Yong oppa's scarf is on my hands. I clutch it tightly, as if bringing it closer to me could help, but it is the one thing I can do as of now. I bury my face on the material, smelling his usual scent. 

Minhyuk and Jungshin had ran off straight to the room when they saw their hyung collapse, leaving me alone. 

They had told me to relax, but how could I? 

They said everything's gonna be okay, but how can I believe them when I saw the happiest and liveliest person I've ever known, collapse lifelessly like a trampled rose - it's beauty disappearing and the only thing that I can see through it is pain. 

I hear muffled sounds of coughing, slurred words that are said fast, orders from Jonghyun to get this and that, to wipe something, to clean something. I try to mute them all by concentrating on some thoughts that can distract, concentrating on the garment of oppa that somehow gives me comfort.

I didn't realize the tears that have flowed across my cheeks that I wiped it hurriedly with the heels of my hands so no one would see. I don't want them to see me weak when they are all trying to be strong for Yonghwa. 

Jonghyun, his face was covered with fear the moment he heard Yong oppa scream, when as far as I know, he was never the one to show affection too much too quickly. 

Jungshin, that kid, he didn't mind tearing in front of me when he saw the blood on the floor - the blood that Yonghwa had coughed out, - and I admire him for his never ending love for oppa. How I wish I was the one who would pat his back and tell him that everything's gonna be okay, though I know that that is the easiest excuse to think of. 

Minhyuk, who was trying his hardest to keep himself calm for everyone's sake. But his eyes speak otherwise, of how he stopped his tears from flowing, it tells me how hard he tries to be strong, to look strong. His grip on mine was shaky and the trembling of his hands showed how badly he want to help oppa in anyway he could.

Those three that showed nothing but worry, adviced me to sit and wait and told me that everything's gonna be okay are the strongest people I know. 

And I know that I have to be strong as well, the way they are all trying. 

I thought I heard the door click. I guess I'm really not good in muting the world without a book in my hand. 

"It hurts me when you cry." 

It was a sentence the brings light in a dark cave, a path in the wilderness, and hope to a faithless heart.

"Oppa..." I say, my voice trembling.

"Juhyun-ah, stop it." He says, his voice scratchy. He eases himself as he settles to sit beside me. "It's okay." He reaches for my hand.

"How can I believe you now when what I saw is the exact opposite of what you just said?" 

He brings my hand to his face to cover his eyes. "Forget it. Pretend you didn't see anything." He says, embarrassed. "I can't even bear to look at myself after what happened." His voice was full of disgust.

"Oppa, there's nothing to be ashamed of, it was never ---"

"I don't want to look weak in front of the people I love." He sighs, "Look at my dongsaengs, as much as I want to put smile on their faces and in the fact that I can't, breaks my heart." He pauses as he inhales, "And seeing you crying and tearing like this because of me kills me." His voice had lowered, his last sentence a whisper. 

I smile at him, bringing my hands down to look at his face. "You can't be strong all the time, because if you're hurt, they'll think you can handle it without them." I say carefully. "You can't smile when your heart is screaming with pain. You cannot smile when your eyes get sore in holding your tears." I grip his hand, "Oppa, you are human too. Their joy is seeing you happy and well. You cannot stop stop them from doing something that would ease their hearts." 

He nods in almost every word, absorbing and understanding what I really meant. 

We were quiet when the boys finally came out of the and lowered their heads when they saw us talking. 

"Thanks, Juhyun." He says finally returning the pressure of my hand. "What would I ever do without you."

--

8:30.

The dorm was eerily and awkwardky quiet. After what had happened to oppa, none of the boys had said a single word, nor a smile spread on their faces. Oppa, being the eldest and the leader can't stand the gloomy atmosphere tried to lighten up the mood. 

Surprisingly, it didn't work. He must be too tired because he gave up already.

Breakfast was served. 5 mugs of ma were on the table. But only 3 seats were occupied by the CNBLUE members. 

"Where's Jonghyun?" Oppa asks.

Minhyuk and Jungshin exchanged glances. Oppa notices them. "Ya, stop acting as if I can't read you." He tells them. "Where is he?"

"He's not talking to anyone." It was Minhyuk who answered.

"I'll try and talk to him." I volunteered. 

Oppa looks at me with pleading eyes, telling me to make Jonghyun feel better. I smile at him as if to say, 'I'll try.'

Knock knock knock.

No answer.

Another knock.

Still no.

If he won't answer now then I'll come back later.

I knock one last time.

"I'll talk to you later hyung." He says, his voice is muffled but audible. He must be on the door.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" I ask.

There was a sudden breath intake as if he forgot that I was here all morning. He opens the door slightly. "Can I come in?" 

He nods, defeated. Of course, no one can say no to a visitor. 

I enter his room that is surprisingly neat. I pull the door as I am completely inside, careful not to make unnecessary noise. He gestures me to sit on his computer chair, and I did. 

"He never told us he was sick." He starts. "We didn't know it until last week, when he started to look... Different." He breathes out. "He coughs too much, his skin is so pale it's almost translucent. He passes out many times after our schedules. And he's too skinny." He closes his eyes as if the memory of it was unbearable. "And it hurts me to see him like that because he can still manage to smile. To make us laugh. And we fall for his excuses that he's not sick anywhere."

Jonghyun, who, Kyuhyun oppa said never opens his heart to anyone except to the members and him, breaks his wall and instead, telling everything that he cannot bear to carry to me. It's amazing how he chooses to trust me and to express his deepest feelings, not caring of how he looks like, forgetting that he is a member of CNBLUE and All he is now is a friend of mine, and a brother of Yonghwa.

He opens his eyes with tears welling up. "I'm not used to seeing him like this. He said it's ischemia." He shakes his head. "Hyung is a great liar when it comes to wanting the people he love to be happy."

My heart began to pound fast. This is not good. "If it's not ischemia, then," I pause, "Then, what is it?" 

Jonghyun looks at me with tired and hurtful eyes, the way Yong oppa's eyes looked like when I saw him at the lobby last night. 

"His doctor showed me his previous check ups, for more than 8 months ago." His voice was full of regret and guilt. "He knew it all along Seohyun. He has been under medication for so long and he didn't tell anyone except Shinhye."

"Jonghyun, tell me, what is it?"

"Bronchiectasis."