Username  
snowflake16
Profile link  
http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/722943
Story Title  
Everlasting Impressions

 

 

 ~ Reviewed by monkeyCsaw ~

 

first impression: (9/15)
-title: 5/5

Nice title, I like it. Succinct and intriguing.
-description + foreword: 4/10 Okay, firstly your foreword is too long and this is where you lost a majority of the points. You don't need to try so hard to sell the story. Let the description do that itself. If your story is any good, it'll get tons of readers. If not, then that just means there's room for improvement. You're not a salesman, you're a writer. Trust your work.   Now, your description could use a lot of work but has a very solid foundation to work off of. I'm feeling energetic so I'm going to edit some lines specifically for you. It's up to you if you want to use this or not.   "High school brings all kinds of impressions, and with impressions; come impressionable people." Okay, the comma and semi-colon are not needed. Other than that this is a pretty strong opening, original and thought provoking.   "The Oh siblings are the perfect pair of DNA. As students they're remarkable, and in terms of appearance they are second to none." This line is somewhat abrupt. It needs a transition. You go from impressions to the Oh siblings in the blink of an  eye. Here's my suggestion: "...impressionable people. The Oh siblings are the opposite of impressionable and the king and queen of impressions. They are the perfect pair of DNA; remarkable students and second to none in the looks department." This gives it a little more of a transition and makes it slightly less abrupt.   "However, every student had problems of their own and for the Oh siblings; their troubles are both remarkable and second to none" Get rid of that semicolon! If you're going to use semi-colons, know how to use them correctly. Replace it with a comma. Consult with an english teacher or someone whose native tongue is English, they'll help you learn the finer points of semi-colon use. If all else fails, Google is reliable as well. Semi-colons are tricky even for native English users to learn so don't feel bad. It comes with time. Moving on, this line starts out strong but the ending needs refining. Don't reuse "remarkable" and "second to none"; it's cheesy and lacks originality. Try something like, "...their troubles are otherworldly, to say the least. Paired with complicated pasts and buried fears, the siblings have had their fair share of hard times." This hints at the supernatural elements, kind of introduces it a little.    "When Kim Hana looks through the looking glass, her steady flow of life turns turbulent. Now, with turbulence on the horizon, coins are flipped and games are played.The biggest game, being the game of life, is brought to the table." Okay, this is good. Again, just needs a little fine tuning and I think Kim Hana needs a little more of an intro/description. So maybe: "When Kim Hana, average in all respects, looks through the looking glass, her life's steady flow turns turbulent. Now, with an unsure future and unforeseen danger on the horizon, coins are flipped and games are being played with her once quiet life. The biggest game of all, the game of life, is being brought to the table, and the question is: is she ready to play? Slightly more dramatic, a little more descriptive.   "A mysterious new player and a not-so-mysterious player join the game of everlasting impressions. The condition is set as winner takes all." I feel like you're deviating from the story at this point. There are a million players in the game you're weaving. The ghosts, the mysterio