Username 
Anastasiaeka
Profile link 
http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/242595
Story Title 
Incompletion

 

 

 

~ Reviewed by HeavenWard and Joongdok ~

HeavenWard's Review

FIRST IMPRESSION: (10/15)
-TITLE (4)
-DESCRIPTION + FOREWORD (6)

I found your title appropriate and fitting to your story, which is very important so good job there. Though, I think naming it “Incomplete” would have been just as effective.

Your description is lacking. Big time.

I like the definition given of the word “Incompletion” It brings an artistic touch to the description itself however your summary below is just…just what I said. A summary. Basic and simple. I would have liked to see more described here as far as emotion instead of a dull, quick run down of the plot with questions thrown in at the end to draw interest.

“They're bestfriends.”

Um, no they aren’t. At least not anymore. So this should be changed to past tense. “They were bestfriends.”

LANGUAGE: (11/20)
-SENTENCE STRUCTURE & GRAMMAR (4)
-VOCAB, PUNCTUATION, & SPELLING (7)

The dialogue is so dry. Everything felt disconnected and repeated. A lot of phrases were spoken more than once in the same sentence and several of those same sentences ran into each other like a train wreck. A lot of the sentences weren’t even necessary.

 

Example: "How was your flight?" Donghae started the conversation as we entered the highway. The car was driving through the cold morning air.

 

This last sentence just seems to be lazily pasted on there. Why is that even needed?

 

"How was your flight?" Donghae eagerly initiated conversation once we merged into highway traffic.

 

Seems a bit more fitting, yes?

 

 

The majority of your story was so unbearable to read, I literally had to force myself to get through the next few chapters. Most of what’s written feels lazy and somewhat rushed. I really do like the storyline but I just couldn’t bring myself to get into it.

STORYLINE: (18/35)
-PLOT & FLOW (15)
-UNIQUENESS (3)

I find the plot interesting. If it were written a bit more descriptively, had more distinguished dialogue and colorful characters, it would be great. The flow was a bit strange, in the first chapter Yoona was in the car, fell asleep and had a flashback then had another flashback to which you called a dream though it would have made more sense for you to have cut out that little bit of her meeting Donghae and explained that when you introduced his character and just went ahead and had Yoona dream of the first time she met Yuri. The way you wrote it, it was confusing and through off my focus. Also, I noticed Yoona has a lot of flashbacks through the chapters of her time with Yuri which is fine because it’s interesting to find out what happened between them and their backstory but the flashbacks are so dull to the point where they seem unnecessary. I get a bit of hint for Yoona’s feelings for Yuri but other than that, everything seems pretty bland.
 

CHARACTERIZATION: (10/20)
-CHARACTER GROWTH & DEVELOPMENT (10)

Your characters are very, like I said, bland. I swear, about every character mentioned so far has the same plain personality. Like blank sheets of paper. There was no definition. No interesting qualities. Yoona is so confusing with her emotions and not in the ‘emotion rollercoaster’, exciting kinda way. More like ‘I have no idea why she’s like this, so random’ kinda way. You referred to Donghae as “The guy” so much; I actually started questioning the importance of him. He seems like one of the main characters but he’s written so “cookie cutter perfect gentlemen” and not even in the sweet way. Instead of expressing his personality through his actions, a lot of his traits were just plain told to us readers through Yoona’s thoughts. Yuri and Donghae are best friends? Meh, don’t believe it. Nothing described in the chapters so far has expressed their friendship other than them being in the same room together or speaking about Yoona. Instead of telling how the characters are, show me through your writing. That’s what I want. me in, make me interested. When you switched between Yuri’s POV and Yoona’s, I really saw no difference. It still felt as if I were reading Yoona’s POV throughout the entire thing. 
 

IMPACT ON READER: (3/10)
-IMPRESSION/THOUGHTS AFTER READING (3)

I really had no enjoyment in reading this. I literarily had to force myself to get through the last couple of chapters because I was so confused and fed up with the writing style. I know you’re trying but goddness, please get a beta or something. Proof read your work, it’s very important. This story has a lot of potential but needs a lot of ‘cleaning’ along with it. Trust me, I’m speaking from experience; you will grow as a writer and improve.

 

 

Total --52/100

 

Joongdok's Review

 

First impression: (6/15)

Title: 2/5

This title is neither original nor eye-catching. It is, however, related to the story, but it gives me no actual feeling. I recommend you alter it to something else to garner a larger reader base.

Additional: Graphics (not scored)

Main poster: The poster is quite nice, yet I do not see the point of the clocks/zodiac signs. Having posters with a clock/similar time telling item in them seems to be an ongoing trend among graphic artists these days, and as pretty as it may be it is still not related to the story.

Chapter poster: Your chapter poster is also a little similar to this – it is rather banal and insipid. It neither catches my eye, nor makes me interested.

Background: As your background is rather pale, I at first did not notice it. That, however, is a forte in this context, because it is better that your readers get to focus on the story rather than the background.

Description/foreword: 4/10

Having a dictionary definition of the word you chose as your title is not only very common, but also practically useless. Most of the people who speak English know what the word “incompletion” means, and thus do not need a definition – if the reader in question does not know what the word means, it is their responsibility to look up the definition. I suggest you remove it.

(Bonus: I feel like authors who want their stories to gain attention use a very tricky or uncommon word as their title, for example “Disconsolate” or “Lugubrious” or “In Doldrums” which are all various synonyms for “sad.” This is to create an initial curiosity, but I personally find this to be a cheap tactic to gain clicks on your story – readers open it because they are hoping that there will be a definition of the word. Ugh. This does not apply to you, but may be worth bearing in mind.)

Trailer: I will be honest – I have no idea what that trailer meant. It was pretty, had good cuts, lovely music yet also had spelling errors and did not actually explain to me what was going on that efficiently. Here is what I got from the trailer before I started reading your story:

Yoona and Yuri are friends. Then Yuri (?) goes away. Yoona is sad. Donghae is in the picture. Someone is marrying him. Yuri? Yoona? I no longer know who is doing what in this story.

This does not make sense to me, but then again, this was before I read your story. The trailer is a little messy, perhaps you should ask for a do-over.

Description:

They're bestfriend. It's always fun until the day when Yoona realized that she had a crush on her friend. Their relationship turned complicated and they got into really huge fight. At the end, Yoona and Yuri decided to go separate way.

Four years later, when Yoona was about to marry a guy named Donghae, she met Yuri again who happened to be her wedding planner. Would her feelings for Yuri surfacing again? Did she ever fall out of love from Yuri from the first place?

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." - Helen Keller

 

After this, your story made sense. However, you have got some grammatical errors going on.

Bestfriend à best friends. Make sure that you know plural from singular. It's always fun until the day when Yoona realized that à It was always fun (…). Keep track of which tempus you are using (past tense? Present tense? Whichever one you choose, stick to it) (…) separate way à ways. Plural.   (…) for Yuri surfacing again? à (…) for Yuri surface again? Tempus. Did she ever fall out of love from Yuri (…)? à Did she ever fall out of love with Yuri (…). This