March 15, 2014

“Juhyun-ah, are you okay?” a female voice inquires as I struggle to open my eyes. “Girls, girls, she’s awake!” She announces.

My vision was blurry the moment I open my eyes, but blinking a few times seemed to have worked, for their faces have come to focus.

“Aigoo. Our maknae is awake.” I shouldn’t have wondered whose voice was the most worried one – Hyoyeon unnie.

“Unnie,” I whisper than say. There was no voice that came out. I clear my throat. “What happened?” I ask, as my unnies gather around me, smiling sympathetically.

They looked at each other, deciding on who should speak up for the group. Here comes our leader, being responsible of her title.

“You passed out during our performance.” Taeyeon unnie says gently. She fixes my hair to the side as she continues to speak. “In case you can’t remember, we were at the Incheon Korean Wave Concert, performing IGAB when you suddenly fainted.”

I try to remember the events, the scene. I can see flashes of image of what happened. Hyeoyeon unnie, running to my side, the other members, panicking, and the gloomy scream of fans filling my ears until my vision came black.

I feel sick and ashamed of myself. I can’t bear to see Girls Generation in every newspaper’s headlines because of my own doing. I know a lot will say that we were in lip sync, or we were not doing our best to please the fans, or worse, we are disbanding because of such accidents. I don’t want our group to fail because of me.

What wonders me is that, I’ve never fainted in a performance before, nor do I ever feel weak and got sick. I don’t know what had happened out there, if I could just turn back time and –

“Seo Juhyun.” It was Tiffany unnie now, her tone, cautious. “Stop overthinking.” She says and smiles.

Who else would know me better than my sisters? Of course, they’d know that I’m blaming myself for everything.

“It’s not that you wanted what had happened. Neither of us do, but some things are just beyond our control. What’s important is you’re fine now. Okay?” Her eyes were filled with gentleness as she spoke. “Whatever happens next, we are all in this together.” Fany unnie looks at the others, as if telling them to agree. They all nod their heads.  

--

The hospital room was silent, the beeping of machines were the only things that can be heard. Hyeoyeon is sleeping in an extra bed, it is so small that if she’ll move more she’ll fall off. Taeyeon unnie, on the other hand, sleeps on a chair, her head, leaning on my bed. How I wish I could give them ease that they should be sleeping in their beds right now, regaining all the strength they could, since it is the only rest they could have.

So this is the feeling of being sick? Of being taken care of? So this is what Yong oppa feels whenever I come – that he is a burden to me, to s. The reason why he didn’t want to let his brothers know is because he didn’t want to see them like this – tired, but will sacrifice their own comfort for him.

The saying is right. “You wouldn’t know how someone feels until you experience it first-hand.”

Oh right, I haven’t checked if he’s doing fine.

I search for my phone, and thankfully, it is on the table beside my bed. Thanks, Taeyeon unnie.

--

Yong’s POV.

It has been 6 hours since their performance, and no one has called me yet. The last update that I got from Tiffany was that Seohyun was still unconscious and her sugar level had dropped.

It was hurting to see her like that. So pale and weak. The shadows below her eyes were dark, as if she hadn’t had enough sleep for the past few days. Right, she couldn’t have enough sleep because of me.

Her regular visitation at our dorm was tiring, her, buying my medicines, and getting my lab results when I can just do it myself but I let her anyway and only now, I realize that I was being selfish.

Her practicing for 8 hours a day for the preparations for the concert is exhausting. Her other schedules, her diet, her regular exercises, her going to the gym.

To sum it all up, her immune system will give up in no time, and too bad that that ‘no time’ had to be the concert.

The crowd went wild, the fans rushed to the front row to see what happened, there was almost a stampede.

I knew it was gonna happen. I was monitoring her from the backstage, since I was one of the MCs, and we just finished our part in the concert. Her dancing was not right, her words were slurry as they perform. As soon as she fainted, there was no more thinking. I ran up to the stage, bumping into everyone, not bothering to say ‘sorry’. I hear my manager call my name, telling me to stop, saying that there is someone on guard to help if something goes wrong. But I ran anyway. Dealing with the scandals that might erupt was the least thing that I remembered. The only thing that mattered then was to get Seohyun to the hospital, to know what was going on.

Hyeoyeon was the first to see, since she always had he eyes on Seohyun-ie. She ran immediately to her side, followed by Taeyeon, then the rest of them. They had gathered around Seohyun. I heard them shouting for help, panicking. When I saw them, I didn’t see the famous Girls Generation. I didn’t see the images they show us on TV – the beautiful singers, top models, the idols we look up to – Instead, I saw them being one, I saw them as a family. A family who cares for their member, for their youngest who had fainted.

I ran up hastily to the stairs to the stage, stumbling on almost every step. Seohyun’s manager saw me and helped me, he knew right away that I was eager to help as much as he was. Sooyoung spotted me and had given me space to run to. She told the members who were filled with fear to give space as well, and they did.

Seohyun was not the Seohyun I knew when I saw her. She was as white as paper, the dark circles around her eyes were standing out despite her make up. Paparazzi crowded on the stage, the flashes of their cameras was blinding but it made me come to my senses and conclude that staring at her will do her no good.

I wrapped an arm around her shoulder, the other under her knees as I carried her with all the strength that I have. If she heard me or not, I wouldn’t know, but I kept on whispering ‘Hold on, hold on’ to her ears, hoping that she would respond.

--

2 am.

I hear my phone ring. I had ceased on staring at it for hours, waiting for news about Seohyun, but here it comes, thing I’ve been waiting for.

But I didn’t expect Seohyun’s name to flash on the screen when I checked it.

“Seohyun?” I say, being cautious. Who knows, it may be her unnies, using her phone to get my number. But really, I’m hoping that I will hear Seohyun’s voice, reassuring me that she is alright.

“Oppa.” Thank God, it’s her. “Oppa, how are you?” she asks.

She must have not remembered that I was there, she must think that I am sick as before, and she didn’t hear whisper back then, nor did she even know that I was the one that drove her to the hospital. I don’t know why, but I feel relieved. Does she even know that I know the she is in the hospital right now?

“I’m fine.” I lie. I couldn’t stand ever since I got home. My legs are wobbly. My adrenaline was what made me do what I did. I’m thankful for who knows what part of my body is responsible for my adrenaline glands. “Where are you?” I ask.

She is silent, thinking of an acceptable excuse. “Um, did you watch the news?”

“No. why?”

“Did you come to the concert?” So she is testing if I knew. As expected, Seohyun is really a genius.

“KWave? No. Sorry, I haven’t watched your performance yet. Why?” I lie again.

I hear her sigh with relief. “Nothing, nothing. Did I wake you?”

“No. I, uh, was about to call you to check if you got home safely after the concert since you haven’t called yet.”

She chuckles. “Oh, sorry oppa. I was just busy. Did you take your med – ”

“Juhyun-ah,” I cut her. “Get some rest, you need it. And don’t talk too much, your voice doesn’t sound good.”

She gulps as she says, “Good night, oppa.”

I hang up. I can’t take it anymore. Her lying for me to not worry. I want to ask her how many times has she done that? To cover for all the things she is experiencing just to make me feel better? To say that she’s okay but really not? To say that she’s fine when she is sick?

How many times have you lied for me to get better?  I want to ask her.

--

Seohyun’s POV.

“Aigoo, I hate lying.” I didn’t want to lie to oppa, really, but now is not the time to make him worry when I’m already okay.

I guess news and reports about the concert is revolving in the internet now, and I think I should be the first to check it since I’m the cause of this incident.

I brace myself for headlines like “SNSD in lip sync? Secret revealed by Seohyun’s fainting.” Or, “No preparations for the concert. SNSD’s Seohyun fainting showed that she didn’t prepare her physical body for their performance.” Scary headlines fill my mind as I enter Incheon KWave Concert in the search bar.

The first result is a thumbnail picture of Yonghwa oppa, carrying my off the stage.

And of all headlines that I thought of, this never, ever crossed my mind.

“YongSeo is real?”