LEENA’S POV

Walking down the beach barefoot, I stood on the water’s edge, feeling the wet sand under my feet and the lapping of water around my ankles. Looking up at the sky, I smiled at the numerous stars hanging high up and twinkling and blinking, as if smiling back at me. Stars were the brightest in the coolest times, how irony.

My hair fluttering in the air, boats at the jetty swayed back and forth in the dim light. Wind was getting stronger, but I wanted to stay here for just a little longer. It's summer but the wind at nights had been excruciatingly cold. I tucked the ends of the scarf around my neck into my sweater jacket and zipped it all the way up to my neck. I should have put on one more layer, it was stupid to come out here with just a jacket and a shirt.

I couldn’t help but shivering slightly as I wrapped my arms around myself. The rushing sound of wind beside my ears somehow made me feel calm, it seemed to silence the screaming in my head.

Not for long though, soon it all came back.

The two pink lines.

The two stupid lines.

For the whole evening I had been sitting on the floor in the bathroom, staring at the pregnancy stick, unsure whether I should laugh or cry. Had it been any other time, I would be so happy I would even dance around. It was a whole different situation, given our messed up relationship, I wasn’t even sure was there any relationship still.

I didn’t pay much attention to my missed periods, yes it had been more than two months but my menstrual cycle hadn’t been regular, I supposed it was just hormonal imbalance, which I had ample experience since my young age, depression took a toll on you and worst of all, it never really left.

Nausea in the mornings didn’t strike me as a symptom either. Panic struck me when Ajumma asked me was it morning sickness.

So I did the test. And I regret doing so.

I wasn’t prepared for this, at least not now.

You’ve a baby with him.

I didn’t know!

How can you do this to your friend?

I don’t mean it!

He turned his back on her and now you’re having a baby with this bastard?

Stop it! Please!

Just because of that pretty face and his deep pocket, and he gave you everything in bed? You !

Please, stop it, stop…

The voice kept ringing in my ears, drilling holes in my head. I crouched down, hands clasping ears, begging the voice to stop, but it never did, instead its volume grew as if piercing through me.

Get it out of me!

Something in front of my eyes flared a spark of hope. It’s silent in the water, right? It can’t talk to me once I’m in the water, can it? All I have to do is walk into it, walk into the embrace of calming water.

So I did just that. Step by step I walked towards the inviting waves. Everything is going to end soon, I whispered to myself, a smile on my face, anticipating the burden to be lifted off my shoulder.

The water was knee high now. It felt so warm, despite the bone piercing chilly wind roaring beside my ears. Few more struggling steps and it reached my waist level.

Few more steps and then it will be ended, once and for all.

“Leena.”

I stood frozen, it was another voice, it was different from the malicious screaming. It was soft, affable and sympathetic. I felt it familiar but I couldn’t quite put a name to it. Then the voice calling out my name again, louder and nearer this time. I turned around to look for the source. Someone was approaching from another end of the beach, but it was too dark to tell who it was.

I squinted my eyes to get a better look at the approaching figure. Then I saw her. But it can’t be true, this had to be a dream.

“Cordy?”

Dressed in white long dress, she was beautiful and glowing, like an angel. The howling wind died down to a whisper of gentle breeze as she stood beside me, waist deep in water, sending a smile that warmed my heart. “Leena, it’s been a long time.” The smile never left her face, her eyes were sparkling like they always were, just the exact same way they were when she was alive.

“Cordy, I…” I choked on my tears. She cupped my face with a hand and wiped away the tears, and her hand stayed there. “You’re a mom now, a real mom.”

She knew.

She must be so mad at me and she had every reason to. He left her at her lowest and I was dating her ex-boyfriend after she died. We were the two persons she hated the most. And now I was pregnant with his child. “I’m sorry, I—”

“Don’t be, my dear.” I looked up at her, confused. Warmth radiated from her palm to my face. “I was always worried that my son would be a burden to you. You’re so young and you deserve a better life. I’m glad that he found you, that he fell in love with you. Now you’ll have something truly belong to you two, I’m happy for you.” Her voice was so soft and light, almost a whisper.

All I was able to do was stare at her in disbelief. “You aren’t mad at me?”

“Why would I be?”

“He left you, he left you and Clarence. I’ll never forget how you suffered from the…” Tears got in the way and I was unable to continue.

She shushed me and stepped forward, wrapping her arms around me and I rested my head on her shoulder, hands clutching the fabric of her dress so tight as if I was afraid she might vanish once I let go. “He didn’t know, about the cancer and Clarence, he didn’t know. I tried to contact him when I found out about my little angel, it’s not his fault that I can’t reach him, I guess it’s his agency or something.”

She pulled away, her hands on my shoulder. “But when I was diagnosed with the cancer, I figured it’s better that way, to keep everything from him.” She smiled bitterly. “I wouldn’t want to let him see how terrible I looked.”

“You never looked terrible.” I retorted between sobs, drawing off a laugh from her. “You’re an angel.”

I knew it was just a dream, a dream I did not want to wake up from. My hands clutched tighter on the smooth fabric of her dress. “I missed you.”

“And he misses you.” Those words came out of so soft and smooth, like she was telling a fact that was not to be mistaken, and it made me want to believe her. I almost did.

Then I remembered what he had done. I shook my head as more tears rose in my eyes. “He doesn’t. He could have told me, he could have said something, but he didn’t.”

Her smile grew wider, as if I had just said something amusing. “When we love something or someone, we want to protect them, sometimes in the stupidest way.” More tears rolling down my cheeks and I shook my head. “I don’t understand.”

“It was lonely and horrible, to fight the disease alone. I’d always wished he could be there, holding my hand and telling me I would be all right. It doesn’t matter if it’s just a lie. But if you let me choose again, I’d still keep it from him, I wish he’d never know about this.”

I stared at her as the meaning of her words registered.

“Do you understand now? He was trying to protect you, to shelter you from the storm he knew you’d create for yourself. He knows you too well.” She took my hands in hers and lightly squeezed them.

My eyes fixed on our hands as the realisation sank in before I lifted my head to meet her ever tender eyes. I tried to say something but waves of emotions were surging in my chest.

“You should go back.”

“To where?” I had nowhere to go.

“To him.” She smiled, a hand moved to rest on my flat stomach, as if she could feel the little creature.

I woke up in my bedroom, eyes searching frantically for her. Sunlight poured through the thin curtain, it was morning.

How did I get back from the beach last night? Or was it a dream? Did I ever go to the beach? How much of it was a dream and how much of it reality?

It was a dream, as much as I hated to admit it. It might appear stupid to take a dream seriously but I couldn’t stop thinking about the meaning of it. Her words kept ringing in my ear. There was something I couldn’t quite grasp, he lied to me because he wanted to protect me? Wasn’t it too contrary?

Then I thought about the ajumma. “Guys are stupid,” she said.

“Agassi, you’re back, dinner is almost ready.” Ajumma said over her shoulder before turning back to the stove, stirring something in the pot. “You spend so much time on the beach but you never stayed for sunset. What a shame, our sunset here is perfect.”

“I’m hungry, and your cooking is so good I don’t mind skipping the perfect sunset for it.”

Sunset was a big no. I can’t look at it without thinking of him, and I can’t think of him without my heart ache and my breath hitch. We had shared so many sunsets together, so many memories of us occupied with it.

My mouth gaped open at the plates served on the table. I was the only customer staying in, which was why she insisted I should eat with her and her husband. “I’m going to cook anyway,” she said.

I stared blankly at the table. “Three of us can’t finish this.”

“A couple checked in this morning, they’re coming down in a minute. The more the merrier, you start to like surrounded by young people when you get old.” She took a seat beside me, scooping five bowls of rice before distributing them around the table.

“It’s just a tactic to get public’s attention,” a male’s voice spoke from the stairs before a couple came walking down and took the seats on my other side, the girl sat right beside me while she argued with her boyfriend. “It’s based on his true story, it’s all over his fans forum.”

“Fans have crazy imagination. Remember when you told me he was with G-Dragon? That’s the biggest joke I had ever heard.”

The girl opened , intending to defend whatever it was about G-Dragon, but at last she huffed a sigh. “Just…listen to the song.” She pressed a few buttons on her phone before putting it on the table. “Wait, we need a judge.” Then she turned to me and held my hand, startling me. “Eonni, listen to this song and tell me what you think about it.”

I nodded absentmindedly, not really understood what a judge she wanted me to be, mind still whirled a little by the mention of G-Dragon. Good, now even s reminded me of him. She pressed once more and music came flowing out. I could have sworn my heartbeat stopped at the first notes of the song.

His song. The one song I asked him about.

I didn’t have to listen to it, I had the lyrics memorized in the back of my head.

“How’s it? How can anybody write a song like this if he never experienced it?” She stared at me expectantly once the song ended.

Her boyfriend argued. “A very talented writer can do that. I’ll give him that, he’s talented, but that doesn’t mean it’s really dedicated for his ex-girlfriend like the lyrics suggested.”

She side-eyed him, “I never doubted his talent,” before giving her full attention to me. “But it’s different when it’s something true from the heart, you just have to feel it. You can feel it too, right Eonni?”

I simply stared at her, didn’t know what to respond. “Yeah, it… it sounded sincere.” I was telling the truth, I could feel it since the first time I listened to the song.

“No phones on the table, it’s dinner time.” Ajumma reprimanded with faked annoyance, bringing another dish over. She glanced at the front door when her husband marched in, murmuring something about him showing up when it’s time for meals but was never in sight when she needed someone to clean the rooms.

I picked up a pair of chopsticks, stuffing rice into my mouth although I was not hungry at all, the girl’s words echoing in my ears. You just have to feel it. 

I remembered crying over the song, that was when we started to get to know each other and I had not known about his relationship with Cordy. I remembered how regretful I was for asking him was it true that the song was for his girlfriend, and how he broke down in front of me. That was real.

By the time we somehow were able to miraculously finish off the dishes, I came to a conclusion. Maybe he’s not a jerk after all. I was surprised by myself. Where did I get that idea from?

No, he’s still a jerk.

Okay, maybe not a total spiteful jerk, but still...

When I boarded the bus which I did not even know where it would bring me, not once had the thought of me forgiving him crossed my mind. I wanted to distance myself from him, to stay out of his reach so he couldn’t tell me more lies or make excuses. It was the end of us, I was so sure, but he was not only my lover, he was Clarence’s father as well and there was nothing I can do to change that.

I had even made up my mind on my way to this town, that when I finally had the courage to go back to Seoul, we would be just friends and we would wait few years until Clarence’s older and could understand when we tell him about his Uncle Man being his father. And then we would see how it goes from there.

But the days spent here made my heart waver, even more after the several encounters I had had in this town. My rational brain told me one thing and my heart told me otherwise.

“It’s about time to give your boyfriend a call.” Ajumma looked up from the newspaper in her hands when I walked past the service counter she was sitting at, cell phone pressed against my ear, her eyebrows raised and her voice excited. “That’s not it, it’s just my boy.” I denied, wearing a wide smile on my blushing face.

Wait, why was I even blushing?

“Don’t make it easy for him though, make sure he pay for what he did.” She suggested jokingly as I exited the door and walked into the winter night.

I silently prayed Clarence had not gone to bed as I walked along the dimly lit street. It was way past the usual time I called to check on him, I was too caught up in my own thoughts to realise it was hours gone.

It rang three times before someone answered.

SEUNGHYUN’S POV

She did not call at noon, nor did she after dinner. I started to wonder was she aware of my presence in Shinyoung’s apartment and intentionally avoided any kind of interaction with me. Hell, she possibly despised hearing my name.

“Tell me another story!” he bounced on the bed before perched in my lap, begging me with his puppy eyes. “Aren’t you tired? You’ve been so hyperactive.” “Not at all, I’ve had—”

A soft knock on the door before Shinyoung made her entrance, a phone pressed to her ear while holding up a finger to her lips, gesturing us to keep quiet as she spoke on the phone, “He’d had enough sleep, I don’t think that’ll be a problem for him to stay up all night. Okay I’ll let him talk to you.” 

“There you go little pumpkin.” She passed the phone to the eager Clarence and mouthed “Good luck,” to me before closing the door, leaving me and my son in the room, and Leena over the phone, who I was uncertain how she would respond to my presence beside her son, if she had not known it already.

Frantically, I pointed to myself and shook my head while making a big cross with my hands, hoping that would be enough to let the kid know not to mention anything about me, especially about me being here. It was safer this way, right?

He was talking about what he had for dinner, without bringing up the extra guest in the house, so that was good, my kid was smart. I snuggled closer to him, ear almost touching the phone held up in his little hand. A relieved smile crossed my face when her faint voice passed through the phone. She was so excited about the full moon and the stars surrounding it, she said the view in city was nothing compared to that. She complained about the chilly wind though.

She did not sound as upset as I had expected, but that did not really mean anything, she was good at pretending to be strong, she had been doing it for so long. Besides, she wouldn’t want to worry her son.

“When are you coming back? I wanna go home.”

Inwardly cursing myself for not just put her on speaker, I strained my ear to listen closer to the answer but nothing came across, it was just silence. “Mommy?” he asked again.

Seconds were filled with silence but it felt like years. Eventually she whispered, “Soon,” before she added, “I promise.”

The atmosphere had taken an abrupt turn as neither of them spoke, Clarence’s eyes boring at the bedsheet as if anticipating a specific date from his mother, all the while Leena stayed in silence, until I heard sobbing from the other end which I surmised to be Leena biting back her tears, her breath jagged when she asked, “Honey, d-do you… d-do you want a-a daddy?”

That question almost sent me jump to the ceiling and more questions popped up in my head.

Why is she asking this, now of any other day? Is she planning to bring Clarence with her and build a new family? With another man? Does she really hate me that much to just erase everything between us? To disaffirm me as someone she is in relationship with? Not to mention as Clarence’s father.

Her question puzzled Clarence as much as it did to me, it was obvious from his perplexed look. “You told me I don’t need a daddy because I have you.”

I bit my inner cheek as my hands fisted the bed sheet underneath, I felt like shooting myself, I felt like . Yes, I didn’t know his existence until months ago, but ignorance didn’t justify my mistakes. Had I dug deeper, tried harder on looking for Cordy, I might have found out earlier, I might have a chance to stay by her in her last days, I couldn’t do much, yes, but at least I wouldn’t let her be alone.

As if that wasn’t coward enough, I chickened out when I should have told them the truth. I pretended as if I had nothing to do with their miserable life, as if I weren’t the one putting the responsibility of raising my child on Leena’s shoulder. And I walked into their life like the knight in shining armour. What a bastard.

“Would you like Seung… Uncle Man to be your daddy?”

Just shoot me to the space, the earth seemed too far away anyway.

But I had to be honest, I was kind of anticipating as I looked over at the kid, as he tilted his head questioningly, seemed to be thinking real hard at the question, but only for a brief moment. He bounced and sat up on his knees, looking at me expectantly. “Would you like to be my daddy, Uncle Man?”

, yes! This is the long awaited moment.

I wanted to scream “Yes!” and scoop him up in my arms but the word was stuck in my throat and neither of my hands can move. So I just sat there, stared with widened eyes at the pair looking back at me with what I swore it was happiness glistening in them. He pouted helplessly and said to the phone, “Mommy, he’s hanged again.”

“W-what? Who is? Who’s with you now, honey?”

He yawned, staying up all night had finally taken a toll on his tiny body. “He’s cool and funny, I’d like him to be my daddy. Can you ask him for me? I’m sleepy.” He let out an audible yawn before handing me the phone and throwing himself on the pile of pillows.

“Ask w-who? Is he there? No, no, don’t, I’m not ready to talk to him yet.” She was on the verge of going hysterical as I looked down at the phone, gulping the lump in my throat before finally pushed it against my ear.

I whispered a nervous, “L-Leena?” my hand clutched tightly on the phone, I didn’t realize I was holding my breath while waiting for her response, if she’d respond at all. Please don’t hang up.

There was nothing but her increasingly laboured breaths, but I couldn’t be more grateful. At least she didn’t hang up, or shout expletives at me. That meant I had a shot, didn’t it?

“How are you?” Stupid question, I know, but that’s the most important for me now, nothing matters more than her well being.

Rhythmic tapping sounded like footsteps on concrete can be heard over the phone, was she walking on the street or something? “I-I I’m good.” She didn’t sound convinced with her own answer at all.

“Where are you? I’ll come get you now.”

“No, don’t. I…”

“I know, I’m a jerk, I was being selfish. You’ve been so wonderful to me and I messed up everything. But I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you. You’ve every right to hate me, but please, do it with me by your side, come back, let me explain, let me see you.”

Clarence squirmed and turned under the cover. Reproaching myself for not bringing this conversation to somewhere else earlier, I retreated from the room and walked down the hallway to the living room in which now engulfed in darkness, the others must be sleeping by this time.

“Give me some time, that’s all I ask. I’ll come back when I’m ready.” Her voice was tired, as though pulling out the sentence had drained all her energy.

I stood by the full height window, something about her words sent a shiver of uneasiness down my spine. “When you’re ready to do what?” My eyebrows knitted together, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get the answer.

“It’s not what you think it is,” she rushed to answer. “I’ve been thinking all these days, fresh air here really helped clear my mind. I’ve come to realise that perhaps I was too headstrong before, I didn’t consider this whole thing from your angle. Now that I think of it, I might have done the same if I were you.”

My palm pressed against the window glass, I needed time to wrap my head around what I had just been told. That, wasn’t what I had been expecting. If I were being honest, that was the last thing I would imagine her saying. Yes, I had my reasons for doing what I did but none of them was solid enough to justify my actions.

My breath formed mist on the window glass, just as the mist formed in my eyes. “Leena,” was the only word I managed to squeeze out of my mouth.

“I’ve a question though, promise you’re gonna answer it honestly?”

“Yes, of course, no more lies.” I answered without hesitation, because I didn’t need to.

“What makes you think you should keep me in the dark?” It was a heavy question, but she didn’t sound like it. Her voice was light but caring, as if it was purely out of curiosity and with no intention to put blame.

I turned and lay my back against the window, unconstructed words and pieces of thoughts running on my mind. There was so much I wanted to tell her, but when she asked me, I could come up with nothing, words just died on the tip of my tongue.

“I was scared of losing you,” I let out a heavy sigh, finally admitted my deepest fear. “I wasn’t there when she needed me the most, I was supposed to be her shelter. I failed her, I don’t want to fail you as well, I want to protect you.” Running a hand over my face, surprised to feel tears I didn’t know had rolled down on it. “But I guess I screwed up too, just like I screwed up everything else.” I slid down onto the floor, pulling my knees up to my chest, feeling worn out.

Utter silence from the other side, even her footsteps had stopped.

“You didn’t screw up everything,” she spoke softly through the phone. More tears made their way down my cheeks as I felt my heart clenched tighter with every word she spoke.

“Hey,” a surprised yell came across, sending me sit upright like an alarmed animal. “What’s it? You alright?”

She chuckled. “Ah, it’s just a kitten running out from an alley, that’s all.” My shoulders slumped in relief. “You just scared the hell out of me,” I tried to joke.

“Sorry,” she giggles, and my breath hitched. It was now that it dawned to me how much I missed her laughter.

“It’s really cute.” I can imagine her brush and tickle the kitten and how it submitted under her touch. “Kitty, what’s your name?” I assumed she was talking to the cat, as much as I liked pet names, kitty was never on my wish list. “It has a collar with it, I don’t see anyone nearby though. Do you think it’s lost its way?” I laughed, for the first time in days, I laughed from my heart. “It has a collar meaning it has an owner, don’t steal.”

“I’m not stealing it, I’ll just wait around until its owner shows up.” She whined and I was smiling ear to ear. For a moment it felt like we had gone back to the days before the cat was out of the bag, everything was so perfect. Maybe, maybe we could have more of those days in the future.

“What if the owner never came back?”

“Hmm… I’ll have to take it under my shelter then.”

“You can’t spread your love that thin, think about me.”

Now both of us were laughing. I wished this moment could stay.

“Seunghyun-ah, there’s something you need to know.”

“I’m all ears.”

She stuttered. “W-we hmm… We used protection every time so I don’t know how it could happen. I’ve—”

When I was no clue about where she was going with the protection stuff, but she was cut off abruptly and split seconds later I heard a loud yelp through the phone.

“Hey! Don’t go there, come back here!” My stomach jumped to my throat at the quick footsteps from the other end and she was not answering to my questions.

“Leena? What’s going on?”

“Kitty rushed to the middle of the road, it’s safe now.” I shook my head and smiled wearily, succumbed to the possibility that perhaps it was the doing of God to punish me, to make me acknowledge the fact that I can’t lose her.

“I wanted to tell you—”

I straightened my back, paying more attention than ever, but her words never came. Instead I heard horn blasting and tires screeching before a succession of cacophonies which led me to believe that her phone had been thrown or even smashed, but still functional because moments later, over the phone, I could hear someone yelling, “Oh my god, Miss, are you alright? !”

I sat on the floor, my knuckles white clutching tightly on the phone as my blood went cold, my other hand shaking.