SEUNGHYUN’S POV

“Hyung! She’s a grownup, she’ll be okay. You need to sleep.” I was shoved to the bed and someone threw the cover over me, pushing me back to the bed when I tried to stand up and go for the door.  “How can I sleep? She’s out there with a kid, nobody will be there to protect them. And you’re asking me to sleep?”

“It’s 2 in the morning for God’s sake, anyone sane would get themselves a shelter, how many times do I need to repeat this? She’s safe.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Leena doesn’t want to see you, that doesn’t mean she’d want to get herself injured or killed, okay? She’s running away from you, that’s it. She knows how to protect herself and her son.” His gaze stayed on my face. “You look like . Going by this rate you’ll collapse before we find her.”

“That’s very comforting.” I scoffed, rolling to the other side of the bed. “What I’m trying to say is—” “I know. Thanks, Jiyong-ah,” I murmured under the cover. We had spent more than half of our life together, more than needed to understand what the other was trying to say.

“I’ll bring you breakfast tomorrow, then we’ll…” he hesitated for a moment, “we’ll figure something out.” He didn’t know what to do, his hesitation had betrayed him. That’s very unlike him, he was usually the one with ideas, useful ideas, not stupid ideas like Seungri’s, Jiyong always knew the right thing to do. But he hesitated. I sighed.

I didn’t know how they did that, but I was glad he and Youngbae were discharged in secret, the last thing I wanted now was media reporters and fans waiting outside my house to get a picture or two of them. Had they not been here, I would have gone insane. They made sure I eat and sleep—I ate, little and I slept, less than little.

He exited and closed the door behind him softly. I knew the other three were outside the room, they were worried but they knew it’s better off let Jiyong deal with the grumpy eldest member.

Now that I was left alone in the room, I rolled on my back and stared at the ceiling. I had always liked silence, and the peace and calmness it brought so I can have my own space to do a little thinking, but I hated it now, because I knew the silence would have been filled with laughter, had I not ed everything up.

Even the air felt different without her presence, it was suffocating. Dragging myself up from the bed, I pushed open the sliding door and walked out to the balcony, I needed fresh air.

I was not that naïve to think this whole thing would be kept hidden forever, I knew she was going to know someday. But I had always thought I would be the one to tell her, I had always thought I would be there when she cried, because I knew she would.

As it turned out, nothing happened the way I wanted. I had expected her reaction to be rather extreme, but I thought I would be there with her. And I was wrong. I was not there to stop her when she left, I was not there to keep her in my arms. I was not given the chance to explain, I was not even there to tell her I was sorry. The guilt was eating me from the inside. Sometimes, even if you’d prepared for what’s coming, you’re never prepared for how it felt.

Ringing of phone echoed from the bedroom. I frowned, wondered who it could be but decided to ignore it. Probably one of the members, nobody else would call me at this hour. But they supposed I would be sleeping, so it can’t be them. Leena?

I rushed to get to the phone I left on the nightstand, almost tripping myself over the threshold. My finger hovered over the screen, ready to slide to answer the call, but it braked when I saw the call was from an unknown number. It stopped ringing.

I pondered if I should call back. Then it rang again. Something in my heart told me I should take it, so I did. “Uncle Man?” The voice asked dubiously from the other end. My eyes widened, no way in hell I would ever forget this voice.

“Clarence?!” A few seconds passed in silence then he whisper-yelled. “Yes, it’s me! Thank God I got your number right this time. I forgot the last two digits of your number so I had to guess, I had called more than twenty strangers before I got the right number.” I can imagine the pout on his face from just the voice, for the first time in the past three days, I smiled.

“Where are you now? Are you safe? Where is mommy? Let me talk to her.” His cheerful voice took an abrupt turn. “I don’t know where mommy is, she said she has to go away but she didn’t tell me where she’s going.”

My heart skipped a beat, Leena would never leave Clarence alone, even if it took her life. “She’s not with you? Where are you now?”

“I’m staying with Aunt Shinyoung, but I don’t know where this place is.”

“Who is…” Then I remembered, I met her once in a restaurant, back when Leena and I were not together, yet. That was an embarrassing encounter.

“Aunt doesn’t let me call you, so I’ve to wait until she sleeps. I missed you and mommy,” he said quietly. For some reason my heart felt warmed and it ached. How can these feelings co-exist? I blinked my eyes and a drop of tear fell and stained my shirt, I didn’t know tears were welling up in my eyes.

I took a deep breath to clear the cloud in my head. From the number shown, Clarence was calling from a landline in Seoul, but that was all I could get from the number. I needed more information.

“Clarence, you remember my number now, right?” “Yes, I’ll not forget it again.” I can see him nod his head anxiously over the phone. I was never good at technology but the invention of certain SNS was indeed useful to share locations with others. “Send me your location with Aunt Shinyoung’s phone tomorrow, do you know how to do it?” “Hmm… Like how mommy sent you locations when you asked where’re we?” I laughed, this kid was smart. “Yes, exactly. I’ll come get you tomorrow. Now you should go to bed, it’s late.”

“We can go home?”

“Yes, we can go home.”

“But mommy told me to stay with aunt and Minyoung.”

“We’ll find mommy, then we’ll go home together.”

“With mommy?”

“With mommy.”

My eyes were wide opened the entire night, I could not sleep if I wanted to. Checking the phone to look for new message every few minutes, while letting the guilt bite at me. Please be safe, Leena.

The first thing I did after I received the location from Clarence, I drove to Seungri’s place and barged right into his room, literally shaking him up from his slumber. The address was incomplete, I needed precise doorplate.

Despite groaning and unwillingness to leave his warm bed, he got up and made a few calls. Less than an hour later I was on my way to my son, gratitude to Seungri’s extensive real estate support network.

My forefinger hovered over the doorbell. Why is my hand shaking? Why am I so nervous? I inhaled deeply, held it in for few seconds before let it all out. Then I rang the doorbell, my legs shifted nervously.

The man opened up for me was a man I did not know. We stared at each other in surprise as nobody said a word. When I was about to apologize and excuse myself before calling the maknae to give him a piece of my mind for giving me the wrong address, someone behind the man caught my attention.

“Clarence, the handsome ajussi is here!” The little girl yelled over her shoulder, a big smile on her face. The man standing at the door was as awkward as me, his hand squeezing at the doorknob as if wondering should he let me in or just close the door right in my face.

Footsteps on the hardwood floor could be heard before another kid appeared behind the man. I crouched down, a smile crossed my face when he jumped into my arms, his little arms wrapped around my neck. “Uncle Man!”

“Hmm… So you know Clarence, please come in,” the man gave me an awkward smile and stepped aside to let me in when our gaze met again.

“What are they selling this time? Tell them we aren’t buying anything, why didn’t the guard block all the—” She was preparing the table for breakfast and her eyes grew wide when she saw the person she least expected standing in her living room. “What are you doing here?” Death glare was sent the man’s way. “Oppa, why did you let him in?”

The man who I assumed to be her husband, blinked in innocence. “Clarence seems to know him.”

Clarence’s arms around me were tightened when she approached and tried to take him away. She huffed in exasperation when the kid turned away, burying his head in the crook of my neck.

“Where’s Leena?”

“I don’t know.”

“Where’s she?” I demanded again.

“I said I don’t know.” I was taller than her by almost half a foot but the disadvantage in height did not intimidate her as she glared at me, voiced raised. 

“Yeobo,” the man whispered and both of us turned our attention to him. He eyed the kids. “Not here.”

We settled down at the dining table, her husband brought the kids out for donuts. Clarence’s hands grabbing at my shirt were so tight that it made my heart ache. He did not let go of me until I assured him I would still be here when he came back.

I opened my mouth but she stopped me before I could say anything. “Save it, I won’t tell you anything.” “I just want to make sure she’s safe.” I tried to reason.

“Safe? She’s safe when she’s not with you.”

“So you know where she is.”

“I…” She stared at me with shocked eyes, lost for words.

I leaned closer. “Please, I need to find her, I owe her an explanation.” She scoffed, leaning backwards on the back of the chair and crossing her arms over her chest. “You owe her more than that.”

I hung my head low. She was right.

“Mr. Choi, I liked you, I liked your group, but I didn’t like you enough to let you hurt my best friend again. Do you have any idea what you’ve done to her? I’ve known her like forever but I’ve never seen her cry like that, I’ve never seen anyone cry like that.” Her voice raised with each sentence, her utterance more rapid and her eyes got increasingly full with anger.

She knew. I did not have to ask how much she knew. She knew what a scumbag I am.

She carded a hand through her dark brown hair. “Listen, I don’t care how you know Clarence is here, but Leena left him with me, so it’s my responsibility to look after him until she gets back.”

“But he’s my—” I stopped and words died in my throat, hesitated if I should just tell her. But it was not necessary as she interrupted impatiently. “But he’s your son, and that makes you have every right to bring him with you. Is that what you want to say?” She glared at me, her eyes challenging, as if daring me to deny what she had just thrown at me.

“I know I’ve hurt her. You can scold me all you want, but please, tell me where she is, so she can lash it all out on me, I deserve it. Just… don’t leave me…” I choked back a sob, elbows rested on the table, head buried in hands. “I’m trying to make things right, but now I can’t even talk to her, she’s not answering my calls. I don’t know what else I can do.”

“Not only yours, she doesn’t answer anyone’s.” Her tone was flat, when I looked over at her, the anger was gone, replaced with sadness and worry. Then she shook her head, as if refused to show her tender side, and looked at me with a straight face, although I was able to spot a hint of worry in her eyes. “But don’t worry, she calls me once or twice a day to check on her kid. She’s fine, all things considered.”

No, she’s not fine! I screamed in my head. She’s too good at putting up a mask and hiding behind it. Jaw clenched, I gripped the edge of the seat until my knuckles turned white.

“She usually calls around dinner.” I lifted my head to meet her eyes, hoping I was getting the meaning behind her words right. “I don’t think she’d want to talk to you, but you can at least try.”

Since I walked into this apartment, I felt like she was going to rip me into two and eat me alive, I understood because I had done that thousands of times on my mind. Despite her harsh words which I knew I deserve, she was just being protective of her friend. She meant well. “Thank you.” I regarded her with grateful eyes.

Shinyoung said Leena sometimes would call before noon, although she usually did not. I decided to stay nevertheless. I had been waiting for days and I would not want to miss the chance to speak to her.

Clarence had been yawning since he got back from his breakfast. Shinyoung gave me the task of tucking him in, she said something about my eyes terrifying her along the line before she pushed me into the guest room with Clarence and promised she would let us know when Leena called.

I had experience with kids, I had been babysitting my nephew for quite a few times but I had never slept with a kid in the same bed. The closest thing to this was my nephew sleeping on my stomach on a couch.

Anyway, I realised I was being nervous over nothing, for Clarence climbed onto the bed, stretching his limbs while struggling to get under the cover, his plump lips opened to yawn. He did not get much sleep last night, he was in no better condition than me.

I sat down on another side of the bed, flipped open the cover so that he can settle comfortably on the bed before pulled it over both of us. My heart raced wildly in my chest as I noticed one thing; it was my first time sleeping beside my own son.

I huffed a laugh, never once before had I anticipated this, nor had I expected myself to be this nervous. When I looked down at the small figure, he was looking back at me with his big round eyes. I raised an eyebrow. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I used to sleep alone, mommy said I ain’t a kid no more.” My shoulders slumped. Great, now my kid is going to kick me out, so much for my first time. “But I feel lonely, I miss mommy.” His voice dropped to whisper as he played with his fingers.

“Yeah, I miss her too.” I whispered in the same low voice, if not lower, a hand gently brushing through his frizzy hair, wondering who he got the cute hair from. Definitely his mother, mine was never curly, let alone this frizzy.

Probably aware of the despondency in my voice, he wrapped his fingers around the forefinger of my hand which I rested on the blanket over him. “But mommy will come back, she promised. And when she comes back she won’t be sad anymore.”

I smiled bitterly, because it was the only thing I can do now. “She told you that?” He nodded eagerly, but his eyelids threatening to close as he fought to make them stay open.

“Look at you, mommy wouldn’t like you staying up late, now sleep, you can hear mommy’s voice when you wake up.”

“You aren’t leaving, are you?” He murmured, eyes already closed, his hand still holding onto mine. I pulled the cover closer, can’t help but letting out a faint smile. “I’m not leaving, I’ll be right here.” He hummed.

I slid down beside him and he naturally snuggled closer as if he had done this countless times. His presence made me feel at ease, his hot breaths against my chest felt like lullaby. My eyelids felt heavy and I gave way to sleepiness.

“Uncle Man?”

“Hmm?”

“Aunt Shinyoung said you make mommy sad, is that true?”

My eyes flew open at the question, my hand on his back stopped drawing soothing circles, my mouth gaped but not a word came out. I was at lost for words. Was that true? Yes, that was true. But how was I supposed to explain how much of a disaster I had caused to a kid?

I was careful at the choice of words. I didn’t want to lie again, but I had to choose my words wise. If I wanted to regain her trust, I might as well start with him. “I’ve done something terribly wrong and made her sad.”

Silence. So I continued. “I was stupid. I love both of you so much, so much that I want to keep you with me forever, so much that I was being selfish and I thought hiding from her was protecting her. I was so wrong.” I let out a sigh before continued. “Is it too late to apologize and ask for forgiveness?”

Nothing came from him. So he thinks I’m a jerk too. I tilted my head to take a look at the petite figure who practically clinging onto me, only to find out he was sleeping peacefully, his nose scrunched involuntary for a second as he stirred a little before a smile crossed his face. I brushed my thumb over his cheek. Are you having a sweet dream? Is she in your dream?

I wished I could dream of her, in fact I used to, a lot, and those dreams were all so loving and eudemonic that I did not want to wake up. But not since she was gone. Part of the reason was I barely slept, another part was it was always the same thing I dreamed of—her clutching at my collar, tears rolling down her cheeks as she asked me why I did that to her, was everything a plan to get to my son, and then she turned and left, I tried to chase after her but my legs wouldn’t move. And I would wake up, whole body covered in cold sweat.

The more I had that dream, the more I was scared that the dream might come true.

LEENA’S POV

I can’t believe I was here, standing by the jetty at which parked the boats leading to one of my sweetest memories. Memories with him. He brought me here last time. Fate must be having fun at playing with me. Of all the places I could have gone to, I boarded the bus which brought me here once again to this place. I didn’t notice where exactly this place was the first day I arrived, I had too much on my mind that I couldn’t care less about the scenery and view, regardless how breathtaking it was.

It was until the morning of the second day, when I walked down the street from the homestay after taking advice from the owner of the homestay about paying the beach a visit, I saw it from distance. It was a jetty for small-scale fishermen in the village. The last time he brought me here, I thought he was dragging me on a fishing trip.

And memory came flashing back. We were so happy back then, his laughter, his smile, the way he looked at me as if I meant the world to him. Everything was so real, it felt so real even now. How could it be nothing but a blatant lie?

I closed my eyes shut, as if doing so can shut out all those memories. I could feel the wind blowing harshly across my face, and I could smell the salt water in the air, I could even taste it on my lips. Or was it my own tears? I couldn’t tell anymore.

The beach beside the jetty became my favourite place in that small town, but I had never been to the jetty since that morning. It seemed to possess the power of intensifying all the feelings I was carrying and bringing out all the feelings I was trying to hide. I needed more time for it. If thing turned out the way I wanted it to, I would come to the jetty again before going back to Seoul, to my real life. And I would put everything behind me.

If I was not at the beach, I spent most of the time in the small room tucked away on the second floor of the house, where I slept on futon instead of on a bed. It was small, but it was cozy and warm. The place was owned by an ajumma whose husband was a fisherman. They could get noisy sometimes, especially over meals where they would bicker over the smallest of matters, but they were nice and earnest.

“Broke up with your boy?” she asked me when I was nursing a cup of coffee in my hands. It was here an hour ago, and it was still here, untouched. I looked up from the black liquid, gave her a faint smile but I said nothing.

She poured a cup of coffee and brought it over, placing it beside the one I was staring at, before taking the cold coffee in her hand and sitting down across from me. “Boys are stupid. I’ve married my man for over thirty years now, and it always amazes me that he’s able to find something to annoy me after all these years.” I smiled, more genuinely this time.

“He has someone else?” It took me a while to register the question before I shook my head. “Is he aggressive?” she asked again and I gave her the same response, a small smile crept on my face. He’s anything but aggressive.

“Then what has the stupid boy done to make you run away to this isolated place?”

He lied to me. He was the father to my friend’s son. He could have told me when I talked about Cordy, I would have understood. But he did not, he chose to lie in my face and I would never know the truth had I not found out myself. I blinked away the tears accumulated in my eyes. “He lied. I would have understood if he just told me.”

“He must be a dumb to lie to a pretty lady.” I stared down at the cup, grips around it tightened as I bit down on my lips to keep the tears from breaching through.

“They’re so egotistical, they think they’re doing the right thing but in fact it’s hurting the people around them. In fact they’re just kids, lie because scared of losing you. Like I said, guys are stupid.” She shrugged her shoulders, stood up to get herself a cup of coffee before coming back to her seat.

They lie because they’re scared of losing you? I mulled the words, it was something I had never given a thought of.

“Did he feel sorry?”

Did he? I didn’t know. Were dozens of missed calls and almost a hundred of unread messages enough to prove he was sorry?

I was not sure if it was a whim of heart or my brain did process the words before I let it out. “He did, I guess.” I whispered, not intended to reach her but it was more like talking to myself.

“Is the lie so unforgiveable that you’ll rather let it write off everything between you two?” My eyebrows knitted closer together as I contemplated her words. Tears fell down and this time I let them.

“Oh my, I’ve talked too much. But my girl, if you asked me, I’d say give him a chance if you think he’s worth it.” She gave a squeeze on my shoulder before she left to serve customers at another table.

Love isn’t all rainbows and unicorns, it’s how you fight for each other even after you fought, I thought.

Could this be another little fight between us? A bump on the road of life? It could be, with all my heart I hoped it was just another fight, like the ones we had about how much ice-cream Clarence can have, had my heart not felt like it had been torn into pieces.

But the way the ajumma said it as if it was not as big of a deal as I perceived it to be. Perhaps I was just reading a bit too much into this? Was I overreacting?

I was walking down the beach barefoot, I stood on the water’s edge, feeling the wet sand under my feet and the lapping of water around my ankles. Looking up at the sky, I smiled at the numerous stars hanging high up and twinkling and blinking, as if smiling back at me. Stars were the brightest in the coolest times, how irony.

My hair fluttering in the air, boats at the jetty swayed back and forth in the dim light. Wind was getting stronger, but I wanted to stay here for just a little longer. It's summer but the wind at nights had been excruciatingly cold. I tucked the ends of the scarf around my neck into my sweater jacket and zipped it all the way up to my neck. I should have put on one more layer, it was stupid to come out here with just a jacket and a shirt.

I couldn’t help but shivering slightly as I wrapped my arms around myself. The rushing sound of wind beside my ears somehow made me feel calm, it seemed to silence the screaming in my head.

“Leena.”

I stood frozen, wondering was I hearing things. Then the voice calling out my name came again, louder and nearer this time. I turned around to look for the source. Someone was approaching from another end of the beach, but it was too dark to tell who it was.