SEUNGHYUN POV

“Hmm… I say, we can join them? I’ve never made kimchi before!” I shuddered as her words replayed in my mind. For a moment I thought she meant it, that she really wanted to make kimchi with my mother rather than going out with me.

That pretty much summed up our relationship, at least from my point of view. She’s always there, her bright smile, her arched up lips, her messy morning hair, her nagging. And yet she seemed so unreachable, so fragile, as if I’d lose her in one touch.

Believe me when I say I know what that deadly one touch is.

It made the soft body leaning on me now even more dreamlike, more unreal. I had to hold onto her so tightly to make sure she won’t just disappear before my eyes.

Standing on the balcony, the panoramic view of the beach reminded me of one of the happiest moments with her, before the cruel fact sank in. I had my suspicion back then, but suspecting something was one thing, getting the fact smack right into your face was another hell.

There’s no turning back, I thought. It’s today or never. Clarence’s not around, we would have no intervention for these two days. Being on an isolated island meant it’s just us, so we’d have to talk it out. Yes, call me a jerk, I had this all planned. But to my defence, was there another way?

Besides, we’d been together for over a month now but I’d never done something to deserve the “boyfriend” title. “You’re TOP, but you should at least put ‘Leena’s boyfriend’ before that, at this rate she’s going to dump you soon,” Noona yelled at me on the phone last week she checked in. I tried to retort but nothing came out. She’s right.  

So here we were.

Holding the wine bottle and glasses, I looked across the living room, she’s sitting on the couch, staring out the full height window pane. She looked so young, so unencumbered. That’s how she should be and she should had been, a carefree girl going out with her friends, working part time at a café to save money for trips, enjoying her life. Raising a child was definitely not on the list. My heart ached at the sight as it reminded me of the culprit who had turned her world upside down. Me.

I forced a smile when I strode towards her, although I was sure it looked bitter.

That’s it, she knew, I thought when she accused me of doing all this out of guilt. My denial came spurted out without my brain processing it. In that moment, I realised I was not prepared to confide just yet. I pulled her by her wrist and yanked her onto my chest. “I guess I’m just too scared of losing you.”

“You’re not losing me,” she whispered. My heart cringed.

Can you say the same when you saw the dark side of me?

I myself was surprised by how smooth it sounded to play the five questions game. A part of me was thinking to get to know her more with this not so subtle trick, but a bigger part of me was hoping she would go deeper, or throw those typical questions a typical girlfriend would ask. But she’s not typical, I should have known by now.

Her first question almost made me choke on my wine, and I was that near at getting a at her proposed second. All you need to do is ask, and I’ll be more than willing to show you. The words were on the tip of my tongue but I decided the tease could wait, and her beet red cheeks didn’t seem capable to take any of these ually tantalising hints.

The next question she tossed at me was close to what I’d expected. “How many ex-girlfriends?” Did I mention I felt myself shrink at the question, somehow? That’s how it feels to be confronted by someone you love, for something you’ve indeed done, I thought. It’s not a confrontation, at least not to her, but to me?

Let’s settle with “confession” instead.

And so I began my story, word by word poured from my heart. I can do it, she deserves to know the truth.

I knew it’d be hard, I didn’t know it’d be this damn hard. Years had passed, I’d even gone to the army and back, but the ache at the mention of her, of our relationship, was still as prominent as ever. If I had to say, it’s more prominent now that I knew she didn’t just leave and put everything behind, she bore my baby while I was flying between countries, yelling “I love you” to the fans. I had never despised myself this much.

“I guess she just didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore.” I dropped my head, eyes on my lap. I shut my eyes and in a long breath. Now, tell her what you saw in her living room, tell her you saw her picture, the picture she’d taken with her. And you saw that bump in her stomach.

“I—” I looked up to find her dark orbs, I need to look at her when I’m doing this, but the gloomy expression on her face shoved whatever words I planned to say right down my throat. What’s on her mind?

I took her hands in mine and squeezed, she wasn’t responding. I leaned in and kissed her on the tip of her nose. Her lashes batted, and we locked eyes. Her eyes were looking at me, but I wasn’t sure if she saw me in her eyes because the once mesmerizing orbs were now empty, dull and lifeless. Her brows still tightly knitted together, which I mirrored without knowing, god her hands were cold, and she looked as if she could pass out any moment. I didn’t think twice before pulling her towards me, wrapped her trembling body in my arms. “But it’s all in the past. I’ve you now, that’s all that matters.”

When I said it, I truthfully meant it. I was dying to know where she was and how did Clarence end up living with Leena and calling her mom. But once the words were spoken, it made everything hard, I realised I had just shut my own door. How am I supposed to tell her Clarence’s actually my son with my ex when I had just reassured that “it’s all in the past”?

I slapped myself mentally. No, no, no, you’ve to let it out. You can’t go further with her if you never truly opened up to her. You’ve kept it from her for longer than you should, you can’t back down now. There must be another way. Right, I should try another way, maybe I should beat around the bush instead of walking right to the nub?

What did she ask to get me talking all that just now? Oh yeah, ex-girlfriends.

I had the urge to snap my own neck when I heard myself said, “How many ex-boyfriends?” I frowned when I found it feel a little too jealous for a boyfriend and that was not my intention. Did I feel jealous by thinking how many boyfriends she had before me? In the middle of this? Really?

Things sure progressed fast and my brain was a little too sluggish to catch up because when the cloud in my head had finally gone, I found myself arguing over the rule book of this stupid five questions game. Who invented it anyway? Was there a rulebook? You know what, I couldn’t care less. I just wanted to see her smile. I can’t help but giggle when her cheeks flushed red upon the mention of ex-boyfriends. How many did she have actually?

I slapped myself again in my head. Keep your jealousy in your pocket! The ex-boyfriends can wait! So I asked about Clarence’s father instead, who’s technically and biologically, me. But she didn’t know, and I didn’t know how much she knew.

A fleeting gaze in her eyes flared my hope, in that brief moment I thought she was going to share what she knew about him. Or me. Geez I don’t know anymore. But she yawned instead, a fake one, obviously, and gave the lamest excuse as she’d been drinking too much when she barely touched her glass.

But I didn’t push. I had a bad feeling about her reaction as if she was running for something. So I watched her climb the stairs listlessly.

Somehow I knew she didn’t sleep, she was probably huddling in a corner in the room, thoughts running in her head. I was nothing better down in the common area. My head ached as hell but I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t want to sleep. Everything was out of control, nothing had gone as I planned.

I had rehearsed thousands of possible outcomes after I confided to her. She’d think it’s fate that had brought us together, her being the bridge to connect me and Clarence, and we’d live happily ever after. That’s the best that could happen. I was not being stupidly optimistic though, knowing the fairy tale ending was in fact on the bottom of the possibilities. She’d get mad, few slaps were high on the list, she’d run away, but it’s all right, I wouldn’t let her go, I’d hold her tight, convincing her we deserve a fairy tale ending.

It’s already dark when I snapped out from those “if she…then I…”s. It must have been hours since I sat in that position. Grunting stomach and an aching back proved me right.

I threw a glance at the kitchen, a smirk cracked across my lips. If she didn’t want to talk about Clarence’s father, I could wait. Well, not really wait, I can always beat around the bush, she’d crack one day. I just needed to show I was worth the trust.

And all this, might as well start with a fabulous dinner prepared by the omnipotent boyfriend. People used to say girls should impressed guys with their cooking, I strongly disagreed that, guys can look y when we cook, you know?

But soon I succumbed to the fact that the omnipotent boyfriend was omnipotent only when it came to ramyeon. I had unpacked the spaghetti but that was before I came to realise I didn’t know how to make the sauce. So I went back to my forte.

What a smart choice it was, I thought when she took the first bite gingerly while throwing me the surreptitious doubtful glances, and the next second her face brightened up, before she buried in the bowl, almost the bowl clean.

Observing wordlessly across the table, I smiled as she slurped the noodles, making relishing noises, I made a mental note that this was the first time I cooked her something, which meant I at being a boyfriend. But that’s a good start, wasn’t it?

Then I didn’t feel like bringing up the topic anymore. What I wanted was for us to cherish this moment together. As much as I wanted to know everything to the root, I didn’t want to ruin this moment. I wanted to take her smile all in, I wanted to burn that in my head and treasure it.

Why am I acting like a braindead high school teen who went to camping with his first love? “Can I uh…sleep with you tonight?” I even ing stammered! It’s not like we’d never been sleeping together, we’d done that dozens of times, of course, just sleeping, no subtext. I wasn’t planning on doing anything more than that either, at least not tonight.

But why was my heart racing like a wild horse when she dragged me up the stairs and into the room? Why was I keeping my back straight and stiff against the headboard, and my palms were sweaty?

Then I came to realisation. “It’s different, it’s just us, for the first time,” I thought. To embarrass myself more, I thought it out loud.

My eyes went wide when she shuffled under the cover, rolling onto her side and looking up at me. Wouldn’t she feel it’s too soon for us?

I felt like banging my head against the headboard when she asked me to turn off the bedside lamp. The stupid bedside lamp.

Okay, I ratiocinated in my head as I finally lied down on my back, eyes staring at the ceiling, lamp’s off, it’s all dark, and what now? Should I just sleep? She said she’s sleepy right? But I want to talk to her, take her in my arms, hold her close.

But what if it gave her the wrong impression that I’m trying to do thing to her? It’d freak her out!

I can feel her eyes were on me despite the darkness. I just knew. So I followed my instinct. I my side to look at her. She’s in my arm length, but that’s all it was. I’ve the girl I love lying next to me and I was keeping a ing arm length between us. How bold you’re Choi Seunghyun.

I held my breath when her body’s pressed against mine, an arm draping loosely around my waist and something sparked within me when she planted a kiss on my lips. It’s just a peck, the warmth on my lips dissipated just as fast as it came. And I wanted more.

I s an arm around her, pressing on the small of her back to close our distance, lips reaching down to hers which opened elegantly upon my demand. Her leg somehow made its way between my thighs and I made sure it’s pinned. I might be wrong, I want to do thing with her. Tonight. Now.

First I needed to get rid of anything in our way. The inconvenient robe wrapping around her delicious body for example. Moans escaped her lips when I untied the rope at her waist, parted the robe and swirled my tongue around her while my thumb brushing over the other one. I smirked, knowing she wanted that too.

My shirt was long gone by now. Reluctantly I pulled away from her lips, only to plant carnal kisses on her cheeks, along her neck down to her collarbone, and nibbling her flesh here and there, leaving marks that I was sure would be bruise the next day. I wanted to remember her curves, every of it.

I was startled when she gripped my wrist which was trailing towards her nether ladybits. A gust of cold air blew through me as she pulled herself away from me. I saw fright and terror in her eyes which were glistening with love just seconds ago. , I cursed inwardly, I scared her.

But the way she responded to me, what could it mean if not she wanted me as much as I wanted her? Then the thunder hit me. , did I hurt her? Was I being too rude?

“No, not yet.” I frowned at the incomprehensible answer. What does that mean? She thinks I’m gonna hurt her? “I’m not gonna hurt you,” I replied without even thinking, because I didn’t need to. I would never hurt her.

“I’ve never done this.” Did my brain lose a screw or I didn’t have it with me today? I can’t understand a word she said. She has never done what? It took me a few seconds to come up with a surmise which didn’t seem to make any sense at all. Does she mean… She can’t be Clarence’s mother, not biologically, I know that, but she’s saying she has never had ?

Life is the biggest jerk. When you did everything to make that one thing happen, everything else happened but that one thing. And it happened when you didn’t expect it at all.

“There’s a story I must tell you before we can go further,” she whispered into my chest where I held her tight. She looked as if she could break into pieces any minute. I listened quietly as she began to speak between sobs, didn’t give much thought, until a red flag went up in my head when she mentioned about a Korean boyfriend taught her friend Korean.

I felt everything before my eyes was spinning as I registered the said boyfriend was indeed me. “Hospital…he never showed up…broke up…pregnant…cancer…” Her voice sounded distant and muffled, I could only make up a few words but that was enough to give me the clear picture of what had happened.

She had cancer? Why didn’t she tell me? Why didn’t she come to me? I racked my brain for the answers, tears prickling my eyes. Desperately I closed my eyes to stop tears from falling down but a drop somehow escaped. But I didn’t give a damn, my thoughts were running wild. Cancer? A ing cancer? What had she gone through those days when I wasn’t around? She had been enduring all that on her own?!

The next thing she said sent my mind still. “She died,” she screamed, “She died giving birth to his child!” and everything seemed to have come to a halt. She landed fists on my chest, over and over. I let her. She didn’t know but I deserved every single one of it. I could see black spots before my sight and I heard nothing other than buzzing in my ears. Her voice echoed for thousand times on my mind, “She died… she died giving birth to his child…”

She died giving birth to my child.

“I’m sorry,” is the only thing I could muster to come out of my mouth, faintly, barely a whisper.

What does that mean? That I feel sorry for Leena? Who was I apologizing to? Leena? Or her?

I have no answer, everything’s so muddled up.

I’m a mess.