

            “I would like to be left alone now,” I said. “I need time to myself. I’m sure you believe Dr. Park about Joonmyeon hyung and not me. Until you believe me that he is real, please don’t stop by to visit me. I’m going to set things right.”

            “But,” mom said her voice breaking. I looked at my parents as my dad put his arm around mom.

            “Let’s go honey,” dad said quietly. “We aren’t going to change his mind. At least not today.” With that they left the room leaving me alone. I laid my head down onto the pillow staring up at the white ceiling as I felt tears threatening to fall down my face.

            “Don’t cry,” I said out loud. “This is not the time for me to be crying.” But my words had no effect on my emotions because I soon found myself crying. I buried my head under the blankets crying, letting my cries fill up the entire room.

            That night I slept through dinner and cried myself to sleep. I felt like I was prisoner in the hospital and everyone, my parents, friends, and these doctors who were strangers to me were trying to break me. They were trying to brainwash me into thinking what they thought. They all wanted me to acknowledge that Joonmyeon was not real and I had made him up. I wasn’t going to go along with their game.

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            The next day after I had woken up I was given a wash loth, shampoo, and a towel so I could shower in the bathroom down the hall. Although Dr. Park had to stand in the bathroom with me in case I did something bad. I thought it was stupid since I was just in desperate need to wash my oily hair and feel clean.

            After stepping out of the shower Dr. Park handed me a clean hospital uniform that I changed into before we left the bathroom.

            “Do you feel better and more clean?” Dr. Park asked. I nodded my head as we walked down the hallway to head to my meeting with the other doctors.

            “Why did you have to stay in the bathroom with me?” I asked as we walked. “I mean I had no intention of harming myself.” I frowned a little as Dr. Park smiled at me patting me on the shoulder.

            “It’s just a policy,” he explained. “Some patients do try to harm themselves when they shower and we can’t have that happen so we don’t take any risks. I believe you when you said you wouldn’t, but I don’t want to get in trouble for not following procedure. You are my first patient.”

            “I am?” I asked looking at Dr. Park. He was on the younger side, so I guess it made sense that I was his first patient.

            “Yes,” Dr. Park said. “As an official doctor and not an intern you are my first patient Yixing. I want us to be friends, or as close to being friends as you are comfortable with. You can call me Leeteuk, my nickname my friends call me.” I nodded my head smiling a little at him.

            When we got to the room where the meeting was to be held there were about five doctors total sitting in front of a screen and projector.

            “Please sit,” Leeteuk said to me. I sat down next to him as the head doctor turned off the lights in the room.

            “What we are going to show you today is the CCTV from the incident,” another doctor said. “I am Dr. Lee Jongsuk, I will also from time to time be helping with you Yixing, more so in the therapy sessions and psychological setting. Along to help is Dr. Song Jieun (Secret Jieun).”

            “Hello Yixing,” she said smiling at me.

            “I know you already,” I said looking at her. “The subway.” I remembered her face as the woman that had helped bandage me up when I had tumbled down the stairs after running out of Jongdae’s house. “You bandaged me when I fell.”

            “Ahh that is right,” Dr. Song said nodding her head. “I remember that now. It is nice to see you again, even if it is not in the most pleasurable of places.” I nodded my head before Dr. Lee continued to talk.

            “So Yixing,” Dr. Lee said. “Just watch the footage and then we will talk about it. Sound good?” I nodded my head again as Dr. Lee pressed play to play the CCTV footage.

            The whole room fell silent as it showed the first parts of the incident. I clenched the seams of my pants when I saw Joonmyeon hyung getting hit by the car before I ran into the street and threw the rock into the car window.

            Watching the whole scene again was not pleasant. I still didn’t like seeing that the car had hit Joonmyeon hyung. I felt that the driver of the car got what he deserved when I ruined his car and fought him.

            The screen went black when everything was over, the last bit showing me being lifted into the ambulance and being taken off to the hospital. Dr. Song turned the lights back on before Dr. Lee took the seat across from me.

            “So Yixing tell me what happened,” Dr. Lee said smiling at me. “I know we just watched the footage, but I have a feeling what you saw and what the rest of saw was very different.”

            “I was running after Joonmyeon hyung,” I said. “And he stopped in the middle of the street when I tripped and he got hit by that car. That’s why I threw the rock in the car’s window and fought the guy.”

            “Why did you smash your hands into the car windows?” Dr. Lee asked. “After you had fought the driver?”

            “I don’t know,” I said looking down at my newly bandaged hands. Leeteuk had put new bandages on them after my shower. “I guess because I was sad and angry at what had happened. How would you feel if you saw your best friend getting hit by a car and lying bloody in the street?”

            “So you saw Joonmyeon in the footage?” Dr. Lee asked. “He was there when you fought the driver and punched your hands into the car windows? He was still there on the street?”

            “Of course he was,” I said looking down at the table. “Why wouldn’t he be there?” I took a deep breath as I felt my temperature slowly beginning to rise. More questions about Joonmyeon’s existence that was exactly what I needed right now. First being caged in this hospital then more people not acknowledging Joonmyeon.

            “Throughout your time here you’re going to watch the footage again and again,” Dr. Lee said. “By the end of your stay here you’ll be able to watch this and see the truth.”

            “The truth?” I asked standing up glaring at him. “The truth his that my ing friend got hit and that driver is perfectly fine! No one has done anything about the fact he hit my best friend! That is the truth!” I slammed my fist onto the table immediately regretting it, I could feel my cuts on my hand starting to open from the impact on the table.

            “Yixing,” Leeteuk said placing his hand on my arm. “Please sit.”

            “I think we are done for today,” Dr. Lee said. “Tomorrow we will begin therapy.” He bowed to me before Leeteuk took me out of the room leading me back to my room.

            “You need to not do that to your hands,” Leeteuk said once we were back in the room. “Or your hands won’t heal.” He took off the bandage cleaning the blood off my hand before putting a new bandage on my hand.

            “Do I constantly have to stay in this room?” I asked kicking at the floor. “I hate it the most in this room. I can’t do anything in here.” I sat down on the bed throwing my face into the pillow crying. This time it was pure tears of anger and frustration for everything that had happened.

            “Come with me,” Leeteuk said. He opened my door leading me out of the room to the elevator. I followed him as he pressed the button for a higher floor. When we exited the elevator we were in a glass dome with all sort of flowers all over the place. The floor wasn’t a floor but grass. “This is the hospital flower garden where the patients can be more free here. You don’t need to stay in your room all the time. Anytime you want to go here you can just press the buzzer next to your bed and someone will take you up here.”

            “Will I have to be supervised here too?” I asked rolling my eyes, but still amazed at all the color and smell in this dome.

            “Yes,” Leeteuk said. “But you will have more freedom here. The nurse or doctor will just be here but you are free to wander around as you please.” He sat down in one of the chairs leaving me to explore the garden.

            I walked around running my fingers through the flowers, feeling the soft petals on my fingertips. I sat down surrounding myself in the field of flowers inhaling all the scents of the flowers.

            I smiled as I felt myself relaxing. This was going to be my safe zone. I was going to remember this place whenever I needed to get away when I really couldn’t. This was my escape even though I couldn’t truly escape.

            In the future meetings with Dr. Lee I am supposed to tell him about your suicide that happened six years ago. He and everyone else are convinced that Joonmyeon has to do with your death. I still don’t want to listen to the doctors, but it seems like that is the only way I will be able to leave.

            ~ Yixing

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Yep so Yixing is going to be going through some tough times at the hospital. The doctors are all popular people. Lee Jongsuk, Jieun, and Leeteuk. I hope you all liked the chapter and what will be coming up in future updates. I will have more time now since it is summer to update the story more regularly. 

~ ALSK20