LEENA POV

It has been days since I last saw him, and that was almost a week ago. He joined us for dinner but he looked rather preoccupied. Did I say something wrong? Was I being too obvious that I wish I could have him around and that was what scared him away? Is he avoiding me?

Of course he’s avoiding you! That must be it! He’s T.O.P and take a look at yourself, who are you? A single mother with a six year old child! He must have lost his mind if he’s interested in you. You made him breakfast, and then dinner, everyone would think you’re after his . He’s being polite to hide himself for a day or two just so you get the go-away-from-me hint.

I slump into my bed, cursing at my inexcusably ignorant self-deception that I might have a chance with the goofy but hot as hell neighbour.

My cell phone buzzes a little on the bedside table. Probably just another advertisement. Sighing, I roll to another side of the bed, burying my head under the pillow. I’m too busy cursing and self-regretting that I don’t have time to entertain those ads.

Few minutes later, it buzzes again, and another buzz right after that. Okay, now the sender is persistent. Wait, advertisements don’t come as frequently as this.

I pull myself from the bed to reach for my cell phone. A glance at the screen sends my eyes wide open and my heart skips a beat. Hesitantly, I click on the envelope icon.

Seunghyun : Leena, are you asleep?

Seunghyun : Sorry, I didn’t see your lights are off. I thought I could use a drink or two.

Seunghyun : I miss you.

I frown at the last message, my heart pounding. What does he mean by he misses me? Miss me like, really miss me? Or just missing a friend? Is he drunk?

Pondering whether to reply something, I subconsciously walk out to the balcony, eyes still looking at the phone screen in my hand. I need fresh air.

“I woke you up?” The baritone voice sends a chill down my spine and I almost lose my grip on the phone. “I didn’t know you’re here.” He smiles weakly. “I can’t sleep.”

I’m uncertain of how he looks right now for he is engulfed by the darkness. Neither of us keep the lights on. But judging from his voice, he’s tired. Mentally or physically, or both, that I’m yet to know.

A dead tired man telling you he can’t sleep, there could be two possibilities. He’s high, or he has something needs to pour out and he wishes you could be his audience.

Both of us stay in silence as my heart is having a battle with my mind. My heart screams “ask him over and you can drink and talk” while my mind yells “get a hold of yourself , you’re just a neighbour to him! He’d probably think you’re trying to get into his pants!”

“Can I come over?” , did I just say that out loud? But when did my voice get so hoarse?

“Leena, are you okay?” I snap back from my mental battle. “Huh?” “Can I come over?” He repeats. I heave out a heavy breath when I realise I did not desperately voice out my deepest desire. But my brows knit together at his voice. He’s almost pleading.

“Yeah, sure. Uh, at the front yard? Is that okay with you?” I can hear he let out a breath in the darkness. “Yes, front yard sounds nice.” “So, I’ll be waiting for you there.” I did not wait for his response before I fled into my bedroom.

I mentally slap myself all the way as I walk down the stairs, across the living room out to the front yard. Okay, now breathe in, hold it, breathe out. Your neighbour needs a listener, and you’d be nothing more than that. Get it? Don’t say anything stupid and make a fool of yourself.

I’m moving agitatedly on my lounge chair when he walks in through the door next to the front gate. I my head a little to look at his face under the soft beams of street lamps. When I first met this man, I didn’t think he’s handsome, well, not breathtakingly handsome. But why is my heart beating so fast as if it’s going to jump out of my chest? Breathe, breathe!!!

He settles the wine bottle he brings with him on the small table beside me before he takes the other lounge chair. Just like the other day, the day he asked me to go to Australia with him.

“Wine glass?” He asks softly. I jump in my seat. “I forgot! I’ll go get them now.” Stupid! Stupid! It’s like a silent agreement between us that he’d bring wine and I’d prepare snacks and GLASSES! I stand right up to run for the wine glass, and perhaps giving myself one slap or two in the kitchen, physically, since mentally slapping myself has shown no effect.

But I freeze in my track when he grabs my wrist and stands up. “Don’t go,” he blurts out. I turn my gaze from my wrist to meet his eyes. “But… The glass…” “I don’t feel like drinking now,” he stops me midsentence.

Looking into his eyes, I find myself trapped in his intense gaze. Neither of us speaks. He’s still holding my wrist. What should I do now? I can’t look into his eyes, God knows how hard I’m biting on my lips to not kissing him.

I avert my eyes to the ground. Ground is safe, ground is not seductive. “Leena,” he whispers, tightening his grip on my wrist, not but enough to hurt me. “Look at me.” His hot breath tickling my ear. it, who am I to resist this? I raise my head to meet his heart-stopping eyes.

“Too close!” My mind screams. I stumble to take one step backward but he takes a step forward and with his another hand settling on my lower back, he pulls me back to him.

Startled, I raise my eyes to look at him but my legs feel weak the moment our gazes meet. Why are you doing this to me? You disappear for almost a week, you didn’t give me a call nor a text, and that’s how you say hi to me? Holding me in your arm so close that I can feel your heartbeat.

A little consolation to myself, I’m not the only one with a frantically beating heart, his heart is beating fiercely as well. Perhaps, I’m not just a neighbour?

My mind raises its voice again, “Wake up you—” I can’t hear the rest as he brushes his lips against mine. It’s soft, light and hesitant, as if he’s worried I might push him away or worse, slap him in the face. To be honest, that thought has crossed my mind, but I throw it away and decide to go with my heart. Closing my eyes, I kiss him back.

Everything seems to have quietened down. Wind is not blowing, crickets are not chirping. He releases his grip on my wrist and puts his hand on the back of my neck instead. Starting soft, the kiss gets passionate and heated. When our lips finally part for breaths, he rests his forehead on mine and we both pant heavily. A smile crawls across his face.

He lets out a huff, which I raise an eyebrow at. “I was so nervous.” He says amid his heavy breaths. “Hmm?” I simply hum to demand answer, my mind is still cloudy from the kiss. I gasp when he pulls me into his embrace, his head resting on my shoulder. “I was scared that you’d push me away.”

That’s not something you’d hear everyday, T.O.P telling you somebody would push him away. I chuckle at his insecurities. “Well, I didn’t.” He pulls away, now smirking. “So, does that mean you’re feeling what I’m feeling too?”

This sneaky bastard.

“What are you feeling, Choi Seunghyun-ssi?” I play dumb, but in the most obvious way that even a fool can tell that actually carries the subtext “no way in hell I’d confess first”.

He shifts in his position, his hands holding my arms. Even in the dimly lit front yard, I can see his blushed cheeks. He stammers, “I might look like a bastard…sometimes… The first time we met… it was… gosh I still kick myself whenever I think of that one.” I chuckle as I replay the scene in my mind. I did call him arrogant bastard. “I did call you a bastard.” We let out a chuckle together.

“But you’re different, you’re…special. I don’t know how to put it into words, but you… you stayed since that day.” He takes my hand and put it on his chest. I can feel his heart pounding against my palm. At that moment, I understand what he’s trying to say. I stayed in his heart. My sight is blurred by the tears welled up in my eyes now.

“I thought the feeling will go off. But apparently… it didn’t. I want to see you, to talk to you, to hold you in my arms. And Clarence, he’s so cute and adorable, I’ve known him for just months but it feels like we’re friends since forever. I’m sure we can get along very well.” He smiles when he talks about Clarence but the name hits me like a hammer.

Clarence! Awareness smacks me, waking me from the dream I wish it would never end. The name reminds me of who I am, that I’m a mother of a child, that I deserve no one, that I should allow no one in my life, let alone him. Choi Seunghyun. T.O.P.

Desperately, I struggle to free myself from his arms. He stands frozen, a surprised look on his face. My name is the only word he could mutter. “Leena…”

I turn around, for I wouldn’t have the heart to tell him those words looking into his eyes. “I’m sorry, I… I lost my mind, I wasn’t thinking.” There is a lengthy silence. “Bull.”

He’s right, it’s bull. But I have to make it sound like it isn’t. I can feel his gaze piercing through my back. A gust of chilly wind blows past me, the warmth from his embrace has gone with the wind.

“That may be bull for you, but it isn’t for me.” I fake a mock, “Ah… I get it now. You feel insulted. Is this the first time someone says no to you? Right, no one says no to Choi Seunghyun.” I fling my hands in the air, heart squeezes so tightly that I can barely breathe as I laugh bitterly. “You probably think we can have fun together, for… months? Or just weeks? But I’m sorry, Seunghyun-ssi, I have no interest in playing that game of yours, nor do I have the time.”

He’s curiously unperturbed. “You know that’s not true.” I can hear him step forward, but he stops when I take another step to keep a safe distance. I can taste blood on my tongue as I bite down on my lips too hard. “I’ve a child for God’s sake! Why did you walk into my life and gave me false hope? We don’t even have a chance. You, and me? TOP and a single mother? That’s ridiculous! The media will tear you into pieces. Your label, your members, they—” My rambling stops abruptly as he pulls me into him from behind, his hands wrapped around my waist. He whispers into my ear, “I like you.”

If the hug stopped my rambling, the three words stopped my breathing. He repeats, “I like you, doesn’t this count?” Warmth spreads through my chest. Is it his body warmth, or the words? He tightens the hug. “If you can look me in my eyes and tell me that you don’t like me, that you feel nothing to me, nothing at all, I’d let you go. But I know the otherwise, there was a glimpse in your eyes, it told me that our feeling is mutual. You can’t deny that.” He grabs my shoulder and slowly, he turns me around to look at him, which I obey, with tears rolling down my cheeks.

He smiles feebly, wiping the tears off with his thumbs. “Pabo.” His gentleness makes my nose scrunches up and my tears seem to have no intention to stop rolling down. I was trying so desperately not to meet his eyes, but now that he’s standing inches away, I can’t shift my gaze from him. Looking up at the unbelievable man before me, his words replay in my mind like a broken record. “Look me in my eyes… nothing at all…I’d let you go… your eyes… our feeling is mutual… pabo…” No one had said those words to me, no one had spoken to me in such gentle way, no one could look through me like he did.

Of all people, why are you the one? Of all people, why did you pick me?

“Say something, you’re starting to freak me out.” No words are spoken. Everything seems frozen, except for the incessant streams of tears pouring down from my eyes.

He seems to be at lost. “Gosh… What should I do now?” Cupping my face in his palms, he wipes the tears off again and again. “Why wouldn’t it stop? Geez…” In panic, he gives up using his hands and brings down his lips instead. I close my eyes as he plants soft kisses along the trail of tears, my balled up fists relax and reach for the hem of his wool sweater, clinging tightly onto it.

I open my eyes when he pulls away, his hands still cupping my face. His shoulders slump in relief when we lock gazes. “Thank God, it stopped. You freaked me out.” I stare at him in silence. “Leena, I’m not good at this… I don’t know what to do… Say something, please…”

I part my lips, ready to speak but nothing comes out. There’s too much in my mind, there’s so much I want to tell him words are stuck in throat, or rather my heart. Unable speak a single word, I tighten my grips on his sweater, shaking my head, feeling helpless.

“Let me make this easier for you. Give me a nod if your answer is yes, and shake your head if it’s a no, okay?” Slowly but determined, I nod. He seems relieved with the answer. “Leena, I know the road ahead won’t be easy, but will you at least give it a try and walk down this road with me?” He looks at me gingerly, anticipating an answer.

For a moment I just stare at him, pursing my lips. My mind and heart are having a war, again. But eventually my heart sends the stubborn mind into coma with a kick.

With a smile on my face, I nod again.

He stands there, frozen, unsure whether he’s in dream or it’s indeed happening. Chuckling, I pull him to me and peek a kiss on his lips. He blinks. “Is that a yes?” I laugh at his flexibility of changing from a man to a kid. “That’s a yes, pabo-ya.” I lean up and kiss him, he pull me into him with his hands on my back before I could retreat, not that I would retreat. He deepens the kiss. Slowly but without hesitance, I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him back, as passionate as he is.

SEUNGHYUN POV

Lying against the headboard, grinning like a fool, furiously tapping on the phone screen, I send her a message. “You may have doubts, you may feel insecure, but all I hope right now is, you know how much I’m thinking about you, and you’re doing just the same.”

I wait for minutes, but she never replies. Not that I expect she would, the Leena I know must be horribly restless, pacing around the house, pulling her hair even. She said yes, she’s my girlfriend now, that’s all I care. I’m not giving her the chance to slip away from me. The single mother trick won’t work on me, I mean, why would I care? I’m ready to have a family, she kind of save me some time.

That’s not even a trick, if I knew she’s not a single mother, not exactly.

FLASHBACK

“Look closer, look into her eyes.”

I did look, really look at her, to the extent that made her flushed, asking me was there something on her face. I tenderly ran my fingers through her hair and added, “No, I just think you’re cute.” She blushed even more, stuffed more rice into , looking at anywhere but me.

Realisation hit me that very moment. Was I blind? Why didn’t I see this before?

“You’re gonna eat or just sit there?” She composed herself and asked. I stared at the dishes before me. That was when the second wave hit me. A girl cooked for you, what does that mean? I don’t know about the others, but my ex-girlfriends never cooked for me, okay they did cook ramyeon but it didn’t count, right?

“Uncle Man, is it spicy? I can’t take spicy food too,” Clarence pouted at me, then at his mother, pushing the bowl of kimchi stew away from him. We both felt that “Uncle Superman” was too lengthy, so we consented with “Uncle Man” instead. I didn’t mind, not at all, Uncle Man sounded manly and it made me feel closer to him. “Yah, it’s not spicy at all, mommy used to add chili, this time I didn’t, so stop whining.” The bowl was pushed back to the pouting boy. She put down her chopsticks and looked at me. “I didn’t put onion, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

She remembers I don’t take onions! Okay, I’d be better off just shooting myself in the head if I didn’t get it by now. Why would you be solicitous if that person had no place in your heart?

Crumpled the emptied can and threw it into the trash bin, I decided to make a move when I opened the second can of beer. Tomorrow! Tomorrow I’d tell her!

But what should I do? Do I need to prepare anything? Roses? Wine? Chocolate? Book a restaurant?

Gulping half the can of beer down my throat, I walked across the living room and slumped onto the couch. Geez, I haven’t done this in years! As shameful as it sounded, I had to admit that confession was indeed baffling for me. Writing lyrics in one night was easier, if I had to say.

Then a bulb lit up. Maknae! Given the amount of confession he’d made in all these years, his extensive experience could be useful! I fished out the phone from my pocket, but it rang when my finger was still an inch from the screen.

“Hyun-ah, I’m outside your house, open up, I’ve…something for you.”

“Huh? Uh… A minute, Hyung.” He could have just rung the bell.  

Gesturing him to the couch, I asked, “Beer?” He shook his head. “No, I’m fine.” My instinct told me something was out of the place, but I couldn’t quite tell. I noticed the white envelope on his lap when I took the seat next to him. “Is that for me?” I pointed at the envelope. He pursed his lips, apprehension all over his gloomy face.

Then I knew what could be in the envelope. Judging from his expression, I think the result was obvious that I didn’t have to read whatever in the envelope to know. “Hyung, is that…” My voice trembled.

Abruptly, he turned to look at me, grabbing the envelope in his hand. “You know, you don’t have to go through this, let’s just forget about it.” I almost jumped in my seat. “No!” Sudden raise of my voice startled him, I lowered my voice to speak in a gentler way. “I want to know, I need to know.”

Not saying a word, my manager simply stared at me. He sighed and handed over the envelope. “Alright, it’s your choice.” He turned away as I opened the envelope, revealing the letter that impetuously changed my plan from earlier the night.

I stayed up all night. I wasn’t trying to sleep, neither did I could sleep. Images of her and Clarence would dance in my mind once I closed my eyes. Clarence. My heart clenched at the name. What happened to your mother? Your real mother. Why are you with Leena? How did she end up being your mother?

For the whole night, I asked myself question after question, but none of them was answered. I went to her neighbourhood when I was in the states for the photoshoot. But nobody seemed to remember her. She just vanished, like she never existed.

And there’s Leena. If Clarence wasn’t her son, why didn’t she say anything about it? She’s taking care of him like her own. My heart clenched even tighter at the thought.

Here came the hardest nut I had in my bowl, our mutual affection. To confess or not to confess? Both seemed wrong at this predicament. She’s different, I knew there probably wouldn’t be another girl that can pull me to her like she did. I feel grounded when I’m with her, I feel—home. I’m not doing this out of guilt or atonement.

I loved her, long before I knew Clarence’s my son.

The only reason holding me back was the consequence. What if she found out the truth? Should I come clear before it’s too late? How irony it was. I’m sure Seungri didn’t mean this consequence when he said it. I flinched as I thought of her reaction when the truth came to daylight to her. I can’t do that, she’d collapse.

I spent the following week tearing myself between which should come first—the genuine confession or the rue but unimpeachable truth.

I left my house at dawn and spent whole day in the studio, scrunching up in the corner, ruminate over the two options I had in my hands, again and again. I wouldn’t go home until after midnight. I wasn’t prepared to see her right now, I didn’t know what I’d do, what I’d say.

In the sixteenth hour of the fifth day I curled up on the couch in studio, Seungri couldn’t take it anymore. “Hyung!” He stood abruptly from the leather swivel chair. “I’ve been waiting for you to tell me what the hell was going on, but it doesn’t appear to me that you’d do it. It’s been five days! Five ing days! At least spill it out, let me know what’s in your head.” He sat beside me on the couch, arms crossed over his chest.

I rested my head wearily on my knees as I pulled them over my chest. “Just leave me alone.” He put an arm over my shoulder, his voice turned soft. “Hyung, don’t shut us out. You can’t keep everything with yourself. Remember what happened the last time you did this?”

For a moment, I was into my memories. It was my darkest time, spectre that I didn’t wish to dwell on. I shut everybody out and locked myself up in my house, doing nothing but drinking and sleeping, staring at the ceiling to be exact. I was utterly miserable.

Seungri’s right, I can’t fall back on the same road. Perhaps third part opinion could be very useful right now. And so I began telling him the truth. He clenched his fists as my ex-girlfriend was mentioned, his eyes went round when I told him Clarence’s actually my biological son. He stayed in silent, pursing his lips for what seemed like forever.

He needed time to take it all in, so I sank back on the couch. “Hyung, you like her, right? I mean, you really like her, you’re not going to treat her like a…fling, are you?” I jumped. “What? No! Who do you think I’m? I never had a fling, you know that.” He put his hands in the air. “Yeah, I know that, I just want to be sure.”

I arched a brow. “So? You’d better have a solution or I’d strangle you, I’m serious.” He played with his fingers, eyes not meeting mine. “I can’t tell you what to do, it’s between you and her.” Great! You threw a tantrum and asked me to open up, now you just throw it back to my face. “That’s very helpful, maknae.” I stood up and walked to the door. I’d had enough. Then he murmured something about “married” and “he’ll be your son anyway”. Grabbing the door handle, I turned and asked, “What did you say?”

He shook his head as if to shake the thought away. “I was just…” I looked at him with stern eyes, he gave in. “Okay. But you’ve to promise you’re not gonna do anything to hurt me.” “Physically and mentally,” he added as an afterthought. I frowned and leaned my back against the door. “I make no promises, but you’ve to tell if you still want that with you.” I pointed at his crotch. He rolled his eyes. “Fine, threaten your maknae any way you want, your face now doesn’t look like you can kill a cockroach.” He straightened himself on the couch. “I was saying, it’s obvious that you like her and she likes you the same, if you two could make it to marriage, Clarence will be your son. He’s your son now but, you can’t just storm into her house and tell her you’d ed the mother of her child right?”

I ran a hand through my hair and breathed in. “So… You’re saying I should be with her and keep that secret from her?” That doesn’t feel right. He stood up and walked towards me. “If I were you, Hyung? Yes. I’d never let her know. Something’s better kept secret.” He put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed a little, a knowing smile on his face. “But you’d never do that to her. It’s just not you.” I smiled feebly at his statement. Again, he’s right. I can’t tell I like her and at the same time lie in her face.

I sighed. “We’re back to square one now. You’re not helping.” “I don’t want to give you an excuse to blame it all on me when you mess everything up. So yeah, you’ve to figure it out. By. Yourself.” Before my hands reached to strangle him, he added with a smirk. “But you do feel better now, don’t you?” I couldn’t deny sharing the whole turmoil in my head had made the burden in my heart lighter. The head is right. “Just what am I going to do with you, maknae?”

Seungri sent me home later the night, after two cans of beer in the studio. Okay, three. But I drank all three, he didn’t get a drop. “I need to drive. I feel like I’m the hyung here and you’re the maknae.” He squealed as I knocked on her head. “Not everyone gets to be my driver, be proud of yourself.”

I sit on my bed, hands grabbed tightly on the sheet as thoughts run in my head. Seungri had his points. But I’d have to tell her the truth someday. Wait, someday? My eyes went wide with the word. Right, someday!

And so I came up with a solution that can have the best of both worlds. I’d tell her my feeling towards her, I’d prove to her that I love her and Clarence with my heart, that I’m not doing that out of guilt. After some time, when I had built an unbreakable bond with Clarence and her, I’d come clean and tell her about Clarence. This sounds like a plan, right? It sounded like a perfect plan to me.

Now that the cloud in my heart had been cleared, I fired a text to her. “Leena, are you asleep?”

END OF FLASHBACK

The phone buzzes in my hand, signalling a text has just come in. Hurriedly, I open the text. “Sorry, I don’t know how much you’re missing me. But I’m missing you. Goodnight, Oppa.”  I smile at the text, imagine the smirk she puts on her face as she types the words. I read it for hundreds times before my eyes get sore and I reluctantly put the phone on the bedside table and slip myself under the cover. Somehow I know I’d have sweet dreams tonight, because she’s all I think about when I drift to sleep.