108 pounds.

"What. The. ."

Haeri steps off the scale quickly and goes into her room, as if turning her eyes away from the horrible number will make it untrue. Wasn't she 106 yesterday? And 103 when she started her diet? Why is it that instead of losing weight, she's gaining it instead?

"Don't play that game with me," Haeri mutters to herself as she gets dressed. "You know what it is," she continues under her breath, "it's that bar of chocolate you snuck into yourself at midnight yesterday. It's that extra half cup of rice you always pretend you don't have. Dammit, Haeri, why can't you just stick to the ing diet? 1200 calories a day, that's not so bad. Other girls legit starve themselves."

On the way out the door, she stubs her toe, leaving her in an even fouler mood. She vows to cut down to 1000 calories a day for at least a week.

It's just a mind game, she repeats over and over again. A mind game. All you need to do... is control yourself. You know what that means. Drink tea when you're hungry. That's got no calories. Brush your teeth so you're put off food. Don't eat after six. Stop bingeing...

Haeri's sick of everything. She's sick of feeling hungry all the time and overeating and then feeling fat and disgusting. She's sick of how she hasn't lost a single pound. She's sick of food being the enemy, of mentally calculating the pros and cons of eating something. If she eats the chocolate, she has to forego lunch. If she eats lunch, she doesn't get a snack after dinner. She's sick of, inevitably, giving in to her cravings. She's sick of feeling guilty for eating. She's sick of feeling jealous of girls from schools that have those perfect bikini bodies no matter how much they eat or drink.

Why do I have to work so hard for something they effortlessly have? I will never be able to wear a bikini like them.

Bitter, Haeri has never been so bitter in her life.

The part she hates the most, though, is how much this experience has revealed just how little self-control she has. She was determined to keep things under control. Developing an eating-disorder was an impossibility. Yet now, Haeri finds herself dangerously close to the brink. No matter how many articles she reads about how throwing up will ruin her teeth, her voice, and how chewing food for the flavor and then spitting it out is terrible for her health, she is savagely tempted to do those things.

She's miserable, honestly.

She opens up MyFitnessPal to record her lunch. The image of a perfect body will not let her go. Sehun could have all those girls, but for some inexplicable reason, he's with her. She needs to make herself worthy of him. She knows she can do it.

It's just so difficult. And today's going to be just another tough day like any other. Haeri realizes grimly that life is going to be like this for a long time.
Loads of mysterious calculus homework? Check. Studying for the big college exam? Check. Gym workout? Check. Up till three AM? Check. Nightly pity crying session? Check.

But Haeri's a tough girl, so she makes it through the day. She always has.

It's my job to be perfect, right?

An arm drapes itself around Haeri's shoulder, startling and bringing her back to the world. A cheerful, loving greeting follows. She doesn't need to look up to know who it is. Shame courses through her. She doesn't deserve this.

"Sehun," she chirps back, hoping he can't hear the utter falseness behind it. "How was class today?"

"It was okay," Sehun answers thoughtfully. "Though I must say, I really miss math club. Too bad the season isn't longer." He winks impishly at her. Haeri's heart does a little leap before her brain reminds her that there's no reason to be happy at this particular time in her life.

"I wish the same thing sometimes," Haeri says wistfully. She realizes that she has nothing else to say. Is this what their relationship has come down to? Haeri not even knowing what to talk about with her own boyfriend?

Sehun is impossibly oblivious. Haeri wonders if he's aware that a) he's single-handedly keeping this relationship alive and b) he's probably picked the worst girl in the school to date. Haeri hopes selfishly that he never realizes these things.

"Well, Haeri," he starts playfully, "if you're not too busy this weekend, I have a proposal for you."

Haeri tilts her head, question in her eyes.

"How about we go on a date, just you and me? You need to unwind a bit, and there's been this place I've been wanting to show you since forever. What do you say?"

Her heart thumps fiercely. Her brain asks mockingly if eating out that day will ruin the diet. Haeri tells her brain to shut up.

"I..." she begins slowly. Sehun looks painfully hopeful. "I... have some stuff... I mean. Sure. I would love to go on a date with you. The stuff can wait." Sehun's joyful expression makes Haeri feel that for the first time in a while, she's made a good decision. She feels a bit dizzy with relief, and possibly even a rare little bit of happiness.

Sehun exclaims, "Awesome! I'll pick you up at your house at noon?"

Haeri smiles and replies truthfully, "I'll be looking forward to it."